Had session today instead of yesterday.
The first part of it involved a clarification around the frequency. She said it’s more because the stuff we are working on (foo stuff, sa/csa) brings up a lot of anxiety and distress. She wants to be supportive around that and help mediate the impact. Check… she also said (yet again, because I’m still a bit on the anxious side about it) that she doesn’t forsee getting sick of me or burnt out on me anytime soon. She reassured me that she plans on continuing to practice, and continuing to see me if I also want to continue the work. Also check. (Writing it here more as a reminder than anything else).
The rest of the session addressed some more of my fears around the work, some of the origins of my low self-worth, and a tad bit of the sa… a heavy session, but not as heavy as Friday.
I see her again tomorrow for our “regularly scheduled programming”, and I think I want to take some “lighter” options with me. Saturday I had worked on some art to process some of what we’ve been taking about. I think I want to take that in to be able to show her, but also take other supplies and maybe spend the session messing around with art. I’m not sure I want to talk much about the mini-journal I’ll take in, but I do want to show her. The rest of the time can be spent playing around with gelatos and textures.
The work we are doing is exhausting. Sometimes I need to work in a different way. Though I must admit, I’m impressed with myself that I was able to verbalize as much as I did today. I was quite a bit more verbal and present today compared to Friday… she commented that we covered a lot lately, and how I was doing good work. The funny thing is, I’ve barely talked about anything at all. This just felt like “safe” stuff to talk about. There’s a bunch of stuff still not communicated. She said that was ok, that there are more layers to things than we had originally thought, but it’s ok and we’ll get there whenever we get there.
Still super-grateful daily that I ended up with Dr C. Experienced, competent, and consistent trauma therapists that are not limited by clinic guidelines and funding-source mandates are few and far between. I swear this woman is totally unruffled by whatever clients bring with them into the room (at least while she is in the room with them). She’s apparently found her center and knows how to take care of herself. She truly leaves judgement at the door. She looks at everything her clients bring into the room as a key to tackling the therapeutic process. I can’t tell you how much I’ve seen written and discussed about therapists who can’t take an outside view of what happens in the room or with their clients, and the relationship goes south fast. Ok, I have limited perspective on Dr C, but she seems genuine. She sets personal judgements and emotional acting-out aside with her clients. Not many therapists can manage that day in and day out. So so grateful to have her as my therapist.
… to someone you don’t know too well is that they make judgements… I feel like such a tool. Really want to cancel with this new t and never return…
I know she has no idea how difficult it was for me to reach out and call, but… ugh. Back to not feeling safe in interacting with her… I’m feeling very judged. I don’t like that feeling. It’s very uncomfortable.
Can’t sleep with the music on. Can’t sleep with the music off. Trying my wife’s pillow because mine’s gotten sadly flat in the weeks since I bought it. Can’t sleep on this pillow either… my head is humming with everything and nothing all at once.
I had toyed with the idea of reaching out to De yesterday for support but landed on the “there’s nothing she can do so don’t bother her” side of the argument. I’m stuck again at not feeling like I can reach out to her for anything other than support around the sexual assault stuff (I couldn’t specify the sa for a good minute. I don’t like labeling that. I don’t like admitting it. If I don’t voice it, it goes away right? It was never real if no one knows about it…). The way she said some stuff 2 weeks ago has me translating what she said to “pathetic drama queen” in more ways than one. It has me thinking that I blow everything way out of proportion, that nothing was ever really that bad. It has me feeling like I just never learned how to deal with little upsets like my pen running out of ink, so I dramatized it to mean the world is ending.
I feel like I shouldn’t be upset about anything. I feel like I should know better. I never do anything to help myself, so I should shut up and stop complaining. There’s starving children in other parts of the world. I should be grateful for what I have. Not everyone’s parents buy them cars (not everyone’s father’s attach the same strings for the gift). Not everyone gets included in the will (not everyone’s father tries to exert immense control long after he hits the grave. I don’t want your stipulations, so do us all a favor and write me out). Not everyone has a roof over their head (that screams with memories and nightmares). It’s not lady-like to be selfish. It’s not appropriate to talk back (or explain). Nothing is good enough, but only because I’m a spoiled little child who let praise go to her head. I only experience all this for attention. I only ever want attention (to hide in the fibers of the carpet so I don’t catch anyone’s attention). Nothing is real. There’s no black-hole in my chest. There’s no insomnia. There’s no hopelessness, it’s all something I say because I’m lazy and entitled…
Do you ever get hit with something that crumbles the carefully-crafted image you have of someone (because you desperately hoped they were better than they presented, so you choose to interpret their biting criticism as character-building)? Do you ever mourn the loss of the people you thought you grew up with when faced with their reality? Suddenly you have an almost empty corner where you originally had one filled with support and love? Nothing has changed except your understanding of the past, and even that’s sketchy at best.
While I appreciate De’s intention when telling me not to get so lost in trains of thought, it’s easier said than done. I’ve spent so long trying to ignore or run away from everything, then learning to face it, that I have a hard time deliberately trying to pay no mind to it all again. I’d like to understand things better, not just distract. I’d like to know what my arguments need to be when I’m fighting with the negatives, not just blindly deny them… in a way she’s supporting mom’s theory of “just ignore it, it will go away” but with different words. She’s saying to just not go there. I don’t know how to do that. It never works in the long run anyway.
It’s almost 6:30am, and all I want to do is take something to sleep. I know it would knock me out for way too long though, and it would frustrate me. So I’m going to stop worrying and hope I can get at least 30 minutes in before the dogs start to shift and stir.
(I used to be good at this writing thing back before my brain walked out on me…)