Monthly Archives: January 2017

…oh, and the dog is sick :(

I don’t want to live in a world where it’s so acceptable to hate and oppress…

I don’t want to live in a world where we struggle so much around so much. 

I’m constantly rendered speechless and shocked at the bigotry and rhetoric that seems to flow so freely from so many (and how quick they are too assume the other is stupid or wrong for disagreeing – on either side, really)…

On top of the current climate of hate, one of the dogs is sicker than we had hoped. We don’t know what exactly is wrong with her because we don’t have the funds available to get the appropriate testing done yet (come on Thursday!). We had hoped it was merely something antibiotics would clear up, but she’s not as dramatically better (if at all) as she should be after 2 days on meds… even if we get the testing done though, I’m not sure we will be able to afford treatment since the blood tests alone are over $300. 

I hate that I can’t take care of one of my babies. I hate that I know she feels like shit, but right now there’s nothing we can do to help. The vet’s office called earlier to check up on her, and told me they would consult the vet and potentially get back to us today. I told them we don’t have any money till Thursday… I hope between the relationship we’ve built with them, and the lack of positive progress with the dog’s health, they might extend some credit to at least be able to get tests done… 😢 I really want our puppy to be ok (by the way, when did just-under-7-years-old become “senior” for medium sized dogs? I had always thought of 8 or older falling into that category).

It seems universal… or maybe it’s just coincidence

Is there a Narcissistic Asshole Handbook out there, or is it just coincidence that they sound alike? 

The Asshole-Elect who will be running this country in a few short days sounds so much like my dad, down to the inflection in his voice when he speaks. Some of the phrases and the way he counters things are verbatim what G used to say… 

I’ve been staying away from the news and regular television because it’s so triggering… I would say it’s just the clips of him they chose to play, but it’s been him as a whole even before he ran for president. The moment he speaks, I’m flooded with memories of G, the fights he used to pick, his screaming and berating of the other adults in the house. I try to ground myself, but it’s difficult, especially if clips continue to play on TV. 

I feel like I’m desperately trying to wall myself off. If I can live in a little bubble, then maybe I can protect myself from any news of the asshole in charge, and with that, from memories of growing up. 

It’s going to be a really long 4 years. Maybe I need to ask Dr C to work on this (though it’s difficult to pull up on demand unless I’m hearing clips of the orange man… then my insides turn to mush and stone at the same time. It feels like I can’t breathe, but outwardly I appear calm and collected… AG, the APRN, had asked how I kept functioning with the level of distress I reported on the depression scale she gave me: years of having to appear fine on the outside have made it a mask I have trouble dropping until it’s too late)…

Anyway. Yeah… I guess there’s a handbook out there, or G idolized this ass (which is entirely possible). 


Brain fog 

My head is in a complete fog, and I have no energy. I think it’s because my body is fighting off some ailment. L had a wicked stomach bug this weekend, and others I know have had the flu or respiratory things… I’m just hoping I make it through without succumbing to anything…

Last session, we were taking about the extent of my dissociation (when it happens), and ways to try to pool the knowledge from the various emotional states. Dr C suggested trying to “bring all the emotional states together, like at a conference table”… I had trouble wrapping my head around that concept, but I think it was mostly being uncomfortable with the conference table idea. The more I sat with the concept this weekend, the more I was able to ease into the idea. Though I switched the thought of a board room to the concept of a living room, it’s kinda sounding more possible. I’m not sure if I can make it happen, but I was able to doodle out what the different emotions look like, and to write out what I think of when I think of them… they kinda have personal appearances, though they are not actually totally seperate entities… I understand then as all just different emotional states, and can notice when I “slip into” the different mind sets, well, for most of them. There’s two that feel like completely seperate characters. While I’m consciously aware of feeling different in the others, and can access what it feels like to be, say, the brooding teenager, there are two kids whose heads I can’t get into. Those I walled-off more efficiently than the others…

I’ve always felt like my head was set up kinda like a house, with doors that closed to each room. When I was in one room, I was totally in that room. I had knowledge of the existence of the other rooms, but I couldn’t tell what was going on there, nor did I have efficient working memory of what may have happened when I wasn’t in a particular room… More recently (like the past decade or so), it’s been closer to different characters in each room; like an actor slipping into different roles in different sets. The two “kids” are different actors though…

I dunno where I was going with that. Brain fog offs moving back in…

Space cadet 

I’ve been pushing my limits with my back a lot lately. It’s finally getting to the point of shifting from occasionally intense pain to constant moderate pain. I’m glad I had stated the process of getting a physical therapy referral from my doctor…

The constant pain has me spacier than usual, though it’s helping me not feel it as strongly as I’m sure it would otherwise be.

I’m also crankier… 😒😔

I hope the referral goes through asap and I can get this pain under control. Well, at least the back pain. Still gotta work on the gut pain (though I think I figured out that all started when I got a digestive tract infection after taking antibiotics for another infection. My insides just haven’t been the same since)… I’m a mess 🤕

New stress toys

Also, a “kaleidoscope” bulb (I wish I could upload the video of it, but a pic will have to do); it reminds me of being underwater 😍

Impossible things (a letter to no one) 

Sometimes I wish I could materialize you here in my living room, where I’m comfortable and engaged in art. It’s easier to talk sometimes when I’m distracted by the flow, but still connected to the inside. 

Sometimes it’s hard to fit all the talking into that hour. Sometimes it would be easier if we could just do art together and I could talk when things popped into my head; when they felt ready and comfortable to come up. 

It’s safe here alone with just the dogs and my art. Sometimes I wish I could start that way, but bring you in to talk to when I was able. Sometimes I wish you were here without me knowing, so I could get past that censor and shame, and maybe you could help me with the stuff that’s too raw to bring up out loud and in your presence. 

I could get lost in my art and music, and you could watch without me knowing. Then, you could blink in when I wanted to talk… it would be safe and non-threatening. I could communicate the things I’m too scared and ashamed to tell you about. 

And while we are on the topic of impossible powers, maybe it would be good if you could read my mind and tell me for sure if I’m making this all up. You could point out the lies and show me where I’m exaggerating. You could look at the stuff that’s all a jumble and help me understand it. You could take an outsider’s perspective without the emotion, and you could tell me I really am making it all up just because I need to feel worth your time and attention. I want attention… (and even as I think that, I can feel hands on my body and between my legs. It’s creepy. I don’t want attention. I don’t want to be special or pretty or paid attention to. I want to melt into the fibers of the carpet and hide away from everything. I want to disappear).  

Little things

An evolving list of the little things I do to feel safe… do you have things you do? What are they? 

  • I always have “real” clothes on when I’m awake (bra, underwater, jeans, shirt). If I can’t feel it on my body, I get squeamish… though the bra thing is more for pain management than protection. 
  • I have to have a dog, preferable a bigger one. If they are resting, it’s safe to let my guard down. 
  • Pj’s always include pants, preferably heavier ones. I need to know I have clothes on. 
  • My back is towards the wall, not the door or window. Corners are even better. 
  • I have to be able to see and easily access the exit. 
  • I dislike taking anything that incapacitates me when I’m not around someone safe. I hate feeling drugged during the day. 

That fear of going to sleep got stirred up again… :/

More stupid triggers

Met with the aprn today. I knew she’d be intense, but I wasn’t expecting the plethora of triggers that would come my way. 

Aside of her abrupt and incredibly direct manner, she started to talk more about ect after I told her I was strongly against it. I started to run away inside myself, and was about to walk out when I stepped back and was able to ask her to stop talking about it. After she recovered from the interruption, she apologized and moved on. 

I had trouble grounding again, but managed by the time the hour was up. I stood to leave. She offered a handshake though I was already turned towards the door and on my way out. I turned to shake her hand more out of obligation than anything. I was expecting a quick one, but she held on to my hand with both of hers, continuing to shake even as I tried to pull mine away twice. She’s not a big woman, but she has quite a grip. My panic was rising when she finally let go.  I had group right afterwards though. I was able to feel safer in Dr C’s presence for the duration. 

I stayed distracted enough during group, but as soon as I left, the sensation of my hand being held grew louder. The memory of the aprn quickly got overlaid with a sense of bitch, and my whole body stated to feel like it was crawling. I wanted rip my skin off and my insides out… 

I really want to cancel the next appointment with her. I’m not sure the potential benefits of getting this generic test done are worth the intense triggers… correction; I know they are not. I just don’t have the courage to call her (or even text) to cancel the appointment. Maybe next week I’ll find the courage  (or I’ll suck up the no-show fee and just skip the appointment)…

I wish I could have communicated during the appointment that my impulsiveness only happens when I take psych meds. The whole mess of hospitalizations happened mainly while I was on meds (save the two instances after I moved back home). 

I also didn’t verbalize that my ptsd kicked up big-time after that move, and that, while home, the flashbacks were 24/7 and incredibly intense. They aren’t as bad up here, nor as pervasive, though they do happen…

I’m not sure I want to keep triggering them by continuing to see this aprn. I’m sure she’s probably a nice person, and good at her job, but… when I try to remember anything about the appointment, she’s replaced by bitch and the things bitch did. 

I’m really not interested in trying psychotropic meds again (even ones I’ve not tried… all three of them). 

I’ve been feeling pukey and exhausted since the appointment. I really wanted to sleep, even on the drive home. I got home ok, then back out to pick L up at work, but fell asleep while waiting the 7 minutes for her to get out. I slept about 2 hours. I’m not as tired now, but still feel gross. I’m thinking it’s related to the triggering. 

She had asked what was behind the ever-present suicidality. All I could think to say was that I’m so tired… I wish I knew how to qualify what it’s like to struggle through every day. The best I can do is keep journaling the days, but even that doesn’t do it justice… how do you explain carrying a hell no one else can truly understand (nor do you ever wish them to)…

Brief update

The holidays were rough, but mostly because of associations with them.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my work schedule has been stressful also. I’m not in a head-space to be able to work a full day, or multiple days in close proximity (forget doing multiple full days). I become exhausted & depressed. I talked with Dr C about it, and we came to the agreement that I need to amend my work schedule. I spoke to my boss, and I’m no longer going to be doing 10-hour days at camp. I’ll be working no more than 6 hours a day, and not more than 2 days in a row. I was hoping to spread out the hours more, but I have to stick with what fits the overall schedule…

Tomorrow is my appointment with the aprn. I called the genetic testing company about the med testing. I guess it’s a free test for Medicare recipients. They will bill Medicare, it will get denied, but they won’t bill me. That’s a huge relief… I hope the rest of the appointment goes well. She tends to be abrupt, volumous, and outspoken. She’s nice, but “takes getting used to”… 

I’m really tired. Yesterday was a 10-hour day, and today was exhausting. I just want to sleep… at least it’s late enough now that I can head to bed.