Hi there.

Sorry I’m so sporadic these days.

I guess depression is hitting a bit hard (though I struggle to see it as depression…). Dr C called it that (the tiredness, the lack of desire to do anything much, the intense draining from any social interaction…).

Been also dealing with some physical stuff, which I’m sure is a manifestation of whatever it is I’m not processing at the moment (Dr C says grief and emotions related to everything that happened in 2017)… she tried to go there a bit more today, but my brain is like a sieve, or a dry-erase board. I try to think about it or talk about it or art about it, but then everything goes blank. There’s a lot of brain fog going on… There’s also been a weird tingling/numbness in my face when I wake up. It has taken much of the day to lessen these past few days. I’m also super exhausted. I wake up only to fall back asleep after 30 minutes or so of being awake. It’s that dizzy-tired that I’ve gotten in the part when I was awake for 30 hours straight, only I haven’t been. I’ve napped more in the past 3 days than I have all year. My muscles still ache, and they still tire faster than I’m used to. Vertigo comes back in waves. I have trouble concentrating. Sometimes it makes driving difficult, especially when I find myself tired and in a fog (I probably should have had my friend drive home groom the beach on Friday, but I wasn’t aware enough at the time, and she didn’t mention it… thinking back, I was pretty close to driving off the road a few times; I wish she had said something, or been more insistent if she did).

I was telling Dr C that I would go to the doctor for this if 1) I had some hope of validation, but I’m pretty sore they will tell me everything comes back “normal”; and 2) I didn’t already owe almost $800 in medical bills from the last round of visits back in March… in pretty sure they will tell me they can’t see me until it’s paid…

I’ve been nauseas too lately, but the pot helps. I’m not looking forward to the cost of re-upping my licence in September, but it’s such a helpful med.

I feel like I’ve done nothing but complain about baseless physical symptoms for the better part of this year… and looking back at social media, the shortness of breath, muscle she’s, and tiredness started at last 2 years ago (maybe more).

I really wish there was some sort of validation for all this. I feel like I’m making it all up for some unknown reason since all the testing comes back normal… I resonated with the Netflix movie Brain On Fire when the girl kept going to the doctor, and all her tests kept coming back ok. At one point, they were going to move her to a psych hospital because all the testing showed normal functioning, but her family insisted the doctors keep looking for an answer (she was incapacitated by that point, totally catatonic and unable to communicate). One doctor finally tried something, and they figured out she had an autoimmune thing. That was after 2 months of being catatonic… I don’t want to go through anything even remotely like that (my symptoms are different from her’s, but with any equally undetectable source)… it’s kinda scary to think about.

I know part of it is likely at least exacerbated by the unresolved psychological stuff, but I hesitate to say it’s 100% that…

I dunno.

Anyway, that’s part of why I’ve been quiet; I spend a bunch of time sleeping or zoning. It’s also difficult to string cohesive thoughts together sometimes. I start to write, then I forget what it was I was going to say (autocorrect doesn’t help either. I’ll go back and try to proof it another day, only to be totally stumped by what autocorrect substitutes).

I guess I should go to bed. My head feels like it might explode… the new a/c doesn’t have a thermostat, so it just keeps running, which really dries out the air, and makes my sinuses feel liner I’m battling an infection, though there’s no congestion. At last if i go to bed, I can hide under my pillow… it’s alto more humid in there b/c of the reptiles (yes, we sleep in the same room as the snakes & lizards)…

Anyway, yeah. Sorry for the pointless post. Hope to be back reading and writing more regularly sometime soon.

Pieces, Ang.

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I guess whatever was stirred up last week, and later in session, is picking at other things outside of my awareness. I’ve been really cranky and short lately.

I had mentioned to Dr C that I could fill days talking about the stuff that comes up when we start to tackle the past. There’s no real feasible way to do that in person though (even in intensive settings, both the clinician and the client need time away from the heaviness). She suggested writing… I’m not a huge fan of physical books, as they are easy for anyone to pick up and read. We tossed around some ideas, and eventually settled on a mutually accessible file.

I voiced some reservations around it, mostly stemming from my experiences with both D and De around written communication. She was able to both hear my concerns, and address them in a way that made trying this again something I’m willing to do.

Anyway, I’ve not written much of anything yet, but the concept is ruffeling my internal feathers. Between my fears of it going sideways again, and worries about what might come up, I’m on edge. There’s still a lot of resistance to the concept, but there’s also a hope of moving forward too.

I dunno. We’ll see where it takes us.

In the mean time, I’m working on balancing myself and being aware of my reactions…

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weird moment

A friend I don’t see often came over yesterday. We chatted and hung out. She was over for a few hours. We ate, caught up, then she left.

As L and I were picking up afterwards, I had the weirdest experience. It suddenly felt like I was rushing back from somewhere. The thought “oh! I missed her…” echoed in my head; not missing her like I wish we did it more often (though I do), but getting there too late to have had a chance to sit with her… I knew she had been there, but I wasn’t present for it, except that I had been there… it was like part of me that really wanted to see her didn’t get home in time.

Dissociation and compartmentalization is such a weird experience.


I feel like I’m watching the start of last year happen all over again, but this time to my cousin… her dog died quite suddenly earlier this year; her dad has been in the hospital for the better part of two months now, and he’s just been getting worse… I’m really hoping he pulls through…

I feel weird having so much emotion over this. We didn’t really have contact with them growing up (mostly because of my dad’s behavior and attitude and controlling ways). Add to that my dissociation, and I struggle to find much reason for connection… but it’s there. I feel more connected to my uncle (whom I’ve met maybe a handful of times) than to my dad…

I’m worried about him & my aunt & my cousins, and my mom. I want him to pull through, but it doesn’t sound good right now…

Can you send some positive healing vibes out into the universe for him? He could really use it…

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jumbled, confusing, pre-verbal stuff

Some days, the sensations in my body make me want to rip my insides up so I could stop feeling them.

We talked a bit about memories and sensations and interpreting pre-verbal stuff. She said that sometimes the pre-verbal is all a jumbled mess, and sometimes it’s interpreted by what we can later connect to it, even if its not accurate to the moment.

I told her sometimes it feels like I’m one of those plastic dolls whose legs pop off if you twist them back enough… I know it can’t possibly be an accurate memory because I have both my legs still. She pointed out that it may have simply felt as if my legs would rip off, but I had no other reference for it at the time, so my brain made the connection to those toys, and kept it because it’s the “best explanation”…

We also talked about how there’s still this internal pressure/compulsion to talk about some of the flashbacks sometimes, but it tends to get caught up when I walk in to her building. I no longer have words for it, and the connection to it leaves, so I struggle to bring it up… We talked around that for a bit, and got a tiny bit in one direction, but then time was up.

Some days I wish I could bring her home with me in my pocket so I could pull her out and talk when the strong drive was present… it only still feels ok to talk when it’s almost impossible to do so. I guess there’s a measure of safety in the impossibility of it.


Endings suck…

…Even stupid, meaningless ones that shouldn’t suck as much as they do.

Like tv shows that let you escape yourself.

And fictional characters dying.

Because they tug at the old hurt of all the losses that came before, and were actually meaningful…

It compounds when more than one loss is piled on at the same time. Then suddenly everything else comes flooding back, and it sucks…

The stupid, meaningless losses take on all the hurt and emptiness the previous ones left you with…

At least Lucifer wrapped up the series well, almost as if they were planning on ending it this season. They could take it further, but this is a good stopping point. They gave is the closures we needed to be able to walk away from the show satisfied.

Scorpion, not so neatly wrapped…

Totally left without closure; Chris passing away Monday. She had gotten through so many health issues over the years, ones that were true miracles she recovered as well as she did… I guess her body finally gave out. I’m not even sure if it was the cardiac issues, the kidney issues, the cancer, or something else that finally took her. Before this week, she had beaten cancer, recovered from kidney failure, and was recovering from bypass surgery… she and L were friends for a quarter century (give or take a year or two). I had only met her after I stated dating L, but she was an amazing person. She is greatly missed.

… Then the older stuff picks up; L’s dad, Chow, ButtButt, K & T, Floppers, Twigs, Tigger, Dizzy, Sugar Cane, Almond Joy… De, Chrispy, LKB… All the endings that were sudden, painful, and unresolved.

It all gets rolled into a giant ball that feels choking and overwhelming.

This time of year seems to hold a disproportionate amount of those losses…

And then there’s July 7th (the anniversary of K’s death, and almost 14 years later, my first suicide attempt… there were only ever 2 thought-out attempts where it was a conscious choice. Anything else resembling one was an impulsive, desperate attempt to find some peace, but not necessarily an attempt at ending my life… I blame it on the meds. I’ve never done anything like that when I wasn’t spiraling out of control on psych meds. Even when I was ridiculously depressed, I never gave in to the impulse when not on psychotropics. They work wonders for some people, but I am not one of them)…

Back to the original point of this post: grief sucks. Losses suck. Especially when the biggest, earliest ones were never resolved…


More on feeling defective…

Despite all my labwork that insists I’m ridiculously normal, my brain certainly doesn’t feel it.

I went to physical therapy today because I tweaked my back a few weeks ago, and my range of motion since then has sucked. Specifically, I have trouble lifting my left leg over the dog gate. I go over with my right, and kinda just drag my left over after me…

Anyway, I remembered why it was I failed so miserably at pt last round; it sparks intrusive memories I’d rather not have.

I’m supposed to go back on Monday, but I think I will cancel.

Even if it doesn’t trigger full-on flashbacks, it does trigger anxiety and dissociation. The longer the pt goes on, the worse it all gets, and soon I can’t remember what we did, and what I’m supposed to do between sessions. It’s a waste of time and resources that I know could be used by others (they book 2 weeks out on a good week)…

So, yeah. I’m going to cancel. I’ll do the exercises she gave me today, then try to remember to start planking to help build my core strength up again.

And maybe I’ll mention it to Dr C, and we can work more on the body stuff so maybe if I ever need pt again for my back I’ll be able to follow through…