changing attitudes

I’m realizing this year that the things I care about are changing (somewhat dramatically). The basics are the same, but some of the “clutter” is taking its leave. The last 12 months have helped with that process.

  • I care about the lives and happiness of those in my life, but I really don’t care about what people think of me.
  • I care about enjoying what I do, not so much pulling in a check (though bigger checks would definitely be a huge help, especially lately).

I’m trying to minimize my stress. The things that increase my stress are falling further and further to the wayside… It might be the depression talking, but for once, it’s not the anxiety… I just don’t care about the stupid stuff anymore.

I don’t care about drama, and busting my butt for things that cause more stress than joy. I miss working with people I care about. I miss having friends at work, and a place that values quality over the bottom line. I’m tired of going to work and knowing that 9/10 times I’ll be the only staff in with a group of over 20 dogs, a handful of whom shouldn’t be in an unstructured group setting… I’ve learned I care about the dogs I work with, but not about the job itself… it’s time to move on. This place will never be the smaller center, nor will it be like it was under the previous manager. The new guy is definitely very “corporate”, and that’s just not my style. The bottom line should never be more important than the animals we care for…

It might finally be time to take a deep breath, and find another job. It was made more clear when I realized I might be written up for missing a mandatory staff meeting last week, and it didn’t phase me at all.

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Re: the draw of tech

I only ever really think about this when I’m head-on to it, but technology can be quite ensnaring.
My phone is having serious issues (the power button doesn’t function, the battery drains really fast, and it’s glitchy)… I’m so lost without it.
It’s my alarm, my connection to the outside world, my calendar, my photo album, my radio, my entertainment…
I know I’ve only lived with cell tech about half my life, and only this dependant on it in the last 5 years or so,but… damn! I’m so reliant on it.
Needless to say, I’m headed to the carrier’s store after work to see if they can either fix it, or I can pick up a new one… we really don’t have money for a new one, but if they can’t fix it, I need something…


Depression

Depression hit hard, out of seemingly nowhere… something switched around 3pm Wednesday, and its been getting more intense since :/


Medical marijuana

I don’t understand why marijuana is still mostly illegal in the U.S… (well, ok. I can probably tease it out: cash flow, and maintaining the power structure).

Anyway, I’ve been exploring the wonders of the herb in dealing with chronic pain and ptsd (legally, in my home state). It’s pretty useful for so many things. It’s quelling my anxiety. It’s dulling the pain. It keeps flashbacks from breaking through. It stops overwhelming flashbacks in their tracks. It’s lifting my depression. It’s allowing me to get quality sleep at night, even if I have to get up to take the dogs out in the middle of the night… 

And my only side effects so far? Uncontrollable laughter if I take too much (I’m still figuring out the best dosing), slight paranoia (again, if I take too much), some flakiness (isn’t that the same with most psych drugs?), and relaxation. Hmm… such shitty side effects (<– sarcasm, in case you were wondering).

I was hoping it was going to allow me an easier time in talking freely with Dr C about some of the ickier past things, but the remaining effects from the previous night didn’t allow for enough dis-inhibition… I was able to bring up that I wanted to talk about it, and that I wasn’t sure what part of it I needed to talk about, but I still had trouble actually translating what the kid wanted to tell her… we tried something different around it, and it might have worked had session not been over… 

Oh, the pot also dulls the effects of triggers… there was a scene in Nashville that would have normally been very triggering (Juliet recovers some sexual abuse memories). I was able to listen to it,  and all it pulled up was a vague recognition that something along those lines occurred in my history. There was no overwhelming flashbacks, no unbearable physical sensations… I’d say that’s a huge win. 

Hopefully, I’ll get to a point where I can integrate the crap that hits me at times… maybe I’ll even be able to return to “functioning human being” eventually. That would be nice. 

Here’s to hoping out government continues to move towards legalizing marijuana at the federal level. 


Worn out…

My tolerance for stress is shrinking by the moment. 

I found out I’m only scheduled to work customer service this week, and all I want to do is hide and cry. I’m struggling with the thought of simply calling out for my shifts… 

I used to be able to do at least one CSR shift a week. Now I panic if they schedule me for anything at all. It’s easier to work with the dogs; less emotionally demanding, and they help me balance throughout the shift. There’s none of that doing customer service… 😦

Trying hard to balance and not crumble into a sobbing mess. I really need to work up the courage to ask not to be scheduled for csr, even if the only reason I give them is the stress of L’s treatment.


It feels weird; like part of me is still living back in the space that had me hospitalized so often. I get these little glimpses of remembering being in the hospital, and it feels so real in that flash of a moment. The other times, it feels like I’m living in both times at once, only I’m separated from the past by this frosted window. I know the gist of what’s happening, and i can kinda feel it, but it’s distant and away at the same time. It’s almost like knowing and faintly hearing someone watch a movie in the next room; i can hear it, i know the movie enough to mostly know what’s happening moment to moment, but it’s still something I’m not directly experiencing in the moment. The flashes of memory are like walking through the room for a moment and catching parts of it as I pass the tv. I’m not totally paying attention, but I notice it…

Yeah… kinda like that…

I’ve been remembering the various hospitalizations since Wednesday when Dr C brought up the drawing I left with her a few weeks ago… it’s not all restricted to the content of the drawing; its just all of the experiences mashed together. It’s not linear. It doesn’t really make linear sense, but it’s all memories of those times…

L had an unusually late chemo today, and there were a few times i really had to work to ground myself. I kept panicking that i was there because i was locked up, not because i was supporting L through chemo… being the only ones in the room, and it having gotten dark intensified the fears. 

Psych hospitalizations are really dehumanizing. It didn’t matter that you likely already feel like crap; the process and experience make it all that much worse… 

I dunno… 

I hate when all of this comes up when i can’t actually process it for several days. I don’t know what to do with it. It pulls me in, even when i don’t want it to. I know I’ve been distant and spacey a lot today. I’ve been having a lot of trouble seperation from the memories. My brain is living in both times at once, and it’s distracting (even if i feel like I’m mostly in the present, it’s difficult to concentrate when the past is so “there” but indecipherable…).

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Vertigo sucks.

…but i think I’ve mentioned that before. 

Everything is slowly spinning backwards and to the right. 

I’ve tried one “fix” for it (half-somersault by Dr Carol Foster), and it helped a bit for a few minutes, but now the merry-go-round has picked up again. I need to try the Epley Maneuver, just have to find the video so i remember how to do it… this one is a bit dry, but concise enough for my attention span. 

There’s several other videos on YouTube, as well as some precautionary stuff (like make sure it’s benign positional orthostatic vertigo (bpov) before writing it off and trying a home fix.  I’m pretty sure mine is,  as I’ve had multiple scans done when it first occurred, and nothing abnormal was found. Just make sure to check with a doctor if this is the first time you’ve experienced it, or if you’ve never had further testing done to rule out other, nastier stuff. Also check with your doc if it’s happening more frequently or severely than it has previously.

I really hope this resolves before the week’s activities need to happen. L caught whatever it was I had this past week, so if I’m too dizzy to drive, nothing will get done, including doctor’s appointments (and laundry, which has taken a huge hit since L stated her treatment)…