I think part of me is afraid to try to go back to sleep. I’m afraid to not have the phone in my hands and keep feeding myself the distraction… it’s too late at this point to try to take something to relax enough to sleep. I’m sure Dr C would be ok with me making it to a later appointment if I told her I needed to sleep, but maybe I can just sleep some during the day. That feels safer… (I know it’s safe to sleep now, but talking with her about the stuff has triggered the feeling that it’s again not safe to sleep at night).
My chest still hurts from the weight of what we talked about. It still feels like it might cave inwards…
The changing schedule combined with an inability to get to the basic chores I used to be able to do has me totally off kilter… I’m really missing Dr C. it’s going to be a long 2 weeks.
At least today I’m getting laundry done. It really helps that L did some “emergency” loads over the weekend. It left me with only 5 loads to get done today. I brought the dogs with me so they are not stuck alone in the house all day. While things are drying, we went for a walk around the block… now I’m waiting to go have to fold everything, then run the dogs home and head off to work. I need to remember to grab food when I drop them and the laundry off… it’s going to be a long day.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last week and a half. It’s not helping my ability to handle stress. I really want to be able to sleep more than 4 hours. It’ll happen again some day, I just dunno when.
For the past week or two, i’ve been extremely tired. I thought I’d been sleeping all night for the most part. I realized tonight how wrong I am. I’m constantly waking up. Either the little dog barks, or my back hurts from 4 months of nights on the couch, or louder-than-usual traffic passes us by… tonight I counted waking at least 5 times during the 7 hours I tried to sleep. I think the worst one is the dogs all barking when the neighbor’s dog barrels down the stairs to go outside between 4-5a.m. I can’t seem to fall back asleep after that one…
We are supposed to get a mattress this month. I can hardly wait. It will take some getting used to in order to be able to sleep comfortably in the bedroom, but I’m so excited to try.
Maybe tonight I can utilize some benadryl to help me get more rest.
I feel so much better after finally getting a full night of sleep. Thanks to the sleep cocktail I took last night, I was out for 12 hours ❤
I checked in with TM today, though I was still really “fozzy” at the time because the benadryl had not totally worn off. We talked about the message I had left her asking if she knew of any additional support resources. I was able to clarify that it didn’t need to be therapeutic so much as help with structure. We will both brainstorm individually and re-visit it on Tuesday.
At the end of the conversation, I admitted to her that I didn’t want to lose her right before the move. Her only response was “Mmm…” I hope I didn’t do or say something to prompt the “refer out” conversation. After the phone call, I wished I had asked if that was an Mmm that meant “I know you’re hurting and scared of so many changes” or one that meant “Yeah, we already had that conversation, and I’m waiting to spring it on you next session.” I guess I will find out on Tuesday. My panic has me thinking it’s the second one. It’s the same response I had gotten from De when I asked if she would be referring me before the move, then upon her return from vacation she told me she was leaving the agency (back when I thought I was moving in 2 months time). I dunno. If Tuesday comes and she mentions referring out or terminating before late June, I need to put on my big girl panties and walk away. SO not what I want, but that’s rarely been taken into account anyway, so what’s the difference? I will hold out on panicking till I see her again. I need to remember to ask her about it directly at that time. Till then, just breathing. (I wish this happened at a time I could contact her to alleviate some of the worry from the weekend. Even as we were talking though, their phone system went down. She called me back from an unavailable number that I’m assuming was her personal cell. Tomorrow and Saturday their office will be busy moving to another location, and she wasn’t sure if their voice mails would be functioning normally). Just gotta wait till Tuesday. Not that long. It’s do-able, right?
On a lighter/happier note; something in the way she phrased things the last two times we talked made me feel cared-about (in more than that obligatory therapst-y care, but genuine “I care about you as a human being that I’ve come to know” kinda way). It triggered the memory of a bunch of genuine sentiments I’ve heard over the years but wasn’t necessarily able to internalize at the time. It’s actually a really nice feeling. I’m going to work at carrying it through the weekend.
The self-harm urges have been present today, but they were easier to resist. And it was easier to stay out of bed more of the day also. Quite amazing what a night of quality sleep can do. Can someone forcefully remind me of this the next time I start to spiral down? Thanks 😉
Today is jam-packed & full. I guess it matches my brain…
I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke early, but I also couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I finally dragged my butt up, but everything was slow in happening. I ended up visiting a friend with the intention of working more on art. I did the background for the piece I want to enter into a mother’s day show, but that’s as far as I got. I was quite distracted. Then I had to jet off to therapy. TM and I talked, but I’m hazy on what it all was. I know we addressed the current huge stressor a bit. I know I asked her to keep focusing on the trauma anyway because I feel like I keep getting to a point of opening up about it, but never a point of really working on it. I can’t really remember what we talked about. I think a thread through everything we touched on was safety (she took notes this time, which she doesn’t normally do. the word “safety” was highlighted). I think we had talked about some symptoms, because she ended up calling something “hypervigilance” and it kinda clicked as such after she labeled it. I don’t exactly remember what it was, but I know I told her that I hadn’t thought to call it that because it didn’t manifest in the way I thought hypervigilance would. We talked about it a bit, and came to the conclusion that I do tend to be hypervigilant at a certain level of being triggered…
I can’t really remember most of the session though. In the past, doodling & coloring had helped me stay grounded. It’s no longer as effective. I noticed that because we had talked about grounding, and she asked if noticing and describing helped at all (if I had ever done it). I remember telling her that I had long ago gotten good about being able to interact with my environment while still being “far away”. I used the doodling as an example. I told her I knew I was putting lines and shapes on paper, but I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. I think I also mentioned to her that the doodling had been effective in the past, but no longer was. We talked more about grounding techniques, and I think it helped me come back a bit. She asked me to do something between today and the next appointment, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I called her later and she reminded me it was to try meditation twice a day. I have those short, kid meditations, and I’m supposed to try them during the day and before bed. Hopefully, it will help with my sleep issue also…
That’s right, we talked a bit about sleep as well. I guess sleep disorders are one of her areas of interest. We chatted a bit about it and she told me about a documentary she had seen on it. I guess a steady “diet” of merely 4 hours of sleep for even just a week brings about a drastic decline in coping and functioning… I totally agree.
Anyway, I was supposed to be napping in my few short hours at home this evening, but my head was racing again. I’m playing the meditations though, so it’s at least a bit relaxing. I have tickets to a play tonight (the last of the season tickets from a friend I will be using). I should find something to eat, but I’m not sure what. Maybe I will splurge on food at a restaurant between the parking garage and the theater. Or maybe I will just stop for pizza or something along the way. I dunno… I guess I should get going though, since traffic will be a bear (It took me over an hour to get home from that area around 4pm. heading back down there during peak rush hour on a Friday will likely be worse). I’m bent on enjoying the play though. Gotta take the dogs out first…
today has been so exhausting. while I did finally figure out that I was having flashbacks in my sleep, I had trouble shaking the emotional aftermath of them. then something I knew was coming eventually (but wasn’t sure when) was finalized: one of the snakies has been sold and is off to his new home. I had him for 2 years and 4 days. I know it’s something that needs to be done, but it doesn’t make it easier…
i’m so tired, yet I am afraid to go to bed. I don’t want more flashbacks. there’s little I can do during a dream to stop them or change them or deal with them (I have not mastered lucid dreaming). I really want some sleep though. I want to be able to rest.
I see TM tomorrow. we are going to talk more about my disclosure from last week. I’d prefer to be rested and not so raw for that.
no amount of comfort food is filling the hole today…
beary might join me for session tomorrow. i hope TM reacts to her like De did (understand she is there for comfort) rather than as LK-B did (fear that I was headed to the hospital imminently, so helped facilitate the trip).
(random picture from the internet. sadly I didn’t save the link so I don’t know who to credit, but it’s not mine) –>
TM was back today. I’m not sure anymore why I thought she hated me, though I left there wanting to cry (they would have been happy tears).
We talked about values I grew up with vs values I’ve instilled in myself. I’m supposed to contemplate that and put it on paper for next session.
I held true to pulling out my coloring book, though I had to borrow her crayons since the dogs ate mine last night (I think crayola flavors them or something because the dogs hunt them down and devour them). I had given her my list from last month, though I was really reluctant to pull it out. Everything I write between sessions always feels stupid and trivial by the time I get in to see her. I put huge judgements on them and never want to hand it over… She, like TL and De, says that nothing I’ve given her has been stupid. I dunno, but she says she’s being genuine, so I’m gonna go with it.
I know we talked the whole hour, but I’m not sure what else we covered. I was having a lot of trouble paying attention and retaining anything she said for longer than 30 seconds. I’m not totally sure where I went, but it was bothersome. I couldn’t formulate responses, or even process a lot of what she had said…
She offered another session this week to help get back in the groove. I hesitated, because I didn’t want to come off as annoying or needy. She caught the pause and asked about it. I was able to tell her that I didn’t want to be annoying. She assured me she would not have offered it if she thought I was too annoying (actually, I think she said something along the lines of having had already passed me on to another clinician if she thought I was as bad as I thought I was). So we scheduled another session this week.
On the way home, I wanted to go to the beach, but I have yet to find a parking spot. I never realized how big of a deal they make out of St Patrick’s Day here, every city is having a beach/block party that is already underway… hopefully the next parking area I try will have a space (I stopped to grab a slice of pizza coz I was starving, so no worries, I’m not driving and writing). If I do land at the beach, I’ll share some pics 🙂
I didn’t end up at the beach. I forgot spring break season is upon us. There was too much traffic, so I turned around and came home. It’s a good thing too, because my vertigo started up again. I was having trouble processing my environment on the drive. Shortly after getting home, I got really incredibly tired and slept for almost 3 hours. Last time this happened, I told myself I was going to go to the doctor about it, so that’s where we are headed. My gut is telling me this is more than vertigo.
A 2.5-hour ER visit later (complete with a few vials of blood and a CT scan), and I’m back where I started. They did give me a referral to a neurologist though, so I will try to follow-up with them tomorrow. The confusion and extreme exhaustion is what has me thinking this isn’t just vertigo, though I may be wrong. Hoping this bout leaves quickly…
I know I was in bed for about 5 hours trying to sleep, but it feels like I was awake all night. My brain didn’t take a break. There was no escape in sleep last night. I think I was dreaming a lot because I remember thinking a lot about stuff. There was also definitely a lot of emotional processing (or release? Or experiencing?) all night and it feels exhausting… hoping it’s a one-night thing.
yesterday’s appointment with TL was much better than the first. There was a ton of anxiety leading up to it, but I sat it through and met with her (albeit about 30 minutes late because there was a miscommunication amongst office staff). I was able to give her the stuff I had meant to read her that first time around, and then we talked about some more history (specifically, the brief, cliff-notes version of the stories behind the flashbacks). She was able to make me feel a bit more comfortable in sitting with her. I can see her being a bit intense at times, but hopefully we will fall into a balance there. She was quick to tell me that we didn’t have to talk about what it was that was bothering me, but I found my voice enough to ask for a few more minutes to build up to talking. She seemed to take it in stride.
The hour went by too quickly again, but I let her keep the list. I hope it helps some. We also switched up the schedule some. I was going to ask if she had anything earlier in the day (because waiting all day builds too much anxiety), and she was hoping for something earlier also, and on a different day. We settled on middle-of-the-day Thursday, though that will mean a week and a half between session at a time I should be asking for shorter times between session… Oh well.
I left there emotionally raw and super tired. I came home with enough energy to fix the bed (had started washing the sheets earlier in the day) and collapse into it. I took something to help me calm down and sleep, and I am still feeling the effects at 1:30 the next afternoon… I guess this is ok for now. I guess being drugged-up and only partially feeling the flashbacks is better than the alternative of full-on flashbacks all day… I really need things to change though. I really need something helpful to get me through all this because it’s exhausting in so many ways…
Ok, so I know I have the connection of taking psych meds one day and being outrageously cranky the next. My wife has noticed this, I have noticed this… But now it’s happening even with the Benadryl. I have taken Benadryl for 2 nights in a row, and for 2 days in a row, I have been outrageously cranky. Things that do not normally bother me have me ready to scream. I really dislike this. So what’s in these meds? What triggers this response in me? It seems anything with a sedative effect triggers extreme anger in me. I don’t like this.
Sleep is so, so, so, so important… I hadn’t been able to sleep well for the last several weeks. Last night, after a really rough day, I took Benadryl and it actually worked. I slept about 8 hours!!!! I feel so much better this morning. I’m still having some body memories, but they are easier to deal with when I’m not also horrifically sleep-deprived. It’s much easier to “get off the train” of spiraling thoughts. It’s easier to breathe… Now I just have to keep up the sleep 😉
I had a distraction. It made things a bit easier to get through. But insomnia and no distractions right now are making the morning very difficult. I had fallen asleep by 8 pm last night, which had me awake by 2 am (hey look, 6 hours. That’s the most I’ve gotten recently), and I can’t fall back asleep. I tried for over an hour before I gave in and started my music back up. Damien Rice’s “9 Crimes” is on incessant repeat right now (has been for the last 2 days). I’m trying to figure out what about it is speaking to me at the moment, and I think I’ve settled on the way his voice (and Lisa Hannigan’s) sounds. There’s something about the way they sing it together that hits right. The lyrics partially fit, though I hadn’t really been paying attention to them, more just the emotion in the voices and the notes they hit. It just works… Hell, it wasn’t until about 30 minutes ago that I actually listened to the first stanza enough to realize I could relate to it completely (Leave me out with the waste/This is not what I do/It’s the wrong kind of place/To be thinking of you//It’s the wrong time/For somebody new/It’s a small crime/And I got no excuse). Before that, I was lost in trying to figure out what he means by the chorus of “And is that alright? Yeah/Give my gun away when it’s loaded/That alright? Yeah/If you don’t shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?” I’m still not sure I understand it, but it plays through my head…
I feel a bit like a cockroach being stepped on after being sprayed with everything under the sun, and smacked with a rolled up newspaper before that. I feel like no one (in mental health) wants anything to do with me because of their prejudices towards my symptoms. For the most part, they don’t want to see beyond the surface to talk about what’s underneath that. If there are a few brave people who don’t automatically squish me, they eventually get grossed out and want nothing to do with me in the long run. I’m too much. I grate on their nerves. I’m too stupid. I never learn. I simply keep falling back to old patterns when things get overwhelming. They get frustrated and burnt out, and I’m left figuring things out on my own again. I feel like the spider who gets killed because she’s a spider, doing spider things. They forget that I’m just doing what I know to get through the day. They want to heard me into a jar so I can’t bite them or touch them, but I never wanted to do that in the first place. I just got scared and was trying to ward off the scariness… I get overwhelmed because the emotions and the memories are overwhelming. I try my best to do “acceptable” and “healthy” things to gain balance, but when that doesn’t work, the “unhealthy” peeks through. I get super needy and stupid and helpless. I revert to little kid (admittedly, a stubborn little kid) because it’s the path of least resistance in my head. Eventually I run out of energy trying to change things, so I rely on someone else to hold my hand through it. Only that’s when they want to squish me, because I’m now annoying and draining and ever-so-frustrating… so I’m moved on, and everyone sees this tantruming little kid who resides in adult body, and they say “No”. They say I’m hopeless and I’ll never amount to anything. And I’m beginning to think they are right. I think this change crap is too hard. I think I’m out of energy for trying… I think they are right…
I’m so overwhelmed with everything right now. I have moments of being ok, but… I put on a happy face because I need to make people feel better about me. I need them to not keep confirming that everything I think about myself is true. I need to try to hope that everything I believe about myself is, in fact, not true (as a few have said). But then stress happens, and suddenly everything is true. Completely and shatteringly true…
I like the dark. It’s comfortable. I don’t want sunrise to come, because it’s harder to hide in the daylight. The dark is soft and comfortable and home. I’m ok in the dark…
for the first time in my entire history, I spaced on a therapy appointment today. I never miss appointments without extenuating circumstances, and never simply because I forgot, except for today. I was sitting there bopping to my music and making jewelry when my phone rings (rudely interrupting my very bad singing). I recognize the number as the one De calls in from, so I answer, still thinking nothing of it. We get through our greeting, and then she tells me I had an appointment with her today. She said she was wondering what happened because I call even if I’m only going to be 5 minutes late. In my defense, we have had our weekly meetings on Fridays since the holidays. I apologized to her and promised nothing was wrong, but I just forgot that we had switched to Thursday this week. Luckily, she has time tomorrow. This would have been the last appointment before a 3 week break. I’m still kicking myself. Either I’ve got nothing urgent to talk about, or I’m in massive denial about the stress next week’s changes mean (or some combination of both). Mostly, I think it’s denial. Next week, L and I head up north. I will be going for 6 days, but she will be staying up there to try to get us re-established. We have not packed much beyond 2 boxes. there’s still laundry to do, and plans to be made for how to get myself and the “kids” back there… and there’s no plan for how my days will be spent once I no longer have L around to pass the time. We are refusing to look at all this stuff, because it’s hugely scary (but also exciting). We don’t have the best track record for cross-country moves that actually accomplish what we set out to do. So now what? Panic has yet to set in. Even a sense of urgency might be helpful (less than a week…). I also have yet to “realize” that today’s session with J was our final one. It was the same as all the others. I didn’t make much of an effort to say goodbye, though I know I should have. The only thing different this time was that we hugged before leaving, and we did not make any further appointments or plans to meet up. I’m sure it will all hit at some point either this week, or when I get back on the 20th to find that “normal” no longer is.
Too many goodbyes recently. I don’t like it. Too much loss coming up and resurfacing. I’m trying not to realize that we effectively re-homed one of our cats (the one who is miserable here and much prefers living with the older couple down the street). The loss of Twiggy hit again today when a box of her specialized food arrived from the vet today. I guess they automatically send out “samples” of the specialized food when the test results warrant it. Too bad it’s 2 weeks too late… I miss Twig. I know she was hurting a lot before she was put to sleep, but I still miss her presence in the house. It’s ok to miss the ones you love, even if their passing is for the better. And now I will miss Danny too, though he is still alive.
So I’ve spent my days obsessing with jewelry-making, art, and spending money we don’t have on things we don’t need because it’s easier than dealing with crap that is about to slam us. I’m playing games on the computer and on my phone that I have not touched in weeks. I make every effort to leave the house when I can get away with it. I throw myself in to everything but the things that need addressing. Heck, I’m even working on random therapy stuff to avoid dealing with other, more looming, more frightening things. J has a quote she has told us many times in the last 2 months: “if you are just scared, you don’t want it enough. if you are just excited, you already have it, if you are both scared and excited, it’s worth it” (or that’s the gist of it). I think I’ve draped a thick blanket over everything because I’m neither consciously scared or excited about this, I’m simply going with it because that is what we have decided to do, and there is no real other option. If I look into myself hard enough, I see the fear and the excitement I’m trying so hard to ignore. I catch glimpses of it in the tears of loss, and the avoidance. I notice it in my drive to push every thought of it out of my head (because, really, who wants to realize that within the week they will be separated from their significant other for several months, or think of having to uproot everything they cultivated in the last 18 months). I throw myself into anything and everything that enables me to push the thoughts away. It will catch up real soon, but for now, I rival the skill-set of those most versed in denial and avoidance.
Today started out slow enough, but then L convinced me that we needed to start packing. We got through a bunch of the stuff in the bedroom. It doesn’t really look like a dent was made, but we did a lot of work. There’s still a lot to be done though. Tomorrow will be spent cleaning the house because a friend is coming for a few days. Then we resume packing.
We were invited over to one of Lisa’s co-worker’s house for dinner. We introduced her family to the game “Apples to Apples” and a fun night was had by all. I think as we were leaving they mentioned having to go buy it for themselves. It’s a fun way to get to know people and still not have to talk too much (works amazing for those of us who get anxious talking to new people). Then, if you already know your competitors, you can have a blast trying to convince them to pick your card. (They also have a kids version. There is a second game with similar rules, but a bit more crude if you are into that. I was shocked the first time I played it, but it really can be quite amusing if you remember to keep the humor).
Anyway, I’m off to try to sleep now. Hope you all have a good night.
I think I’m seeing a cycle to this, but I’m not sure so I want to note it somewhere. I’ve been sleeping ok for about 4 days, then tonight I can’t sleep at all. It’s 4 a.m. and I have not slept at all. I’m not even tired… tomorrow’s gonna suck.
… or something like that (with blogging at least), right?
Anyway, sorry I have not been around much. Life has gotten in the way. There’s too much to do, and too little time in which to do it. We had planned this Saturday to be a “wallpaper removal party” complete with friends and festivities. It ended up being just us… and the festivities… and it took us all weekend just to get the paper off in 3 areas (we still have most of the house to go, plus the glue left on the walls). I think we may have been a tad delusional at thinking it would have all been done this weekend, even with more help. It kept the dogs quiet though (they were too confused by all the moving, scraping, and fabric softener). The house still smells like the generic stuff we got, and the snuggle we broke into later on when we ran through 2 bottles of the generic. The floor is a greasy-waxy mess, and none of us have the desire (or energy) to clean it. It makes for fun times watching the dogs trying to stand in place as their feet slip in 4 separate directions (think of Bambi on the ice). We really should clean it all up, but that takes more effort, and we are all wiped out.
L and I got into a tiff this morning… well, I was in a mood, and she happened to be the recipient of the frustrations. I felt bad afterwards, but at the time I thought she would be better off without me since we disagree on some key points. We’ve since kissed and made up. I’m also trying to keep my frustrations on the objects and situations to which they belong. It wasn’t fair to take it out on L. We’ve talked about this, and I think we are ok right now, just both stressing a ton. This move will be more involved and more expensive than we had thought. The break will likely be a roller-coaster, but we will make it and get back to living our lives in relative harmony. All couples fight, and we are no different except maybe in that we do it silently and with distance until one or the other is willing to talk about things. Then, we have hopefully thought things through enough before we open our mouths (not always the case on my end) and say things out of displaced anger… I did realize again that (recently) it’s easier to be angry than sad. I don;t exactly know when this shift happened, but it did. I used to have an easier time being sad as opposed to angry, but something switched. I dislike this new turn of events, because anger spurs more stupid words/actions on my part. At least I know how to handle sadness (mostly… ok, not really, but maybe I have a better and less-harmful-to-others approach with sadness). I dunno. Anyway, I’m just glad she doesn;t hate m and want to divorce me (and she is glad the same is true on my end). Funny how talking clears up so much… I was all worried that she hated me and my animals obsession enough to divorce me, and she thought my animal obsession would cause me to divorce her. We were both really just scared of losing the other, but we were pinning the withdrawal on the other though they made no move to actually do so… gotta love communication.
I’m tired but I’m not, and the worry about going to bed is back. I have the iPod tonight though. It had spent 2 nights in the car between Thursday and Saturday because I had forgotten to bring it in. Last night I finally broke down and went out to get it. I slept much better with my music (ok, I’m sure the Benadryl also helped some). I just like having it to sleep with… I need to go switch the laundry now before I forget again. Twigs has been peeing in her sleep more often than not, and we need to wash her diaper every time. We forgot till later tonight, but I think it’s all done now. Also, L is bored in there (also can’t sleep) so someone needs to keep her occupied 😉
I actually slept last night, roughly 7 hours. I felt good today, not tired, not overly hyper… AND I accomplished a monumental task (at least it has been since we moved here): I cleaned all 10 snake cages in one day!! For the past year and a half, I’ve only done 2 or 3 at a time, and it was generally weeks before I got the drive/energy to do more of them. I even ended up taking a break in the middle, going to get groceries for dinner, then finishing. That’s TOTALLY unheard-of in my world. If I ever take a break from something, I don’t go back to finish it (unless it’s art, and even then it’s a huge ordeal). I can;t believe I did it. I’m totally proud of myself. I also took pics of 7 of the snakes (3 were either too stressed or hiding too well). I miss playing with them. I need to do it more often. I’m just really glad my energy came back today. I actually enjoyed what I was doing. 😀
We also perfected the stromboli-making technique (well, ok, L did that while I finished the last cage). They came out really good and evenly distributed. Last time we had huge wads of dough at the ends while the toppings were all smooshed into the middle. This time there were toppings all over the place. L did a great job. (And I ate WAY too much for one night. I feel like I may explode).
Anyway, it’s amazing what a good night’s sleep can do to a person. I hope I can get another good night tonight.
Can’t sleep again. The 3 days of decent sleep I got while on the nausea meds was nice, but now it’s back to only a few hours. This sucks. I need to invest in more melatonin, at least it didn’t knock me out for the whole day like the sleep meds do…
Can I hide under a rock now? I may get more sleep there.
I’m not quite sure what to call this, so for the moment, the title is blank.
I left both individual and couple’s therapy wanting to cry, but for different reasons. De and I covered a lot fo stuff; hard stuff. I realized after I left that I didn’t want to think too hard about my eating because it’s replacing the self-injury. When she was talking about coming up with a healthier, more regular eating schedule, the little voice inside me begged her not to “take that away too”… I think the fear of relapse is playing heavy on my mind lately. It’s almost been too good to be true to finally be free of the constant and debilitating depression. I don’t want to lose that momentum. If the weird (though not an eating disorder) food schedule keeps me away from the cutting. It’s also a function of being frustrated with food choices, and coffee filling me up. Anyway, I left De’s office wanting to cry my eyes out. I told her that before I left, and she asked if I wanted to “sit with that for a few minutes”. I declined saying I was more in the mood to ignore it all when inside I was sarcastically remarking that it would take more than a few minutes to address… Oh, she also mentioned wanting me to do a sleep study to figure out when I sleep best, and maybe how to get me back to a better sleep schedule. I’m not sure how she expects that to happen, but I guess we can talk about it again later.
I also showed her my progress on the piece I want to give her for the display. I will be re-doing it a third time beccuase I feel like I messed up too much stuff on this second one also. She said that even the “crappy” versions were really good. I don’t see what she sees. I see all the little flaws and places where I meant to do it differently. My mind blacks out any “good” aspects to it and focuses on all that is wrong. In this second one I messed up the little girl’s face and arms and hands. It bothers me too much to hand it in. She went from looking 7 to 97… I did add an element the first one did not have though: the adult cut her hands on the shards that she was picking up. De asked how I felt about that, what I thought that adult was feeling. I said she was scared because she didn’t want ot keep getting hurt. De pointed out that she’s still continuing to do it despite the fear and being hurt by it. I guess she’s got a point… Still working on picking up the pieces even though it’s scary and painful.
I left couple’s therapy on Friday a bit pissed, but also quite defeated. J had called us “lazy”. I felt like that was a huge slap in the face despite all the progress I feel we have been making. No, it’s not the progress she wants to see us make, but it’s progress none-the-less. L and I talked a lot about it on the way home. I think it’s something we need to address with J; we are on very different pages about what L & I’s goals should be. J is focused on the financial and work piece, while L and I are focused on the personal growth & growth-as-a-couple pieces… She wants us to come up with goals (didn’t we just do this a few months ago in the form of a treatment plan?) and start making steps towards them by next week. I think she’s smoking crack. We did take a large step and lower our cell phone bill by switching carriers (ok, so the new carrier is rated as one of the absolute worst companies by some influential ranking source, but we needed out of our seemingly never-ending contract loop with the old carrier). We have new phones (really the same as our old ones, but new handsets that work on said new carrier) and 4 lines and we still are saving about $100 a month without any long-term contracts involved. The only catch is that we have to stay with them for at least 6 months with all 4 lines which is really quite do-able. So there J, how do you like them apples?!
On another note, I have been messing around more with my art. I’m really happy I have the time to do this… now, to maybe be happy with something I produce…
I don;t know if I would say I’m “afraid” of going to sleep again, more like made uncomfortable by the thought of having to go to bed. I am not sure why this is. I love my bed, and I feel safe there with my wife. But the through of heading to bed right now is uncomfortable (and it’s now midnight, so it’s not like I’m trying not to go to bed too early or anything). I get this way sometimes, and it takes a lot of self-talk to get me there. I know in writing this, I will be talking myself into cuddling up under the blankets. I just wish I knew where this unease came from… nothing happened recently to bring it on, it’s just here. Maybe it’s that I get interrupted sleep these days. I would rather be allowed to sleep peacefully and through the night. I guess my thought process is somewhere along the lines of “the later I go to sleep, the less I’ll be able to sleep, so if I only get 4 hours uninterrupted, it won’t feel as bad as being woken up every 2 hours for the next 8…”
There’s a huge weight in my chest. It feels like a black hole is ripping me apart from the inside…
I need to make it through the weekend without a total meltdown. I start an IOP on Monday. I promised I would give it a try. It’s just so far away. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. De had conditionally given me permission to stay in bed if it meant I would be safe. Even bed is no longer bringing relief, but it’s better than outside of it. I want to cry but the training from childhood is keeping the tears in check (maybe if I could cry I could release all of this). I used to cut instead of crying – tears of blood… But I am not allowed to cut, so the crushing weight stays. The tears are stuck in my eyes. Nothing helps. Music works to help the emotions go in waves (I tend to get stuck without it), but they still constantly cycle around.
De said it was ok to ask for extra help if I needed it. She said she wanted me to be able to ask for inpatient if that was what would help. I can’t bring myself to believe her. I’m afraid it would be the tripping point that sends this spiral out of control. I really don’t want to lose her. There’s a lot of care-taker transference going on with her for me. So far, those I have felt this way about have disappeared from my life. I’m desperately trying to keep that from happening with her. I’m afraid if I ask for more help than even the IOP, I will lose the last bit of glue that is holding me together. I have a past filled with out of control spirals tripped by a hospitalization. I don’t want to go there again. I’m trying to hold it together, but it’s SO hard right now. I don’t want to admit to feeling this bad. I don’t want to admit the extent of the hopelessness and despair… and I really have no idea what help a hospital stay would be other than physical containment. I cannot have my most effective safe coping skills there with me (my wife, my dogs, my music). They force daily meds (something that makes me 100’s of times worse – yes, there is worse than this). I lose all control when I’m trying so hard to hang on to it.
Every time I think there’s a glimmer of hope (got disability & Medicaid), there’s really just nothing much more it helps with (very limited places take Medicaid, and none of them offer more intensive therapy than an IOP for mood disorders. No one that specializes in trauma takes it…). I was hoping the meditation class would bring some balance today, but it didn’t help. The topic for today’s walk was possibilities. Count on a depressed brain to turn that negative… Being in nature helped a bit. My instinct was to find a secluded place in the park, but I was unable to do so. The rain was nice (at the restaurant, we sat at a table that was partially uncovered. The staff was very worried that we were getting wet, but I kept assuring them I did not have a problem with that. They kept wanting us to move under the roof, but I liked the rain). I brought a rain coat, but I just wanted it to pour down on me. I sat next to the water out in the park. I begged Mother Nature to open the sky. She just sent a mist. L challenges her and she gets the challenge. I beg for more rain and I get a misting… I need L’s power… She complains that the ocean is too still, and in a few minutes the waves are large. She complains there’s no mud to play in and in the middle of the hike we get stuck in mud up to our knees. Today she laughed that the cup I placed under the drips was not catching any water. Within 30 seconds, the rain came harder and the stream of water filled the cup… I envy her power (or the coincidence of the occurrences).
My heart is broken. My head is broken. I’m broken. It never gets better. I’m just so tired of all this. Must make it through Monday…
I’m having such trouble with sleep at night again. I can often fall asleep during the morning hours tho. I guess it’s better than nothing. De has taken to saying “I’ll take what I can get” and it seems to relieve some of the pressure I place on myself with certain things. I think I really like that about her. It helps take away some of the panic about so much “being wrong” at the moment… I think that’s the first time I have been able to internalize her support. Huh. Cool…
She kinda gave me conditional permission to stay in bed for the time being if it means safety; “it’s not ideal and I don’t say that often, but if it means you’re safe, I’ll take what I can get.” It’s kinda sad that we are at that point, but I’m glad the outside pressure is less from her. I get a lot of it from others and myself. It’s a relief that she can just be supportive right now. I’m also wondering if there is some “reverse psychology” in there. Does giving me permission to do it in the moment help motivate to change the behavior? It certainly lessens the judgement that I’m doing yet another thing wrong, which makes it easier to not be stuck in it as long as if I was constantly worried about screwing everything up… yet another reason I’m glad I’m getting the chance to work with her.
Maybe I should have looked for a therapist that works a lot with kids a long time ago. I swear I’m stuck at grade-school-level processing when I am in crisis. It’s nice to have someone be able to know what to do with that.
For the last few days, I have been incredibly tired; to the point of feeling like I had taken something when I actually have not. It’s really difficult to wake up in the morning, and just as hard to stay awake during the day. My eyes will close unintentionally and I will be asleep in no time. They constantly feel heavy, and my brain is in that fog of sleep. I don’t know what happened. I feel like I have been awake for weeks and now have to sleep to make up for it. I have not done anything differently. I have not been taking anything (even my sleep meds don’t make me this tired anymore). I’m not liking this.
Also, I cannot draw what I have in my head and its pissing me off. The drawing is itching to come out, but it’s trapped.
Tonight we start an American Sign Language class. It’s offered in conjunction with a Pride group. I’m kinda excited (as excited as my little brain can get lately). I like learning new things, and it will be a social thing, so that will be good. I just am not sure how well I can pay attention. My brain’s not to good at keeping to task lately.
I was supposed to have my massage today. I was really looking forward to it. But then the lady called to change the day. A friend was admitted to the hospital in critical condition. I hope her friend pulls through. I’m not mad it’s rescheduled. I would want to be there with a friend also (something tells me it may be her s.o. though I can’t tell you why I have that hunch)…
So we go to ASL class tonight. L had started learning it a few years ago, but never kept up with it. Hopefully she will be able to help me along. It’s always good to know another language. And one of the women at the nature center might also be able to help (though she does not use it at work, I’m pretty sure she knows it. I will have to ask next week).
Today’s session was… I don’t even know. I was all over the place. She tried to get me to focus on things, but I kept jumping topics.
I wish I could learn to stop talking in metaphor. I think I would be able to communicate much better that way. But some stuff is just too scary to say outright, so I do the best I can with the words I can say. I was able to tell De what I had written last night: that I love my life but hate my head. She tried to get me to figure out what it would be like to be out of my head. I think she might want to strangle me at times because I can’t figure things out. I have no real idea what it would look like to not be stuck internally all the time. I don’t know what it’s like not to have an escape plan at all times. I don’t know what it feels like without an underlying depression. I know D would say that I may not have felt that way in the past, but it’s not an indicator of the future. I was able to parrot that to De. I also told her that I’m not sure I believe it though. We talked some about some CBT techniques, and tried to pinpoint what it would take to get me to start to change my thinking. I would start to tell her my experiences with various CBT ideas and then get distracted and talk about something else. She tried her best to keep me on topic. She also mentioned a few times that to be able to get me out of my head, we will likely need to go deeper in first. Oh, I was also able to express my concerns over her idea of distraction being really good and a sign that I am doing ok. I told her about the stuff that always goes on in the background and how I’m able to function even while falling apart. It was a survival skill back in the day. Now it just serves to keep me from getting what I need because I look totally together from the outside. I think she knew what I meant when I said that. She again underscored telling her if I needed the extra support. That’s when the speaking in metaphor screwed me up again. I’m on that edge where I could likely use the added support, but don’t desperately need it right now (though that could change over time). I wasn’t quite able to be direct about that. I always worry about being too much and asking for too much. It keeps me from asking for anything most of the time. It also keeps me from accepting help when it’s offered. My mom said she would fill out the Medicaid application for me if I wanted her help. The stubborn and independent part of me rejected the offer, though I have no motivation or energy to do it on my own. I just don’t want to be more of a bother than I already am…
Anyway, De and I also talked about the ever-present depression and suicidal ideation. Well, I tried to explain it to her a bit, but again I got off topic pretty fast. We ended on the idea of trying art therapy next week. She will try to get the room, but if it’s booked, we will just do regular stuff. I know I need a better way to express all this. I’m hoping the art therapy prompts work…
The anxiety about falling asleep is back. This time I’m worried that I will not be able to fall asleep (though I’m pretty tired right now, my brain is in over-drive), or I won’t sleep well, or I won’t be able to wake up in time. More likely, I will be really tired come morning and having to take the puppy out when L leaves for work just wakes me up. I manage to be unable to fall back asleep until about the time I have to wake up. It’s really frustrating. Tonight I stayed up because I had to finish a photo book layout so we can order it tomorrow (the day the offer for getting it free expires). I just have to have L take a look at what I did and see if she likes it or wants to change anything. Then we place the order. I really like the way they come out through shutterfly. The paper and printing is quality (unlike some others I’ve seen), and the software on their site is pretty easy to use. I’m excited to see how this book turns out. The last one we got (last year for mothers day through a promotion Ellen was running) was awesome. This one is shaping up to be really cool also. I have one other offer for a free book through Best Buy because of some recent purchases. I think that one will be a wedding book that L and I put together. We have one from a friend which is really cool, but this way we can put a story to it also.
Ok. I should try to sleep now. My brain is all over the place, but I think I can get it to slow down if I stop trying to write…
Take the third line of the last song you heard, make it your post title, and write for a maximum of 15 minutes. (POD Truly Amazing). (idea taken from hastywords)
I wish you could meet her, that little one inside. She’s shy though… She hides behind walls and blades and in the fog. It used to be a scary place, but now the fog is comforting. It’s all she’s known for so long.
I came to bed tonight at the same time my wife did. The anxiety did not come, but anger rose in me as I got closer to the room. I’m suddenly cranky and want to cry for no reason (though I did accidentally break the marble candle holder I had made a few weeks ago. I very nearly cried when that happened. I will have to put it together again with different glue). Anyway, I’m all over the place and I don’t really have a reason for it.
Something in me wants to run away crying. I’m confused by it. There is definitely a dread connected to going to bed at night. I just have no idea why it’s there. I don’t have nightmares I remember anymore. Some days I wake up with an anxious feeling, but I don’t remember much by way of dream content, so I can’t blame it on that. There has to be something that brings on this anxiety, but what?? I see De tomorrow morning, maybe we can talk about it more (likely she will do most of the talking). J asked today if there was any abuse or anything connected to going to bed. There’s nothing I remember. I know the guy at the parties was at bedtime, but I don’t remember any of that, and it was a whole different house, different country even. I can’t picture that being the reason for this feeling.
I think I may try to sleep to music tonight. I feel like crying, but I don’t want to, and music helps keep that at bay. J asked L about something in session today, and L said that when she fears I am slipping away, she gets more anxious and demanding and clingy. The one concept that sticks out in my head is L saying how frustrating it is when I tell her something’s brewing inside, but I don’t tell her what it is. I’m not sure if I said it out loud or not, but I don’t always know what it is myself, so I can’t possibly tell her… I feel like that will be another issue tonight, as I’m writing that something is bothering me, but not saying what it is (because I don’t know what it is). How can you possibly tell someone something you have no grasp on yourself. This is why it’s so hard for me to open up… I can say something is wrong, but I have no answers to the questions of “what” and “why”.
Again there is so much ground to cover with De, and we will likely only get to one tiny part. The rest will be tabled for the next session (by which time it will be over-shadowed by something else). I feel I need more sessions or more support to be able to address everything that comes up and that is important. I always have a week of needing to talk about so much, but never get to it.
Randomly during couple’s therapy today, I suddenly had the urge to cut my arms. I haven’t done that in years, so the urge is baffling. I know I had made note of its occurrence, but I can’t remember what we were talking about that might have brought the urge on. Again, more questions and concern with no answers in sight. Maybe it was the name thing; that is what was triggering with De last week… but maybe it was the talk of the anxiety before bed. I’m not sure. It’s probably all related, but I can’t figure out why just yet.
I hate the sketchy nature of all these symptoms. I hate that I only ever run into more questions when searching for the answers. When do I actually hit some answers and solutions? I’m so tired of all this.
When I first started writing this, I had simultaneous ideas in my head. One was to write a story on wishing you could meet the little girl lost inside (I thought of saying “me” or “the girl I used to be” but both of those also brought up a weird inner cringe). Another was a wish to introduce SJ. Another was to introduce the person I had been (or thought I was)… all of that fizzled though. I don’t know who to introduce with this, so I will just call it a day and end here. The person I once was seems to have never been, so you can’t be introduced….
I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to fight the urges or the depression. I don’t want to put effort into living anymore. The only thing is, the depression is taking a backseat to the rage. I would take the depression over the anger and rage any day. At least I know what to do with the depression. I don’t know what to do with the anger…
I want to sleep, but I can’t. Even when I go to bed at a reasonable hour, I lay awake all night. If I take any meds, I am either rage-full the next day, or I can’t wake up at all for the next 16 hours or so. I hate that there is nothing in the middle. There is no simple good night’s sleep. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I actually feel better about my dad than my mom at the moment. That’s scary and not how it is supposed to be. Apparently my mom is angry about a whole lot of stuff, but she’s not telling us any of it except in cryptic outbursts once a month. Them everything becomes uncomfortable and tense. At least G apologized. Heaven forbid mom explain herself or admit any over-reaction on her part. She doesn’t feel like she should explain herself, and we should be able to read her mind about what is wrong. Well guess what? I’m not into mind reading. I’m tired of bending over backwards to include her when it just pisses her off. If she wants to simply be people that happen to share a house, fine. We can do that. I’m done making an effort to reach out to her when it’s always met with a sour face and annoyance. She’s never happy with anything. Nothing is ever good enough for her. I’m done trying. If she wants to hang out or do something or be more involved while we are here, she needs to make the effort….
I felt totally brushed off by De on Friday, which was in complete contrast to Wednesday’s appointment. I know it was just a check-in because my dad is down, but it was cut 20 minutes short. What was the point of me wasting the gas to go down there then? We could have done that over the phone. And I don’t see her again until Friday. Whatever.
I hope I didn’t do or say something to prompt the “refer out” conversation. After the phone call, I wished I had asked if that was an Mmm that meant “I know you’re hurting and scared of so many changes” or one that meant “Yeah, we already had that conversation, and I’m waiting to spring it on you next session.” I guess I will find out on Tuesday. My panic has me thinking it’s the second one. It’s the same response I had gotten from De when I asked if she would be referring me before the move, then upon her return from vacation she told me she was leaving the agency (back when I thought I was moving in 2 months time). I dunno. If Tuesday comes and she mentions referring out or terminating before late June, I need to put on my big girl panties and walk away. SO not what I want, but that’s rarely been taken into account anyway, so what’s the difference? I will hold out on panicking till I see her again. I need to remember to ask her about it directly at that time. Till then, just breathing. (I wish this happened at a time I could contact her to alleviate some of the worry from the weekend. Even as we were talking though, their phone system went down. She called me back from an unavailable number that I’m assuming was her personal cell. Tomorrow and Saturday their office will be busy moving to another location, and she wasn’t sure if their voice mails would be functioning normally). Just gotta wait till Tuesday. Not that long. It’s do-able, right?
both sides of the wall 