asking to slow things down & therapy coupons!

I was able to leave TL a message earlier today asking her if we could slow down a bit. I was able to express that I am really triggered and overwhelmed between sessions, and that it is making me question returning each week… :gulp!:

I am in the process of trying to come up with a new list of things to talk about for this week’s session. Closer to session time, I will leave her another message asking if she could help remind me to address the list (I forgot to ask her in the above message, and I don’t want to go over-board with the message thing just yet. I’m sure I will get there eventually, but for now I am exercising self-control)…

On another note, an online friend and I have agreed to exchange “therapy coupons”. They are aimed at helping make sessions go a bit easier, or at helping us address difficult things. I had sent mine out last week, and this week I got the ones my friend sent. I LOVE them!!!!

She made me: 1) An Ounce of Patience (lol, for when I will be trying TL’s last nerve!), 2) One moment of Inspiration (therapeutic or otherwise), 3) Courage for Two (that 20 seconds of insane courage to start on something difficult to address), 4) A Daring Intervention (accepting an unusual or uncomfortable intervention that TL may suggest, within reason), & 5) One Free Trespass (to help when talking about difficult, shameful, scary, embarrassing, hurtful, or otherwise “inaccessible” topics).

These are the ones I made her: 1) A Moment of Inspiration, 2) A Daring Intervention, 3) An Ounce of Patience, 4) Courage for Two.

Most of them are meant to be re-used multiple times (some have restrictions around use, but the user can modify that if they choose… though my friend disagrees on that point. I just don’t want to have to throw the ones I was given out because they are way too cool to be disposable). I’m definitely taking the ones I got in to show TL on Saturday.

the misunderstood shark

So, I had done the bg to this piece a few days ago. I didn’t know where to go with it, so I asked for ideas. Someone suggested a shark. I really liked the idea.

Originally, I wanted that stereotypical great white with its mouth open ready to chomp down. I thought it worked well as a metaphor for trauma and PTSD (lurking in the dark, ready to pounce as soon as you let your guard down, ready to leave you bloodied and fighting for your life…).  I couldn’t find a satisfactory reference photo though, so I picked a tamer-looking black tip reef shark.

I over-did the painting in trying to get it “just right”. I ended up with a worried shark who looks a bit deformed. At first I was disappointed that I lost the metaphor I was going for (no way anyone would think my pathetically worried shark was menacing in any way, shape, or form), but then someone asked about it, and another metaphor came to me: symptoms can seem like one thing, but end up being something else; they are misunderstood much like Mr. Worried Sharkey-pants. At first you see him thinking; “eek! a shark. run! help!” but then you look closer and you see the worry on his face. You notice the missing top rows of teeth, you see his fins are small and in the wrong spots… you catch on that he’s really just looking to figure things out, to get where he’s going. He’s not the scary monster the media makes him out to be… he’s just scared.

I’ve found more and more that my body memories are a lot like that. They start as one thing, they trigger that panic reaction. But if I sit with them, if I look at what they are presenting, I realize there’s more to it: The actual memories come up. They give me something to process in therapy. They allow me to work towards moving on… ok, yes, there’s still that freak-out and the fear. And the “moving on” part is incredibly difficult, but it happens. Take my last therapy session for example. It triggered something way deep. I freaked out. It qued up the neediness and the panic reactions. But it also allowed me to access some things that I had not consciously thought about yet. It brought to light some things that are slowly coalescing into memories. It’s releasing all that pent-up fear and hurt… So it’s not at all what I thought when I first felt the stirrings of a trigger. It’s giving me stuff to work on with TL (like I really needed more??)…

sales are my downfall…

So, my favorite art store is closing. I’m sad because they were my go-to for bargain supplies, but also for stuff I couldn’t find at Michael’s, A.C. Moore, or Jo-Anne’s. They catered to professional artists and art students… Anyway, they are having a huge liquidation sale, and I had to check it out.  I picked up some stuff I had been needing/wanting, and I didn’t spend all that much (yay!). Well, with all these new supplies, I had to play today.  I snagged some water-soluble wax crayons, some black markers for my recent art journal obsession (at $0.10 each, buying a few that might get tossed soon was a must), and that wax medium that keeps my acrylic painted journal pages from sticking together… I got a bunch of other stuff also, but these are what I used today. The result was me coloring in eyes I had drawn the other day, and also doing the opposite painted page.  I love song lyrics with meaning, so I decided to add some words from Taylor Swift’s Safe & Sound:

I remember tears streaming down your face/When I said, “I’ll never let you go”/When all those shadows almost killed your light/I remember you said, “Don’t leave me here alone”/…/Just close your eyes/The sun is going down/You’ll be alright/No one can hurt you now/Come morning light/You and I’ll be safe and sound…

I think it brought the two otherwise un-related pieces together (something that seems to be important in my art journaling… I really like 2-page spreads that make sense together. It’s just easier to express things that way). What do you think? Kinda work?

Art dump

This is stuff from the last 2 weeks or so. Most recent is first. I’ve been obsessed with spirals lately. And watercolors.  Tonight’s (Monday’s) is the bug-thing, which is a huge departure from my normal style. It started as an eye and grew from there.  The frog does not do the reference photo justice…

ink pen on mixed media paper

ink pen on mixed media paper

ink pen on mixed media paper

added definition to this one… watercolor and market on mixed media paper

this one kinda reminds me of The Giving Tree. watercolor on mixed media paper

I have a thing for spirals… watercolor on mixed media paper

more spirals. watercolor on mixed media paper

Dotty #14

whatever. watercolor on mixed media paper

watercolor on mixed media paper

watercolor on mixed media paper

this was supposed to be lips, but I messed it up. watercolor on mixed media paper

Valentine Cards. papercutting, chalk and acrylic paints

Valentine Cards. papercutting, chalk and acrylic paints

Grumpy Cat Tastes the Rainbow (it was aweful). perler beads