Heard the John Mayer song on my way home tonight. It got me thinking. So many people are in fact waiting on everything to change without taking steps to at least initiate that change… It’s much easier to sit back and wait, without putting fourth effort. But that leaves us frustrated and wanting. We need to be the change we want to see in the world (I know I stole that from someone, just can’t remember who). Take a stand. Speak up. Scream if you have to… And then be sure to follow through.
Monthly Archives: August 2012
Had my first real EMDR session today. It was intense, and very different from everything I’ve learned to do to survive… I waded into the hurt and the memories and did not actively try to sabotage the feelings. She drew parallels between harmless things I was doing to relieve nervous energy and the dissociation it caused with the emotions. The less I was allowed to fidget, the more intense the feelings and memories became, so my head switched the focus to something else. We did this for an hour, and it left me hanging. So she had the availability to stay longer, and we worked on more of it. We started out working on the self-harm, and ended up working on some abuse issues…
The strange thing about it all is that it worked. The memories and feelings and sensations are with me, but they don’t affect me as deeply. It’s confusing. I’ve spent my life running from these memories and feelings. Suddenly I am able to sit with them, with full knowledge of the effects of the trauma, and not fall apart. I want to cry, but it feels more like something I should do, not something I have to do. It’s a very alien thing to me. Is this how normal people live?
There are times when the wall is barely there. It’s more like the rice paper of a shoji screen than the heavy stones and brick… I can feel the pressure of what is on the other side. I can taste the fire. It’s so close I could touch it. But I don’t. I stay where the grass truly is greener, and not just some trick of the lighting department.
There are risks with emdr. I might get stuck on the other side. We know these risks, and I feel I can handle them. I think I am strong enough to pull myself out of the void, so we agree to try it for real on monday. “Spiders are safe. There is little to no risk of you getting your hands on a spider that would be lethal…” The cutting, not so safe. It’s easier to access and more dangerous. I know this. But I also know I’ve been close enough to touch it more times than I can count, and I’ve stayed on my path to wellness. I can do this. I have to do this. I want to know that the cutting will stop being an option. I want to know that the urge to die will fade for good. So I commit to try. I trust her to help keep me safe if I need it. I trust myself to ask for the help I need when I need it. So we are scheduled to start it for real on monday. Cross your fingers and wish me luck. …and wish me strength to overcome my demons… I know I can do this. I’ve sat with that thin wall so often. That time that I sat with the urges all night, shaking and crying as if I were going through drug withdrawals, but really it was withdrawing from cutting and suicide… That night proved I have it in me. She reminded me of that. She asked me to not let the aftermath of telling negate all the progress that was made… I know it hasn’t, but it still makes me gun-shy about riding the waves… I know I can do it. I know telling her I did it will not land me in the hospital again. But part of me is still scared that I’m damned either way… I know she is versed in dbt. I know she won’t send me to the er… she had proved that she trusts me… And I have proved that I can ask for help when I really need it and want it. So we will try to break down a piece of the wall. We will try to integrate that positive and the negative and have me fully aware of it all at one time. And I will come out of it in one piece. I will be a better person for all this hard work. And maybe it will take me a step closer to seeing a life for myself that is worth living for me, and not just for others.
I can feel the depression creeping back in. It’s subtle, but it’s there. The lack of motivation. The lack of enjoyment. The void… I don’t want to do anything, but I push through. I just want to curl up in bed all day and not have to worry about work. I tried to deny that my career choice had much to do with my mood, but it does. I feel stuck in something that makes me feel like crap about myself. I tried looking for other jobs, but everyone wants experience or a ton more education. I have neither. I could go back to more hours at my other job, but it doesn’t pay well and I really don’t enjoy that either. It also has no potential for full-time. I need the guaranteed hours and the benefits.
I denied getting anything from my stints in the hospital (other than frustrated and over-medicated), but my therapist once pointed out that it freed me of someplace I felt trapped. I see her point now. It was a way out. It wasn’t consciously my purpose (or necessarily even subconsciously), but it did the job. It helped push me away from something that was helping keep me trapped in the hole. Then I got some distance from it, saw the grass wasn’t greener, and jumped back in with both feet… just to get stuck again.
A few months ago, I was telling my significant other that she needed to move on from the job that made her unhappy. I said she just needed to do it, as scary as it was. I didn’t really realize exactly how impossible it can be. I was out of touch with how difficult it had been for me the first time around. Now I get it. It’s a catch 22 when looking for a new career. they want experience, but are not willing to give it to you. Even though I have supervisory experience in my field, and had been quite accomplished in human services, I can’t even get a retail job that pays a hair more than minimum wage. It doesn’t help that the pangs of depression make me barely more motivated than a dust bunny. Well, it’s not the depression so much as the fear of not being able to meet my needs, and those of my family. How can I afford food, transportation, rent, if I don’t make a certain amount of money every week? I have bill collectors calling all hours of the day and night, and my anxiety freezes me. I can’t pick up the phone. Shame kicks in because I can’t meet the obligations I’ve set up for myself. That triggers more anxiety, which triggers more shame, which sets me up for wanting to hide and not show my face to the world. At least if I’m hiding, they can’t find me to tell me what a loser I am…
Why is it that I feel so useless here; like I don’t know anything. Deep down, I don’t want to be back here. I left to school because I was burnt out on the job, but I came back thinking I would be ok with it after a 2 year break. I just don’t want it. But I don’t have anything else lined up, so I can’t leave. I just need to get something in the works to replace this, then it will be ok. All I do is complain and second-guess myself. I annoy everyone around me. I just need to make a move. I need to stop fighting myself, set aside my fears, and either go somewhere else or shut up…