Tag Archives: overwhelmed

Feeling emotional and overwhelmed

The changing schedule combined with an inability to get to the basic chores I used to be able to do has me totally off kilter… I’m really missing Dr C. it’s going to be a long 2 weeks.

At least today I’m getting laundry done. It really helps that L did some “emergency” loads over the weekend. It left me with only 5 loads to get done today. I brought the dogs with me so they are not stuck alone in the house all day. While things are drying, we went for a walk around the block… now I’m waiting to go have to fold everything, then run the dogs home and head off to work. I need to remember to grab food when I drop them and the laundry off… it’s going to be a long day.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last week and a half. It’s not helping my ability to handle stress. I really want to be able to sleep more than 4 hours. It’ll happen again some day, I just dunno when. :/

Ok, driers are done. One chore down…


depression and frustration

Woke up wanting to cry… that spot I was hoping to avoid is exactly where it feels like I’m headed. I’m resisting the desire to call out of work for today. I’m torn between thinking it would be good distraction, and fearing I will be too mired in my own shit to be competent at the job. Maybe if I we’re just in the back with the dogs, it wouldn’t matter, but I’m up front running the customer service today. It’s lonely up there, and there’s too much opportunity to think and feel…

I want to cut. I want to escape this overwhelmingly uncomfortable feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. Calling out today would put another notch in the “worthless & hopeless” column, but so would going in and fucking up with the customers… I feel like I can’t win.

The house is a mess. No matter how much I try to organize and clean, the entropy of the mess dictates that it will remain. A surface gets emptied only to be re-cluttered later on the day. I put things away so they are not talking up the little space we have, then they are too out-of-reach for L. I can’t win… I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. I’m so tired of trying, only to have it return to its original state…

I just want to sleep (and maybe cry more).

This wasn’t a good time to stir up all this. It was threatening to break, but I kinda had it under wraps. It might have held out till next week or the week after. I might have made it through the end of December without falling apart. Fuck… I Fuck up everything I try. *This* is why I’m scared of trying a real career again. I can’t hang on for more than 6 months without a breakdown…


Dear TM…

Dear TM,

Everything inside is collapsing, but I’m pushing through. I keep remembering you telling me to just power through these next few days and everything will settle more after the move. I wish I had recorded that conversation, because I could really use actually hearing it again right now.

not my image…

 

I want to cry and scream and break things. And I want to jump for joy. And I want to hide in your office and find comfort in your presence. And I want to go to the beach & take it in again before leaving. And I want to destroy myself. I want all these very opposite things all at once. I hate that I feel things so strongly, with very little idea of how to moderate them. I wish the feelings were not so intense. I swear I never grew out of that little kid stage where every negative emotion feels like it will kill me. It’s all so intense right now. If I’m not walling it off and numbing it out, it’s eating me alive.

I’m doing it though. I’m powering through without totally self-destructing. I’m keeping the sh in check. I’m reaching out to friends and family… Just have to make it through this weekend and the move.

I go back to see Dr. C on the 13th. I have to figure out how to catch her up on everything that’s happened in the last 2.5 years. I almost want to ask her for a longer session so I can get it all out at once (because I don’t think I’ll be able to see her again till August due to finances). I’m really hoping she will be around for a while. I think she is planning on retiring this year. I’m not looking forward to that. I don’t want to have to keep saying goodbye… :/ At least I know her and trust her. That will be good to go back to. I’m sure there will be an adjustment period, and I’ll have to refresh her memory on stuff, but it won’t be as bad as totally starting fresh.

Trying to remember to breathe…

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to maintain contact so badly when I’m leaving (but not being able to). I have not wanted to be friends with an ex-t in SO long… well, not friends, but I want you to still be in my life. Only I know even if I were staying we would have ended b/c I was crashing. This sucks. If I win the lottery ever, I will donate some to you guys with the suggestion that you work with clients for longer once again, and be able to provide more supportive services. Trust is SO hard. To have to build it time and time again in short order just keeps replaying all those childhood hurts. But you said you understood that, so I don’t really need to tell you so much as I need to tell the county… 😦

Anyway, I’ll shut up now. It’s not like you will ever see this. I hope you have a good weekend, and enjoy margaritas on your patio (did we ever talk about my margarita obsession? because when you mentioned it I did a double-take… fresh Lime in the Coconut margaritas are my favorites… another thing I will miss about here). L comes down Sunday, and we have already slated in margarita nights before leaving… I wish you could have met her (and she you)…

Anyway, yeah… I miss you a lot, but that call the other day helped a ton. Gonna keep reminding myself of all you said. Thank you for being so nice…

pieces,
sj


Need help getting unstuck. Ideas?

Any words of wisdom or motivation? I can’t seem to get unstuck at the moment. I have not been able to pack in the last 4 days… it’s crunch time. There’s so much to be done, but no amount of talking to myself, lecturing myself, yelling at myself, or trying to express any of this is helping with it right now.
I’ve tried being gentle, I’ve tried being motivational, I’ve tried bribing myself, I’ve even tried guilting myself, but I feel frozen.
Maybe dragging myself out of the house would give me some sort of pattern interrupt to get me moving again? I dunno. Maybe the beach would recharge me?
I can’t talk about being stuck without crying (and that’s if I can even find the words) I can’t pack without crying and freezing… I tried reaching out to a variety of supports without being able to get relief or a break in this heaviness.
I resorted to leaving TM a message asking for some support. It was a boundary I didn’t want to cross, but I’m running out of ideas. I told her that I wouldn’t pick up if she called back so that she wouldn’t have to waste more than a few moments on a message. The other reason behind that is that I’m not confident of being able to actually speak with her if I answered. As soon as I open my mouth, I start to cry. Even with L last night, I couldn’t get words out around any of this…
I hate all the emotions this anniversary brings up. I hate that it’s now compounded by the move (or the move is made more difficult by this anniversary. Both are accurate ways of looking at it)…
I just need to be able to function long enough to get things done. I need something to work to make me functional.


on what it feels like to have an anxiety disorder…

saw this on that support forum…

Photos of what it feels like to have anxiety.

still struggling with the concept of helping on that forum. very close to asking to be removed from being admin, but figure I will try a few more days of it. It’s hard, it’s triggering, it’s overwhelming… and I haven’t even really done anything. but the constant barrage of notifications and the pop-up messaging window that is “the office” has me fleeing from there most of the time. at least gonna talk a bit to TM about it. maybe it’s just the level of depression and the intensity of the spiral right now…


when hopelessness overwhelms…

It’s hitting hard today.

Tried to make some headway on the move & trying to get help with it or get help connecting to services, and got nowhere. Left messages. Waiting on call-backs, but not at all hopeful right now.

While there are more connections and offers to help, the qualifications are strict. Doesn’t look like I qualify for anything at all… At least my insurance options are a bit better. The people I saw prior to moving away all take 6 of the 7 insurance providers. Though not sure I will be able to get back in to see Dr. C… :/

Took the plunge and called a former employer to inquire about services. Really hoping none of the people I worked with will be seeing my name or info (though I worked with both the main office and one of the satellite offices, neither was the one that serves the area I will be moving to. Yay for me rarely working close-to-home).

Really want to get support from TM around all this, but at the same time really don’t want to waste a session on it. It’s not like there’s anything she can actually do for me.

Might just crawl back into bed for the rest of the day. So not in the mood for anything at all but hiding.