Monthly Archives: July 2014

Delta sleep system is working for the dogs…

…but not so much for me. I woke about an hour ago because one of the dogs needed to pee, and I can’t get back to sleep. I’m just here listening to the ambient noise of the delta sleep tracks, but it’s not helping me sleep at all. I wonder if I play “Breathe” by Telepopmusic on my phone as well as the delta sleep tracks, maybe that would help? It can’t really hurt at this point (and if it does I can simply turn it off). Here’s hoping for more than 3 hours of sleep tonight…

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Imploded emotions

I think my inner world has imploded (or exploded?) and now is flat… I went from really struggling with everything to just being here, existing. I did some art, wondering if that helped even things out? I want to show De (because she would make more sense of it than TL) but that can’t happen, so I will have to try to explain things to TL… I hate having to go back to origins of things. Samantha Jane made an appearance in the art, as did Dotty. I will have to explain them both to TL. Dotty might be an easier explanation than SJ. Not sure how to safely and accurately explain her without getting some seriously questioning looks from people (and she comes out more when I talk about her. I want to make sure TL will be safe to bring her to. Not sure how that will go. It’s fun trying to explain inner children as separate beings but not truly separate, and still not sound totally loopy to the person hearing the explanation. I think there’s also a measure of protection in not wanting to explain SJ to TL)…

I suddenly really miss De again. It wasn’t even that great of a therapeutic relationship (we seemed to stall around the Duckboy stuff at some point), but she didn’t outwardly judge, and she felt safe. I so need that safe feeling again… and I need to not have to spend energy on explaining histories again. I’m spent on that. I wish TL had all that history stuff and I didn’t have to go through it all again now. I get that she needs to get her own impressions, and she needs to learn, but I need to move forward.

Insomnia’s back again, and I am short on benadryl tonight, so it will be another night of poor sleep. I’ll be a hot mess again by Friday’s session if the lack of sleep continues. I do really badly without sleep…


Not much to say of late

Been quiet lately as I have nothing much to say… waiting for Friday to roll around in hopes that this time I will find some connection with TL. I think I may bring it up to her (the lack of connection) and see what she makes of it. I’m half-heartedly trying to find another therapist, but it’s difficult in these parts. Finances limit me to an agency with a 6 month waiting list (where I had seen De), the agency through which I see TL, and one with a 5 week waiting list (where I had seen D)… I could go to the agency-which-shall-not-be-named, but it’s horrible and I’d rather stick it out with TL, or take the huge wait lists before I try there. Heck, I’d even rather be inpatient then go there (which is saying a lot because inpatient down here is pretty horrible)… so TL it is for the moment. Here’s hoping Friday comes fast, and I get something more out of it. I figured out that the thing that really bothers me about TL is the way her questioning and probing comes of as accusatory. It feels like an attack, though I’m guessing it is not meant as one. Maybe if I tell her it feels like that, we can get somewhere? Maybe some connection will happen, and maybe I’ll start to like her more? I dunno. I might just ask to switch if it doesn’t work with her.


Another first

For the first time I can remember, I’m resentful of therapy. I don’t want to go today. I don’t want to open up. I don’t want to trust her. I don’t want to do this… but then again, I don’t want to do anything right now, and I’m in a helluva bad mood this morning (no benadryl for the first time in a while, which meant no sleep, lots of anxiety, and a whole heap of resentment). Ugh.  Someone shoot me?


nothing

I feel like I have nothing useful or “interesting” to say lately.  I keep going back to the thought of really not liking TL and not sure I can work with her.  I’ll give tomorrow’s session a go, and see where we stand from there, but I still get the impression that I am a nuisance to her.  I don’t want to disclose anything else to her.  I don’t want to talk about anything meaningful.  My walls have gone up hard and fast in reference to her.  I’m not sure why…

Actually, I think the walls around my inner self have gone up hard and fast.  I’m blocking it out because it doesn’t feel like I have meaningful support right now.  Without that, I’ll fall apart easily.  It’s scary inside right now, but I can’t access it, so I can’t describe it or know what to do to change it… I really miss De right now….


Grumble grumble grumble

TL called out sick today and rescheduled for Saturday.  It was so difficult getting to today. Now I have to get to Saturday.  Ugh. Going to try working on some art. Need some sort of release…

In the mean time, I’m tired but can’t sleep, so going the benadryl route again.  No ativan left because was using that to tame the body memories (didn’t have all that much left, barely 8 doses).  Now just going to utilize the benadryl. Hope it works…


Wtj: ugly draw

 

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Demons always win.