Tag Archives: can’t talk

To Dr. C

Dr C,

Talking to A Monday brought stuff up, but I’m not totally sure what. There’s a lot of the past floating around, and I’m finding myself really easily startled and frightened…

My head was literally spinning today, it triggered vertigo somehow.

There’s body stuff I’m feeling, and… I don’t even know what else. My heart races over nothing. I feel shaky, like I haven’t eaten in days, but in reality, I’ve been stuffing my face. I wanted to cut; to destroy my body; to pulverized it and stab it and shred it and break it and burn it… and by my body, I mean my pelvic area, where the feelings are creeping in again.

I wish we hadn’t talked about body. The kid really wanted to reach out, but my mouth was glued shut. I wasn’t sure how to speak about it without just screaming… so I kept quiet.

Only now the things I didn’t say are finding other ways to be noticed.

I really wish you were here coz I could talk to you about it, but you are still away through Monday… I don’t feel comfortable bugging A about it. There would be too much to explain… she kept saying she didn’t know my history; she hadn’t read what you gave her. Part of me wished she had. That way I wouldn’t have to figure out how to cram an explanation into the session and still have time to address what was happening in the moment… or just skip it all together because I couldn’t condense it that far.

I can feel the anxiety rising again. There are memories and fantasies and fears all happening in my body at the same time. It feels like I’m throwing imaginary scenarios in to drown out whatever is trying to surface. Imaginary stuff that I create in my head is much easier to control (and tolerate) than the stuff that actually happened (maybe? They’re memories, right? They’re valid? Or maybe even those are all stories?…).

I want to do that body drawing stuff she mentioned because it feels like something the kid could use to communicate. He still needs a translator, but maybe that would help? He seems connected to the idea…

I want to try some more kid techniques sometimes. Maybe the stuff that’s stuck would become unstuck? The kid that talked to De while I colored really likes that idea too. She wants to do more of that. She liked talking… I think she told the boy, because he keeps peeking around the corner wanting to try it…

There’s really not these others inside, but it just feels like there are others there, and I just don’t have a better way to describe the feeling.

SJ’s gone. I miss her. She was the most brave about talking. She was the face of the other kids. I dunno where she went. The boy misses her too, and the other girl and little blue monster all miss her. She was both 7 and 70. She was protective, but little, but also… I dunno. A container for the other kids? Now that she isn’t here, the others have to speak for themselves? Maybe she split into them when she ran off? She was older when she left though. She felt… I dunno. She wasn’t really older, but now the memory of her feels older? Does that even make sense? She left as a kid, maybe 5 or 7, but now the memory of her leaving feels like a young adult having moved away from home to get on with her own life. She pops by to say hi every once in a while, mostly to the kids, but she’s moved on with her life… like the babysitter going off to college or something.

I know these are all constructs of my head to order and make sense of things (and to keep safe), but it feels so separate. It kinda feels like other people who maybe speak a foreign language, or are extended family, or something… I dunno.

And they shift and change over time. I guess it’s me shifting and changing things as my understanding does the same. Sometimes they make sense as they were, other times the narrative needs to change to compensate for discrepancies. I guess it makes total sense if you look at it all as constructs of my head to help navigate life… they change with my understanding and head-space.

I’m really glad you will be back next week. I hope the trip was fun. I’m really glad you are back (and I was really relieved when I saw you post stuff on ig)…

can’t get out of my own way again

Spent the session with TM pretty checked-out. I didn’t know how to ask for a reality check around what I interpreted as her being sad and tired today, so I didn’t bring up any of what I had intended to. She took that as disengaging in therapy and as me being more depressed and tired… to a degree she is correct, I am totally exhausted with everything on my plate. but I also don’t know how to bring my concerns to her right now. It felt safer for a while, but the last two sessions have not felt that way. I tried to tell her that there is stuff I want to bring to her to talk about during the week, but when actually faced with the prospect of talking about it, it’s suddenly very not safe to address anything. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the courage to admit that till the end of the session, so we didn’t talk more about it… I want to leave her a message, but I am afraid she will pick up the phone if I call while she’s still in the office for the day, so I will leave one tonight after she goes home.

I see her again on Tuesday (finally back to the original schedule), but I am very tempted to bow out of therapy for the time being. I don’t know how to make it feel safe in the time we have left…

I’m supposed to find some structure for myself between now and Tuesday. Dunno. I think I’m just stuck.


Aside of trying to remember to write or draw in session, think I’m going to show this to her. I did it tonight, in the sketch book vs the art journal (less pressure to have something put-together and presentable in this thing –> easier expression). Hoping this helps vs the huge wall of text I have going on in my journal to her…

There’s also a rough concept sketch from last week, but for whatever reason it didn’t feel like something I could show her. I didn’t even remember I had done it till just now looking into the art journal. I guess I need things to feel “finished” in there to remember doing them in the moment.

today’s session was a fail…

I had really wanted to talk to TL about the stuff I had given her to read last week, but I froze when she asked about it. Terror took over and I couldn’t do anything. The stuff I wanted to say got lost on its way from my brain to my mouth. She made a good effort at getting me to loosen up and speak, but I could not get out of my own way. I really need to figure out how to get past that roadblock in my head.

I’m also really struggling to maintain any connection and trust between sessions. I had meant to bring that up today too, but I got distracted by my fear. It’s just too difficult to have to build up to being able to speak, then realizing I only have about 5 minutes left. It takes me nearly the whole session to feel comfortable enough to open up. I need to figure out how to carry any trust and comfort from one session to the next. I used to write in a private blog to De, but that’s not an option. Most of the suggestions I had gotten from others are not options, which is why I had meant to bring it up with TL today. I was hoping we could come up with something that works within the framework in which we work… I had actually had stuff written down to cover today, but I never looked at it. I really wanted to start with the stuff I had given her to read, but that became so overwhelming it took over everything in me…

I did end up going to the beach after though. It was nice and stormy and quiet. There were only a few dozen people out there (tourist season has not yet started), so it was easy to find a spot away from others. One of the lifeguards decided to surf on his break. I spent some time watching him do his thing. Then a woman and 3 boys came by and they played in the water. It was a good choice to go. On the way to and from the beach, I turned up the music and the bass in the car. I have found that the vibration of the bass helps calm me down. It vibrates the emotion out of me. It doesn’t work outside of the car (or back in the day, the club) because I need the whole-body experience of the bass moving through all of me… Guess I need to specifically add that to my list of coping skills, as it’s a good counter to any impulsiveness I may be feeling. something about it triggers the same kind of release…

Anyway, gotta wait another week to try again with TL. I hate it, because so much builds up and piles on to all the stuff that didn’t get addressed the week before, it becomes overwhelming. Getting through the week is really difficult, then the session is a let-down in terms of what I need to cover, and then I have another week to wait for another try. I really miss the availability of writing to De, or coming in extra. It made the connection last a bit better…

that black hole that is depression

It feels like depression has been swallowing me lately.  I wasn’t really up to talking yesterday, and L picked up on that. I felt bad.  I had nothing to say.  I couldn’t formulate words around anything.  Everyone I spoke with yesterday noticed it.  Today is a bit better… Between last night and today, the lovely people at the Baton Rouge Crisis Intervention Center have sat on chat and the phone with me for over 3 1/2 hours.  I totally appreciate their patience as they struggled to get me to communicate.  They are one of the few centers that answer the chat and don’t rush you off right away.  They are ok speaking even when I’m just overwhelmed and needing someone to “sit with” over the chat or phone.  Most chat operators shoo me off if I am not in immediate crisis.  These people are so nice… and they are one of the few places that will also offer a follow-up call if you agree to it.  Apparently I agreed to it last night because I got a call this morning…

Anyway, yeah.  Struggling and trying to keep my head above water (figuratively).  I know something’s got to give. I’m trying to hold on to the hope others have for me, as I don’t have much of my own. Taking things one day at a time, one moment at a time.  And making agreements to stay safe, because there is no other choice. I had left a message for De about that. I hoped she would call, but I guess I didn’t specifically ask for it, or my message was unintelligible.  I have not heard back from her.  I guess she is just busy and counting on me being able to ask for a call-back if I really need one.

i don’t know.

i don’t know.
i don’t know.
I don’t know.