Monthly Archives: June 2013

just not comfortable

I’m totally antsy and restless today. I want to go out and play with plants, but I don’t have the cash to buy any at the moment… and no one wants to tag along to the flea market “just to look” so I feel totally trapped. Anyone else get that way? It’s like my brain suddenly has energy in excess, so I can’t sit still. I wish there was more to do, and I wish I was more into messing with the vivs I have at the moment instead of dreaming up what else I can make… I do have an empty one that needs to be set up for one of the juvi cresteds that has outgrown his current set-up. Maybe I will do that and make it a nice jungle in there. I still have some plants on the patio that were supposed to go into vivs but have yet to find a home. Maybe that will be a good project to keep me occupied for a bit.

So what’s everyone north american’s respective holiday week/weekend look like? I will be rounding up the cats at night (if I can) because the fireworks freak them out, and over here people do them all week long…
Ugh!! BORED!!!!!

BPD rearing it’s ugly head

So, if you know me, you know that I am adamantly against the BPD diagnosis I received a while ago.  I hate it and it brings with it a lot of stigma.  I get a lot of flack from psychiatrists, especially in hospitals, for the diagnosis, and there’s little understanding.  They often ignore the PTSD and depression pieces once they hear or see the BPD diagnosis. I get treated like everything I do is simply to annoy others and to get attention (the farthest thing from the truth)… It’s just that sometimes I scare myself, so I freak out and reach out desperately trying to grasp on to any shred of hope or help.  It makes a lot of people hate me…

That being said, the BPD traits are totally screwing with me right now.  I go through crazy mood swings that have me being ok one moment, and wanting to destroy myself the next.  The rage I feel never comes out, but I feel it inside and it drives me crazy (hence the self-destruction).  I also vacillate between hating my therapist, and desperately needing to talk to him about the things in my head.  I forget the things that make me mad at him, or the things I need to talk to him about pretty much as soon as the emotion passes.  I try to write it all down in emails, but I feel bad about sending him a ton of emails in the span of a few days, so I try to send them all to myself and compile them before our session to send it all at once.  Only I no longer feel connected to it after a few days.  So a lot doesn’t get to him… I also don’t want to be that BPD client… I try to rein it in, but it’s really hard sometimes.

I struggle with wanting to be liked, and having this diagnosis means a lot of people will not like me because of all the stupid things I do… and it means dealing with a ton of stigma from mental health professionals (and it means that when I can’t figure out how to keep it under wraps, I lose a lot of people from my life).  No wonder I don’t have friends and everyone thinks I’m hopeless… I really am 😦

phrases I could do without ever hearing again

~you’re not trying hard enough… if you just tried harder…
~stop obsessing/don’t think about it
~just be positive/just choose to be happy
~it’s all in your head
~just don’t do it
~do something else, even if it doesn’t work a million times, it may work on try 1,000,001
~don’t let her get to you
~you are an adult and in control
~don’t get lost in the emotion, just don’t go there

Changing your Inner Landscape

I followed up with K this week about the whole concept of changing one’s inner landscape, and how it helps…

I have to admit, I wasn’t paying too much attention, because I launched back into my own inner landscape pretty fast.  Please bare with me as I likely have this stuff a bit wrong.

The gist of what she said was that visualizing our inner landscapes and being able to change it/cultivate a positive landscape helps a person identify less adamantly with the negative landscape.  It was something along the lines of also helping identify what else you need in your life to get you to where you want to be in life.  She spoke about adding items or taking them away, and what that metaphorical change would represent in real life.

With my particular landscape (blogged about here), she challenged me to look at the tree that I saw a dead and charred, and see the beauty and growth in it.  She said she saw movement and potential there.  I still don’t see what she sees, but whatever.  She then asked me what I would change in the landscape – what would I add or make different.  My answer was to change all of it; to wipe it out and start again in a beach scene by the water with palm trees gently swaying in the breeze, and coconuts dropping from the trees.  It would have my animals around, and my wife there under one of the trees (and because I often take uncomfortable situations and break the tension with humor, I said that occasionally a coconut would fall on L’s head and she would have a Newton-esque moment of realization as she is falling asleep in the peace of the scene).

We did not get into what the implications are of changing the entire scene, but I’m suddenly again reminded of the quote from How To Train Your Dragon where Hiccup is told of people’s displeasure with “all of this” and they gesture to the whole of him, implying that he needs a core change.  I think I need a change like that.  I need to start fresh and wipe out all that is here now, and build something totally new.  I’m not quite sure how to do that, or if it’s even possible, but I feel that dissatisfied with myself.  I know my experiences make me the person I am today, but I would prefer to be less socially awkward and strange.  I would like to be more balanced and in touch with all that is good, not all that is bad… That would involve a complete re-scaping of myself, and a re-working of all the connections in my brain that make things go so awry.  I wish I had that opportunity right now, while I have the energy and drive to do it.  I know in the movie they showed that he had his own talents to bring to the table, but I feel like I just need a total re-programming because mine is so full of glitches and errors in coding.

Back Off

sometimes others need reminders… I wish I had this for that dumb-ass psychiatrist at New Britain General when he insisted I did it for attention… fucker.

lost hope from others as well

I know I don’t have hope for myself much of the time, but it sucks so much worse when others lose hope also.  It’s like everyone expects me to fail at recovery and healing… it really sucks to hear it from professionals.  Why bother trying if the people paid to keep me on track all believe that I am never going to change, and that ultimately, I will kill myself anyway.  Sometimes I feel like my wife is the only person who believes there is good in me, and that I can get out of this hole I so frequently find myself in.  I understand their concern for her well-being, but thanks for dismissing me altogether like that.

Am I really as hopeless as I believe myself to be?  Am I really doomed to take my own life?  Because if so, someone please tell me they know for sure, and then just let me do it.  Don’t force me to struggle through all of this if it inevitably ends with me offing myself.  Don’t make me go to the hospital, don’t force drugs on me, don’t put me through traumatic treatments if it’s all going to fail anyway and I’m just going to be dead.  Let’s all cut our losses and end it here and now.  Cuz really, how else am I supposed to interpret the loss of hope even from professionals?

Today’s blog was supposed to be about my poor communication skills, and recognizing that I have a lot of work to do on that front.  It was supposed to be me recording for myself that I communicate poorly through words because so much of my stuff is rooted in non-verbal.  Much of it is emotions I have no name for, or even true concept of what they are.  And it’s pictures and flashes of images.  It’s verbatim fights between family members, but ones I can’t translate, just feel.  It’s stuff I have no words for, so of course the words fail me when I try to describe or convey it to anyone.  A lot is lost in the translation in my head from thought to word.  This is especially true if I happen to be caught in the emotion.  I have much more trouble finding words amid turmoil than I do when detached from it, even by a few minutes.  And I long ago learned that speaking was dangerous.  Being heard meant that you could get in trouble for what was overheard (especially if it was snippets of conversation).  I learned, quite literally, that having a voice meant being in danger.  I think that is why writing comes so much easier.  It was something I did in private, and left little to misinterpretation because it was all in one spot and accessible more than once.

Writing was also the only way I had to explain myself.  I can’t seem to get across to people what it’s like growing up trying to explain yourself only to be silenced by the phrase “Don’t talk back!”  I heard that from just about every adult in my life, and often.  It’s no mystery why I have trouble standing up for myself in the moment (and verbally) as an adult.   If every time you tried to explain a situation or misunderstanding you were told to stop talking because nothing you say could make things any better, you soon learn to just stop talking.  If every protest or attempt at clarification yielded yelling and anger, it stands to reason that you start shutting up to keep from being in trouble.

I know physically I am an adult, but emotionally, I got stuck somewhere in my childhood.  Much of the time, I don’t see myself as an adult, but as a child that needs to bow down and make everything right.   It’s my responsibility to fix everything, and it’s my responsibility to shut up and take it when people see things go wrong.  There are times I feel more adult, but much of the time I feel like a kid in my head.  I look at this body and wonder where it came from.  I see my face in the mirror, and hold no connection to it.  It’s the weirdest feeling, to be foreign in your own body; to have such a lack of substance in your head contrasted with the very real substance of a human body.  And that goes beyond the “not grown up” feeling in my head.  The disconnect is more of a shock that there is actually anything corporeal there at all, let alone a grown-up.   How do you explain to people that, inside, you are still 5, 6, 10, 17 when your body is so much older?  How do you even begin to tackle the concept of being emotionally and mentally stuck as a child, when you have to look and act like an adult?  This wasn’t as apparent a problem when I lived up north, but down here, I can’t escape that sensation… Maybe more of that can be explained through dissociation, I don’t really know.  I used to know.  I used to have a good handle on this stuff, but that was when I was an adult. It’s all very confusing now, and the details of my training blur, and the details of that understanding blurs.  It truly sucks.

And we are back to hopelessness – both external and internal.


I don’t know what to think about therapy any more…  I think I lost all faith in D today. He was so busy trying to convince me not to dissociate, that he missed why I was doing it.  He didn’t ask, but forged ahead with something he thought was being helpful, but it really just made a huge rift in our relationship.  I know I’m difficult.  I know things are a huge drama with me.  I know I’m frustrating.  But if a client tells you they are putting up protection against something, maybe ask why they feel they need it.  He just told me not to go there and told me I don’t need my protection.  When someone fears something like that, maybe it’s a good idea to figure out what exactly they fear before telling them not to fear it… I didn’t want to talk to him after that.  I didn’t even want to make another appointment, but wanted to tell him I’d call him if I needed (I let him suggest next week and went with it)…

I ended up emailing him after I left.  He called to talk, but my phone was still on silent and I missed it.  I did not want to talk to him right then.  I had no words.  I told him in a second email that maybe we’d talk about it on Monday…  The icon on my phone for his caller ID is Beaker (the Muppet) Meep’ing away.  I put it up because way back when we started I didn’t feel like he understood what I was saying.  For a while I thought things had changed, but again I feel like I’m not saying anything in a way that makes sense to him… I’ve only felt this way about one other therapist.  Sometimes you just don’t click I guess.  He’s a nice guy and all, and I know he truly cares about his work and his clients, but I just don’t feel understood by him, and it feels like more than my usual inability to communicate well.  😦  I feel like such an alien.