Monthly Archives: December 2012

triggering

Trying to figure what it is about me that tries to trigger myself,  not so that I will cut, but because I need that feeling to come and go.  I watch movies with a very prominent self-injury or abuse component to them.  I listen to music that  is at once triggering and comforting.  I battle with myself about reaching out.  I want to give voice to all the dysfunction in my head, but I’m afraid of the consequences.  I want to let people in, but I’m scared.  So I crave that feeling to have a definite end to it with the change in song or the end of the movie.  It gives the wave of emotion a forced, set path to follow.  It gives me somewhat of a sense of control; and I desperately need that when I start to feel out of control.

I had written earlier that I was kicking myself for not taking the opportunity to talk earlier on today.   I still am.  I toy with calling back and trying to talk to her again.  I toy with calling a hotline and being upfront that I am not suicidal, but I want to self-harm.  I’m scared because I don’t know what that will bring from a stranger in a new state.  I just know I need to reach out some more and I need more support than I can give myself.  I could talk to my wife more, but I don’t want to scare her.  I could talk to my mom, but the same is true… I need someone to talk to that will have a certain level of detachment that can hear me out… I need someone that is strong enough to listen to what I have to say and hear it all, and tell me how fucked-up I am…  And I don’t want to end up in the hospital… But I’m afraid that the knee-jerk reaction would be to send me there.  It’s a holiday, I don’t want to waste their time…  and I really just want someone I can take the risk of talking to without having to see the disgust on their face and the horror in their eyes as I spill the contents of my head… I don’t want them to see me either.  I don’t want them to notice the smile play across my lips at the thought of hurting myself and the thought of the relief it would bring, even if just for a moment, since shame and guilt set in pretty much immediately after I realize that someone may find out… and think of how messed-up I am…  But the thoughts are supremely comforting, even if the act would bring ridiculous consequences that I know I don’t want or need…


I guess I was on the right track…

Managed to talk to my old therapist a bit today.  She said that my symptoms fit the diagnosis of Dissociative Disorder NOS.  The split is there,  but not full-fledged people.  And I have a very difficult time connecting the two sides when I’m in either (hence this blog).  It’s more pronounced here.  It’s a physical feeling when I switch from one to the other.  It’s a feeling of falling through ice into freezing water when I get to the “dark” side (strangely comforting, not necessarily a panic, but a relief because I know what comes next); and the feeling of patching a wall when I come back here.  It’s relatively sudden (a matter of minutes) and I lose touch with what was before… it’s a weird feeling,  and quite strong since I moved back to where I grew up.  Someone plugged in the amp… I don’t want it to progress like it has been.   That would lead to some scary shit…

I keep trying to reach out,  but fear prevents me from opening up too much… I’ve had the chance again today,  but when asked that crucial question,  I said no.  I am not suicidal,  but I do sometimes want to hurt myself… not to die,  but to let the emotion bleed out with the injury… Only I’m afraid if I said that, they would be obligated to send me to the emergency room… because I said I want to hurt myself… so they are legally obligated to act on that… and it’s nowhere near what I want to do, but they may get sued, so I would be sent to sit in an er waiting room for hours on end just to try to convince them that I will not hurt myself… I’ve played that game before because most places don’t understand self-injury even though it’s become a hot-button topic in the last decade or so.  Legalities and all… and I don’t know the total scope of the laws in this state that could get me committed against my will.  I know it is fairly easy to get at least a 72-hour hold by anyone that suspects you to be even a remote danger to yourself… self-injury would fall under that category to someone who is not familiar with it’s stress-release capabilities…  So I stay quiet…  and I fight it on my own hoping that the dissociation won’t get as bad as it was last year when I “spaced out” for 2 days and ended up being hospitalized…


How to make a difference

Do you ever just sit and wonder…? every choice we make,  even the smallest decision can take us miles off our course,  or miles down in the direction we want to go.  How often do we ponder the meaning of the choices we make? Leaving a moment early or late can make the difference between getting where we are going safely or winding up in a car accident… making a call and asking for a break vs never making it out of the house… it’s the little things that make the biggest difference.   The smile to the lost soul, the wave to the lonely old lady… stepping over the bug instead of on it… all those things can save a life…


Healthcare issues

I thought mental health services were crappy in my old state, but they were amazing compared to here. It’s really sad… and I am getting mixed messages from the insurance company. I have received a ton of paperwork from them, and they sent me some confirmations, but I don’t think I actually have any insurance… I was hoping I could log in on the internet and miraculously find my account number so I could find a therapist finally… no such luck. and it’s a holiday, so I have no hope of talking to anyone for another 4 days or so… I wish the big box store hadn’t screwed over my wife… maybe we would be in a better space right now (I know we would be…) so frustrated…


why…

is it so fucking hard to just find someone professional to talk to?! 2 crisis lines that have since been disconnected, 3 places that are not taking new clients or you have to be on state to get in… UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m not suicidal.  I don’t feel the need to call a suicide hotline just so I can talk to someone and not fall apart in the next few days.  That’s really all I want, just to talk to someone… why is that too much to ask?


This is that point

Where I need to remember the light side… the chaos is fast and furious in my head. .. not really sure how to slow it down…

I pull out my analytical side to combat the chaos, but it doesn’t work that well. The dissociation of one from the other is huge… the rift can be so severe… my panic mode is kicking in, and the other side of me desperately tries to take the reins to keep me on track… No falling apart. Patchwork going on to cover the cracks and keep things in check for another few hours. It’s amazing what our brains can do to to keep us functioning when we fear the outcome of our current trajectory…

Maybe I am DID in some respects, just not as disconnected with fully formed personalities… maybe I’m just more integrated than the average DID person. The change can come on so fast in the way my brain thinks. The analytical, disconnected side can take over to hold things together until the last possible moment… there definitely are two very distinct sides to me… this one steps in and calms me down when I’m about to break… it’s the more adult, mature side that needs to be proper and collected at all times. The other side feels more frazzled and fragile… and smaller. She feels more vulnerable and young… is that where Samantha Jane went?

___________________________________________________________

It just hit me: I was never young. Let me clarify that… when asked about my inner child, there is no young version of me that I identify with… my inner child was always Samantha Jane (in that he or she was always 6 or younger). When my therapist asked me where the young me was, I mentally freaked and could not identify with a young me. All memories carry with them varying degrees of dissociation, but never have I been able to connect my name with a younger me… the image in my head of a young me is also very different than the actual me… it’s weird and I don’t think I’m explaining it well… I was there watching, but never really fully part of the memories… most of them any way. The person I am today for most of the time is far from that terrified little girl. That part never integrated…


I don’t have a good title for this

I’m feeling really overwhelmed by all this.  I don’t know what to do next,  but at least that clinician calling me so many times with different options made me feel a bit better… maybe I’m not so worthless afterall. If a perfect stranger cares enough to work so hard to figure out a solution,  there must be some value to me… maybe?

I don’t have my hopes up about the clinic getting back to me any time soon though… just going to have to struggle through this myself for a while and hope I don’t crack along the way…