More of the same

Today’s session was… I don’t even know.  I was all over the place.  She tried to get me to focus on things, but I kept jumping topics.

I wish I could learn to stop talking in metaphor. I think I would be able to communicate much better that way. But some stuff is just too scary to say outright, so I do the best I can with the words I can say. I was able to tell De what I had written last night: that I love my life but hate my head.  She tried to get me to figure out what it would be like to be out of my head. I think she might want to strangle me at times because I can’t figure things out.  I have no real idea what it would look like to not be stuck internally all the time.  I don’t know what it’s like not to have an escape plan at all times. I don’t know what it feels like without an underlying depression. I know D would say that I may not have felt that way in the past, but it’s not an indicator of the future. I was able to parrot that to De. I also told her that I’m not sure I believe it though.  We talked some about some CBT techniques, and tried to pinpoint what it would take to get me to start to change my thinking. I would start to tell her my experiences with various CBT ideas and then get distracted and talk about something else.  She tried her best to keep me on topic. She also mentioned a few times that to be able to get me out of my head, we will likely need to go deeper in first. Oh, I was also able to express my concerns over her idea of distraction being really good and a sign that I am doing ok. I told her about the stuff that always goes on in the background and how I’m able to function even while falling apart.  It was a survival skill back in the day.  Now it just serves to keep me from getting what I need because I look totally together from the outside. I think she knew what I meant when I said that.  She again underscored telling her if I needed the extra support. That’s when the speaking in metaphor screwed me up again. I’m on that edge where I could likely use the added support, but don’t desperately need it right now (though that could change over time). I wasn’t quite able to be direct about that.  I always worry about being too much and asking for too much. It keeps me from asking for anything most of the time. It also keeps me from accepting help when it’s offered. My mom said she would fill out the Medicaid application for me if I wanted her help.  The stubborn and independent part of me rejected the offer, though I have no motivation or energy to do it on my own.  I just don’t want to be more of a bother than I already am…

Anyway,  De and I also talked about the ever-present depression and suicidal ideation.  Well, I tried to explain it to her a bit, but again I got off topic pretty fast. We ended on the idea of trying art therapy next week.  She will try to get the room, but if it’s booked, we will just do regular stuff. I know I need a better way to express all this.  I’m hoping the art therapy prompts work…

The anxiety about falling asleep is back.  This time I’m worried that I will not be able to fall asleep (though I’m pretty tired right now, my brain is in over-drive), or I won’t sleep well, or I won’t be able to wake up in time. More likely, I will be really tired come morning and having to take the puppy out when L leaves for work just wakes me up. I manage to be unable to fall back asleep until about the time I have to wake up. It’s really frustrating.   Tonight I stayed up because I had to finish a photo book layout so we can order it tomorrow (the day the offer for getting it free expires). I just have to have L take a look at what I did and see if she likes it or wants to change anything.  Then we place the order. I really like the way they come out through shutterfly. The paper and printing is quality (unlike some others I’ve seen), and the software on their site is pretty easy to use. I’m excited to see how this book turns out.  The last one we got (last year for mothers day through a promotion Ellen was running) was awesome.  This one is shaping up to be really cool also. I have one other offer for a free book through Best Buy because of some recent purchases.  I think that one will be a wedding book that L and I put together.  We have one from a friend which is really cool, but this way we can put a story to it also.

Ok.  I should try to sleep now.  My brain is all over the place, but I think I can get it to slow down if I stop trying to write…

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