What dissociation feels like to me

I’m aware this may be different than what I’ve written before. My understanding of it tends to be limited to what I can access in the moment. 

Today, my understanding of my dissociation is as follows: 

My dissociation is varied. When heavily triggered, I lose all memory of a period of time. I have very spotty memories from my childhood, maybe a handful from my entire 18 years before moving to college. I’m starting to regain some of those memories, but they are all trauma memories coming back. 

When I’m less dissociated, it just feels like i’m floating in a grey fog far away from everyone and everything. Sometimes I can’t hear people talking to me. I’m not always aware of the dissociation until someone points it out to me, but there are times I’m very aware. Those times it feels like i’m on autopilot; saying and doing things because that’s what’s expected of me. 

There are times when I’m surprised at my appearance and the fact that I have a body & a face. That used to happen a lot more when I was younger. I would walk past my reflection and stop to stare at it. I needed to study it because I had no clue that’s what I looked like, or that I even existed as a corporeal being… those instances have lessened in severity. I still stare at my reflection at times, but it doesn’t take as long to understand I’m actually a person. 

Regardless of the type of dissociation, I generally don’t feel anything like physical touch, or even pain… Sometimes the dissociation is accompanied by flashbacks, but other times my mind is blank…

What’s your experience been like with it? 

When anger bubbles

I’m finding that I’m really hating myself in a bunch of situations. I’m finding rage bubbles up, or I’m losing my temper, or in letting other people’s emotions influence my own. I’m finding I mirror the attitudes of those I’m around, and a lot of times its crappy attitudes. 

Today, it struck me again how much I dislike myself when I work with a particular colleague. She’s often in a bad mood and expressing it without much restraint. I’m noticing when I work with her, I’m more intolerant and more short-tempered than I’d like. I yell more easily, get frustrated more easily, and become unintentionally rough when correcting the dogs… I didn’t always used to be that way, but it’s happening more now. It’s certainly not her fault,  as I’ve noticed I’ve had times of bubbling rage, but it’s more easily triggered around her…

I need to be more on top of this. I need to be more aware, and return to my center faster when the anger is triggered. I need to be better at the self-control around my anger. I hate to turn into my dad…

Question on dissociated trauma memories

In therapy today, the question came up of what processed dissociated memories “should” feel like… 

I was mentioning that the things I’ve “processed” so far feel unreal. They seem to be packed away again and once again out of reach. They feel like someone else’s story, like a movie or TV show, but certainly not like experiences from my own life. 

That continued disconnect keeps me questioning the truth behind this new “story” of my life. 

Dr C wasn’t really sure how to answer her own question (about how it’s supposed to feel). I certainly don’t have an answer, as I’m just figuring things out for myself as I go. 

Does anyone have experience with how it should feel to process events that were completely dissociated for so long? Do they feel real? Do you have access to them once they’re processed? How does it feel afterwards? 

Thanks in advance. 

The thought of psych meds makes my chest tight

​I’m going to see my pcp about trying an antidepressant again. It’s kinda freaking me out. The last time I was on meds regularly for this, I pretty much lived in one psych hospital or another… I haven’t been that bad since coming off all meds 5 years ago. I really don’t want to get back to that space again.

I dunno what’s better; dealing with ridiculous depression and anxiety, or risking another revolving-door hospital experience. Dr C thinks it might work out better this time, especially if I stick to just an antidepressant. But that’s how it started last time… I might plan ahead and insist Dr S not prescribe anything after like 6 months, and nothing other than an a/d… and maybe agree that if I end up hospitalized at any point, we work on stopping the meds immediately instead of tweaking or adding. 

Triggers in random places

I saw this article on my Facebook feed, about a father who sexually abused his daughter several times, but will be spared jail time “for the sake of the family”. I understand the denial and reaction from the family (it sucks, but it’s all too common). What kills me is the court’s validation of that denial (though that doesn’t exactly surprise me either)… I didn’t think I’d have such a strong reaction to it, but it’s hit a nerve. 

I’m angry and crying and so sad…

Some of what the family said to gain leniency for the father are things I’ve heard within my own family growing up. While the circumstances were not the same, the denial of abuse among certain family members took the same path…

My heart is breaking for the little girl in that article. I want to run over and protect her myself, since no one else in her life seems to want to do it… regardless of any “evidence” that the dad will not assault anyone else, the kid deserves to feel safe and supported. She shouldn’t be forced to continue to live with her abuser, or to see him ever again. It’s not fair to her (even if she feels she needs to protect him)… her life will never be the same because of him. She will deal with this the rest of her life. Yeah, she may get to a point where she’s more healed and balanced, but she will be forever impacted by not only the sexual abuse, but her family’s rally around dad… who is there rallying for her? She must feel so invalidated and worthless…

What are they teaching their kids with this, that you can break someone, but as long as you’re sorry it’s going to be ok? Bullshit.

It’s not fair… she deserves so much better.  

More anxiety

My chest is still tight. 

Woke up today… triggered? It’s not exactly the right word for it, because triggered implies more intensity. I was “on”, activated. I started journaling about the story playing out in my head. When I went back to it later to proof read it, it felt hollow and substance-less. I thought I had put more detail, but I guess most of it only played out in my head only. 

The story I woke into left me feeling triggered and on edge. I really wanted to cut. I was aware of the intensity of the desire for the release and balance that comes from it. I was also aware that I needed to try to avoid it… I decided to take a shower.  My usual showers last about 30 minutes on a good day, without that loop that has me feeling unable to get clean… Anyway, today’s shower took almost an hour and a half. I can’t recall any reason it would have. For some reason, I lost an hour in there. And when I was done, I no longer needed to cut. I know I didn’t (I wasn’t bleeding at all), but the desire was abated and my body was a bit sore… 

The loss in time caused me to run late for therapy…

I talked to Dr C about it a bit. She then mentioned something related to family that I had apparently told her previously. I don’t recall telling her anything like that, and I’m not sure I would have necessarily described things in that way, but I believe her when she says it’s something I’ve said to her… that got us onto the topic of dissociation and memory gaps. I expressed my frustration at being faced with more recent episodes of amnesia. I understand the function of it for traumatic events, but this random trigger that somehow connects to the trauma thus leading to dissociation frustrates me. I thought I had gotten to a point where I didn’t completely lose time anymore, but apparently I’m not. I still forget spans of time. Today it happened twice totaling over two hours. The second time happened while shopping after therapy. I thought I had been shopping for maybe an hour, but I had been there for 2.5 hours. Nothing notable happened, but it’s occurrence confuses me. Maybe it was left-over triggering from either the “memories” this morning, or my session with Dr C…

With this sudden increase in noticed loss of time, Dr C suggested I leave pen and paper around in hopes I may journal while checked out. She suggested journaling on my phone may be too complicated in a dissociated state. I dunno. It’s comfortable enough a medium for me… I’ve checked out while trying to journal in my art journal before and ended up just sitting frozen in that position while I was “out”. I’m not sure leaving a pen and paper around would do much. I think i’m more likely to journal on my phone. I know I’ve done that in the past while I was dissociated. Sadly, the app I had used at the time glitched and I lost most of that journaling. I do recall at one point before the app failed that I read several entries I had no memory of writing. Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve found a few entries I don’t recall at all, along with several I’m aware I wrote but cannot feel a connection to. I also know I’ve written quite a bit while dissociated in my private journal blog… none of it looks like anything vastly different than what I remember writing except for the entries that detail the flashbacks and memories; those I constantly have to reread in order to know what they contain. I have the general gist that they describe details, but I wouldn’t be able to recite most of it without reading it. It feels like someone else’s story…

Anyway, I think I lost my point for this post. I feel a bit better though. The anxiety isn’t as crushing after writing for a bit. I don’t necessarily feel grounded, but my chest isn’t tight and twitchy. I still want to cut, but I think I can get myself to bed without giving in. I just hope I can actually sleep tonight. I have work tomorrow. It’ll likely be a 10-hour day again. They are so exhausting, even though they “only” involve camp…

Oh, another stressor; my disability is being reviewed. I think I filled out the form correctly, but I was partially dissociated while doing it. I’m a bit worried I might lose my benefits. I felt weird getting it in the first place, though the providers I worked with seemed to think it was appropriate. I know I don’t have the energy to look for (and accomplish) full-time work. I currently don’t have the emotional head space to succeed at it even if I tried. I feel fake though. I should be able to suck it up and plow through all this. I should be able to be productive in society. I shouldn’t be so lazy and unmotivated… I feel like i’m wasting resources, but Dr C says it’s not a waste. She says having needs and taking time isn’t wasteful… I dunno. I think being so needy is wasteful and a pain in the ass, but she disagrees…

There’s that anxiety again. Guess I should sign off before I send myself into a tizzy over something which I have no control…

Sorry this post is so long-winded. I hope it makes sense and that autocorrect didn’t butcher it too badly because I have no energy to proof read just now…

And now I’m anxious about going to bed…

…will the anxiety ever just go away??

The flopping fish is going nuts in my chest. It makes my shirt dance. 

I’m anxious about going to bed. I know nothing bad will happen, but I’m still having a difficult time packing it in for the night. Every time I think about it, my chest rattles and thuds. 

Instead, I’m thinking of the most complicated way to frame a dimensional paper cut-out I did today. I’m not deliberately thinking of the hardest way to do it, that just seems to be my default. I can’t seem to figure out the easy answers to things untill someone points me in the right direction… so far, no one has done that. I’ve even asked the dogs, but they are more interested in what i’m eating and drinking than figuring out my framing issues…

I long for the day when depression, flashbacks, and anxiety no longer are a struggle. I’m so tired of all this. 

Anxiety is high today

I’m not sure why, but I’m freaking out about everything today. I’m normally ok driving places, but today I don’t want to drive. I don’t even want to be away from this spot on the couch. 

I’m supposed to meet a friend for dinner and give her the art piece she purchased, but I’m about in tears thinking about having to leave home or be social. My heart is doing the floppy fish thing too…

I really don’t know where all this anxiety is coming from. It’s not characteristic for me (at least not lately) to be this agoraphobic… I know Dr C would say she was glad I went out and did it despite the anxiety, but that’s not the bad part. I just don’t like that the anxiety is so intense around it. I also don’t like not knowing the trigger for it. Why is it that sometimes this anxiety feels so debilitating, but other times I’m fine going places? 

I want to curl up and cry and hide from the world…

Intrusive thoughts and insights

I find myself thinking about the past a lot, even when I’m trying to distract. It’s seeping through both my conscious and unconscious thoughts. I try to distract from it only to find it making an appearance unintentionally…

I think that was what triggered my sudden and “baseless” anger that later faded to resignation and defeat. I wasn’t really sure where it came from, or why it would quickly dissolve into sadness. I think I put it together finally; I had been absent-mindedly messing with watercolors this afternoon. I was trying to rekindle the relief I had found in session by painting “blood”, then later painting the feeling of comfort cutting would bring. Without meaning to, the pattern the watercolor took on resembled an image representative of the images/sensations I struggle with. I noted the resemblance, them moved on to another page to experiment with more watercolor. 

I guess the first image stirred stuff up because in less than 30 minutes, I was feeling rage bubble up. I snapped at L about something stupid, and wanted to isolate. The rage fizzled to resignation and depression shortly after… I wasn’t able to identify a potential trigger though till after returning home and contemplating the mess I made with the watercolors. I realized seeing the first piece that reminds me so much of trauma bubbled the anger again… and shame. I’m ashamed that the art I was trying to use to satisfy the desire to cut turned into a trigger. I’m ashamed at what I see in the splotches. I’m ashamed of the conflicting emotions it brings up.  I’m feeling a resigned sense of acceptance about these “memories” being accurate… and there’s grief there too: grief over losing the life I had thought I lived. I guess Dr C was right; this depression is at least in part fueled by grief. 

A blanket of silence

I’m in that space where it’s difficult to find words. It’s a quiet shutting down. Everything just feels too heavy… pulling away. Isolating in the only way I can at the moment: going into myself and erecting huge walls (to keep things in, and to keep others out) because it’s all an overload. 

I wish I could just stay home, but there’s work, and appointments, and plans with family & friends. 

I was ok being social a bit at work for about 5 hours, then I was drained. 

I’m so tired. 

Art journaling again, finally

It’s been a while, huh? 

The weekend went ok after fixing the art piece, though we didn’t really do much more with it. We were going to, but something else sidetracked us (though in the moment, I can’t really remember what it was). 

I’ve been really stuck in my art. I’ve completed a whole bunch of backgrounds, but nothing really finished. There were also a few doodles, but again, all unfinished and directionless. 

I think I managed to get through a piece tonight. I got further than any other piece in the past several weeks… I was trying for a Halloween theme (because, well, it’s the only holiday I really like, and it usually inspires me). I started it earlier this week but got sidetracked (themes much?). I grabbed some supplies I thought would work with the existing background. I started laying down washi tape. It wasn’t really a pattern with any real direction though, and I got stuck again. 

I began flicking through the screenshots on my phone (inspiration images, things I find interesting, quotes that stick out to me…). I landed on a quote that seemed appropriate; “it takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory” – Paulo Coelho. 

It fit the background and the washi tape pretty well. It also gave me more direction for the page. 

I used crackle paste to form the silhouette of a brain. Appropriate, since lately my brain feels cracked and broken. I feel cracked and broken… I know sometimes I feel these really horrible things, but other times I have no connection to any of it. I have these huge walls that I feel almost no control over. They slam into place with little warning, and they have very little seepage. 

Anyway… yeah. Here’s the page: