I saw this article on my Facebook feed, about a father who sexually abused his daughter several times, but will be spared jail time “for the sake of the family”. I understand the denial and reaction from the family (it sucks, but it’s all too common). What kills me is the court’s validation of that denial (though that doesn’t exactly surprise me either)… I didn’t think I’d have such a strong reaction to it, but it’s hit a nerve.
I’m angry and crying and so sad…
Some of what the family said to gain leniency for the father are things I’ve heard within my own family growing up. While the circumstances were not the same, the denial of abuse among certain family members took the same path…
My heart is breaking for the little girl in that article. I want to run over and protect her myself, since no one else in her life seems to want to do it… regardless of any “evidence” that the dad will not assault anyone else, the kid deserves to feel safe and supported. She shouldn’t be forced to continue to live with her abuser, or to see him ever again. It’s not fair to her (even if she feels she needs to protect him)… her life will never be the same because of him. She will deal with this the rest of her life. Yeah, she may get to a point where she’s more healed and balanced, but she will be forever impacted by not only the sexual abuse, but her family’s rally around dad… who is there rallying for her? She must feel so invalidated and worthless…
What are they teaching their kids with this, that you can break someone, but as long as you’re sorry it’s going to be ok? Bullshit.
It’s not fair… she deserves so much better.
Trauma Makes you Live in a Backwards World
Meanwhile, used to terror or violence, no big challenge ever seems big enough. You miss the warning signs of the big problems because you are focused on avoiding the small ones. Cause and effect in backwards world get disconnected from reality. Even when there is proof around you, you don’t see it, you don’t believe it.
This is a great article. It explains so much about how trauma can cause a person to miss the big stuff because they are so focused on avoiding all the little things that might mean problems.
I saw this on fb…
“I loved you once…”
it can have so many endings:
…but then I remembered.
…and you betrayed me.
…then you used me.
…and I saw your true colors.
…you broke my heart.
…I still love you (and I don’t know why)…
A Letter to My Daughter — From Your Trauma-Recovering Momma. – http://wp.me/p2ohnp-3h4
I saw this about grief, but it can also be true for depression, especially the part about platitudes (and simple things you used to enjoy) being grating…
Also important: the part about remembering to eat. I lose my appetite when really depressed (comes after the stage of eating every comfort food I can get my hands on).
Healing Quotes Littles 567 – http://wp.me/ptHcr-7bC
What I wish people knew, too – http://wp.me/p4w6Vc-hk
This came across my feed and I wanted to share/save it. I really like this page, they have a lot of good info and resources. It’s mostly geared towards professionals, but there’s other resources there also.
Trauma-Informed Creative Arts Therapy Articles
One of the first articles listed is about art journaling as self-help.
Part of an entry from 2 years ago works perfectly again for this week:
had some trouble with some flashbacks earlier today. got through them ok, but they triggered a stirring in my head also. still don’t have a clear picture about what was disturbed, but some of the monsters have been roused from their slumber. they are starting to shift and awaken. not sure I want them awake. don’t know how to get them tucked in all nice again. trying to get through some of it with art. not really getting anywhere with that. don’t have coherent words or phrases to explain them. can’t put pictures to any of it. just sensations right now, moving, shifting, causing sparks. waking more monsters, but they’re slow to rise this time… really wish I had more talent to put them to pictures. wish there were words with which to speak of them.
Only maybe this time the pictures are just grey haze, no form or specifics. Most of what was awoken is still trapped in physical sensations. No words or pictures. And my tongue feels heavy like stone if I try to think of how to describe any of it…
Heard this song on my brother-in-law’s serous xm radio (sometimes he listens to the Disney station for haha’s)… omg, wicked funny!
Was searching and found it on this other blog, zooglobble.com.
Laugh, just be prepared to sing it for the rest of the night.
Ok, so in a (seemingly futile) effort to find an article on parenting to the emotional needs of your child that my brother wanted to read, I keep stumbling across a bunch of other stuff I want to read. I have no time at the moment to devote to the tons of articles I’m finding, however I do want to save them for later. If I simply bookmark them, I’ll never look at them again…
So, in case anyone else is also interested, here’s a dump of some of the stuff I came across today. I have not read any of them yet, so I dunno how useful or interesting they are, but either the topic or title piqued my interest:
now that I have those written down, time to hurry my butt up and get to work – doggie play day!!!! 😀 I love when my boss puts me into camp.
Oh, also, if anyone finds any articles on parenting to the emotional needs of your kids, could you link me to them? a week later and I still can’t find the article I’m looking for. The wealth of info available on the internet is amazing, but quite overwhelming at times!
Got this through my feed and want to save it somewhere for later reference.
Six books that use psychological techniques to help kids (from smithsonian.com)
Also, I picked up some cool finds while tag-saleing this weekend, one of which is an antique (from the 70’s?) book that explains death/grief to kids. I will take some pics when I remember to bring it in from the car.
I came across a blog entry on To Write Love on Her Arms the other day and wanted to share.
I don’t totally agree with all of it all the time, but maybe I need the reminder…
7/4 – just found this also… To Those Who May Not Understand
Powerful read… He Never Hit Me (Huffpost.com)
“By hurting me, he showed me he loved me. He cared enough to go that crazy. He cared so much that he was overwhelmed by anger or jealousy or sadness and simply couldn’t control himself.”
Sometimes I think the hardest thing to integrate is the coexistence of love and abuse… very confusing.
A friend posted this on fb… powerful read on domestic violence relationships…
please read with caution, as it might be triggering for some.
5 things an abused women wants you to know.
so, been following kati morton (an lmft out of california) for a bit now (at least 8 months), and I think she’s a pretty good resource.
a few days ago she posted a video on complex ptsd… I may or may not have cried watching it…
check her out. she’s a good resource. she’s got her own community site, is on facebook & twitter, and has an enormous library of videos on mental health…
An article on self-compassion and understanding your limits was definitely something I needed to read today.
The last few days have me slamming hard into my own limits around processing my trauma. I am working towards acknowledging them to myself, and admitting them to TM (as much as I don’t want to in the moment because it means we will need to tweak our approach). I certainly want to push past my limits, but I need to do so carefully. I really wish I could keep seeing her for longer, and maybe a bit more often to help move past this, but therapy has its own limits and boundaries.
On another note, a friend pointed out something to me last night that was hard to hear, but definitely something that needs addressing. She was suggesting some coping strategies that I have used in the past, but have become huge triggers in the last year (mindfulness around breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation… well, they were always triggers, but not this intense in the past. I could utilize at least breathing techniques in the presence of someone I trusted. I can no longer do that without triggering or intensifying flashbacks). My problem comes from the memories that have surfaced recently. In them, I would pretend to sleep in order to “get it over with” faster. Pretending to sleep involved slowing my breath and relaxing my muscles so the person would believe I was asleep… I didn’t understand why these two techniques were so difficult for me until last year, when the cognitive memories started accompanying the physical and emotional ones. Since then, my reactions to the two techniques are incredibly intense and visceral. In the past, I would panic when I tried them, but I was able to try them without my whole body shaking; not so much any more. I know I need to work on this, but I’m not totally sure how. Time with TM is limited in so many ways, and there is so much to cover. 😦
Anyway, back to the article on self-compassion. It can be found here on GoodTherapy.org. While their articles are often geared towards professionals in the field, they have a wealth of articles for clients, friends, and family. I don’t always agree with what they post, but some are spot on, like the one mentioned.
Another article that resonates, so I wanted to share.
With my recent trauma processing with TM, so much of this is in the forefront of my experiencing. Even the unintentional trauma of watching those who are supposed to protect you go at it brings up a fear that is so shattering. It’s nice to see that there is understanding growing in the field. I remember trying to explain some of the effects to clinicians, and it simply not being understood for the full impact. This also explains a lot around my issues with attachment. Yes, members of my family were not abusive, but those who were overshadowed their efforts… It was never safe… Poor TM, she is getting the brunt of those fears lately.
found at GoodTherapy.org right here.
Funny how when I get overwhelmed with my own stuff, my “profeesional” side kicks in. I take a detached and intellectual jaunt through all of the professional resources I keep around… It’s just much easier than being mired in my own emotional mess.
Anyway, I stumbled across this list of books for kids that deal with grief. I may have to find some of them (especially the pop-up ones, OMG, pop-up books are the best!!!!!… ok, putting my inner child away now).
the list is on brainpickings.org. It’s a site I’ve liked articles from in the past, but never really ventured through. One day it might be worth the wander.
anyway, the list can be found here… One that piqued my personal interest was The Flat Rabbit(public library) by Bárður Oskarsson