Monthly Archives: May 2015

jewlery-making as distraction

grounding braceletsI made a handful of grounding bracelets today… I started making one for TM, then made another for her and couldn’t decide which I want to give. Then I just kept going. Made 6 in total, and a necklace. I would have made more, but I am out of toggle clasps. Listed everything on etsy except the two choices for TM.

Now that the distractions are up, all I want to do is cry.

Made some progress on the move front yesterday by reserving a pod (so we don’t have to worry about towing our stuff. in the long run, it ends up costing about the same). We have no place to move to, but hopefully the apartment L applied for will be approved with all 3 dogs. If not, we will keep looking… The hope provided by the apartment possibility is wearing off now. The depression is looming huge and dark. I’m so tired of this.

Add to all that now saying goodbye to TM 2 weeks before we had planned and I’m a puddle. I go through the motions. I function (barely), but I’m not feeling anything but heaviness. I guess tomorrow I will call at least one of the three referrals she gave me yesterday. TL might still work there. If she does, and it would be ok, maybe I could see her again till I leave. It would help going back to someone I know even if it’s a different organization.

There’s so much stuff I know I need to do asap around the house, but I just can’t… The little dog is starting to grow dreads. He desperately needs a bath and haircut. I just don’t have the energy. The reptile room also needs spot-cleaning, but again, no energy.

How do you treat depression symptoms that neither meds nor behavioral therapy can touch anymore? I am still adamantly against ECT, so that will never be an option. What’s left?

Last night’s art journal class & a moment of zen

I barely got out of bed yesterday. I got up to go to the bathroom and take care of the dogs…

In the early afternoon, I decided I need to take some sort of action to help me stabilize a bit. My friend then posted that there were still spots let in her journal class that night. I told her I was going. I didn’t really have the money for it, but I needed the distraction and to get out of bed (and the house). I’m really glad I went.

Not only was it great to see my friend, but I met some cool new people also. And the journal page came out really cool. I liked the concept so much (and I was bored waiting for the first one to dry) that I did one in both journals.

wpid-20150529_215618.jpgFirst we created an abstract background with tempera paint (the blocks, so it ended up looking like a grungier watercolor). It took a few layers, but they came out really cool. I might have to invest in some tempera blocks. Then we traced/drew some feather outlines on the page and painted around them with diluted gesso. I did the first page as she showed us (painting the whole page but the feathers). The second one I tweaked. One of the other ladies in class painted one half of her journal, then did the reverse (painted the feathers in) on the other half. Her’s came out really cool, so I tried a similar technique.

I showed TM both of them today, and upon seeing the smaller one, she commented how bright and happy the colors were… Then she looked closer and read the poem. She frowned a bit. She said it was surprising (or interesting? or striking? I can’t remember her exact word choice) that at first glance the page looked so happy & bright, but the words and additional images were so sad/dark/depressing. I hadn’t put it together in as many words at the time, but it was somewhat on purpose. It matches my presentation a lot of the time: I may look happy & bright and together at first glance, until you take a closer look. Then you see the darkness…

wpid-20150529_232604.jpgThe second page looks a bit more chaotic and grungy even at first glance, but the words are happier. They are lines/words from a song (“I won’t come down” & “fly”) I guess I liked the concept of having to look past initial impressions to get the true feel of the piece; contradictions in appearance and substance… Much like all of humanity. You can’t judge anything on appearance & first glances alone. There’s always more to it… (sorry, I don’t have an updated picture of the second one with the additional lyrics on it, but they are at the top, center of the spread).

I had a lot of fun doing them. I’m also ::gasp!:: pleased with how they turned out 😉

And finally, for a moment of zen; tonight’s sunset & moon: (yeah, so the sunset keeps getting more dramatic as it progresses… jumped up like 5 times for pics already. gonna miss this view a lot…)


(not so) brief update

I met with TM today. I had dragged myself out to an art journal class last night, so I was feeling a bit better when I met with her. We processed Thursday’s session a bit, and came up with a relatively solid plan for an ending. We will have 2 more sessions. I was able to express how much I really need a proper goodbye, then we commiserated on our mutual dislike of endings. We both have homework for next session: to write about/express what this ending means to us… That will be hard. I started mine, but it will be a process over the next few days.

We also chatted a bit more on a professional level about the therapy process and what’s been helpful or not. I asked her if my gut feeling around the gravity of Thursday’s appointment was accurate. She clarified that, while safety concerns were on her mind, she wasn’t having the conversation with the intention of forcing any action. We then had a short conversation around the added trauma caused by involuntary commitment. I joked that it also makes for a mountain of paperwork. I’m glad we are on the same page on the subject. We spoke about trust briefly…

She gently called me out on something that drives me nuts when it happens to me, and I was doing it to her (though that was not my intention). She was expressing concern over something, and I simply said “no” and shook my head. While I meant it in the sense of “you shouldn’t be wasting energy on me like that, I don’t deserve/warrant it”, she took it as a denial of the validity of her expression. She looked at me and said something along the lines of: “I’m telling you how I’m feeling. You don’t get to invalidate that”… and how right she is. It drives me nuts when I hear one of my parents say “no, you don’t feel that way; you feel this way.” Who are they to know how I feel?! Maybe they would not feel the same, or they don’t want me to feel like that, but the reality is that I do. Same with TM today. While I didn’t want her to be concerned, she was. I didn’t have either the knowledge or the right to tell her otherwise… I’m really gonna miss her. :/

Overall, a good session today. I’m really sad there’s only 2 left. There is still so much I want to tackle, but there isn’t time. She did ask how I wanted to work on the ending, and I reminded her I sucked at them, and had no real concrete ideas on the spot. I told her there were a few things I wanted to wrap up, but I wasn’t sure we could finish it. I definitely want to cover that one bit of homework I had given her several weeks ago, but we didn’t really address. I also want to wrap up some of the other csa stuff I had started to talk about but again couldn’t finish… There won’t be enough time though. It sucks.

The anxiety about the building being so reminiscent of a locked unit is slowly going down. More and more decor is showing up, and it’s looking friendlier. The obnoxious buzzer is still startling though.

I really clicked with TM. Yeah, I tried hard not to let myself get too attached, but that failed. Now I find myself missing her before we are finished. I laughingly told her that I would appreciate her making this termination easier by becoming a bitch so I could hate her… It won’t happen.

UGH! I hate endings. You would think after 18+ therapists in as many years I would have this figured out, but it’s still all a learning process. All I know is that proper endings are really important. I might go cry over this again now 😦

powerful read (link inside)

A friend posted this on fb… powerful read on domestic violence relationships…

please read with caution, as it might be triggering for some.

5 things an abused women wants you to know.

So… yeah.

Getting referred out because TM can’t provide the added support I need right now. Can’t keep seeing her because it would be a “duplication of services”…

I know I need it. I know I was probably going to bring it up again if she hadn’t, but I didn’t want to have to say goodbye quite yet. We only had 4 more sessions left (or maybe now it would have been 3?)…

It still sucks.

Not quite sure how to process all this. As long as I was still able to make it just seeing her weekly, I could talk myself out of my own hopelessness a bit. Now? I can’t turn off the tape that says she believes I’m as hopeless as I think I am. I can’t pull away from thinking that things will never get better because I always pathetically fall back to this.

I used to be functional. I used to have a life and a career and some friends… it all feels fake and so far away. The move that is supposed to happen at the end of next month feels impossible. There’s nothing that works to make any of this better.

It’s too much effort, so I melt into this really pathetic, useless, fucked-up up puddle.

Holding my breath

I find myself holding my breath for my session tomorrow… it’s going to be a letdown. I want her to be more than she is; to have more power to magically fix things than she actually does.

The depression is so huge and overwhelming right now. I’ve run out of words and expressions that might adequately convey the hopelessness (I’m not sure I ever had them). I don’t have pictures in my head that could explain things. I’m tapped. It’s all a blank.

I spent most of the day in bed… it’s just not worth getting up.

More art because words are not happening right now

Art Dump Update

filled in the heart, then went overboard with the dumb splatters. Once it is dry, I will cover over some of them and fix the hole in the canvas… Also added a dragonfly to the lotus flower. Wishing I had used different colors for the wings, but whatever…

Fake it till you (don’t) make it

I’ve been a good little girl. I’ve been trying to keep myself distracted and balanced and breathing and everything else positive that should be helping. I’ve even done some cleaning and organizing in prep for the move… only I still feel like I’m breaking apart.

The second the distractions slow down, I’m overwhelmingly tearful and hopeless. I’m so tired of this…

Art dump

Things have been wierd lately. I’ve been feeling better, but not really. I’ve had more success distancing, and the super-heavy depression has lifted to just average depression. Finally got around to running some errands that needed running, as well as doing some long-overdue chores. Today I played art. Messing more with those pebeo paints I won from the mothers day art raffle… there’s quite the learning curve to get the paint:outline radio just right. It’s also recommended not to drink while painting (dropped a heart I was outlining and, like buttered bread, it landed face-down). I was able to salvage it, and I threatened to paint in the outline on the tile floor also (which strangely enough, my mom was laughing about and said it would be ok)…

Anyway, here’s what I have pics of. The salvaged heart will be photographed again after the outline is dry so I don’t screw it up worse 😉

Don’t Believe by Seether

I have this song on my iPod. The part about taking all you can take drew me in when it played the other day. I hadn’t really paid attention to the rest of the lyrics so I looked them up… “Don’t believe in anyone” is another one that resonates though it shouldn’t.

Your heart is carved in stone
And apathy flows in your veins
When flesh falls from the bone
You’ve taken all you can take

You can take
All you can take
You can take

Don’t believe in anyone
‘Cause they’ll feel you so much more
Deep inside the venom is burning
Love her

When stink fades into smell
The liquor has washed you away
When face cracks into smile
You’ve taken all you can take

You can take
All you can take
You can take

Don’t believe in anyone
‘Cause they’ll feel you so much more
Deep inside the venom is burning
Love her

You can’t take
I’ll give in
You can’t break
What’s broken
Your mistake
I’ll rest my body in the ground

Don’t believe in anyone
‘Cause they’ll feel you so much more
Deep inside the venom is burning
Love her

Don’t believe in anyone
‘Cause the day that you were born
Can’t deny the enemy’s taken over

an end date…

There was so much I wanted to talk to TM about today, but none of it made it to my lips…

We did talk a bit about last week’s confession around how shitty I’m feeling. We also tried to brainstorm some stuff to give me structure. Well, ok, TM tried to brainstorm. I was having trouble focusing. They moved to the new office over the weekend. I guess today was their first day open at the new location. Nothing was ready. I almost wish TM would have just rescheduled me either to later in the day, or another day. It would have sucked, and I would have felt like shit, but it would have been more productive than today. I guess we were productive for stuff on her end, but not on mine. I kept paying attention to all the noises elsewhere in the office. And the room we were in reminded me very much of a hospital… I hope next week it will be more settled.

She kept trying to tell me it was ok to ask for more support. She talked a bit about the various therapeutic programs and how they took a while to get into. She mentioned some volunteering. I just couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying.  We determined that our last session would be June 23rd…

I kept wanting to wheel myself out of the room (we were both in rolling desk chairs). It looked and felt too much like a locked unit. I kept worrying that I wouldn’t be allowed to leave. Rationally, I know that wouldn’t have happened, but it triggered the fear in me. I wasn’t able to put together that I was triggered till long after I left her. I just knew that in the office, I kept pushing myself and my chair as far back as possible, and I was scared of TM. I wanted to reach beside me and open the door, but I kept thinking it was locked. It felt like TM was matching my discomfort because her chair was all the way back against her wall also. I’m not totally sure if she realized that, or if it happened by accident. I kept waiting for the conversation to turn to me needing a higher level of care, and then being hospitalized. It didn’t happen, but part of me was surprised to have walked out at the end of session. It’s not even like I mentioned safety concerns to her, we actually talked about how much better I have been handling this than in the past. It was just that the room looked so much like a locked mental health unit, I couldn’t pull out of the fear…

I think we may have talked about other things too, but I’m not sure what. Maybe those things took up the whole session time. I know I wanted to tell her some of the stuff flying around in my head. I wasn’t sure how to get them past my lips. I wanted to hand her some of the stuff I had been meaning to give her for the past 2 weeks. I wanted to talk a bit about the support forum. I wanted to talk to her about my experience talking to a friend about some of the stuff TM and I have been covering. None of it squeaked out. None of it made it through the panic.

I kept apologizing for being a pain in the ass. She asked again what made me think I was being annoying. I tried to convey that I had answers, but couldn’t find them in the moment, and that is what I thought would annoy her. I couldn’t get past the internal panic though… I kept giving her “I don’t know” because I couldn’t access the answers in my own head. I couldn’t “act as if”. I couldn’t function… I tried to think whether or not I would be annoyed at a client if they presented like I did. I landed on “no”, but I also could not then translate that to apply to myself. I tried to tell her my self-esteem and lack of self-worth didn’t allow me to move out of that head-space, but it all sounded like jargon to me. I imagined her thinking how annoying I was, how frustrating and resistant and willful I was being, and that if I could just stop being that way, we could get somewhere. I tried again to gain an outside perspective, but I still couldn’t apply my own patience with others to myself. Who am I to warrant any compassion? (At the time, a combination of speaking with a DBT clinician and multiple hospital experiences were crowding my head. I remembered being blamed for not trying hard enough, for not being able to use my skills, for being resistant and willful and deliberately sabotaging my recovery because I was stubborn. I couldn’t separate it from the experience of speaking with TM in the present. I couldn’t look at her, and in my head she looked like the DBT clinician L)…

I did manage to tell her about the line of thinking that allowed me to see some smidge of self-worth last week, and how I kept going back to it to try to get through the weekend. Even as the words left my mouth though, they felt stupid and contrived. I was suddenly reacting to her like I would have G. I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing in the wrong way, or because I wasn’t calling her the most intelligent and worthwhile person on the planet, I was being disrespectful. I didn’t attribute all of my change in thinking to her though. I told her of the success and quietly waited for her to blow up at me… Again, the full realization that I was triggered and responding to the past rather than TM or the moment only hit me long after I left.

We set up a time to check in on Thursday. I protested about being bothersome, so she was going to leave it up to me to call if I needed, but I was able to tell her that I would prefer having something scheduled. I told her I would probably agonize over calling her then end up not deeming anything worthy of bothering her for. She said we would schedule it and she would call Thursday… She left an invitation open for me to call tomorrow too if I feel I need it. I instantly shook my head. That would be too much of an imposition to be able to agree to. Though thinking about it now, I may leave her a message hoping it lessens the anxiety. I would like to be able to let her in on what went on for me today without wasting too much session time.

Even writing about it all is triggering a lot of anxiety and fear. I really hope next week feels different. It will be more than a week for settling in (because of the holiday next week), so I really hope they get things decorated and set up better. And I really hope TM’s office doesn’t feel as triggering as the random room we were in today. When I speak with her on Thursday, I should remember to ask if it would be ok for me to leave her a message over the weekend to help get through it. I know she won’t be there or anything, and I wouldn’t expect a return call. It just sometimes helps to leave her messages.


on what it feels like to have an anxiety disorder…

saw this on that support forum…

Photos of what it feels like to have anxiety.

still struggling with the concept of helping on that forum. very close to asking to be removed from being admin, but figure I will try a few more days of it. It’s hard, it’s triggering, it’s overwhelming… and I haven’t even really done anything. but the constant barrage of notifications and the pop-up messaging window that is “the office” has me fleeing from there most of the time. at least gonna talk a bit to TM about it. maybe it’s just the level of depression and the intensity of the spiral right now…

Devil’s Thunder by Rachael Cantu

I heard this song on Private Practice recently, and fell in love with her music.


“Little bird” by her also. This one!

As soon as the distractions slow, my head spins out of control.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired.

I don’t like the prospect of having to give up any of my kids, let alone one of the dogs. But we can’t find any place that will take all three. Not that I think they would let us in any way. My credit sucks. I can’t figure out how to reliably pull myself out of that hole… I start to get somewhere, then the depression pulls me down into the black hole and it’s all shot to hell. Kinda like the rest of my life. I start to get it going again, then depression shows up and I’m back down hard and fast.

Fuck it. It will never change…

Themes much? (Art Journal)

Done over the last few days. I’m obsessed with the pebeo mirror foil… and needing some reminders apparently.
Also, new gelato colors are wonderful.



holy panic!

I just agreed to join the ranks of “Admin” for an online PTSD support forum. I had been asked a few times over the past year, and have declined every time. This time, I decided to get more info about what was involved. It seemed too much, but I told the group’s creator that I could help out here and there… She announced it on the board, and suddenly the panic set in. I nearly cried. I apologized and ran out of there.

What did I get myself into?

This is along the lines of work I have done for years. It’s what my degrees are in. It’s what all my experience is in… it’s also what has led to numerous triggered episodes and heavy burn-out. Can I do this? :gulp!:

The pros:

  • I like helping people.
  • It’s not like I will need to give notice if it gets overwhelming and need to step down
  • It’s just online
  • They are aware of my limited availability,
  • It’s not in a therapeutic, professional capacity
  • It’s just rule enforcement and peer support
  • I can still look to the group for support as needed…

The cons:

  • PANIC!!!!!!
  • Having to be more of a support when I am used to going there for support,
  • Needing to keep on top of making sure people are following the rules,
  • Potentially confronting nuisance members,
  • Having made a commitment to pay close attention to something that I can’t even regularly get alerts for because it gets overwhelming.

Ok. Just have to remember to breathe. I can give it a try for a bit, and I can back out if need be. The creator of the group is aware of my hesitation. She was clearly ok enough with my limited availability and reliability… It will be ok. Just breathe…

Dear TM (things I doubt I can tell you)

Dear TM,

I want to spend the day in bed again and just cry my eyes out. I know I need to ride the depression out because there is nothing that will fix it, but it’s so difficult.

I haven’t cried again yet, though I have wanted to every day for the past week. I keep thinking if I can let go and cry in front of you, maybe it will feel more useful than simply sobbing into my pillow, but… I can’t let anyone see me cry. I can barely cry when I’m by myself.

I’m still afraid Tuesday will be a conversation around how I’m in need of more services than you can provide, how you need to refer me out. And I will want to get up and walk away and never return or even finish the conversation, but I won’t be able to move because tears will finally spill out of my eyes (though I won’t admit to crying) and I can’t walk out through the building looking like that (and I doubt my legs would carry me very far at that point. I’ll want to crumple up and melt into the floor. It hurts so much because my safe places and people always disappear. I will want to disappear myself, but won’t want to leave your office because I’ll want to get as much you time in as possible before I never see you again).

I’m so so so scared I won’t be able to keep seeing you the next few weeks before the move. I’m scared that I’m falling apart too much to continue seeing you, and your supervisor and you will determine I need to move on… I really don’t want to lose you right now because I actually trust you enough to feel safe with you. Please, please, please don’t kick me out before I leave. It’s just 5 weeks max… (again, a huge change that lands right before that huge anniversary). I know I’m going “back”, but my supports will not be available (L will be busy working and I don’t even think I have the others anymore) so it will feel lonelier than here. Why is it that everyone leaves around July? K, De, N, D, you, the house, everything and everyone…

So much for leaving the panic around possible termination for after Tuesday…



Depression sucks donkey balls… or Hot sauce hot enough to take out an army

Seriously. The air is so oppressive sometimes… I wish it would smoother me. I wish something would alleviate the heaviness. I wanted to cry both on the way to journal class and on the way home. Tears escaped my eyes both times.

The only thing that helped once home was a poor hot sauce decision… it wasn’t totally intended that way, though I admit I put more of this really hot sauce on my dinner in hopes of self harming without causing visible damage. It certainly accomplished that. I’ve never had such an intense and painful reaction to hot sauce. I can normally handle really spicy stuff, but apparently this pushed my body to the limit. I had eaten a ghost pepper once on a dare and it barely tingled my tongue. This ghost pepper hot sauce though… I can’t even describe the pain. It was hot enough on my mouth, but that was relatively easily remedied with several spoonfuls of sour cream. A few minutes later though, my stomach felt like it was being dissolved from the inside. I actually got sick from it. I was doubled over on the bathroom floor for several minutes. I could barely crawl to the bedroom for the tums. I took one, but it made no difference. 2 more, still no relief… I think I took 5 total before I finally threw up. :/ I curled back onto the floor willing my stomach to stop the pain. When I could finally stand again, I crawled to the couch and curled up. If I tried to straighten out, the burning and pain intensified. A few seconds later, the tums wore off. I actually then resorted to drinking a glass of milk (I HATE milk. I think it’s gross to drink, and will only use it to wet my cereal, or to cook with). My stomach finally started to slow is death rolls…

I wanted acceptable pain tonight, and boy did I ever get it. 4 hours, 5 tums, a glass of milk, 1/2 cup of sour cream, and a prescription acid reducer later there’s still burning. That might have been some of the worst physical pain I’ve felt yet. I think I’m good.

It also worked to lift the depression a bit. I’m was no longer curled in a ball begging to die because of the emotional pain, I was doing it purely for the physical hurt.

I used to laugh at the concept of eating spicy food to curb self harm urges. I will no longer laugh at that thought. It definitely worked tonight. Holy cow. Prior to this, the worst reaction I had was to “Mayan Death” hot sauce. It felt as if I’d been kicked in the chest by a horse. And that was some decently hot sauce… this ghost pepper stuff though… ouch. It truly kicked my ass.

But again, I’m not crying and willing the universe to kill me already, so… yeah.

I didn’t get a decent pic of my journal background from the class tonight and I have since ruined it by trying a different technique. And now I have to wait at least 72 hours for the new paint to dry (pebeo’s oil based fantasy series)… oh well. Learning experience.

Anyway. Hope the hot sauce experience will continue to work on the depression tomorrow too. I was very close to following through on a call to TM’s agency’s crisis line… I really don’t want to do that, so I’m glad this helped… 

well then…

That day of respite from all the heaviness yesterday is over today. I’m trying so hard to beat this thing. Is there treatment that actually works?? I’m doing the behavioral stuff I’ve learned over the years, going to outpatient therapy, doing meditation…

Meds tend to make things worse, but I am about ready to give them another try. Worst case I totally tank on them and everything finally ends.

I just don’t know anymore.

The only suggestions I keep getting from my treatment providers is to keep doing the stuff I’m doing, it’s just not helping…

universal messages

It’s amazing how, when you are ready & the universe wants to hammer home a message, it certainly does that.

In the past 3 days, I’ve heard and been reminded multiple times that I have worth. I have been reminded that it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it…

Hard message to swallow.

Originally from a source I can’t place, brought up by TM, and re-inforced by an episode of Private Practice (s1e6 minute 33)… (wish I could find the clip to link it, or the patience to transcribe it – maybe tomorrow?)

I’ve got a combo of warm-fuzzies and the creeps…

what a difference a night of sleep can make

I feel so much better after finally getting a full night of sleep. Thanks to the sleep cocktail I took last night, I was out for 12 hours ❤

I checked in with TM today, though I was still really “fozzy” at the time because the benadryl had not totally worn off. We talked about the message I had left her asking if she knew of any additional support resources. I was able to clarify that it didn’t need to be therapeutic so much as help with structure. We will both brainstorm individually and re-visit it on Tuesday.

At the end of the conversation, I admitted to her that I didn’t want to lose her right before the move. Her only response was “Mmm…” o_O I hope I didn’t do or say something to prompt the “refer out” conversation. After the phone call, I wished I had asked if that was an Mmm that meant “I know you’re hurting and scared of so many changes” or one that meant “Yeah, we already had that conversation, and I’m waiting to spring it on you next session.” I guess I will find out on Tuesday. My panic has me thinking it’s the second one. It’s the same response I had gotten from De when I asked if she would be referring me before the move, then upon her return from vacation she told me she was leaving the agency (back when I thought I was moving in 2 months time). I dunno. If Tuesday comes and she mentions referring out or terminating before late June, I need to put on my big girl panties and walk away. SO not what I want, but that’s rarely been taken into account anyway, so what’s the difference? I will hold out on panicking till I see her again. I need to remember to ask her about it directly at that time. Till then, just breathing. (I wish this happened at a time I could contact her to alleviate some of the worry from the weekend. Even as we were talking though, their phone system went down. She called me back from an unavailable number that I’m assuming was her personal cell. Tomorrow and Saturday their office will be busy moving to another location, and she wasn’t sure if their voice mails would be functioning normally). Just gotta wait till Tuesday. Not that long. It’s do-able, right?

On a lighter/happier note; something in the way she phrased things the last two times we talked made me feel cared-about (in more than that obligatory therapst-y care, but genuine “I care about you as a human being that I’ve come to know” kinda way). It triggered the memory of a bunch of genuine sentiments I’ve heard over the years but wasn’t necessarily able to internalize at the time. It’s actually a really nice feeling. I’m going to work at carrying it through the weekend.

The self-harm urges have been present today, but they were easier to resist. And it was easier to stay out of bed more of the day also. Quite amazing what a night of quality sleep can do. Can someone forcefully remind me of this the next time I start to spiral down? Thanks 😉

quote – john irving

Your memory is a monster; you forget – it doesn’t. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you – and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you! – John Irving

kicking self

I ended up cancelling tomorrow’s appointment with TM, and I am kicking myself.

While it decreased the anxiety around taking more than I should, I recognize it’s pushing her away. It’s not really what I want to do, but I’m also not sure I can sit with knowing I would be taking up three time slots this week. I know they are often hard-pressed to offer services to everyone that reaches out to them. I don’t want to take so much more than my share. If I take 2 additional time slots with TM, that’s 2 people still on the waiting list…

She gave me permission to hide in bed for a bit. I’m sure she didn’t mean all week, but whatever works, right?

Curling up, hiding, and ignoring the world…

I’m guessing if I asked for that time slot, I could probably get it back, but I don’t want to keep waffling. I’ll leave her a message tonight sometime after midnight, because then it’s technically Thursday (I had said I would call for a check-in on Thursday). I know she wanted to actually talk to me, but it’s easier to talk to her voice mail. She may be a bit frustrated by that, but I’m working on walls… She’ll probably be more relived that she doesn’t have to waste time on the phone with me.

Insomnia is never far

Can’t sleep. Can’t shut my brain and body off. Resorted to turning on my music on the phone even though there’s meditation and sleep tracks piping through my ipod. Might turn on the TV in a few if my head doesn’t slow soon. Really just wish I could sleep…

thoughts on today’s session: authenticity

I told TM today that I wasn’t sure if what I remembered happening actually happened. I wish I could remember what she had said in response. I know it was something along the lines of “you wouldn’t have the reactions you do if it wasn’t real…” Something about having the physical reactions I do meaning it’s not just my over-active imagination… but I can’t quite remember what she said.

Only I really don’t want to believe them. I’d much rather they not be true. It would be easier if I was just a really messed-up person with really messed-up fantasies. 😦

I should have remembered it before now, but then again, I don’t remember much of anything…

I managed to tell her how depressed I’ve been. We talked a bit about authenticity and congruencey in life. We came up with a social media analogy: the stuff everyone gets to see is the “Facebook” version of me – the smiles, the functioning, the “I’m fine.” The stuff that is closer to reality is the everything not in the pictures. This is true for everyone, including TM…


She was originally just going to check in over the phone, but I told her it was useless: I suck on the phone. So then she offered an additional session… I didn’t like that idea much better either. I know she is busy re-locating her office at the end of this week. She had also suggested that the next session be a “happy” one… I wanted to ask her if she comprehended how invalidating that was after our conversation on being authentic at least in therapy, but I didn’t say anything. I think I’m just going to cancel the additional session and ask if she’s still ok with a check-in call. It’ll just be me saying everything’s fine, but I won’t feel so guilty taking up as much of her time.

I dunno…

I think I just want to hide. If I could spend the next week totally unconscious, that would be fine. I think she was trying to give me permission to hide away for a while, but I didn’t know how to tell her I’ve already been hiding away unless I have to be out of the house for something. It’s not helping me recharge my strength, it just feels safer that way.


I called her later and left a message canceling the in-person appointment… I really don’t want to be that bothersome.

shame and attachment in therapy (link to outside article)

Came across a link to this on a support forum. It’s a post on shame and attachment in therapy. It makes a lot of sense to me… I was originally going to slip it into another post, but I couldn’t figure which one it made more sense to add it to, so it’s getting its own post…

I recently wrote to TM that I am mad at myself for kinda feeling attached to her, for feeling she is safe. I don’t want it from someone I know I will lose from my life in short order. I would rather have it from people I expect to be around (my wife, my f.o.o., my close friends)… It would be easier that way, but not necessarily safer.

Wow, this turned long. and tangential. Sorry.

They say insight helps move you forward. But what if you have all this insight, and don’t know what to do with it? It doesn’t magically change things. It still takes a lot of work, and struggle, and… I’m tired of having insight and not knowing what to do with it.

I called TM and left a message because I realized that my pattern was to crash if I didn’t reach out. So I told her I needed to reach out, and I was hoping just leaving the message would help. It did in the moment, but now I want to crumble again… knowing the reason for the “crisis” isn’t helping to avoid it right now. And having alternate coping skills is not making much of a difference. I guess it’s the small victories: I made it out of the house for a bit. I put off crashing… I guess that’s a positive. And I called TM in hopes of heading off a bigger, harder crash (so far it’s working). Only what happens next week when she suggests an iop again? And what happens when she refers me out even though we have maybe a month left? 😦

I hate that trust comes so hard. I hate that I need to find a paid someone to trust and reach out to. I hate that it always ends so soon. I’ve seen more therapists than I have been in years of therapy. There have only been 3 I was able to see for more than 10 months (and 3 out of the last 4 I only saw for about 4 months each)… JF was an intern when I started seeing her, but she got hired on to keep working at the clinic, so I saw her for 2.5 years (until I graduated). LKB was the first private-practice therapist I saw. She ditched me after 2 years because I was too acute… then Dr C I saw for 2.5 years until I moved. Everyone else was an intern, except De & TM, who were/are limited by agency policy.

There was JJ, DJ (saw her one year during two of the school breaks, so maybe 10 times total), B, CS, JF, TB, JG, LKB, SC (dbt), Dr C, BGR (iop), L (dbt), Dr GD (the center), D, JP, De, TL, and TM… I’m missing a few because last count TM was #18 or 19… who am I missing? I hadn’t included therapists I saw fewer than 5 times, or any psychiatrists, or clinicians associated with hospital programs who I would have only seen a very few times.

Anyway, yeah. Trust is hard, but I seem to have to get around to starting again every few months. It gets tiring. It makes it really difficult to get anywhere. I finally get through the “data dump” stage and it’s time to switch again. That’s why I’m so stubborn around trying to tackle more stuff with TM before our time is up. I need to get further in all this… and I am not sure I will find a therapist I trust would know how to handle the blowout from the sexual assault stuff. I know Dr C tried to get me to deal with it, but I couldn’t get over the shame. Maybe if I can get back in with her, it wouldn’t be so hard this time, but I don’t think she will be around… and I’m still not sure I trust her not to think horrible things of me. There’s some safety in TM working for the sexual assault clinic. She’s likely heard it all, or her colleagues have heard it all, and the judgement would be less… I still have trouble telling TM some things because of the shame involved, but I think the chances of her having heard the same thing before are higher than with Dr C… I dunno. I really miss Dr C though… and JF… and Dr GD… and De. They felt safe. TM feels safe when I’m not caught up in walls and transference… I miss TL, but more in a colleague sense than a therapist sense. She kept me in a more professional head-space during sessions. She was the first to be able to keep the more adult side of me present more times than not. I think it came from her expecting me to be more “professional” and aware. There was something about the transference with her that allowed me to be competent as an adult and a professional. I don’t really know how to explain it…

…I hate that the emotionally safest relationships are all paid ones. But I guess that contributes to the safety. If it wasn’t so one-sided and professional, I would be seeing the judgement and emotional reactions to my crazy, and I would be walking on eggshells with them to the same extent I do my friends and family. I still walk on eggshells with therapists, but it’s not as careful and distanced as it is with people who could really hurt me with their reactions…

Anyway, I digress again. Trying to avoid being the drama queen De saw me as. Trying to pull out of the crisis cycle that is threatening to come barreling in full force. Trying to put all this insight to use. Let’s hope it all works. o_O

Distractions: some art journal progress from yesterday

Yesterday I spent the day with my friend who teaches the art journal classes. We were going to play around more making spray inks, but my car needed to go to the shop, so I ended spending the day with her. We ran her errands, then went back to her place. I played around with journal pages, and her dogs (omg are they ever friggin cute! They’re a pair of french bulldogs…).

I didn’t finish anything, but started a few backgrounds… actually, I finished the “heart” page that I had drawn the other night but really disliked (before and after images included)… The blue & black page I finished at home last night (and true to my printer-ink-as-spray-ink history, I’m still waiting for the black ink to dry 24 hours later).

I also got some of the mirror foil that my friend has, and added it to my “create” page from last week. The glue used is really cool. It was still tacky and workable a week after application. It’s supposed to remain tacky for use with the foil for like 2 weeks, and I believe it. I even had dust on my journal, and wax on other parts but the foil stuck to the glue lines. Very cool!

The other 3 pages are still just backgrounds. We did end up making the additional spray inks, but I left them at her place for the time being. I’ll do a whole other post about that experience, as color theory doesn’t quite work the same with clothing dye (who knew blue and yellow wouldn’t mix well. We got a light olive-green, a slightly darker yellow, a slightly greenish blue, and a black, but no straight-up green)…

Anyway, here are the backgrounds and the finished pages in no particular order.

fake it till you make it

…or not.

It’s all fake, but I can’t drop the mask. Not to anyone. I’m afraid it’s gone too far and I need to keep the mask on because that’s all that’s left holding me together.

I’m so tired. I’m out of energy to keep faking it for too much longer. :/