Where do you find comfort when you are overwhelmed?
Monthly Archives: June 2015
depression isn’t not understanding that you have something you should live for; it’s knowing that you should feel differently, but it’s so bad that all you want to do is curl up and die… – Violet Turner, Private Practice – Love Bites (s3e14)
I have a private post that I wanted to keep as a sticky at the top of my blog (It’s a quote that I am not sure the person wants to be made public, since it was shared on a private group page, but it’s something I need to remember)… It was there for about a week, and now it’s not there anymore. Is there a way to keep a sticky at the top of the blog? I keep checking off “make this a sticky” but it doesn’t seem to work. What’s going on with it? Do the stickies expire?
I want to save this for later reading.
Screenshot from http://the-silence-of-the-lambs.wikia.com/wiki/Hannibal_Lecter
They may be click bait, but articles listing professions said to attract the most psychopaths are very popular. At least I couldn’t help myself when I saw the latest from AlterNet, by Kali Holloway, summarizing a now oft-repeated list:
- Media (television/radio)
- Police officer
- Civil servants
The origin of this list is psychologist Kevin Dutton’s The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success (2012). According to Holloway, Dutton:
…believes that psychopathy can actually be advantageous in some careers. Using (not the most scientific) survey, he compiled a list of careers in which psychopaths are overrepresented. Mostly, they’re fields where the hallmarks of psychopathy allow people not just to get by but to thrive and succeed.
A similar 2013 piece by Kelly Clay in Forbes.com adds more from Dutton:
Dutton has said that ”a number…
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We interrupt your normal read now to bring you this special report.
With the date of the move a mere 8 days away, I’ve decided I need to hurry up with my bucket list of things to do here before leaving.
Yesterday I text a friend whom I’ve gone field herping with, and who said he knew of a spot where we could find chameleons in the wild (though they are not a native species here, some pockets of populations exist). We made an impromptu trip to said spot.
Within the first 20 feet, I spotted a chameleon! It was a young female
Both of us were crazy-giddy at having found one. For me, it was a “lifer” (a herp I desperately wanted to find in situ). I used to own chameleons. They are my absolute favorite lizard of all time. I can’t express how excited I was to find one 😀
The rest of the night was uneventful. I think too many people know of that spot because she was the only one we encountered. But it was totally worth it. We also found a corn snake, several species of bugs, and a boar skull in a bucket (I’m guessing someone killed the thing and wanted to have the skull cleaned by bugs, so they left it in the field and will come back for it at a later date)…
Anyway, just wanted to share the chameleon find. It totally made my weekend!
Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming 😉
I did a little happy dance as I read that marriage equality is now legal in all 50 states! Finally ❤
“Band Aids don’t fix bullet holes cuz if you live like that you live with ghosts”
bad blood by Taylor Swift
“On the other side of pain, there is still love.” – Madeleine L’Engle
I did not sleep much last night. I fell asleep around 3am, only to be awakened by cats breaking things at 5:30am. I went back to sleep around 6:30 after cleaning up all the broken glass, then was up again at 8… I was in no mood to pack boxes this a.m. I was going back and forth about leaving TM a message in hopes of expressing what I couldn’t yesterday. The thought of it made me feel too needy and clingy though.
Instead, I wrote her a letter. It’s not great, but it’s got more in it that I had wanted to express. I also made her a mini-award with one of the “endings” quotes she had printed out for me on the back… the unicorn is supposed to resemble the one in her office. It’s not quite right either, but I suddenly can’t remember what her’s looked like (except for the crazy hair).
:shrugz: I’ll send it out tomorrow after the little card is more fully dry… can’t think too much about the ending though, because my eyes will start leaking again.
Tears keep spilling from my eyes. I can’t seem to get them under control.
When the lights go down and there’s nothing left to be
When the lights go down and truth is all you see
When you feel that hole inside your soul
And wonder what you’re made of
Well we all find out
When the lights go down
Been struggling with the slowing of the day for the past several days. When it gets quiet, the emotions hit. I’m tired, but I can’t seem to sleep till way late (or is it early?). I have weird dreams. I get exhausted during the day because of the crappy sleep. None of it helps my emotional experiencing.
Way too many changes. Way too much for one day to reasonably hold…
Said goodbye to TM today… It was a good session, but I didn’t really say any of what I had hoped to tell her.
We colored and did pictures. It was good. I’ve spent the rest of the day feverishly sorting and packing… and I may or may not have utilized alcohol as a coping skill as well.
I can’t believe the move is in 2 weeks. I have exactly 14 days to get my shit together. It’ll happen, but I may panic a few more times along the way.
I keep wishing I had said more to TM today. I keep trying to find the right words so I could at least leave her a message, but I don’t have the words. I mentioned as much to her today; that I don’t know how to say thank you and convey the totality of what that means… and I didn’t ask her for a hug, though I really wanted to. I again couldn’t find the words. She had all this stuff in her hands, and I had stuff in mine and… well, I didn’t ask. She even asked if there was anything else, and I just said “no”. We had already gone a few over, and I didn’t want to keep her longer in the hallway as I struggled to form the question.
I did ask if it would be ok to call and update her though, and she said that she would like that.
Sometimes I really hate the finite nature of a therapeutic relationship. I’m also aware though, that it wouldn’t be as safe without the boundaries in place. It just sucks at times like these…
Between packing and procrastinating, I’ve gotten some art time in.
I didn’t expect to be able to go to Friday’s class with my friend, but stars aligned and things worked out. It was fun. We made marbled backgrounds using paint and shaving cream… I don’t have any pics of the plain bg (will have to ask my friend for it. She always takes pics of what everyone makes), but I turned one into a painting today. Some of the marbling looked like lotus flowers, so I drew some. Then I painted around them to have them stand out better.
One of the other bg’s I made that night was just dots of color. She had also brought along her stamps, including a new face one (for her class the next day). We got to mess with them. I really like that stamp, though cannot picture spending that much on a stamp. I’ll stick to borrowing her’s or drawing my own faces… (the price tag on it was $23, but she uses it for her students, so she can justify it). Anyway, I used that & her poppies. When I got home that night, I decided to play with that page. I thought the poppies would be interesting if I made them out of washi tape. After heading to bed though, I ended up coloring in her eyes with gel pen. I have yet to take another pic of what it looks like now. It’s still a work in progress.
Lastly, TM had given me this Dumbledore quote last week. I wanted to put it somewhere safe, so into the big journal it went. I originally was going to draw a light bulb hanging from a chain, with just a pull chain next to it. The bulb was going to just be the barest hint of being there, with a hand pulling the chain to turn it on, but I wasn’t confident in my ability to pull off the concept as I saw it in my head, so I went with a hand holding a lit match. (The significance of the bulb would have had me too nervous to be able to handle screwing up the picture).
it was first done in white wax pencil, but I wasn’t satisfied with the look. I added gelatos for color, and I think it looks much better (we will ignore that I forgot to put wax paper between the pages so it got a bit ruined today when I had to peel the stuck pages apart… it’s ok. It’s not that bad. I can live with it. The whole piece is not ruined… I will keep telling myself that until I believe it).
Anyway, those were this weekend’s distractions. Now I have to get back to packing
Oh! I also found the absolute cutest washi tape on clearance at Office Depot yesterday: effalants!
Most of my washi tapes are black, white, or black & white. I think the caution tape was one of 3 that had color. I just had to get this set though. The elephants are totally worth it ❤
There was a question in an art journal fb group about the preferred black pens to use with mixed media and art journals. I’m a visual person, so I rounded up all the pens I have at home and did some tests to show how they work out. It’s certainly not all the ones available, but all the black pens & markers I could find at home.
I used Strathmore mixed media paper. I tested them on Golden brand gesso (creamier), Golden brand heavy gel, and Liquitex Basics gesso (rougher). The far right column was the pens directly on the paper, then (after heat-dried) washed over with a single pass of a soft brush full of water. I put the gessos and gel on fairly thick to the left side of their respective column, and thinner to the right (but only about 1.5″ wide in each column because I wasn’t thinking). It’s too humid for acrylic stuff to dry well here, so the thicker sides were still tacky when I did this. It effects the pen performance; the thinner sides took the pen better. Oh, and I did a last-minute triple-pass of matte medium over 1/2 the pen in the far left column…
The matte medium and water were used to the right of the lines in the individual examples in each column (except the one dedicated water column)…
The inc R2 & MegaBold pens are both dollar store finds…
Sadly, my favorite pen (Scarlet Lime) is no longer available. If anyone finds one that performs like that, with the same deep black, please point me in the right direction! I tried the FudeBall a while back (what was originally recommended to replace the Scarlet Lime), but it just didn’t hook me. In my opinion, it performed a lot like the dollar store pens for a much higher price. I used a friend’s at the time, so it’s not part of this test page. (I was just told that the Pilot Multiball pen and the Pilot BeGreen Recycled Permaball GellRollerball pen (UK) the same as the Scarlet Lime one… Will have to check both out.)
Does any of that even make sense? Hopefully the pics help…
If you have done something similar (or do it in the future), feel free to show & tell in the comments. If you allow, I will move your test up into the body of this post so it’s all in one place. 😉
I need to read through this again at a later time, but I really liked the vidualization of the flame for healing from abuse. I think it could be used with a wider range of ages, though the blog specifically talks about using it for adolescents.
While each individual’s path of healing is unique, this “healing flame” is a visual representation of factors that contribute to healing for youth who have experienced abuse. It has been adapted from Kate Cavett’s Healing Wheel. It starts with the inner flame and grows outward.
Naming the Abuse. Identifying abusive experiences and naming them can be the first step to healing. Talking to someone about your experiences in relationships can help you to see them in a new light and to identify what you may have initially thought of as “normal” as actually being harmful or abusive. Talking to a trusted friend or adult begins the journey of breaking through the isolation. The Power and Control Wheel can help.
Finding Safety. Once you have identified and named the abuse, it…
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Two years after this post, I am noticing the flashbacks are not as intense all of the time. I have habituated to the triggers to a degree. They are still easily accessed, and still difficult to ground from, but it’s not as much of a confusion of reality anymore (though after reading this post again I find myself slipping back into that feeling-state rather easily. I don’t mean to, it’s just that close to the surface still)…
I’ve certainly dealt with a lot here. Both L and I knew this move would be life-altering in some way, however neither of us knew exactly how. It’s proven to be life-altering on so many levels… L finally escaped the vortex of her draining big-box retail job to find something new. I faced more of the past than I even knew existed… It’s been an eye-opening experience. There’s still a lot to work out around it all though. It’s been over-all positive. I don’t mean the financial worries, the insane depression, the triggers, the flashbacks, or any of that stuff, but it has set both our lives’ onto an adjusted course. Had I not returned and been faced with all of this in a form of unintentional flooding, I don’t think I would have had the breakthroughs I did. I think I would have been struggling with faceless demons for a lot longer. At least now I know what I’m fighting. Now I know what to wade through to be able to come out on the other side…
As stressful as this was, I’m grateful for it. We met wonderful people, learned new things, went places we’ve never been… and I was reminded how much I love the beach ❤
In talking to D today, I finally found a way to describe what it feels like to live here again. We were talking about what is different down here, and how I feel like I can’t ground effectively. I likened it to lucid dreaming – where you know you are dreaming, but are also lost in the dream. That’s what it feels like most days (almost always) to be back here. I have snippets of the past constantly playing out in my head, be it emotions, sensations, or visual flashbacks, there’s always something there. I am aware that it is memories of the past, but I can’t shake them. I live alongside them daily. I am at once 34 and much younger. I remember sights, sounds, and smells. I can feel the sensations in my body. I can tell myself that they are the past. I am aware that they…
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not mine exactly, but the concept of following your dreams…
For almost as long as I can remember (which, admittedly is not all that long), my brother talked about becoming an animator. He kicked ass at art, but hated school. He sucked it up though, and attended a trade school for a degree in 3D animation. He now works at Blue Sky Studios (think the Ice Age series, Rio 1&2, Epic… and now the Peanuts!!). He’s living his dream.
I often told him I was jealous of his abilities. He’s creative and technically sound with his creativity. And he’s super-well-rounded. Heck, his latest “side projects” have included designing & programming a “virtual butler” to automate his cubicle, fabricating survival knives, building a crib for my niece-in-the-works, as well as various other mechanical & technical engineering “dabbles”… I am the stupidest person in my immediate family (I had originally written simply “family”, but I must say I’m miles above bitch). They are all heady & science-minded. My parents read accounting, calculus, law, and quantum physics for fun?!?!!!!… Me? I smear paint on paper and get a headache from anything mathematical. I do have an interest in biology & psych, but neither of those are considered “real” sciences (at least by my father. My mom & bro are cool with it… Hmm, no wonder I like them better 😉 )
Anyway, I digress. The new Peanuts trailer came out recently, and I wanted to share it with you and brag a bit that my very talent brother joins the rest of the very talented Blue Sky team in creating a true-to-2D-but-still-3D rendition of the great Charles Shultz characters. I am so psyched to see this when it comes out. I kinda wish I had put in my resume back in ’12 when they were doing a massive hire, but I didn’t think I’d get anywhere with it. My artistic abilities are squat compared to people who work there… Maybe they would hire me for the front desk? I dunno. Anyway, I want to see the movie when it comes out in November. (apparently, my brother is a lazy butt and won’t walk to the theater on the other side of the studio to watch it, so you are seeing this even before some of the people who worked on it… to his credit, it is quite a walk. The building is huge and maze-like).
I managed some sorting and packing today. I only packed maybe 3 boxes, but there was a bunch more sorting happening. I now have 4 bags plus one box of donations…
My back had it though. I was going to continue, but it put its foot down. I stepped and tweaked something, so I came to have dinner and sit for the evening. It has since stopped twingeing.
I keep having moments of panic around this move. The dogs certainly are feeling anxious. Mom’s dog is incredibly antsy and hyper. The others are starting to pace. Crusher has not been through a move with me, but the other 3 have gone through several… I think mom is also feeling the reality of the move (It’s only like 2.5 weeks away! Que Daffy Duck-esque freak out). There’s just something different about her… I’m trying not to cry too often and too heavily over this. I’m afraid if I let go too much, I will fall completely to pieces. The loss is too compounded and too huge.
I’m also seeing the notation on my calendar that next week is it with TM… 😦 Fuck. I like her. She “gets” me. She’s been able to decode my communication relatively quickly, and she’s up-front about things… She has a way of blending the professional side with the broken side. As much as I’m psyched to be returning to Dr C, I’m sad to be leaving TM. ::sigh::
Ok, gotta do something else now because tears are about to flow uncontrollably. Stuffing in progress…
trying not to let my emotions get the best of me today and cause a total melt-down (though I do agree a release of emotion would be beneficial). I let myself tear up a bit earlier (thanks SG for the pep-talk/butt kicking!), but I have not let other things allow me to fall apart.
there are quite a few barriers to this move still, and trying to get them resolved serves to remind me how much I’ve screwed up in life… but I’m working on it. I kept making calls (after a brief pause to collect myself), and I didn’t let that voice that told me over and over again how hopeless and worthless I am win out.
sure, I want to head out to the store, buy a 12-pack of beer, some limes and coconut water, and drown myself in margaritas and beer, but… well, I don’t have the funds. so going to “drown” myself in my art shortly. plugging in my headset, cranking my ipod, and going to breathe through the rest of the day.
I was up early this morning. I normally am awake, but in bed for several hours before I actually get up. This morning I physically got out of bed before 6:30am. I sat on the patio with the dogs and drank my coffee… the problem with that though, is the panic over this move and the losses kicked in earlier in the day. I did my online stuff already and it’s not even 10 am. I’ve finished all the distractions that normally get me through to 1 pm… now there’s time to think. I really don’t want to think. I don’t want to remember that everything changes in 3 weeks. I don’t want to remember that next week is my last session with TM. I don’t want to tackle the giant task of sorting things, packing them, and moving them. I don’t want to think about the fact that I feel people see my animals as disposable. I don’t want to be aware of any of the losses or changes coming up… and I don’t want to cry.
I suddenly feel very needy today. I want to be a little kid and not worry about anything, only I’m worried about everything.
Maybe if I get the dogs up-&-at-’em, their craziness will provide a distraction for the time being. I could do mani-pedis and give the little guy the haircut he so desperately needs. Then maybe I can clean out the snake cages I’m hoping to sell before the move… and… I don’t know. Hoping that provides enough distraction and draining to allow this panic to abate.