I’m running from something, I’m just not sure what.
In the half hour it took me to drive to Dr C’s office, I went from being apathetic about therapy, to not wanting to go, to being mad at myself for not canceling in time, to wanting to cry my eyes out… after chatting about our weekends, and discussing book binding, I finally managed to tell her about not wanting to be there, and wanting to cry. We talked about my other desperate bids for distraction lately also (wanting to spend all my time on art, or working out how to accomplish going bioactive for all my snakes while also upgrading them on a tight budget)…
I dunno. I definitelyam feeling something intense, i’m just not sure what. Dr C seems to think it’s a desire to improve my own quality of life (because of the focus on the animals). She could be right ::shrugz::
I’m just so tired both physically and emotionally. It’s frustrating and it’s getting old. I want to not be so tired all the time.
Had therapy again today.
We started right into the topic I had text her about last week (she led the conversation there almost as soon as I sat down…). I showed her the page that had been so triggering. We talked about it. For some reason, all I could feel was that she was disappointed in me, like I could do nothing right. I’m sure that wasn’t her intent or meaning, but my inner kid felt so dismissed…
A few hours after I started writing this post, and I’ve since stumbled on an image that sums up the message of today’s therapy:
Worked on this page again today. Still trying to figure out what to do in the top left corner…
An artist friend suggested a nose, though at first I was thinking the lack of one is symbolic of how depression makes you feel like you can’t breathe. I dunno. It still needs something. The right side definitely needs work too, but that’s looking like a total overhaul. This side just needs *something*…
I have to admit though, I worked my butt off on those stupid strings sewing her mouth shut. I must have redone them at least 5 times. They look a bit better in the photograph than in real life, but I’m still pretty proud of them. I had originally planned to glue actual thread on there, but wanted a more 3-d look to her lips, so I painted them in… I’m sure they look amature to more experienced artists, but they’re the best I’ve done so far. I’m happy with how they turned out.
Worked on this page today. I’ve had the under layer done since September, but hadn’t figured out what else to do with her. She’s still a work in progress (didn’t mean to make the gold above her eye look like bangs), but she’s getting there… gonna get rid of the bangs and sew her mouth shut… not sure what else will happen, but that’s part of the plan.
Gelatos over gesso’d magazine page. Feather is gesso’d steps of origami paper.
I think I’ve finally finished that fold-out, multiple-layer journal I started forever ago… it’s truly a mixed media piece. I don’t think there is much I didn’t use: spray inks, collage, acrylic paint, stamping, two types of embossing, textiles, sewing, pen, charcoal, wax pencil, stencils, rub-ons, stickers, washi tape, vintage paper, grommets… among all the layers, I used a ton of stuff (my journal isn’t too happy about it; the spine has been stretched almost to capacity). I think I finally feel like it’s finished (it only took 2 months). I have to admit, the hidden layer was way more triggering than I had expected. It made me want to rip my insides out in order to stop feeling the body memories. The additions I did to that page took less time and artistic effort than any of the other pages combined, but it took the most emotional energy. I stuck with it though and just kept going with the art. I focused on painting the heart and getting it closer to anatomical correctness. I thought about asking Dr C for support, but changed my mind. I was determined to wade through the triggers on my own… it worked. It took all day to complete and now it’s waiting for Monday when I can talk to Dr C about it.
Here are the finished pages (except for the hidden layer):
The top page says: “be the author of your life… write your own ending”
The left page (with the heart) says; “don’t think of all the things you fear, just be glad to be here”, and the right side has a Harry Potter quote; “I don’t care! I’ve heard enough, I’ve seen enough, I want out, I want it to end, I don’t care anymore!” … “you do care. You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death from the pain of it…”
And some progress shots:
Somewhat fitting that the heart being mended was done on an invoice from Dr C. I was originally looking for something more vintage to paint it on, but found this instead.
This page was done on wax paper so the brain portion is still see-through to the bottom layer.
Yesterday after work, I came home and promptly fell asleep (in the middle of texting a friend!). I slept hard for 2.5 hours, and really didn’t want to wake up at the point I did. I forced myself all the way awake though, and headed out to run some quick errands. 4 hours later, I had picked L up from work, we had dinner out, and returned home. We watched a few episodes of Nurse Jackie, then both of us crawled into bed…
I awake at 4:29 to one of the cats making a lot of noise. I had expected to fall back asleep, but I guess the earlier nap has thrown me off again. It’s now 6 am and I’m still wide awake.
It’s been over a month now that I can’t sleep well. My body and brain are exhausted most of the time, but it doesn’t seem to help. At least I’m getting some sleep though. I get about 4-6 hours a night. It’s still manageable. I just wish it were more.
L took a 3 day weekend (a first since my move back up here). Our plans are simply to do whatever we want… now if only I could sleep through the night 😉