Monthly Archives: November 2015

Where can I find that song?

Anyone know where to find a recording of square one by miriam jones and jeff toyne? It’s in the movie about J.K. Rowling… even just the lyrics would be ok. It caught my attention in the movie, but I want to know what the whole thing sounds like, or what it says…

Thanks.

Also, that stupid movie made my eyes leak at least 3 seperate times (if not more)… stupid relatable movie… pulling on heat strings and buried emotions. Grr…

It really was a good movie. I should have expected the leaking as it was a lifetime movie… stupid lifetime. 😛

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My own little black rain cloud…

I’m realizing again and again what a strangle-hold my depression has on me. My motivation is dampened. Nothing excites or interests me. I just want to cry, hide, and cut.

I’ve been battling growing self-harm desires for the past 2 weeks. The distraction and putting it off is wearing me thin. I’m running out of ideas on useful distractions. It’s feeling again as if giving in will be my only relief… I know Dr C says we need to get at whatever is triggering the desire, but I can’t pinpoint it. Other than the depression (which is coming with a “fun” dose of insomnia), I’m not aware of anything. I know there has to be something there (because the desire to cut mimics body memories),but I don’t know what it is…

I see Dr C Monday. Just have to get through the weekend and maybe she can help me find some relief.

I feel like I need to cry, but again, no real reason (and the tears refuse to materialize without sufficient reason).

The wife is also struggling right now. Between work stress, lack of meaningful down-time, and feelings of worthlessness, she’s got a whole ton to be stressed about… I wish I could help support her better. I wish I could find something to help ease her pain :/

Also my concentration sucks. I started this 3 hours ago, but I keep getting distracted… guess it’s time to call it the end of the entry. Sorry if there was a point I hinted at but didn’t reach…


Happy Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving to all who celebrate today.

I’m thankful for all the love in my life ❤


Shared from WordPress

A Letter to My Daughter — From Your Trauma-Recovering Momma. – http://wp.me/p2ohnp-3h4


it’s hard to admit…

why is an abuse history so hard to admit? the shame should not belong to me. it was not something I did to someone else. it was done to me, so why is it still hard to say “this happened to me”?

a few co-workers and I were commiserating on insurance quality when I was asked where I get mine. I was able to admit being on disability for ptsd, but when asked what it was from, I couldn’t utter the words… I said “other stuff” (I was asked if I had served, since this is still the first thing people think of when ptsd is mentioned)… they didn’t ask for more details. I wouldn’t have been able to give any even if they had.

at the dentist the other night, I couldn’t check the box that would have disclosed my ptsd diagnosis to them… granted, the office tends to be pretty inappropriate in their banter around patients, so I have reason to hold back, but still. I doubt I would have disclosed even if I didn’t know they talked about their patients freely in front of other patients. it feels like a character flaw. it feels like something that deserves the shame it carries…

stigma, ignorance, judgement… our society oozes it. compassion and understanding are severely lacking on all fronts (see the articles about Charlie Sheen being forced to disclose his HIV+ status because a tabloid believed the public had a right to know his private medical information, or any of the stories on the plight of Syrian refugees). it feels like more and more people I used to peg as understanding are spewing their judgement at every turn… ignorance and hatred are running rampant. it makes me sad, and it fuels the fear that keeps me from admitting my own struggles to the people in my life.


It was someone else

I never actually was successful. That was another life, another person. That was not me…

I’m this broken thing that may look whole at times, but inevitably crumble and show her brokenness. Like the travel clones in Dark Matter, the whole person before you will eventually crumble to dust because clones have a finite lifespan…

I so wished that I didn’t believe this, but my best efforts at countering that belief are met with more proof of how wrong I am to think I’ll ever have a successful career. I fumble every opportunity…

(This may all be sleep deprovation and cold medication talking though…)


Figured out I’m not actually sleeping well

For the past week or two, i’ve been extremely tired. I thought I’d been sleeping all night for the most part. I realized tonight how wrong I am. I’m constantly waking up. Either the little dog barks, or my back hurts from 4 months of nights on the couch, or louder-than-usual traffic passes us by… tonight I counted waking at least 5 times during the 7 hours I tried to sleep. I think the worst one is the dogs all barking when the neighbor’s dog barrels down the stairs to go outside between 4-5a.m. I can’t seem to fall back asleep after that one…

We are supposed to get a mattress this month. I can hardly wait. It will take some getting used to in order to be able to sleep comfortably in the bedroom, but I’m so excited to try.

Maybe tonight I can utilize some benadryl to help me get more rest.