Category Archives: quotes

:sigh:

Had therapy again today.

We started right into the topic I had text her about last week (she led the conversation there almost as soon as I sat down…). I showed her the page that had been so triggering. We talked about it. For some reason, all I could feel was that she was disappointed in me, like I could do nothing right. I’m sure that wasn’t her intent or meaning, but my inner kid felt so dismissed…
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A few hours after I started writing this post, and I’ve since stumbled on an image that sums up the message of today’s therapy:

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Write the saddest story you can in 4 words…

I saw this on fb…

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“I loved you once…”

it can have so many endings:

…but then I remembered.

…and you betrayed me.

…then you used me.

…and I saw your true colors.

…you broke my heart.

…I still love you (and I don’t know why)…


Quote – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.


more quotes

“No matter how awful you think it is, I promise you, you are not alone.” – Criminal Minds, Derek Morgan

“There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept, things we don’t want to know, but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.” – Criminal Minds, JJ

“Yes, there are monsters and it’s okay to be afraid of them. It’s not okay to let them win and it’s not okay to be one.” – Criminal Minds, Derek Morgan

“There’s no winning. There’s just…living, moving forward. And, if you keep doing that, you’ll be all right.” – Criminal Minds, Rossi

“Family’s more than just DNA. It’s about people who care and take care of each other.” – NCIS, Gibbs

“I’ve seen bad turn good plenty of times. You just can’t lose faith.” – NCIS, Gibbs


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Healing Quotes Littles 567 – http://wp.me/ptHcr-7bC


Quote – strength

It doesn’t take a lot of strength to hang on, it takes a lot of strength to let go. – j.c. watts


quote – john kabat-zinn

“Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn


quote – lion king

“Ah yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.” – Rafiki, The Lion King


My attempt to express my stress… through Harry Potter Images ;)

I like these. Must try it myself next time…

Dearest Someone,

When times are tough, when times are dark, and when times aren’t at all fun I guess we draw upon the things that we hold closest to our heart in order to find something to hold onto. Photos of my family, photos of my friends, and knowing I have an amazing support system of incredible, fantastic people all give me something to grip onto tightly. They are my safety net, they are what I clasp when things are too tough, when I’m slipping away slowly and the depth and darkness of PTSD have got the better of me.

Because, at the end of the day I’m slowly starting to realise and accept that I have achieved incredible, surreal things. From speaking at the Houses of Parliament to holding on when things have reached there spikiest, toughest, most brutal, horrifiying (almost the end) moments. I am made of tough stuff, we…

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quote – on depression

depression isn’t not understanding that you have something you should live for; it’s knowing that you should feel differently, but it’s so bad that all you want to do is curl up and die… – Violet Turner, Private Practice – Love Bites (s3e14)


quote – never stop yourself from living

Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living. ―Alysha Spee


Mistaken

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Bad blood by Taylor Swift

“Band Aids don’t fix bullet holes cuz if you live like that you live with ghosts”

bad blood by Taylor Swift


rollercoaster

moves can be such an upheaval, even if they are wanted and happy…

I go through bouts of panic, or intense sadness, or both.

I want to hide and cry, but I am trying to pack…

I want to break things (but I don’t really, just feeling very broken inside)… so I purge things and pack the rest.

progress is happening. slow, but happening.

“in tomorrow’s light, things will look a lot less frightening” – Lily Kershaw, Maybe


quote – on the other side of pain…

“On the other side of pain, there is still love.” – Madeleine L’Engle


I wrote her a letter

I did not sleep much last night. I fell asleep around 3am, only to be awakened by cats breaking things at 5:30am. I went back to sleep around 6:30 after cleaning up all the broken glass, then was up again at 8… I was in no mood to pack boxes this a.m. I was going back and forth about leaving TM a message in hopes of expressing what I couldn’t yesterday. The thought of it made me feel too needy and clingy though.

Instead, I wrote her a letter. It’s not great, but it’s got more in it that I had wanted to express. I also made her a mini-award with one of the “endings” quotes she had printed out for me on the back… the unicorn is supposed to resemble the one in her office. It’s not quite right either, but I suddenly can’t remember what her’s looked like (except for the crazy hair).

Awesome Counselor AwardJohn Irving quote

 

 

:shrugz: I’ll send it out tomorrow after the little card is more fully dry… can’t think too much about the ending though, because my eyes will start leaking again.


When the lights go down

Tears keep spilling from my eyes. I can’t seem to get them under control.

When the lights go down and there’s nothing left to be
When the lights go down and truth is all you see
When you feel that hole inside your soul
And wonder what you’re made of
Well we all find out
When the lights go down
-Faith Hill

Been struggling with the slowing of the day for the past several days. When it gets quiet, the emotions hit. I’m tired, but I can’t seem to sleep till way late (or is it early?). I have weird dreams. I get exhausted during the day because of the crappy sleep. None of it helps my emotional experiencing.

Way too many changes. Way too much for one day to reasonably hold…


GREGORY AND THE HAWK –
“A Wish”

I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak
I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep…

And I guess it doesn’t matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after isn’t enough
And I swear I’m gonna cry
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough

And my blood won’t stick
To the confines of my veins
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away

And I wish to feel smaller under your hands
Though you seem satisfied
As you slip mine down your pants
And I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
As you lift up my shirt after asking politely

And I guess it doesn’t matter what I am or pretend to be
‘Cause it’s her you’ll always love and it’s her I’ll always envy
I want to end this now so dreams of you won’t keep me up
But I swear I’m gonna cry
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough

And my blood won’t stick
To the confines of my veins
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away

And it’s hard to find
What I want
When it’s buried beneath the biggest rock
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I’m not sure you’d cooperate
Not sure you’d come clean

And I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak
And I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep…

And I guess it doesn’t matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn’t enough
And I swear I’m gonna cry
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough

Yeah, I swear I’m gonna cry
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough

And my blood won’t stick
To the confines of my veins
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away

Is gonna tear mine away


Life round here – Ellie Goulding & Angel Haze

ELLIE GOULDING
“Life Round Here”
(feat. Angel Haze)

[Chorus: Ellie Goulding (x4)]
Part time love is the life round here
We’re never done
Everything feels like touchdown on a rainy day

[Verse 1: Ellie Goulding]
Now we’re at square one
And we wait too long
Til’ we’re at square one

[Chorus: Ellie Goulding (x2)]

[Verse 2: Angel Haze]
I wonder how you’d feel if you were lost in my mind
Since you barely understand my thoughts sometimes
Little bit of depth and a little bit of God
Cause I swear that I be livin’ in the dark sometimes
And it sets in here, nobody gets let in
‘Til I let my emotions out on every single page and instrumental I’m left with
Shit, I wonder, will I ever really feel shit?
And if it all takes time and I ask why, will time eventually reveal this?
Cause… the remedy, I’m searchin’ for the remedy
Cause I’m fucked up and my heart’s just another ghost of my memory
Knock real hard on real real wood
Things still feel bad when they real real good
And my brain just a vessel and the knowledge suppose to heal
But the more you fuckin’ know, less things feel real
Less things feel real, and the time shifts
And my mind shifts and ain’t really anyone or anything I can really vibe with
Cause… I’m searchin’, but I’m terrified
And by the time I find what I’m lookin’ for, I’ll be dead inside

[Outro: Angel Haze (Ellie Goulding)]
Cause part time love is the life round here
We’re never done
(We’re never done)


quote – john irving

Your memory is a monster; you forget – it doesn’t. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you – and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you! – John Irving


thoughts and ramblings… (apologies for this wall of text)

I had my usual appointment with TM today. I struggled to explain to her what was different about this weekend. She asked what the motivators were for my change in attitude. I couldn’t put my finger on the tiny “half-spark” of internal motivation for the change, but I also could not adequately describe the difference in external motivators either. At one point, I tried to explain that I disliked being a cause for concern. I don’t think I explained the “why” behind that very well though… Just now, reading through an older post from another blog I follow, I found a wonderfully concise and accurate description:

“I have always reacted badly to emotionally affecting other people; it’s like I should exist as a neutral entity. Especially when it comes to people who matter to me.” ( blogged about it in this post from last year)…

I’ll have to try to remember this the next time I see TM.

Anyway, we talked about the weekend, and she challenged me to find what it was that allowed for that tiny bit of internal push to change how things turn out. I kinda thought about it already while running errands on the way home… I don’t think she will like the answer (though maybe she will be able to put a positive spin on it): Since I don’t have a fool-proof, guaranteed-to-work method to kill myself, I might as well work to make the interim as pleasant and productive as possible. If I’m in crisis and falling apart at the slightest sign of stress, I will certainly not be making the most of this time I’m “stuck” here. I will also never progress past the initial “dump” of info in therapy. I need to be able to get past this point.

To that end, TM pointed out what should have been obvious to me but wasn’t: I’m still pretty depressed. We talked about what my barriers are to accomplishing even the simplest things. I had reported to her Friday that I had tried several times between Tuesday and Friday  to go to the beach without any success. She wanted specifics around what had me turning around. I explained that it should have been easy enough for me to go, since I always have a “beach bag” in the car (shirt, shorts, blanket, towel, bathing suit). I could simply head out and either change when I got there, or go in jeans and change into dry shorts after. But I would get stuck on all the steps needed to make it to the beach. Sometimes I would start to go, get much of the way there, then turn around because the remaining effort was just too much. The slightest hinderance to making the full journey (which is really only about 6 miles or less, and maybe takes 20 minutes) had me losing my resolve to go. It became overwhelming to think of having to make all those turns, go through all those lights, find parking, gather my stuff, walk “all the way out” to the water, find a spot to consider “mine” or walk along the shore… And if I decided to go in the water, I would have to make sure my stuff didn’t blow away, and my valuables were safely hidden, and battle the waves to get to a point where I can just chill… It was so much easier to just turn around and go home. (I also described my thought process around going to the mall several weeks ago to exchange my bra. She was surprised at how far I broke it down, and admitted that having to think about doing all that would exhaust her also). She agreed that my miles-long list of “steps to get there” could seem to out-weigh the single acknowledged gain. This was where she pointed out “what [I] probably already know, but…” that’s all depression talking. I sometimes forget that depression can also manifest as a lack of energy or enjoyment from things. I’m so used to it being a horrid, hopeless, lifeless mood that as soon as the mood lifts a bit, I don’t see the depression anymore. I think the universe has been trying to bring this to my attention of late. Not only has TM now pointed it out, but I had followed a few forum posts where it was suggested that the poster still was experiencing depression despite the lack of depressed mood. It was more of a behavioral presentation. If I take an honest look at myself lately, I have to admit I’m still obviously depressed. Not only do I find it incredibly difficult to motivate around anything or take enjoyment out of what used to be enjoyable activities, but I also actively battle a higher intensity of “self-destruct” thoughts than would be considered my baseline… So much for moving past the depression. :sigh:

Anyway, she left me with cognitively challenging homework this week (a good balance to the emotionally challenging timeline from last week). I’m supposed to document (timeline or otherwise) some happy/good events in life. I laughed at her and said it would probably all fit on a post-it, compared to the large piece of brown paper I brought the other timeline in on. We laughed, then commiserated on the salience of negative or traumatic memories as opposed to positive/happy ones. I pointed out that we probably wouldn’t have gotten very far in the history of humanity if we forgot tigers might rip our arms off when we tried to cuddle them in the forest. She laughed at that. I like that we have a similar sense of humor, and our thought-process is somewhat similar. I again almost asked her if I could take her with me when I moved…

The other piece of homework was more of a reflective exercise: to figure out what happened to give me that internally motivated little half-spark of hope that helped me get through the weekend. That is so much more challenging. I can easily figure out the external motivators: L, the animals, not wanting to wind up in the hospital, not liking the feeling of causing others to worry or be concerned… easy-peasy. Internal factors though? maybe the discomfort with causing worry? (because it has changed somehow from not feeling worthy or deserving of worry, to disliking the feeling I get within myself when others say they are worried. I know I’m not describing that well, but…). So yeah, I dunno. This one may take me forever to accomplish.

On another note, though TM offered the possibility of a scheduled phone check-in, we ended with leaving it up in the air. I told her I really wanted to prove to myself that I can be self-sufficient (because I used to know how to do that at one time). She made it a point to say that neither calling nor not calling her would mean a failure of any kind. I’m glad she has been listening to all my fears, lol. While I still am seeing calling her as a failure, I will keep playing her statement over and over again in my head. Regardless what happens this week around seeking support, I will not have failed… (some day, I might believe that).

 


My attachment style, in 5 frames

found this on FB…

I was originally going to say this is me with just my wife, but it’s really me in every significant relationship (family, friends, therapists…)

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Healing Quotes Littles 435

Love this. It speaks volumes of that need to at times simply have reassurance the other is still there…

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
.
~ A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh


Hyperbole & a Half is great

so, a friend passed this along… I chuckle at it not so much because it’s funny (though it is), but maybe because it’s kinda true… (I could picture this being me speaking to L or TM or mom or anyone else asking about it… actually have probably said similar things, but she put better)

ADTWO32

I’m not sure where on the site she found it, but look on Hyperbole & a Half to find it and more like it.


quote

It’s hard to share the pain, but it’s even harder to carry it alone. – “Jordy”

 

so true…


quote

I don’t know who said this, as the person quoting it did not cite it, but I think it’s something to think about:

“Give up all hope of having a better past.”

Nothing in the world you can do (short of time travel, which we have not figured out) can change the past. We can only hope to make the present and future better…


Quote – mistakes are learning experiences

A mistake doesn’t mean you’re bad or wrong, it just means you’re learning. And it takes a lot more courage to learn than it does to just be right all the time. – The Girl Who Lived


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Saw the above pic on this blog yesterday, and it really spoke to me. I think it’s a wonderful description of depression…


Quote

“If you just get out of your own way… it’s amazing what will come to you.” -Laird Hamilton


Quote

If I wrote you, you would know me, and you would not write me again…
– Dar Williams, If I Wrote You