ok, so I’m calling it a flashback because it came in super-intense, lasted a few seconds (though felt like forever), then completely faded leaving a hollow echo…
so yeah, had my weirdest flashback yet; I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought/urge/almost action to kill myself. Specifically, it very much echoed my first (and most serious deliberate) attempt.
I am not currently suicidal. I have not felt that way in quite a while, except for around 5:20pm tonight. It came out of nowhere, hit hard, and dissolved into nothingness. I was aware of it as something that “didn’t fit” with the rest of my current reality. I had a quick dialogue with myself in the background of the overwhelming feelings. I was aware that I was having a dialogue and that this other overwhelmingness was playing over that.
It took me a while to label it as a flashback though.
I knew it was “wrong” in intensity for my general mood lately. I knew it came on very hard and seemingly un-provoked, but I didn’t identify it as that first attempt until finally talking it through with a crisis chat (everyone else I would have contacted or tried to contact to talk it through was unavailable). In the back of my head, I’ve been wondering if today was the true anniversary of that first attempt because I saw a fb “memory” that hinted at it. The time of day would have been about right for that attempt. The line of thinking that was intruding would have also been accurate for that attempt… and it completely left as fast as it came on, so I’m gonna call it a flashback.
That was super-disturbing. I wonder what part of me was scared so much by something to throw that out at me for the first time in a long time? And I kinda wonder if all those times I was dealing with “impulsiveness” was really just a flashback that I couldn’t label as one yet. I did manage to traumatize myself pretty badly (and many others) with that attempt. I distinctly remember being terrified of doing it, but also feeling like I had no choice anymore because I had made the decision within myself, and needed to honor that decision… I kinda bullied myself into it right before; I was both the abuser and the one being abused…
Anyway, so… yeah. Weirdest flashback yet, but really glad I was able to identify it as one. Now, back to the general “meh” feeling of having my emotions jumbled due to hormonal fluctuations.
All that panic I talked about during that call (and felt even this morning) is being over-shadowed by the excitement of seeing L again in a few short hours. I’m beaming inside. I really want to leave you a message to that effect, so you aren’t left with the impression that I’m such a mess all the time…
Thank you for reminding me to power through, for reminding me that things will be getting better and lighter, for being there when all I could see was this wall of panic and darkness. Thank you for helping me turn on that light
I really wish I could bring you with me to Dr. C to help me catch her up on things (and maybe to hold on to you a bit longer)… but it would require a bit of travel on your part, to a place that really isn’t interesting at all, lol.
Ok, gonna try to concentrate on maybe packing or something to help pass the time. I almost want to just go chill at the airport for the next 2.5 hours because I can’t seem to pay attention to anything right now. I’m way too excited to finally be seeing her again
Thanks again for all your help and support. I know I’m not the easiest nut to crack, but we were getting there. Sorry I fell apart on you towards the end. Stress and I don’t mix well (though I have to admit I did WAY better this time around than I have in the past. Dr. C would be able to attest to that)…
Now you are seeing the hopeless mess that I can become. I don’t like that you will remember me this way. I don’t like that we are ending on this note. I’d prefer you to think of me as someone who can figure shit out and make it in life (coz someone needs to believe that about me. I certainly don’t)…
I’ve put up walls b/c I need you to be a stranger right now. I need to be able to leave without feeling completely crushed about all the losses. It’s not just you I have walls up around. It’s the house, and the state, and mom, and the dog and cats, and art time with my friend, & everything… I’m only going to allow myself to miss the beach. That is all. Everything else is too raw and too painful.
I still want to ask if it would be ok if I called you once I’m settled again… I was going to ask if I could call you on the anniversary day, but it will end up being the day we leave. I will need to concentrate on driving and hanging with the wife… I hope she knows she will have to do the first leg of the journey, the one that gets us out of the driveway and away from this neighborhood. I’m not sure how to say goodbye to all this…
Maybe the IOP will work out? I’m not getting my hopes up, because I don’t have faith in them billing for copays, but at least I can go to the intake without having to pay anything that day. Then we can go from there. The little kid in me wants to keep seeing you as much as I can before I go, but the other part of me sees the heaviness of the depression and knows I would be better off with more support…
I really have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I will come out the other side. I always do.
Please don’t actually hate me, just maybe let me think you do for the moment.
I apologize in advance for the mountain of writing I will be taking in tomorrow.
I know it’s way too much to cover in one hour, but… parts of all of it kinda relate to each other, and it’s all stuff I need to address.