Tag Archives: new therapist

Apologies

I took a muscle relaxer least night after my back went into spasms (was trying to get up to go to the bathroom around 3 am and realized I couldn’t move without excruciating pain). I’m so glad I kept the pills from a few years ago. The first time, L was giving me a massage. When I tried to stand up after she was done, I realized I couldn’t move. Ended up needing to call an ambulance because I couldn’t even flip over to put my top back on. Poor L refuses to give me any more massages… anyway, I had some left over from that time, and it saved me from having to call paramedics last night. It did however kick my ass. I was pretty much comatose till about 1pm. I was ready to pass out again by 6. I have such a low tolerance for meds if I don’t take them often…

Today was a wash for anything productive thanks to the pain killer. I had intended to work more on a journal page I started last night, but I’m still pretty foggy. As it stands, it’s just a background. I have a plan for it, but that wasn’t going to happen today. Maybe tomorrow.

Yesterday, I had called De’s agency to find out if I could get services there again. I was there so long with De, they doubt it, but will leave it up to the clinical supervisor. I think even if she makes an exception, I will decline. I don’t like being an exception… I doubt she will anyway.

I’m still waiting on a call from someone at TL’s agency. I think they assign people in their Wednesday meetings, so maybe I’ll have someone by the end of the week. I really wish I had the insurance or the cash to get someone more experienced. I guess that will have to wait though. If this fails, I suppose I could check into the agency through which I saw D. Their sliding scale was a tad higher, but at least they are an option. I’m getting tired of having to keep starting fresh with someone every few months… oh well. Guess that’s life at the moment.

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Imploded emotions

I think my inner world has imploded (or exploded?) and now is flat… I went from really struggling with everything to just being here, existing. I did some art, wondering if that helped even things out? I want to show De (because she would make more sense of it than TL) but that can’t happen, so I will have to try to explain things to TL… I hate having to go back to origins of things. Samantha Jane made an appearance in the art, as did Dotty. I will have to explain them both to TL. Dotty might be an easier explanation than SJ. Not sure how to safely and accurately explain her without getting some seriously questioning looks from people (and she comes out more when I talk about her. I want to make sure TL will be safe to bring her to. Not sure how that will go. It’s fun trying to explain inner children as separate beings but not truly separate, and still not sound totally loopy to the person hearing the explanation. I think there’s also a measure of protection in not wanting to explain SJ to TL)…

I suddenly really miss De again. It wasn’t even that great of a therapeutic relationship (we seemed to stall around the Duckboy stuff at some point), but she didn’t outwardly judge, and she felt safe. I so need that safe feeling again… and I need to not have to spend energy on explaining histories again. I’m spent on that. I wish TL had all that history stuff and I didn’t have to go through it all again now. I get that she needs to get her own impressions, and she needs to learn, but I need to move forward.

Insomnia’s back again, and I am short on benadryl tonight, so it will be another night of poor sleep. I’ll be a hot mess again by Friday’s session if the lack of sleep continues. I do really badly without sleep…


Not much to say of late

Been quiet lately as I have nothing much to say… waiting for Friday to roll around in hopes that this time I will find some connection with TL. I think I may bring it up to her (the lack of connection) and see what she makes of it. I’m half-heartedly trying to find another therapist, but it’s difficult in these parts. Finances limit me to an agency with a 6 month waiting list (where I had seen De), the agency through which I see TL, and one with a 5 week waiting list (where I had seen D)… I could go to the agency-which-shall-not-be-named, but it’s horrible and I’d rather stick it out with TL, or take the huge wait lists before I try there. Heck, I’d even rather be inpatient then go there (which is saying a lot because inpatient down here is pretty horrible)… so TL it is for the moment. Here’s hoping Friday comes fast, and I get something more out of it. I figured out that the thing that really bothers me about TL is the way her questioning and probing comes of as accusatory. It feels like an attack, though I’m guessing it is not meant as one. Maybe if I tell her it feels like that, we can get somewhere? Maybe some connection will happen, and maybe I’ll start to like her more? I dunno. I might just ask to switch if it doesn’t work with her.


Another first

For the first time I can remember, I’m resentful of therapy. I don’t want to go today. I don’t want to open up. I don’t want to trust her. I don’t want to do this… but then again, I don’t want to do anything right now, and I’m in a helluva bad mood this morning (no benadryl for the first time in a while, which meant no sleep, lots of anxiety, and a whole heap of resentment). Ugh.  Someone shoot me?


Learning is tough

I hate myself right now. I had the opportunity to ask for help, and I stumbled. She asked what I needed, and all I could say was to know if she had earlier time this week. I couldn’t admit to struggling. I couldn’t admit to floundering with everything. I couldn’t form the words needed to be able to ask for extra support, even if it would not be something she could provide…

I can’t do this. Daily I fight the urge to down all my pills, or slice my body to shreds. I talk myself out of careless driving, and other destructive actions. I was too scared that she would suggest the er. I was too scared that I’d wind up hospitalized… I don’t want to wind up hospitalized. I don’t need physical containment, but I know that’s what it would sound like. I need support in figuring out how to turn the overwhelming into something I can handle. Except I don’t know how to say that. I know how to say I’m falling apart; not how to say I’m totally overwhelmed and need help with emotional containment… I still have learning to do. And learning sucks.


Healing is not easy

There are a lot of bumps on the road to recovery. There are lots of slips and slides. Most of the bumps and slips are my own doing. Even with the best of intentions, healing is not easy…

I find myself gaining insight, but unable (or unwilling?) to make changes based on that insight. I see the destructive path some behaviors are taking, but I continue because it’s easier than fighting to make new behaviors work. Fear immobilizes me. I’m afraid of the outcome of trying something new. What if it’s not as effective? What if I can’t figure out how to make it work and the agony is prolonged? What if I keep screwing up my words and I’m continually misunderstood until I can’t make any more efforts to try? What if I keep fucking up? …because I keep fucking up even at things I should be proficient in, forget trying to succeed at something new.

I’m floundering. I’m struggling to figure out how to get needs met that I can’t even reliably identify. All I know is I need support. I don’t know what it looks like. I don’t know how to get it. I tried asking TL for more support, but like I often do with words, I must have screwed it up. I got a week and a half between sessions instead of extra time in the week. I’m just now figuring out that I’m being extra hard on myself because of this. It wasn’t conscious, but I’m “punishing” myself for my lack of competence… My self-talk is harsher than I normally engage in. My temper is hair-trigger. I’m eating and drinking things I wouldn’t normally allow myself all in the same day. It’s making me physically sick. I’ve even considered eating meat again (first time in 2 decades) because I know it would make me sick. I’m all about punishing myself because “I should know better” and be able to pull myself out of this by myself. I shouldn’t need to rely on strangers to hold my hand through the pain. I shouldn’t need to be this dependant on others. I shouldn’t need

Back to needs… I saw a post today on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
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According to him, there are basic needs all humans must have met in order to move through life. I have a few of those going: food, shelter… but I have to stop short of safety. Physically, I’m generally safe (except from myself). Emotionally however, I’m finding very little safety either within myself or from others. It’s something I struggle with daily. It’s something I started to have with De, but that got pulled. I would love to say I have it with my family, but triggers are rampant. I’ve traumatized too many people, and been too traumatized by people. I constantly see hurt and threat around every bend, even if it’s created by me…


Spent

5 days of relentless flashbacks that get progressively worse, these last two days I caved and took ativan to help the intensity. They are still here, but in the background somewhat. Did things I never do: called a crisis line (not just the chats) more than once. Admitted the flashbacks to mom. Sent texts to a resource I never seek out… I have gone through my gamut of healthy coping skills. I have tried them again and again. The memories that are coming up need to be voiced to someone trained to hear them, to know what to do with them, to help me set them aside.

These need to end soon.  I’m so spent. Someone on an online support forum suggested contacting TL and asking for an earlier appointment. Aside of the fact that she pretty much made it clear she won’t see me before my time on Tuesday, I’m not sure what she could do to help. I don’t think she has experience in this. and if she asks me what I think would help, I am not sure I could tell her anything other than to hear them, and help put them away. she better not ask me how to help put them away because I have no idea…

I hate when memories have their own time-table. This stuff was supposed to be saved for a time when I have longer with a therapist, and for someone who knows what to do with it all. For when I have more accesses to supports… but flashbacks and memories have a life of their own. Fuck.

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