Tired

I’m so tired sometimes… like “drugged” tired, only I haven’t taken anything. 

I took L to work this am, poured another cup of coffee after I got back, and promptly feel fast asleep on the couch for easily 2 hours. 

I had several dreams during that time, mostly about being late for work (I have to leave shortly). 

It happens fairly often lately, a lot of the tome right after I wake up. Only, I don’t recall not sleeping well overnight all of those times, so it doesn’t make sense. When it happens after getting home from a full day of stuff, it’s not as baffling (like last night, after work and the family cookout… I was ready to sleep by 9pm). Sometimes I can fight through it and stay awake, but other times (like this morning), there’s no fighting it… 

I’m taking vitamins. I’m eating mostly a balanced diet… must just not be enough to balance out the stress.


Liiight buullbb…

It hit me the other day why I would have dreamt about De recently: we terminated on July 1st (4 years ago), and she left for her new job. 

That makes sense now…


Dear De

Dear De,

I dreamt about you last night. You were happy in your new job, and your life. I can’t remember much else about the dream, but we connected again in it. I caught you up on everything since we ended, and you let me in on some basics about how you were doing. 

It was nice to reconnect, even if it was just a dream… 

Peace, 

Sam

It’s weird. I don’t often dream about my therapists, but De seems to pop up in them more than most. I think it’s because I feel like I helped break her. I know it was a combination of the job, a lack of appropriate supervision/professional supports, and a lack of effective self-care while she worked in such a stressful position, but I was part of the job… so, yeah. I helped break her. 

I still feel guilty around it. 

What if I hadn’t been so open about my struggles? What if I tried harder at the techniques she presented? What if I’d made more of an effort to keep myself together? What if I’d have not given her access to my journals? What if I’d have been a better, less demanding client? What if…?

Ultimately, I know it was her responsibility to keep herself balanced and supported. I know that quitting work at the sexual assault counseling center was part of her self-care. I know it was her choice, rather than something she was forced into… yet I feel guilty. 

I think my guilt partially stems from my own experiences of burn-out in the field. I let my own experiences build up so much that they broke my defenses. I definitely feel guilty about the way I left my clients at the domestic violence counseling center. They had no notice, no termination, no chance to either say goodbye or run from the experience. I took their choice away. I took my choice away. I let myself fall apart too much before I finally was forced to pull away… I left because I landed in the hospital again (and again, and again). I could no longer function in the basics of my life, forget about in an intense and emotion-filled work environment…

De never got to that point before she realized she needed out. I’m grateful for that. 

I guess I dream about her more often because I worry about her more than other therapist’s I’ve had. I need to convince myself that she’s happy and thriving, even if I don’t know that for sure…



Learning can take time

So, I kinda realized today that the hyperarousal state Dr C had mentioned in group back in February is what I’ve been calling anxiety… bit slow on the uptake, but it finally clicked. 

It happened earlier today as I noticed my heart starting to race. I noticed myself starling at unexpected sounds, and I caught myself constantly glancing around… 

I felt like I needed to be on my guard,  but I couldn’t tell you why.

Anyway, so… yeah. Figured that one out. 4 months later. Go me… 😒


Strange “memories”?

Sometimes I get these… memories? They are weird. They come from the visual perspective of the adult, but the physical perspective of the kid… it’s very confusing and uncomfortable. 

Any emotional memory connected to it isn’t immediately apparent, though I might hazard a guess that there’s fear and anxiety that comes along with them. Most of that is muted though. It’s quickly overtaken by discomfort/disgust at the thought of ever having possibly perpetrated anything like that. 

It’s really weird to experience…

It’s mostly triggered by seeing infants or young kids just in diapers. I feel things in my body as if it were happening to me, but I see it from an outside perspective, as if I were the one doing it. None of the physical sensations go along with being the one doing things, but all the visuals are of that… 

Super disturbing.

Really want to talk to someone about it, but Dr C is still away till Monday. Gonna have to sit with it till then, unless I text her, but I don’t really want to interrupt her week away…


I never realized how depressed I was…

…until I tried fetzima and I could suddenly function again. I wish it had worked out better. Maybe one of the other two will work w/o such crappy side effects?

Seriously though, for the first time in a long time, I could get out and do things without extending a huge amount of emotional effort. I was so used to having to drag myself kicking and screaming to things that it felt normal. Sure, the med made me a bit hypomanic, but before that point… it was nice to be able to move off the couch, and be more social without dreading it. The anti-anxiety aspects helped also… too bad it started making me a bit psychotic.

I’ll have to talk to the nurse about something less intense (though I was only on the lowest dose, and for longer than they generally suggest).

Wtf with all these meds making me impulsive and suicidal? Can’t I just get the anti-anxiety & anti-depressant effects without all the added junk?

I miss functioning like a normal human being…


It was worth a shot…

I started hallucinating this morning. I’m guessing it was the meds, since hallucinations aren’t a normal thing for me… it was quite disturbing; black holes were opening up around me, and everything got distorted. The worst was the first one. It came up in front of me while I was driving to work. It took me a few to figure out what happened, and I slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of me once I realized it hadn’t just disappeared. 

Needless to say, the other side effects adding up with the hallucinations is enough for me to call it quits on this med. It was worth a shot, but it’s clearly not something my body can handle. 

I text the nurse this am, ultimately telling her I was stopping the med. She’s ok with that. I might try one of the other two next time I see her, but I’m not convinced it’s worth it… I guess we’ll see after we talk in person.