Monthly Archives: June 2015

Finding comfort

Where do you find comfort when you are overwhelmed?


Need help getting unstuck. Ideas?

Any words of wisdom or motivation? I can’t seem to get unstuck at the moment. I have not been able to pack in the last 4 days… it’s crunch time. There’s so much to be done, but no amount of talking to myself, lecturing myself, yelling at myself, or trying to express any of this is helping with it right now.
I’ve tried being gentle, I’ve tried being motivational, I’ve tried bribing myself, I’ve even tried guilting myself, but I feel frozen.
Maybe dragging myself out of the house would give me some sort of pattern interrupt to get me moving again? I dunno. Maybe the beach would recharge me?
I can’t talk about being stuck without crying (and that’s if I can even find the words) I can’t pack without crying and freezing… I tried reaching out to a variety of supports without being able to get relief or a break in this heaviness.
I resorted to leaving TM a message asking for some support. It was a boundary I didn’t want to cross, but I’m running out of ideas. I told her that I wouldn’t pick up if she called back so that she wouldn’t have to waste more than a few moments on a message. The other reason behind that is that I’m not confident of being able to actually speak with her if I answered. As soon as I open my mouth, I start to cry. Even with L last night, I couldn’t get words out around any of this…
I hate all the emotions this anniversary brings up. I hate that it’s now compounded by the move (or the move is made more difficult by this anniversary. Both are accurate ways of looking at it)…
I just need to be able to function long enough to get things done. I need something to work to make me functional.


I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this without it feeling like it’s crushing me… I’m a bug on the bottom of someone’s shoe, and it feels like I’m being ground into the dirt…
I don’t know how to do this.


How can I help you say goodbye – Patty Loveless


quote – on depression

depression isn’t not understanding that you have something you should live for; it’s knowing that you should feel differently, but it’s so bad that all you want to do is curl up and die… – Violet Turner, Private Practice – Love Bites (s3e14)


what happened to my “sticky”?

I have a private post that I wanted to keep as a sticky at the top of my blog (It’s a quote that I am not sure the person wants to be made public, since it was shared on a private group page, but it’s something I need to remember)… It was there for about a week, and now it’s not there anymore. Is there a way to keep a sticky at the top of the blog? I keep checking off “make this a sticky” but it doesn’t seem to work. What’s going on with it? Do the stickies expire?


“Are you a psychopath? Have I got the career for you!”

I want to save this for later reading.

Minding the Workplace

Screenshot from http://the-silence-of-the-lambs.wikia.com/wiki/Hannibal_LecterScreenshot from http://the-silence-of-the-lambs.wikia.com/wiki/Hannibal_Lecter

They may be click bait, but articles listing professions said to attract the most psychopaths are very popular. At least I couldn’t help myself when I saw the latest from AlterNet, by Kali Holloway, summarizing a now oft-repeated list:

  • CEO
  • Lawyer
  • Media (television/radio)
  • Salesperson
  • Surgeon
  • Journalist
  • Police officer
  • Clergy
  • Chef
  • Civil servants

The origin of this list is psychologist Kevin Dutton’s The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success (2012). According to Holloway, Dutton:

…believes that psychopathy can actually be advantageous in some careers. Using (not the most scientific) survey, he compiled a list of careers in which psychopaths are overrepresented. Mostly, they’re fields where the hallmarks of psychopathy allow people not just to get by but to thrive and succeed.

similar 2013 piece by Kelly Clay in Forbes.com adds more from Dutton:

Dutton has said that ”a number…

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One bucket list item done

We interrupt your normal read now to bring you this special report.

With the date of the move a mere 8 days away, I’ve decided I need to hurry up with my bucket list of things to do here before leaving.

Yesterday I text a friend whom I’ve gone field herping with, and who said he knew of a spot where we could find chameleons in the wild (though they are not a native species here, some pockets of populations exist). We made an impromptu trip to said spot.

Within the first 20 feet, I spotted a chameleon! It was a young female

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Both of us were crazy-giddy at having found one. For me, it was a “lifer” (a herp I desperately wanted to find in situ). I used to own chameleons. They are my absolute favorite lizard of all time. I can’t express how excited I was to find one 😀

The rest of the night was uneventful. I think too many people know of that spot because she was the only one we encountered. But it was totally worth it. We also found a corn snake, several species of bugs, and a boar skull in a bucket (I’m guessing someone killed the thing and wanted to have the skull cleaned by bugs, so they left it in the field and will come back for it at a later date)…

Anyway, just wanted to share the chameleon find. It totally made my weekend!

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming 😉


quote – never stop yourself from living

Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living. ―Alysha Spee


Feeling disposable

Feeling very disposable tonight. Not quite sure why. I have an idea, but… I don’t know.

Trying to hold the idea of being worthy of care, and that people actually do care about me in my head. It’s proving difficult. Part of that comes from shutting everyone out right now. It seems to be the only way I can function enough to keep moving forward. It’s the only thing that keeps me from dissolving into tears again.

I hate this time of year. I hate that I so easily fall back into despair. I hate that it is so much easier here, where all the reminders of the original events are in my face 24/7/365.

There’s so much swirling around in my head at the moment. I wish I knew how to sort it out. I might need to purposefully do some containment visualizations tonight. I’m grateful for TM’s suggestion of using the pensive. I don’t have to pay attention to where I put things, or try to stuff them in so they all fit. I can simply pull it all out and put it into the bowl. I know it will be held safely there. Everything can coalesce, but I will still be able to pick out what I need when I need it; easily and one at a time. I can put the whole mess in at once, and know I’ll still be able to find what I’m looking for when I’m looking for it. The house, family, the cats & dogs, friends, experiences (positive and negative alike)… it gets pulled into the pensive so that nothing falls over the rim. I will have the tools needed for pulling them out one by one when I want or need. It will happen safely and in a controlled manner…

Just have to make it through the next several weeks. Well, first I have to pull off the move, then I can worry about the rest of the month. At least I’ll be with L again. And the triggers won’t be in the walls and the trees… most days and nights, these walls scream with the past. The new walls may well scream for someone else, but I will not be able to hear them. Hoping for some internal peace after this relocation.


moving + shitty anniversary + stress + pms = crying every other second

yeah. that.

I hate crying, yet I can’t seem to stop.

I really wish I still had TM’s support this week.


Right side of history

I did a little happy dance as I read that marriage equality is now legal in all 50 states! Finally ❤


Mistaken

image


venting

I can’t seem to stop crying. This move is what my wife and I have been working towards for three years, but it still hurts. And it’s all right at the same time as a really crappy anniversary. It just sucks. I’m not sure where to turn for real-life support around any of it. I’m not even sure what I would want or need as support. No one seems to be able to understand that it sucks as much as it does (I’m not sure even I totally get why it hurts so much). Everyone thinks I should just be happy that I’m back with my wife (which I totally am!), but there’s also this anniversary of my aunt’s death (she was the safe place to go when my dad got out of control), and losing her house, and having to re-home one of my cats as well as say goodbye to my mom & her critters, and leaving my friends, and having to have said goodbye to TM… and I’m pms’ing, which ALWAYS makes everything a million times harder.

It’s weird, because my ptsd got so much worse when I moved here, but the thought of leaving the week after next is also really triggering. I feel like I’m leaving my mom to an abusive situation again (did that at 17 when I couldn’t stay at my home any longer b/c of my dad), though this time she lives alone – there isn’t any current abuse, but it still *feels* the same, and I don’t know how to shake that feeling. I was never good at protecting her or taking care of her as a kid, and I’m no better at it as an adult. I feel like a little kid again. Writing it out here though, I’m realizing it’s probably mostly the old stuff, and it’s kinda helping to recognize that.

Yesterday I gave in and went out with friends for our usual Wednesday night trivia at a local restaurant. I should not have gone out and spent money, but I want to get all the time in with them that I can. It took me 10 minutes to walk into the place though. I couldn’t stop crying in the car. On the way home, I tore out of the parking lot and cried again when I got back into my driveway. I know I won’t lose touch with my friend b/c we’ve been friends since middle school. We just keep finding each other and catching up, but it’s another loss at a time when so many are already very prominent.

I haven’t cried this much since ending with De this same time last year. I hate it. I don’t know how not to be overwhelmed by this. I have to keep it together though. I have to sort through all my crap and pack it up and wrap up loose ends. All I want to do is either hide in bed and cry, or go to the beach and ignore the move (still trying to figure out how to get more beach time in before I leave).

I’m really hating that I don’t have a therapist to talk to right now. I could call Dr. C, but I need to ask her if I can skip a payment on my old bill next month. I don’t want to have to simultaneously ask for extra help from her when I know I can’t pay for it in the moment… I’m kinda mad the stupid IOP was so triggering. It would have been nice to be able to process some of this stuff. It’s easier to be rambling and directionless in my whining in a setting like that where it’s somewhat expected. And it would be ok to whine and ask for support. I don’t know how to do that with people in my life. I’m supposed to know what I’m asking for, and how to ask for it, and how to do it on my own before even asking. That’s just what society expects. That way you are not really asking for anything, just acknowledging that you are stuck. People don’t have to be made uncomfortable by not knowing what to do (even if all you need is for them to listen and care so you can just get the jumbled mess out of your head)…

I’m really glad to be back with my wife soon, but I wish the change wasn’t happening on the stupid anniversary. A month earlier or later would have been a bit easier (later, I’m guessing, would have been easiest b/c things always get easier once the anniversary passes… and I might have had TM’s support through that day). July 7th has not been easy at all since being down here. At least up north, some years I wouldn’t even know it was coming up. Down here though, the distress over it hits hard more than a month before, and it just keeps getting worse as the day nears. For the past 2 years, it’s also been the time I have to say goodbye to my therapist, so there’s no reliable support around getting through it. 😦

I’m so tired of all this. It needs to get better again up north. I don’t have the energy to keep going through this all the time.

Sorry. I don’t know how not to be so needy right now.


Bad blood by Taylor Swift

“Band Aids don’t fix bullet holes cuz if you live like that you live with ghosts”

bad blood by Taylor Swift


rollercoaster

moves can be such an upheaval, even if they are wanted and happy…

I go through bouts of panic, or intense sadness, or both.

I want to hide and cry, but I am trying to pack…

I want to break things (but I don’t really, just feeling very broken inside)… so I purge things and pack the rest.

progress is happening. slow, but happening.

“in tomorrow’s light, things will look a lot less frightening” – Lily Kershaw, Maybe


quote – on the other side of pain…

“On the other side of pain, there is still love.” – Madeleine L’Engle


I wrote her a letter

I did not sleep much last night. I fell asleep around 3am, only to be awakened by cats breaking things at 5:30am. I went back to sleep around 6:30 after cleaning up all the broken glass, then was up again at 8… I was in no mood to pack boxes this a.m. I was going back and forth about leaving TM a message in hopes of expressing what I couldn’t yesterday. The thought of it made me feel too needy and clingy though.

Instead, I wrote her a letter. It’s not great, but it’s got more in it that I had wanted to express. I also made her a mini-award with one of the “endings” quotes she had printed out for me on the back… the unicorn is supposed to resemble the one in her office. It’s not quite right either, but I suddenly can’t remember what her’s looked like (except for the crazy hair).

Awesome Counselor AwardJohn Irving quote

 

 

:shrugz: I’ll send it out tomorrow after the little card is more fully dry… can’t think too much about the ending though, because my eyes will start leaking again.


When the lights go down

Tears keep spilling from my eyes. I can’t seem to get them under control.

When the lights go down and there’s nothing left to be
When the lights go down and truth is all you see
When you feel that hole inside your soul
And wonder what you’re made of
Well we all find out
When the lights go down
-Faith Hill

Been struggling with the slowing of the day for the past several days. When it gets quiet, the emotions hit. I’m tired, but I can’t seem to sleep till way late (or is it early?). I have weird dreams. I get exhausted during the day because of the crappy sleep. None of it helps my emotional experiencing.

Way too many changes. Way too much for one day to reasonably hold…


:(… last session with TM

Said goodbye to TM today… It was a good session, but I didn’t really say any of what I had hoped to tell her.

We colored and did pictures. It was good. I’ve spent the rest of the day feverishly sorting and packing… and I may or may not have utilized alcohol as a coping skill as well.

I can’t believe the move is in 2 weeks. I have exactly 14 days to get my shit together. It’ll happen, but I may panic a few more times along the way.

I keep wishing I had said more to TM today. I keep trying to find the right words so I could at least leave her a message, but I don’t have the words. I mentioned as much to her today; that I don’t know how to say thank you and convey the totality of what that means… and I didn’t ask her for a hug, though I really wanted to. I again couldn’t find the words. She had all this stuff in her hands, and I had stuff in mine and… well, I didn’t ask. She even asked if there was anything else, and I just said “no”. We had already gone a few over, and I didn’t want to keep her longer in the hallway as I struggled to form the question.

I did ask if it would be ok to call and update her though, and she said that she would like that.

Sometimes I really hate the finite nature of a therapeutic relationship. I’m also aware though, that it wouldn’t be as safe without the boundaries in place. It just sucks at times like these…

 


A small art dump

Between packing and procrastinating, I’ve gotten some art time in.

wpid-20150621_153423-1.jpgI didn’t expect to be able to go to Friday’s class with my friend, but stars aligned and things worked out. It was fun. We made marbled backgrounds using paint and shaving cream… I don’t have any pics of the plain bg (will have to ask my friend for it. She always takes pics of what everyone makes), but I turned one into a painting today. Some of the marbling looked like lotus flowers, so I drew some. Then I painted around them to have them stand out better.

 

wpid-20150619_233026.jpgOne of the other bg’s I made that night was just dots of color. She had also brought along her stamps, including a new face one (for her class the next day). We got to mess with them. I really like that stamp, though cannot picture spending that much on a stamp. I’ll stick to borrowing her’s or drawing my own faces… (the price tag on it was $23, but she uses it for her students, so she can justify it). Anyway, I used that & her poppies. When I got home that night, I decided to play with that page. I thought the poppies would be interesting if I made them out of washi tape. After heading to bed though, I ended up coloring in her eyes with gel pen. I have yet to take another pic of what it looks like now. It’s still a work in progress.

 

wpid-20150619_124942-1.jpgLastly, TM had given me this Dumbledore quote last week. I wanted to put it somewhere safe, so into the big journal it went. I originally was going to draw a light bulb hanging from a chain, with just a pull chain next to it. The bulb was going to just be the barest hint of being there, with a hand pulling the chain to turn it on, but I wasn’t confident in my ability to pull off the concept as I saw it in my head, so I went with a hand holding a lit match. (The significance of the bulb would have had me too nervous to be able to handle screwing up the picture).

 

wpid-img_20150619_081344.jpgit was first done in white wax pencil, but I wasn’t satisfied with the look. I added gelatos for color, and I think it looks much better (we will ignore that I forgot to put wax paper between the pages so it got a bit ruined today when I had to peel the stuck pages apart… it’s ok. It’s not that bad. I can live with it. The whole piece is not ruined… I will keep telling myself that until I believe it).

Anyway, those were this weekend’s distractions. Now I have to get back to packing o_O

Oh! I also found the absolute cutest washi tape on clearance at Office Depot yesterday: effalants!

image

Most of my washi tapes are black, white, or black & white. I think the caution tape was one of 3 that had color. I just had to get this set though. The elephants are totally worth it ❤


don’t know how to allow myself to feel

I was talking to L today for our usual daily chat (coz what else are you going to do when you’ve been 1500 miles apart for the past year and some weeks?), and I managed to get out (without my voice catching, and without having to go silent) that I was trying to come to terms with having to find one of the cats a new home… The words came, then the emotion hit, and that was all I could say about it without tears welling up in my eyes… even just writing it here they are threatening to burst forth, but I’m frantically blinking them away.

We also mentioned that Monday will be my last session with TM. More tears sprung to my eyes, but behaved themselves…

I don’t know how to allow myself to feel this. It’s too heavy and too scary. I still can’t think of leaving mom here by herself without the tears escaping from the confines of my eyes… So I stop the thoughts or the conversations. I switch the topic quickly and efficiently. And I still don’t release any of it. It’s safer to feel bad about losing TM because the level of emotional investment in her is not as great as it is with everything and everyone else. I care about her, she’s safe, I will miss her a lot, but it’s nowhere near the level of overwhelming hurt that comes with everything else.

It all feels like K & T dying again. It’s that huge. It hurts that much (only maybe more, because it’s them being gone, and worry over mom and the dog and cats and house and future and everything…). The safety net that was supposed to always be there is again going away. I feel like that poor bee I tried to rescue from drowning in the ocean several weeks ago. It was so windy & choppy, every time I fished him out, the wind caught him and threw him back into the water. Eventually the waves carried him away and I am assuming he perished… I feel like that little bee after I had fished him out a second time, and before the wind whipped him away again. There’s a sense of relief in knowing I’m getting out of the waves, but I also know it’s pretty windy. I’m holding my breath for the last time I get knocked in and the waves finally take me away from all hope of getting out of the water. I’m afraid it’s going to happen like that. I’m afraid something will finally knock me so far that all the means of finding safety are too far to get to.

I don’t know how to be ok feeling this emotion. Maybe if I felt support around it; maybe if there was a cushion of safety in attempting to deal with the emotion, I might be ok trying it in bits… but there’s no cushion. I will have 2 weeks after my last session with TM to keep it together and keep moving. There won’t be that neutral party to bring me back to a level-head. So I have to maintain it for myself. The only way I know how to do it and still function is to stuff it all away.

So I stuff. I fight the tears and the sadness and the fear. I fight the panic… I’m not sure how well I will manage that on the last drive out of the driveway, but at least I won’t be the one behind the wheel.

This sucks.


um, so getting back to what I was going to post… black pen test for mixed media art & art journals…

There was a question in an art journal fb group about the preferred black pens to use with mixed media and art journals. I’m a visual person, so I rounded up all the pens I have at home and did some tests to show how they work out. It’s certainly not all the ones available, but all the black pens & markers I could find at home.

I used Strathmore mixed media paper. I tested them on Golden brand gesso (creamier), Golden brand heavy gel, and Liquitex Basics gesso (rougher). The far right column was the pens directly on the paper, then (after heat-dried) washed over with a single pass of a soft brush full of water. I put the gessos and gel on fairly thick to the left side of their respective column, and thinner to the right (but only about 1.5″ wide in each column because I wasn’t thinking). It’s too humid for acrylic stuff to dry well here, so the thicker sides were still tacky when I did this. It effects the pen performance; the thinner sides took the pen better. Oh, and I did a last-minute triple-pass of matte medium over 1/2 the pen in the far left column…

The matte medium and water were used to the right of the lines in the individual examples in each column (except the one dedicated water column)…

The inc R2 & MegaBold pens are both dollar store finds…

Sadly, my favorite pen (Scarlet Lime) is no longer available. If anyone finds one that performs like that, with the same deep black, please point me in the right direction! I tried the FudeBall a while back (what was originally recommended to replace the Scarlet Lime), but it just didn’t hook me. In my opinion, it performed a lot like the dollar store pens for a much higher price. I used a friend’s at the time, so it’s not part of this test page. (I was just told that the Pilot Multiball pen and the Pilot BeGreen Recycled Permaball GellRollerball pen (UK) the same as the Scarlet Lime one… Will have to check both out.)

Does any of that even make sense? Hopefully the pics help…

If you have done something similar (or do it in the future), feel free to show & tell in the comments. If you allow, I will move your test up into the body of this post so it’s all in one place. 😉

 


really? that’s how you found me?

have you ever just browsed your stats to see how people find your blog?

I was casually looking before coming to post an art-related entry, and I stopped in my tracks & did a double-take when I read the only search term used to find me today:

search term used to find my blog

really? That is how you find me? I mean, I’m all for people stumbling onto this blog and maybe finding it helpful, but… ?! sorry to disappoint. nothing even close to any of that here. yes. each of those words, individually, may have been used as tags in my posts, but definitely not together like that… ::sigh::

smh around search engines that pop up blogs like this when people are clearly looking for something else…

seriously though, I’m pretty accepting of individual kink, but try not to harm or traumatized anyone while following your passions. black gay porn? sure, go for it! just leave the dog out of it (though I guess if you get off on watching dogs do it with other dogs, that’s ok, just don’t participate or force anything…). bestiality doesn’t exactly involve consent on the part of the animal, so I can’t condone that. consent and respect are huge deals in the realm of sexual activities.

if it was you, and you kept looking around here, more power to you for being disappointed but plugging on… lol.

WordPress and whatever search engine popped up my blog in response to that search term, you may want to check your algorithms… though I felt the need to add that search phrase into my tags, so now more people looking for that will find me easier, haha… oye!

 


Letting Your Light Shine – Teens Healing From Abuse

I need to read through this again at a later time, but I really liked the vidualization of the flame for healing from abuse. I think it could be used with a wider range of ages, though the blog specifically talks about using it for adolescents.

Alexandra House Blog

While each individual’s path of healing is unique, this “healing flame” is a visual representation of factors that contribute to healing for youth who have experienced abuse. It has been adapted from Kate Cavett’s Healing Wheel. It starts with the inner flame and grows outward.

Healing Flame “Let Your Light Shine”
Developed by Alexandra House 2014
Adapted from the Healing from Abuse Wheel by Kate Cavett

Naming the Abuse. Identifying abusive experiences and naming them can be the first step to healing. Talking to someone about your experiences in relationships can help you to see them in a new light and to identify what you may have initially thought of as “normal” as actually being harmful or abusive. Talking to a trusted friend or adult begins the journey of breaking through the isolation. The Power and Control Wheel can help.

Finding Safety. Once you have identified and named the abuse, it…

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constant triggers and a perpetual state of flashbacks…

Two years after this post, I am noticing the flashbacks are not as intense all of the time. I have habituated to the triggers to a degree. They are still easily accessed, and still difficult to ground from, but it’s not as much of a confusion of reality anymore (though after reading this post again I find myself slipping back into that feeling-state rather easily. I don’t mean to, it’s just that close to the surface still)…
I’ve certainly dealt with a lot here. Both L and I knew this move would be life-altering in some way, however neither of us knew exactly how. It’s proven to be life-altering on so many levels… L finally escaped the vortex of her draining big-box retail job to find something new. I faced more of the past than I even knew existed… It’s been an eye-opening experience. There’s still a lot to work out around it all though. It’s been over-all positive. I don’t mean the financial worries, the insane depression, the triggers, the flashbacks, or any of that stuff, but it has set both our lives’ onto an adjusted course. Had I not returned and been faced with all of this in a form of unintentional flooding, I don’t think I would have had the breakthroughs I did. I think I would have been struggling with faceless demons for a lot longer. At least now I know what I’m fighting. Now I know what to wade through to be able to come out on the other side…
As stressful as this was, I’m grateful for it. We met wonderful people, learned new things, went places we’ve never been… and I was reminded how much I love the beach ❤

both sides of the wall

In talking to D today, I finally found a way to describe what it feels like to live here again.  We were talking about what is different down here, and how I feel like I can’t ground effectively.  I likened it to lucid dreaming – where you know you are dreaming, but are also lost in the dream.  That’s what it feels like most days (almost always) to be back here.  I have snippets of the past constantly playing out in my head, be it emotions, sensations, or visual flashbacks, there’s always something there.  I am aware that it is memories of the past, but I can’t shake them.  I live alongside them daily.  I am at once 34 and much younger.  I remember sights, sounds, and smells.  I can feel the sensations in my body.  I can tell myself that they are the past.  I am aware that they…

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Following your dreams…

not mine exactly, but the concept of following your dreams…

For almost as long as I can remember (which, admittedly is not all that long), my brother talked about becoming an animator. He kicked ass at art, but hated school. He sucked it up though, and attended a trade school for a degree in 3D animation. He now works at Blue Sky Studios (think the Ice Age series, Rio 1&2, Epic… and now the Peanuts!!). He’s living his dream.

I often told him I was jealous of his abilities. He’s creative and technically sound with his creativity. And he’s super-well-rounded. Heck, his latest “side projects” have included designing & programming a “virtual butler” to automate his cubicle, fabricating survival knives, building a crib for my niece-in-the-works, as well as various other mechanical & technical engineering “dabbles”… I am the stupidest person in my immediate family (I had originally written simply “family”, but I must say I’m miles above bitch). They are all heady & science-minded. My parents read accounting, calculus, law, and quantum physics for fun?!?!!!!… Me? I smear paint on paper and get a headache from anything mathematical. I do have an interest in biology & psych, but neither of those are considered “real” sciences (at least by my father. My mom & bro are cool with it… Hmm, no wonder I like them better 😉 )

Anyway, I digress. The new Peanuts trailer came out recently, and I wanted to share it with you and brag a bit that my very talent brother joins the rest of the very talented Blue Sky team in creating a true-to-2D-but-still-3D rendition of the great Charles Shultz characters. I am so psyched to see this when it comes out. I kinda wish I had put in my resume back in ’12 when they were doing a massive hire, but I didn’t think I’d get anywhere with it. My artistic abilities are squat compared to people who work there… Maybe they would hire me for the front desk? I dunno.  Anyway, I want to see the movie when it comes out in November. (apparently, my brother is a lazy butt and won’t walk to the theater on the other side of the studio to watch it, so you are seeing this even before some of the people who worked on it… to his credit, it is quite a walk. The building is huge and maze-like).


reality is sinking in slowly

I managed some sorting and packing today. I only packed maybe 3 boxes, but there was a bunch more sorting happening. I now have 4 bags plus one box of donations…

My back had it though. I was going to continue, but it put its foot down. I stepped and tweaked something, so I came to have dinner and sit for the evening. It has since stopped twingeing.

I keep having moments of panic around this move. The dogs certainly are feeling anxious. Mom’s dog is incredibly antsy and hyper. The others are starting to pace. Crusher has not been through a move with me, but the other 3 have gone through several… I think mom is also feeling the reality of the move (It’s only like 2.5 weeks away! Que Daffy Duck-esque freak out). There’s just something different about her… I’m trying not to cry too often and too heavily over this. I’m afraid if I let go too much, I will fall completely to pieces. The loss is too compounded and too huge.

I’m also seeing the notation on my calendar that next week is it with TM… 😦 Fuck. I like her. She “gets” me. She’s been able to decode my communication relatively quickly, and she’s up-front about things… She has a way of blending the professional side with the broken side. As much as I’m psyched to be returning to Dr C, I’m sad to be leaving TM. ::sigh::

Ok, gotta do something else now because tears are about to flow uncontrollably. Stuffing in progress…


pushing through

trying not to let my emotions get the best of me today and cause a total melt-down (though I do agree a release of emotion would be beneficial). I let myself tear up a bit earlier (thanks SG for the pep-talk/butt kicking!), but I have not let other things allow me to fall apart.

there are quite a few barriers to this move still, and trying to get them resolved serves to remind me how much I’ve screwed up in life… but I’m working on it. I kept making calls (after a brief pause to collect myself), and I didn’t let that voice that told me over and over again how hopeless and worthless I am win out.

sure, I want to head out to the store, buy a 12-pack of beer, some limes and coconut water, and drown myself in margaritas and beer, but… well, I don’t have the funds. so going to “drown” myself in my art shortly. plugging in my headset, cranking my ipod, and going to breathe through the rest of the day.


Sudden freak-out moment

I was up early this morning. I normally am awake, but in bed for several hours before I actually get up. This morning I physically got out of bed before 6:30am. I sat on the patio with the dogs and drank my coffee… the problem with that though, is the panic over this move and the losses kicked in earlier in the day. I did my online stuff already and it’s not even 10 am. I’ve finished all the distractions that normally get me through to 1 pm… now there’s time to think. I really don’t want to think. I don’t want to remember that everything changes in 3 weeks. I don’t want to remember that next week is my last session with TM. I don’t want to tackle the giant task of sorting things, packing them, and moving them. I don’t want to think about the fact that I feel people see my animals as disposable. I don’t want to be aware of any of the losses or changes coming up… and I don’t want to cry.

I suddenly feel very needy today. I want to be a little kid and not worry about anything, only I’m worried about everything.

Maybe if I get the dogs up-&-at-’em, their craziness will provide a distraction for the time being. I could do mani-pedis and give the little guy the haircut he so desperately needs. Then maybe I can clean out the snake cages I’m hoping to sell before the move… and… I don’t know. Hoping that provides enough distraction and draining to allow this panic to abate.