Monthly Archives: February 2015

Music as a means of connecting

I finally looked up the lyrics to this song. I had first heard it several months ago, and really liked some of the words. Last night in the car, it came on my ipod, and I listened harder this time. Pretty much the whole song spoke to me…

Crash by Esthero

Crash down on the floor, hold your breath and fall apart.
You made a simple mistake and now you’re paying for it with your heart.
Some of us make our own beds, we can’t afford to lay in them.
Remember I always have said you should leave me alone.

‘cause I don’t wanna crash, now I’m afraid
That I’m going nowhere way too fast.
And I can’t hear what you say, I’m in a conversation with my past.
And maybe it wasn’t the brave so much as brazen but it got me through.
And somehow the path that I’ve paved just keeps leading me to you.

But I don’t wanna crash now,
Don’t wanna crash now.

I should have never been afraid to lay you down,
I just wanna hold you in my arms again.
If only for a moment I could have you here.
Lady, I would never let you go.

‘cause I don’t wanna crash now,
I don’t wanna crash now.

Come on in the sun,
When you’re scared, you can face it down.
‘cause here I am, you are not alone.

Keep facing the sun, you’ll reach it one day,
Blame it on the back ‘till you can watch with me
And you mean to be free.
And when the sun goes down, there’s still tomorrow,
Don’t you be afraid to let your sorrow breathe.
Your strength is all you need.

Did you ever know you were the one?
‘cause I can hardly even tell.

a day ahead

Ever since Thursday afternoon, I have felt like it should be a day ahead of what it actually is.

Today feels like it should be Sunday…

I’m not totally sure why this is. I’m on pins and needles for Tuesday because I will get money again. I think I feel trapped without any cash. If I had money, I could go to the beach, or hang with friends, or buy food I’ve been craving…

Finances are a huge contributor to my depression…

And if it were Tuesday, I could try again with TM and hopefully settle the misunderstandings I think are going on.

And I could go out to dinner with my friends… I miss having social contact.

RIP Leonard Nimoy :(

As a life-long geek and ST fan, I’m saddened by the news that Mr. Nimoy has passed away…

Check out this Little Things blog entry in honor of the life and work of an icon.

can’t get out of my own way again

Spent the session with TM pretty checked-out. I didn’t know how to ask for a reality check around what I interpreted as her being sad and tired today, so I didn’t bring up any of what I had intended to. She took that as disengaging in therapy and as me being more depressed and tired… to a degree she is correct, I am totally exhausted with everything on my plate. but I also don’t know how to bring my concerns to her right now. It felt safer for a while, but the last two sessions have not felt that way. I tried to tell her that there is stuff I want to bring to her to talk about during the week, but when actually faced with the prospect of talking about it, it’s suddenly very not safe to address anything. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the courage to admit that till the end of the session, so we didn’t talk more about it… I want to leave her a message, but I am afraid she will pick up the phone if I call while she’s still in the office for the day, so I will leave one tonight after she goes home.

I see her again on Tuesday (finally back to the original schedule), but I am very tempted to bow out of therapy for the time being. I don’t know how to make it feel safe in the time we have left…

I’m supposed to find some structure for myself between now and Tuesday. Dunno. I think I’m just stuck.


Aside of trying to remember to write or draw in session, think I’m going to show this to her. I did it tonight, in the sketch book vs the art journal (less pressure to have something put-together and presentable in this thing –> easier expression). Hoping this helps vs the huge wall of text I have going on in my journal to her…

There’s also a rough concept sketch from last week, but for whatever reason it didn’t feel like something I could show her. I didn’t even remember I had done it till just now looking into the art journal. I guess I need things to feel “finished” in there to remember doing them in the moment.

they are trying to make your head explode…

**WARNING: Whiney Rant**

So, I went looking into my Medicare options, as I become eligible in May… I swear, they are trying to make your head explode with it all so they don’t ever actually have to cover you.

To keep my prefered providers (ones I feel safe and comfortable with, and ones I am not willing to change), I have to pay an additional $200 on top of what they already take out… and then I have to pay $50-75 in copays per visit. If I could afford the $500/month for private-pay therapy, I would be doing it and not wasting the additional money on extra insurance… oh, and they don’t pay much for any meds or emergencies or preventative care… and if I want vision and dental, I have to pay MORE… But it’s a “Premium” plan (meaning I get to pay them a ton of money for the privilege of paying them more money when I go see my Dr. It doesn’t give me better coverage, they just want me to believe I’m getting a better deal while giving them half of my monthly income. The deductible is 10k?! seriously?? That leaves me what, 2k for the year? Thanks).

The providers I want to keep are covered by the insurance plans from “regular” insurance with these companies, but they are not covered by the Medicare versions from the same companies… Oh, and I need referrals for all mental health treatment to make sure it’s “medically necessary” though I am on disability for mental health reasons…

If I don’t sign up for one of these plans, I get a penalty (no additional drug coverage) and still have to get Part B. If I sign up for a plan, I have to pay through the nose for services I need and theoretically should be able to access because it’s for treatment related to my disability. And despite having found someone competent that I could actually possibly see for more than 4 months, I can’t access them as a provider because Medicare doesn’t like to give you freedom of choice. When provider comfort is imperative for effective treatment, not allowing choice without huge financial burden is just irresponsible.

Can I cry now?

am I reading into things?

How do you not take it personally when you reach out to “friends” and they just don’t respond? I know everyone gets distracted and has their own lives and whatnot, but… :sigh: Certain friends will respond, but there are others that seem to just ignore me. I try hard to keep my crap under wraps. I try to be polite and friendly and cordial unless you ask me genuinely how I am doing. So what am I doing wrong?

There are three people I have contacted lately that have simply ignored me. There’s no acknowledgement of the call (or text or message). I’m not going to break if you tell me you are busy or not in the mood to hang out. I understand both of those states of being. I’m ok with that, but at least please acknowledge that I tried to contact you… and don’t continually invite me to call to hang out if you don’t actually mean it. :/

today’s grounding activity: the beach (more pics added)

wpid-20150223_162516_024.jpgSo, in an effort not to sleep all day today, I dragged myself kicking and screaming to the beach (not really, but damn near close to kicking and screaming, because all I wanted to do was curl up in bed all day)… I plopped in the sand for a while, then decided to take a walk down south to try something different. I walked just over 5 miles total, and it was nice. The beach was mostly empty since those up north got screwed out of February vacation. I plugged my music in, rolled up my jeans (yes, I went to the beach in jeans…), and trucked it up and down the shore. I had wanted to go from pier to pier which would have given me an 8 mile round-trip, but I turned around just after 2.6 miles. My lungs were starting to hurt.

Along the way, I thought I passed De running with a friend. I couldn’t tell for sure, but it might have been her. The woman smiled, waved, and said hello to me. No one else on the beach did that, so I’m assuming she knew me or thought she knew me. It would have been easy for her to recognize me because I have a pretty distinctive and large dragon tattoo on my right leg… I know De is a runner, and at one point we had discussed her penchant for running on the beach at least a few times a week… I’m not sure if I really want to know whether or not it was actually her. On the one hand, it would have been nice to see her, on the other… ugh. transference city. So I stared at the sand as I walked past her a second time. I did turn to look afterwards, but the hair seemed too light in color… :shrugs: I dunno…

Anyway, the beach was fun (let’s ignore that every other step came with the thoughts: I wonder if there are sufficient rip currents today? If I wandered in fully clothed, could I drown myself? If I push myself hard enough on the beach, can I induce an asthma attack or cardiac issue that would mean my death? – coz let’s face it; I don’t think I’ll ever be free of those types of thoughts. As that Hyperbole & a Half panel states: It’s not that I want to necessarily *kill* myself, I just want to become dead somehow).  I then treated myself to ice cream. I had thought about sushi, but the place was more expensive than the $4 ice cream (or at least that is what I am going to tell myself. shhh….)

I watched the sunset while eating my ice cream, and I chatted with L through text. It was a nice change of pace; that “pattern interrupt” that TM was looking for. Thank you S.G. (of Girl in Therapy) for convincing me to go! ❤