Monthly Archives: March 2013

Leibster Award

so, I got this comment when I logged in today for the first time in a few weeks:

Hello
I nominate YOU for the Liebster Award! Congratulations!

It means I enjoy reading your blog and you have under 200 followers and someone nominated me so I’m paying it forward! So now the request is that you do the same – answer the following 11 questions, nominate 11 (I only had 8) blogs under 200 followers you like, and relish in the glow of the liebster.

And the questions tor the nominees are:

What color makes you feel calm?

Do you peel an orange or slice it?

Forest or Ocean?

What is a good book?

What profession would you try if you knew you would succeed?

What do you like on a hotdog?

What word do you love?

What word do you not love?

Do you think the world is ending?

Do you believe in a higher power and if so what name do you use?

What is your favorite way to do charity?

wow.  thank you motheroutlaw!  I’m very appreciative.  I will have to go about and find the blogs that fit the nomination, then do the same (though not tonight)

and now for my answers:

What color makes you feel calm?

blue, black, green, or grey

Do you peel an orange or slice it?

peel it and steep the rinds

Forest or Ocean?

both

What is a good book?

one that engages me and teaches me at the same time… one that I get lost in. one that speaks to me in some way.

What profession would you try if you knew you would succeed?

another helping profession… but with animals this time around

What do you like on a hotdog?

absolutely nothing, I’m veggie.

What word do you love?

I’m not sure… I don’t really feel strongly positive about any word at the moment.

What word do you not love?

There are phrases and concepts, but not really stand-alone words

Do you think the world is ending?

Everything comes to an end eventually, so yes, eventually the world is ending, and there is nothing I can do to stop that…

Do you believe in a higher power and if so what name do you use?

no, just a universal connection and energy

What is your favorite way to do charity?

one-on-one and with animals


sick with a cold, but at least not thinking

I don’t think I could handle being so laid up in bed and still thinking…
Luckily(?!) my symptoms require the use of fun-inducing cold medicines which help me off into la-la land day and night.


Something snapped…

…and I got stuck on the wrong side of crazy.

I’ve been having a really rough time these last few weeks, and yesterday was better, until I went to therapy, and opened a can of worms I could not re-capture… I told him more than I had intended, and it triggered a chain reaction of emotions that I don’ really know how to deal with… I stopped in the middle of my processing, because we were out of time, and I wasn’t able to put everything back away… so it spilled over into the car ride home, and I vented to my wife, with a whole lot of honesty that I know scared her… and it continued on once at home, and I vented to my mom too… and it was all too much, too overwhelming… It triggered a whole lot of self-destructive urges, and I’m having trouble containing those also. I’m doing it, but I feel like that stereotypical daffy-duck version of going crazy is just a breath away… I can’t sit still. The anxiety is rising higher, and I wonder if it would not be beneficial for me to call someone to talk to, even if it just means being reminded of what I need to do to get through all this. I’m afraid of this feeling. I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable and it makes my skin crawl…

I don’t want to wind up in the hospital, so I need to work to keep this from over-taking me. I need to just notice (good little dbt student that I have been in the past should know how to do this)… My chest is tight and skipping. My asthma is making it difficult to breathe, but so is the anxiety. My brain feels like it is doing a million things at once to keep distracted from the desire to obliterate myself. It’s just a feeling though; they are just thoughts. I do not have to act on them. The urges can come, but I can sit through it and come out on the other side.

I wish I could cry… I Wish I could express myself in normal and healthful ways… Why is it so hard to get through all this? why can I be perfectly rational in one moment, and perfectly irrational the next? I know my music helps ground me, so I will keep using that. We get to go shopping for a few things tonight, so I hope that helps. Maybe a lot of this anxiety is coming from knowing that we are getting a bit of money to help, but that it our last resource to turn to… If I don’t find a job soon, we are really screwed… but my bouts of depression and “daffy-duck crazy” make it hard to do that effectively right now… ugh…


New developments

So,  it seems that I have developed panic attacks in the last 2 weeks… I was just out shopping at Wal-Mart and i had to get out.  I couldn’t be there any longer.  So now I’m in the car waiting for my mom and wife.  Wtf? I don’t need anything else on top of all this other stuff…


How do you keep it going?

I wake up in a reasonable mood,  able to get out of bed and function for a short while… but then my mood starts to drop and i get so down… what’s the secret to maintaining that good start? No matter what i think about,  or how hard i try to push the depression away,  or how i try to work with it, it always seems to get worse.  I don’t feel like there is any way to win. I get so tired trying to fight through the day…


I don’t know what’s worse

I’m either plagued by the ptsd symptoms,  or obsessing about cutting,  or wishing I was dead.  I don’t know which demon is easier to do hand-to-hand combat with… and they do not let up.  One takes over for the other almost seamlessly.  I get no break,  no breathing room… I have no time to figure out how to tackle one while the others tap out… my chest is thick and heavy.

Tonight,  the slightest louder noise makes my heart and body jump.  My mom is her usual angry self,  and i find myself frantically trying to appease her next outburst.  She’s nowhere near as bad as my dad was,  but the reaction is the same from me right now.  Everything is shaking inside.  I’m terrified of pissing her off,  but i can’t do anything about the tv pissing her off,  and that is her target at the moment.  She grunts and yells about it not working as it should,  and my heart won’t slow down. I’m nauseous and anxious and (for the first time in the last few years) dying to self-harm at the same time.  Only I want to hurt myself to make the anxiety and flight/fear response recede…  it hasn’t come with the ptsd responses at the same time in a long time.  Part of me thinks I can handle the self injury urges better than this fear.   If I cut,  then the ptsd would take a back burner maybe?

I know that’s not a good idea though,  so maybe i will just take an ativan and hope it calms my racing heart… I definitely need to bring this all up to D tomorrow.  Too many things are colliding in on me at once…


A day in another realm

It’s amazing what a day of distraction will bring you… 8 hours volunteering quickly followed by 5 episodes of Once Upon A Time… does a brain good.  Still have a headache and the thoughts still come through,  but not as bad as they have been all week.  My chest is still broken cement… when does it go away for good?  The easing of the financial burden alleviates it for the time being,  but as soon as finances fall again, I’m right there with it plummeting to the basement from the 16 th floor…