Happy New Year’s Eve Day!

(did that make sense?)

So, I’m not going to do a re-cap or anything… 2013 had its ups and downs, and now it’s over.  Good.

2014 will be better.  Growth is happening, change is always happening.  It has to get better.

Today is being spent no different from any other day.  L has to work tomorrow (early – 5am), so we won’t be doing much tonight.  I’m ok with that.  I outgrew partying a few years ago.  I’m sure I will be up with my insomnia, but I don’t think I will be worrying about the clock hitting midnight.

No flashbacks yet today, so it’s a good day.  I’m hoping tomorrow will follow the way today has gone so the year will start off on the right foot.  I need it to go well.  I need to get past all this trauma crap, and resume living my life as a productive member of society.  I’m so over being the “crazy wife”…

Anyway, happy new year all.  Hope it’s a good one.

disconnect

had some trouble with some flashbacks earlier today.  got through them ok, but they triggered a stirring in my head also.  still don’t have a clear picture about what was disturbed, but some of the monsters have been roused from their slumber.  they are starting to shift and awaken. not sure I want them awake. don’t know how to get them tucked in all nice again.  trying to get through some of it with art. not really getting anywhere with that.  don’t have coherent words or phrases to explain them.  can’t put pictures to any of it.  just sensations right now, moving, shifting, causing sparks. waking more monsters, but they’re slow to rise this time… really wish I had more talent to put them to pictures.  wish there were words with which to speak of them. wish De was back so maybe some of it could be understood.  teetering on the question of whether to reach out or just sit tight.  thinking sitting tight will work still, it’s not bad enough (or even threatening to be that bad any time soon) to warrant disturbing others.  just going to hold on.

wishing I was different.  wishing there was better communication between what’s buried and what’s conscious.  and things going scream in the night do not help at all.  finally started sleeping last night.  dreams made it feel like awake time.  can’t seem to get enough sleep to make up for what was lost over the last few weeks.  but at the same time, there’s fear of sleeping because the dreams are so compelling.  just want to get rest.  want to actually feel rested.

graphic pictures floating around when they do come.  not sure anyone should know the details of them.  would put them on paper, but they’re scary to others.  wishing there was metaphor to be used.  nothing’s come yet.  just those really graphic images. don’t want to have to explain them.  don’t want to have to show them.  so they stay inside.

really craving hurt again.  thoughts fluctuate between thoughts and cravings.  desire to be hurt because it’s what’s right.  know it’s mixed up signals. can hear De’s voice explaining it.  doesn’t change the desire.  wish there was relief without action first.  dunno.  holding out because it’s what’s supposed to be done.  really just want to hide away in art.  wish it would happen already.  so many topics to express, so little by way of expression…

When The Truth Comes Out The Demons Will Play- Pt. 1

wow, very powerful, especially the last paragraph…
“I’ve heard that some people have tried to put themselves in my shoes but you really can’t. Most people I know don’t wake up everyday wishing they had stopped breathing over night. Most people don’t look at their body and see scars of past pain or red lines from the present. Most people don’t go through the world looking at the ground, afraid that they’ll be seen. Most people don’t know what its like to not feel, to know something is wrong but not be able to describe it. You don’t feel happy, you don’t feel sad. I don’t even like using the word numb. That word still doesn’t describe the feeling. The feeling of just nothing. You’re not calm, you’re not stressed, you’re angry but you’re not happy, you can’t cry but you can’t smile, you can’t move but, well, you can’t move. When this happens, your body isn’t yours anymore. Your body belongs to depression.”

a neither-world

I hit a void of feeling.  It’s not numb, because I would describe numb as knowing there’s feeling behind a wall, but I have no access to it.  This is different.  I am not aware of any emotion even in the background.  I feel flat.  It’s not a depressed flat, but literally a flat, emotionless feeling.  I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I’m not depressed, I’m not frustrated.  It just feels like cotton has replaced my brain… I dislike this a lot.  It’s triggering self-harm thoughts because I at least know what to do with blood.  (I’m not going to follow through on the thoughts, but they are there).  And I don’t really want to do anything.  I would say it’s a restless feeling, but even that is not quite right.  Restless also implies some sort of emotion or drive behind it.  This has nothing.  I’m just not interested in anything at all.  Nothing holds my attention.  Nothing is compelling enough to do.  De had asked me to work on some art stuff and expression for the weeks she was gone.  I can’t even do that.  There’s no connection to anything I would want to express.  We went to the Japanese gardens yesterday.  I had taken my camera, but nothing struck me as photo-worthy.  I deleted most of the pictures I took, and am not all that impressed with any of the ones that are left.  I have yet to really use the colored pencils L gave me for Christmas.  There’s just nothing to draw or color that brings about anything other than boredom and a desire to walk away from it all.  I start out hoping to paint or sculpt, but I end up sitting at things just staring.

I hate this disconnect.  Art doesn’t bring relief, nor does nature or the animals.  I’m at a loss.  And De is not back till the end of next week…

My head is numb. Thoughts are not forming. It feels like cotton is the only thing filling the cavity where by brain should be. I want to be creative, but nothing comes. I want to pay attention to anything, but I can’t get past the “cotton”… and I’m cranky. I’m not sure why, but it’s here. It hit hard and fast. I really dislike all of this. And I wish I knew what was going on. Is this the benadryl after-effects? Is it my lack of sleep catching up to me? Ugh.

I love the way this guy writes…

I may be a bit biased (and would love to have him as my individual T), but I really like the way he explains things… Check out Becoming Superman and Dr. Doyle’s latest blog entry on flashbacks.

These things can be scary. In addition to the fact that they seem to come out of nowhere, sometimes with very little rhyme or reason, they also seem to take advantage of every sense modality in our brains in order to recreate those old experiences as vividly as possible. It’s not just that you’re “thinking about” or “remembering” something from the past; it’s like you’ve been thrown into a 3D IMAX theater with THX surround sound, and they’re pumping in the proper scents and odors through the ventilation system, and they’ve also hijacked every nerve in your body so you actually feel the experience in your muscles and on your skin. Oh, and you feel like you’re fucking strapped into your seat. There’s that.

It’s not always exactly like that, of course. Just like any symptom, there’s a spectrum of intensity to flashbacks. But flashbacks have an added dimension that make them extra special and fun: there are times we may not even know we’re experiencing a flashback until, you know, we’re curled up in a little ball, either emotionally or physically. A flashback is often not like a sneeze, where it immediately, obviously interrupts what you’re doing. It can creep up on you, begin in your gut, or in your visual cortex, or in your limbic system. By the time we realize we’re disconnected from the present (a symptom we psychology types call “dissociation,” because we’ve temporarily lost our clear connection or association to the people, things, and context around us), we’re sometimes so far down the rabbit hole that we don’t immediately remember how to think our way out.

And good luck explaining all of the above to someone who’s never had flashbacks, of course. “It’s just a memory! It’s in the past! Why are you so upset about it?” Yeah. Kiss my ass.

He thinks a lot like I do, but explains so much better than I ever could!

I admitted something I never expected…

… and it’s not what you may think: I told my wife that I had actually seriously considered giving up our little dog on more than one occasion.  The people who know me in real life would know how incredibly out of character this admission is, but the rest of you may not quite get the full impact.  My animals are my children, and my dogs are held highest of all of them.  My little dog (we shall call him “Fred” to protect his real identity) is joined at the hip to my lab.  He would not know how to survive without her (he is a totally different dog when he is separated from her, shaking and moping even when it’s just for a few hours).  When he’s near her though, he is a little punk.  He has been known to kill cats, and will try for the kill any chance he gets.  We had managed to get that under a measure of control a while ago, but he’s back to his antics again (totally our fault).  Recently, out large male cat has decided to move in with a couple at the other end of the neighborhood.  We think this is because a few weeks ago, Fred managed to slip between my legs and chase the cat, most likely cornering him and hurting him in some way.  After that incident, the cat refused to return to the house.  Today, we had to go pick him up after the couple trapped him in their garage.  I feel bad for him (and our other cats).  They are social.  They miss spending time with us.  They miss the cuddles, and so do I.  I really love Fred, but he’s such a pain in the butt.  I won’t actually move to give him up (I would also be forced to give up the lab who happens to be my favorite dog), but I just need to remind myself that consistency matters a lot, especially with Fred.  There are some dogs you can be more lax with, but then there are the ones that will become a menace if allowed to take any hint of leadership.  Sadly, we give Fred a lot of room to walk all over us.  I need to remember what my trainer friend told me and keep him on a short leash (figuratively).

Knowing that I admitted out loud that I have considered re-homing Fred has messed with my head a bit.  Like I said, my dogs are my kids.  To seriously think of giving one up has only ever been admitted when I was suicidal.  I have moved more times than I can count to be able to keep my pets.  I have bent over backwards and given up a lot to have them in my life.  To know I actually thought of re-homing that little punk because he upsets the rest of the family dynamic has my head spinning…There’s a voice in my head screaming at me; telling me I’m worthless and useless and I just don’t care.  There’s judgement beyond belief for even having the thoughts.  There’s fear and resentment, and there’s anger.  The anger comes not only from what other people think of all the animals, but also from my changing attitudes.  They still fill a void, but I’m finding that they also create a whole lot of drama.  My depression makes it hard to motivate to do anything beyond the basics for them.  They are going stir-crazy, and we are all slacking on the training (especially for the puppy).  I find myself becoming angry at them for misbehaving when it’s all my fault for not being consistent and giving them what they need.  I’m turning more and more into my father, and I hate myself for it…

I look around myself and see all this material crap that I really don’t want anymore.  It feels like all of this is weighing me/us down.  I wish I didn’t waste money on a lot of this crap.  I wish I didn’t have piles and piles of “junk” lying around… I wish I had motivation to take care of things.  And I wish I knew how to remember to save money.  The animals need more flea stuff, and they need to get out of the house.  If I had the money, I would have gotten the puppy training also.  There are a bunch of behaviors I just don’t know how to tackle anymore, nor do I have the energy to try.  The same with Fred.  And I hate myself a lot.  I know I made this commitment to them, but I’m not following through…  I know the steps to take for some of it, but the energy and motivation disappear quickly.  The more I fall into the cycle of wanting to do things but failing, then being hard on myself for it, the more I just feel like crap about everything. I start spiraling down a litany of things that I see wrong with myself: my weight, my social life, my motivation, my lack of working, my self-worth, my worth to others… De is right that I get trapped in my thinking and it just makes everything worse.  But then there’s that tiny voice in my head that whispers possible solutions… Maybe it’s time to start with baby steps to fix things…

100-theme challenge 2014

I have participated in 100-theme challenges twice now, and I really liked some of what I produced because of them.  This year however, I wanted to put my own spin on things.  I wanted to come up with one myself.  A lot of my list can be interpreted in therapeutic ways (though admittedly, some were inspired by objects/events in the living room at the time of its creation), so I thought I would post it here in case anyone wants to participate.  The rules are simple: interpret the prompt however you see fit.  You can choose to post your work publicly somewhere, or keep it to yourself.  It can be in any form you wish as long as it can be considered creative in some way (drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, music, sounds, pictures, words, collages, performance, anything).  It’s really just supposed to give you topics you may not have thought of on your own to help spark creativity… I have liked the challenges in the past because I did things I never expected to do.  It forced me to take time out for creativity and story-telling.  Since I have been focusing more on my own art therapy of late, I figured this next one could be a way to help me express to De what I need to get out.  I will try to post anything I do of relevance.  I must warn you however, I go in spurts with these things.  Sometimes a whole bunch of work will show up at once, other times, there will be months without anything.  What I’m trying to say is: don’t hold your breathe for me to get the list finished in a timely manner.  I have had 2013’s list for the past year and only this past month have I started it…  I really liked that list though, so I will continue working on that one as well (rather than incorporate stuff from that list into this one).

Without further adieu, here’s my 2014 100-theme challenge:

1) candlelight

2) magnified

3) left standing

4) aftermath

5) breaking ground or ground breaking?

6) reaching out

7) trust

8) broken

9) in the daylight (everything is different)

10) rats in the walls

11) shattered

12) open to interpretation

13) flashbacks

14) heaviness

15) lighter than air

16) combustion

17) lights

18) hope/hopeless

19) under pressure

20) disclosure

21) history

22) presence

23) disappearing from…

24) gone away

25) at the dinner table

26) unbalanced

27) highlights

28) even snakes get the blues

29) enlightenment

30) despair

31) rave with me

32) the itch you can’t scratch

33) slippery slope

34) in my travels

35) it’s the end of the world

36) here there be dragons

37) firefight

38) spirals/spiraling

39) a blank canvas

40) just a thought

41) reflections

42) big trouble

43) happiness

44) wrath

45) associations

46) to the world

47) on the inside

48) truth in advertising

49) memory

50) deception

51) hollow

52) survival

53) turmoil

54) bad choices

55) comfort

56) falling (is like this)

57) open up

58) feety pajamas

59) what would you do?

60) superpowers

61) once upon a time

62) AWOL

63) hunger

64) the light’s gone out

65) running

66) awareness

67) transition

68) humility

69) conscience

70) memorable

71) convergence

72) destroy

73) buildings and bridges

74) the last time

75) vision

76) burning bridges

77) why

78) the first time

79) meditation

80) technology

81) walls

82) containment

83) distraction

84) anxiety

85) heart

86) it hurts like this

87) play it again

88) talk to me

89) open book

90) animals

91) brutality

92) nature

93) family

94) obsession

95) release

96) skeletons

97) peak performance

98) water

99) drowning

100) rescue

In case anyone is interested, the list I’m working on for 2013 is this (I think I have pieces to cover 7 of the topics… I’m seriously slacking!):

1. Break Away 2. Bites the Dust 3. Innocence 4. Drive 5. Sound of Settling 6. Mother Nature 7. No Time 8. Standing Still 9. Two Roads 10. Foreign 11. Breaking the Silence 12. Keeping a Secret 13. Blind Man’s Bluff 14. Waltzing 15. Traps 16. Mischief Managed 17. Lazy Days 18. Hot/Cold 19. Anyone Out There? 20. Seeing Red 21. Through the Fire 22. Between the Raindrops 23. Safety First 24. Puzzle 25. Gateway 26. Fantasia 27. Everyday Magic 28. Irregular Orbit 29. Change in the Weather 30. Nowhere and Nothing 31. Charge 32. Turn the Car Around 33. Colorless 34. Assassin 35. Daughters 36. Instant 37. Don’t Be a Hero 38. Born Without Time 39. Sound Effect 40. Little Bombs 41. Freak 42. American Boys 43. Clue 44. True Believers 45. Portable 46. Caption 47. So Close 48. Under the Red Hood 49. Dragon 50. Making History 51. Rivalry 52. Death 53. Excuses 54. Colors 55. Family 56. Music 57. Off Topic 58. Black and White 59. Memories 60. Song Title 61. Fighting Chance 62. Childhood 63. Shenanigans 64. Elements 65. First Time 66. Lost 67. Strangers 68. Insanity 69. Mirror 70. Silhouette 71. Zodiac 72. Dreams 73. Hope 74. Misunderstanding 75. Relationship 76. Stay Gold 77. Beauty 78. Alice in Wonderland 79. Runaway 80. Our Own World 81. Kiss 82. Little Things 83. Secret Admirer 84. Sweet Dreams 85. Past 86. Present 87. Future 88. Forgotten 89. Human 90. Silence 91. Breathe Again 92. Breaking the Rules 93. Fairy Tale 94. Death 95. Umbrella 96. Pattern 97. Season 98. Clothing 99. Animal 100. The Ones We Left Alive

There’s the effects of crappy sleep…

2 days into the break and I’m wishing De wasn’t going to be gone for so long. I’ll get through it, but it just feels so long. My lack of proper sleep is starting to get to me. I wake too long before sunrise despite being really tired. There’s too much time to think  I’m not actually thinking about much at all. The only good thing about L working overnights is that i can make noise and turn on the light when i wake up without feeling guilty.  I started Pandora at about 5 am without worries of bothering her or waking her up… i think i need to start taking benadryl for sleep again. I definitely don’t need to add lack of sleep to the stressors right now (holidays, monthly hormones, various body triggers, the holidays…).
I was catching up on a blog, and i related so well to the way she was describing things, but i don’t remember what she said and how she said it all of a sudden. There was something about attachment and a weakening of defenses… i dunno, but she said it so well.  Whatever.  It will come back to me eventually.
On another note, i apologize for the lack of quality lately (make it this past year). I’ve fallen out of my more professional mindset and it totally shows: the writing is crap and there’s little of actual value to anyone else in my posts. Sorry.  I will try to get a bit better about it.  I think my problem is my lack of direction. I’m not thinking critically anymore, just lost in the experience. I’m not sure how to be able to find a happy median between being too detached and being too involved. It’s an art form I have yet to master.

I’m trying to think of something artistic to do to keep me occupied, but my art table had been commandeered as the dinner table for the last 2 days (ok, i admit, that’s what a dining table is supposed to be used for, but i had repurposed it and now I miss it). There’s just something not conducive to the creative process when you have to find another suitable surface to work on… but i digress. I’ve done nothing creative the last few days.  I did work a bit more on my art profile elsewhere, but that wasn’t creating anything new. I wish I had a space dedicated to being an art room with appropriate storage and work surfaces… one day. In the mean time, i have to make do with being creative about my creative spaces…

Sorry.  I think i need to stop writing.  My lack of meaningful sleep is glaringly apparent. Maybe I can sleep a bit more before starting the day. Wish me luck! (L comes home soon, and I’m sure she will want to sleep too). Catch you on the flip side of a nap!

The Hunger Games trilogy is great, albeit a bit triggering…

L and I went to the movies today.  It ended up being a bit of a bumble.  First, we went to the wrong theater, then got to the right one too late – our original movie was sold out.  We also wanted to see the Hunger Games sequel, Catching Fire, so she got tickets for that.  It started an hour later, and lasted an hour longer, but it was REALLY good!  I was a bit on edge most of the movie, but it was an “ok” on-edge feeling.  The first several scenes involve her going through various PTSD symptoms, and I picked up on the others throughout the movie too.  Either this movie did better presenting the symptoms, or I read a whole bunch more into it than I did the first one.  I could feel her fear, anger, hyper-vigilance… I know it all too well.  But anyway, it was good.  And it leaves you hanging.  Fuckers.

Most of the way through the movie, I remembered that mom had expected us home around 4pm… oops!  It was now 5:30 and the movie still had 30 minutes.  I knew she wouldn’t check her texts, but I shot her one anyway.  I called her as soon as we got outside, and apologized for not showing on time.  Normally, this isn’t a big deal, but being Christmas and all, she was a bit miffed.  We got home in time to watch her down more wine and finish the last bites of her chicken.  We will have to atone for this with a gift of more alcohol sometime in the near future.  We really didn’t mean to get to off-track, but we rarely do.  After apologizing and chatting for a while, the tension eased and we enjoyed our dinner.  L even tried to translate some words into Hungarian through the internet, and we found the weirdest translation for cheesecake yet: “pictures of naked women’s legs to look at”… we laughed at that for a good 20 minutes.  I think either slang has gotten really wacky, or someone is trying to screw up poor, unsuspecting English speakers when they try to translate stuff to a language they don’t know…

Anyway, I’m again renewed in my desire to read The Hunger Games books, but I have to find them in hard-copy ( there’s just something “not right” about reading books on a tablet… I guess I’m old-fashioned that way.  I really like the feel and smell of a book, and they never run out of charge just as you get to the good part).  I wish we had paid better attention to the books my landlord had  left us before we donated them.  I know we had the whole trilogy, but I managed to keep only the second book… then that was donated when we moved out of the place.  oops! I should have known better, I liked most of the books C had left behind…

Merry Christmas

Today/tonight was actually better than I had expected.  I hate the holidays, but we were able to keep occupied.  On Friday, I had taken De up on her offer to go in today. On the way there, I felt horribly guilty for “making” her work today. I was able to tell her that when I got there, and she set my fears at ease.  It was a light session, but a needed distraction from the holiday.  We colored, and I told her some stuff that I felt I needed to say, including how I had tuned her out on Friday because what I heard her saying was very invalidating.  She confirmed that what she said and what I heard were different. We talked about that a bit, and I caught myself tuning her out again.  I didn’t admit to it in the moment, but tried to return my attention to her words and not my perceived message. She asked what my plans were for the next few weeks that she will be gone.  I told her some of the stuff I intended on doing (work more on the shadow puppet play, do some more art, try to keep social and keep my thoughts from running away without me). She suggested that I also put effort into expressing what it is I need to tell her about the past. She also wants me to think about any advice or support I may want to give to someone else in a similar situation as mine had been. I jokingly told her that will happen towards the time she’s back because stuff like that opens up cob-webbed boxes and creates an urgency to talk about it all.  De was ok with that.  She reminded me to keep busy and enjoy the time with L and my mom.  We also talked about a few other things, but I kept it surface to avoid getting into anything I can’t put away again for the almost 3 weeks break.  We did talk more about the eating issues and how I’m not sure I’m ready to admit to the extent of them. I told her I liked the bonus of the weight loss, and I am not sure I want to do it in a healthier way at the moment.  She reminded me that eating and sleeping had a huge impact on my mood.  I agree.  I’m just not ready to totally pack those thoughts away at the moment.  So I will try to keep her voice in my head reminding me to be healthy about eating and sleep.  We talked a lot about awareness of actions and the choices I make.  Awareness is a large part of getting through/over things…

Anyway, after session I cleaned the mess on my craft table (technically the dining table) as my mom had asked (totally shocked her since it was such a huge pile of stuff). We had a pleasant dinner and then did presents (my family does Christmas Eve over Christmas day). I love what I got, but i really enjoy giving.  Both mom and L liked their cards. L even surprised me with a card she made (I think it’s the best card ever!). It was nice to just hang out and enjoy our time without electronics or tension. I think I could get used to Christmas with my family if it’s all like today.  Don’t get me wrong, there were lots of water works and missing friends and family from up north, but this was pleasant  as far as my side of the family goes. We incorporated some of L’s family traditions (Christmas music, shrimp cocktail for L & mom, a whole bunch of Christmas movies), and we made some of our own (L and I came up with our own Christmas Eve movie tradition: Jeff Dunham holiday special, and the holiday shorts from Pixar). For the first time living with my family, I’m more happy than sad on Christmas. It’s still just another day, but this year it’s also a good day.

I hope everyone had a peaceful and pleasant holiday. ♥

Older art I would categorize as “art therapy”

I was browsing through my gallery on an online art forum and found a few pieces I would like to share here also.  In no particular order.

Moving in a Fog

Drained & Tired

Contents

Falling to Pieces

Gay & Hurting

Dark Jester

Guardian Angel

random art therapy piece

WIP – Broken Hearted

WIP – Swing

Depression

Broken

Dotty: Spark (A lost Dotty sketch)

The Orchid Suicides

Black Hole of my Heart

Hardwired

My Path in Life

Making Trouble

Solitude

The Trouble With Anorexia Is…

Shaken

Fantasy World

mostly-finished Inside-out Box & WIP painting that I have also given up on for the time being

ok, so I lied about updating that post… It’s been about 3 weeks since I declared it finished and showed it to De.  Sitting there looking at it in session, I realized how much I hated the ribbon around the outside lid and ripped it off as I walked back out of the building.  I felt much better.  i replaced the ribbon with black sand, but i still want to make a wall of small river stones or gravel along the curtain-line. To do that, i will have to buy some stones though.

Sometimes I get frustrated with my lack of supplies, or expertise in technique, or ideas, and just let the project rest indefinitely until I either get what I need, inspiration strikes, or I scrap it and change it all together.  This box has been sitting “mostly finished” since the beginning of the month.  It will likely stay like that for another several weeks as I have mentally moved on from it.

So, to keep from leaving too much suspense over the mostly-finished product, here are some pics.  I don’t know where the pics of the outside of the box went, apologies.

Dotty: In the Felt

Inside Out Box

Inside Out Box

Inside Out Box

Inside Out Box

Inside Out Box

Inside Out Box

Inside Out Box

Inside Out Box

Inside Out Box

And here’s the WIP painting I mentioned.  It was born of an in-session assignment.  I got frustrated with the way I was painting the chair as well as my lack of definition/direction with the person in the chair, so I moved on to other things (specifically, a shadow-puppet piece based off the same image – also stalled due to my lack of knowledge about where to take the performance of it, and technical know-how to accomplish what I am picturing in my head).  I will finish this painting some day, but I doubt it will be any time soon.  All my current energy is focused on making that shadow-puppet piece work out.  I really miss puppetry.  I’m having a blast trying to figure stuff out for it, and it’s getting me in contact with puppet-arts people to help get things correct.  It has also renewed my interest in puppetry in general.

ever just zone-out on your t?

Friday’s session was weird. I felt like I was being lectured by my mom again, so i just tuned De out and smiled & nodded when she asked what I thought about what she said. I just didn’t feel like I needed it from her too. I wasn’t quite able to figure all that out until just now, but I know while she was talking I stopped listening deliberately (not in a dissociative way).
I already feel like crap about being on disability, I don’t need to feel like crap about making myself feel like crap. She was saying that I let myself get lost in the philosophical stuff and not enjoy the moment even when the moment’s good. I know i do that to a degree, but I also feel pretty strongly that sometimes depression is just depression and no amount of thinking positive helps it. I felt like she was just telling me how lazy I am and how I want to feel depressed all the time. They were not the words she used, but it’s the message that came across.
Just the day before with J we had talked about L’s resentment over me not working, and how I feel equally bad about not being productive. Then De manages to make the topic about finding things to be productive with, and not being such a loser (again, not her words, but what i heard). I dunno. It has me back to having my defenses up and not wanting to talk to her about anything.
I think I’m also wearing thin on this holiday b.s. and trying to keep things positive and happy when L is having such a hard time. I just wish I could help make it better for her. I hate feeling so helpless and useless. At least if I had a job, i could get extra hours enough to fly her home for the holiday. I know that would at least ease some of her sadness. But I can’t do that. I only get a check once a month, and while it’s really good, it’s not good enough to get her home. Another year gone by. We were supposed to be back up North by now. We were supposed to have our shit together by now. Things were supposed to be different…

I’m sure this is the line of thought De meant when she droned on and on about getting lost in the negative. Sometimes you have to get lost there though, to be able to figure out how to move forward. She had also said something about just making a decision to move forward from the past without having to necessarily processes it first. I wish I could do that, but it hasn’t worked out all that well so far… when I told her my doubts about voicing my experiences to her, all I really wanted to hear was that it will get better. Instead, I got lectured about allowing myself to feel shitty and not moving on fast enough. Some days I feel like I can’t win, even when I think I finally find support. Maybe mom was right all along: you can’t trust anyone else to help you out, there’s only you. (L may be the only exception to that rule, and I really hope I don’t mess that up with my stupidity).

________________________________________________

I did not realize this only saved as a draft last night, I had meant to publish it.

On another note: earlier today, a blog I follow had a new post for the first time in almost a year.  Strangely enough, I related to it quite well… Dr. Doyle talked about how sometimes clients go into a particular session talking about “little picture” stuff just to get through it so they can again focus on the “big picture” topics of therapy. He also talked about being able to tell your T to “stop” when things are being misunderstood or when we simply need to be heard and not necessarily re-directed.  I think that was more of what was going on for me on Friday with De, only I am not at a place within myself to be able to tell her simply to “stop” when she’s droning on… It’s coincidental that he posted this today, as I was planning on talking to De about all this on Tuesday.  I have yet to get to a point where I can tell her in-the-moment what I need or want, but we are working towards that.

More holiday fun after calming down.

I made another card tonight, but it’s top secret! It shall be revealed after Christmas… 😉

On another note: who would have thought that the delta sleep system can calm my bad mood?! It’s on my ipod, and happened to play tonight shortly after I wrote about being a raving birch… a few seconds into it and my anger dissipated.  I normally like to listen to it only while sleeping, but since it made me feel better, i let the whole 15 minute portion play out while i was messing around on the computer.  I think i need to find other music that is similar (don’t want to habituate to this one since it helps me sleep when i remember to use it) so i can listen to it when I’m cranky.  I really hate being a birch, so anything that help alleviate the crazy mood is a good thing (and yes, i use birch deliberately ever since one phone autocorrected all curse words and bitch was changed to birch… it made L laugh that time she was really mad at me, so i like to keep it around. Apologies for any other autocorrect over – corrects.  It had been crazy since the system update last weekend)…

Rawr!

I don’t know happened, but I’m incredibly cranky tonight.  I feel really bad about it, because everyone is catching my wrath. I just want to throw things and break things and scream for no apparent reason. I hate this anger that comes out of nowhere.

Drama

I was reminded today how much i can still get triggered by anger and tension.  My wife and i went to the baby shower for a friend’s step-daughter. Said friend and bio-mom don’t get along, at all.  Bio-mom mom was actually pretty rude to L and i when we showed up. She rolled her eyes  we introduced ourselves (though i later found out that she was the one not welcome at the party).  In watching her interactions with everyone, I’ve found she is a lot like birch: she’s sweet as pie around most people, but will quietly and covertly “poke” at her target until the target blows up, leaving the target to look like the crazy one. She did that to my friend today.  She whispered (rude, mean, hurtful, threatening) things to M and to M’s friends and family. When M finally confronted her (not so tactfully in the middle of the party), M ended up looking like the crazy new wife hating on the bio-mom.  Then bio-mom say back pleased as all else while all hell broke lose with M.
A few of us tried to calm M down and remind her that there are better places and times for these battles.  M was finally able to take a breather and calm down.  The rest of the party continued. I, however, wanted to get out as fast as possible. I asked L if she  ok leaving on the hour (more minutes) because I wanted to be there to support M even though she wanted nothing to do with me at that point (more because she was still livid, not because I think she was angry at me or anything). Things calmed down enough  we ended up staying for the remainder of the party (about an hour).

That moment of anger made my heart race though.  I wanted to be nowhere near any of it.  I late realized it was because bio-mom reminded me so much of bitch and I wasn’t sure how M would continue to react. I still have a lot of stuff going on internally about bitch and anyone or thing that reminds me of her. It’s an instant trigger that brings the terror flooding back. And the term terror is not an exaggeration.  Fight or flight kicks in. I don’t want to be there any more.  I fear for my safety whether or not there is an actual safety threat at the moment… and I replayed with M today the way I always reacted to situations like that at home: stay close and try to fix things at all costs while trying to protect the people I care about that may be in immediate danger.  Even just remembering the events from this afternoon have set my heart racing. It brings back all the old feelings, fears, and thoughts (though I can’t pinpoint any thought at the moment, they are racing too much). I want to call M (or text her. it’s almost 11pm and I know she has to work in the morning). I want to tell her that I’m sorry she’s going through this with bio-mom. I want to tell her i wish i could make it better.  I want to suggest that she ignore bio-mom as best she can because there’s no willing with a sociopathic narcissist. I doubt I will. Maybe tomorrow. I hate to bother people and I know she was very angry today. She’s got a whole bunch of issues she needs to deal with outside of the crazy bio-mom, but I doubt I can bring that up without her losing it on me or ignoring me further.

Anyway, now that my heart is racing again, how ’bout them Ravens? How have they played this season? Well they make it to the world cup (what kind of team are they anyway? Football? Hockey? Baseball? I really don’t know my sports.  L joked earlier  we were very bad examples of lesbians; we know nothing about sports! I am trying to learn to fix my own car tho, that’s got to count for something right?).

I may take something for sleep tonight. I’m not looking forward to the nightmares I’m sure have been kicked up today.

I leave you with tonight’s sunset:

Finally feeling something remotely “holiday”

My wife and I spent the day making holiday cards for local friends and family. It was nice to be able to do stuff together.  I would draw and cut them out, she would paint and write into them. There are a few more to make I think,  but we quit for the night after number 6. They are quite time-consuming, and the cards we used did not come with envelopes,  we had to go out and get some… well, we tried to get some, but they didn’t have any larger square ones at Michael’s. We ended up buying some red card stock to turn into envelopes.  I guess they worked out ok. Anyway, here’s some of the finished product:

The partying snowman got a face lift before I gave him to my friend. She is a Dr. Who fan, so I wanted to make the tardis obvious. Sometimes painting the cards mutes the papercutting, so I chose to only do 3 colors… The original is above, and this one is what she got:

This guy was actually for a friend’s stepdaughter’s baby shower, but done at the same time. I slacked with this one. I was tired and didn’t do all the fancy cutting. L did a great job bringing him to life though with her coloring.

I drew up the reindeer for L, and she cut and colored them.  After this one, she decided to have me do the cutting and she would help with the coloring… I like the way they came out, but she says she has no patience for the details of cutting.

Merry Christmas to a Fun-gi!

Dory will be sent to Ellen Degeneres & her wife… maybe it’ll even make it on air?

This is the Santa Minion.  I am obsessed with the little christmas lights this year for some reason, but felt bananas were more appropriate.

These were the first 4 I did.  The ornament was actually the first one, and I still really like it a lot.

This one was was modeled after a friend’s Dachshund… Not perfect, but hope she likes it.

This turtle is going to a family that celebrates both Jewish and Catholic traditions:

Things are still going well.  I’ve managed to keep in a really positive emotional space despite a lot of negative energy floating around. I’m still holding my breath for a crash, but not hoping for one. I kinda like this positive stuff.

Still feeling good

… and part of me is wondering when it will all come crashing down again (it has in the past). Don’t get me wrong, i really like this feeling, but i just don’t know if i trust it. “All good things come to an end” and I’m wondering if it’s going to be sooner rather than later.  I hope it’s later, but again, i don’t trust it.

We had couple’s therapy today. It was a lighter session (partially due to a huge room mix up  we ended up having it in a “fish bowl” on another floor in a room we technically were not supposed to be using). L had wanted to cover some stuff, and again my dumb self completely forgot (she’s really good at helping me remember to talk about stuff, but i suck at helping her). Hopefully we will be able to get to it next week.  I did manage to tell J all about fixing my brakes myself tho (something I’m really proud of.  I had ordered the parts a year ago, but just now got around to changing them). We mentioned the lottery thing to J, and she said even she played tomorrow’s drawing (which apparently is a first for her). I would love to win, but if not us, i hope it’s someone that really needs it and will do good with it.

I hope my positive mood lasts. I miss working and being productive.  I miss having energy to do things. I miss living. Depression and ptsd have a way of robbing that from a person.

Oh! L gave me my Christmas present early (i wanted her to wait, but i was asking too many questions about it and she got frustrated.  She shoved it on my work space in the dining room).  I’m beyond thrilled with it. She got me a 24 set of Prismacolor pencils.  I will be breaking into them tomorrow for sure (i was quite tired today, tho i really wished i had been at least slightly creative to give them a test run)… i may take them to therapy with me tomorrow (i think we have the art room). I really love a good set of colored pencils. My next big purchase well be a marker set from them, but that is years away… till then, yay! Pencil set!

THE PURPOSELY MESSY ELF

Too cool! I may actually stay looking the whole stupid elf on the shelf bit after this. They need to be Perry on the shelf!

If I won the lottery jackpot…

Sometimes i like to think what i would do with my winnings if i won a huge jackpot.

I would pay off my bills and debts, get a few things for myself, but also give a large amount of it away (most anonymously)…

I like helping people.  It’s been a part of who i am as long as i can remember. I would want to help people financially too. I would go to the bank and ask them to pull up 10 random accounts that are in debt and pay them off. I would buy stuff for my friends and family. I would donate to the places and people that have helped us out when we needed it. I would go to a bunch of stores and pay off the layaway accounts.  I would get a bunch of large bills and hand them out to people I see. I would pay off medical bills for people and animals that needed it… i would buy a jet to help transport people or animals that need to get to far places. I would spend large amounts at mom & pop stores to help keep them afloat. I would pay vehicle repair bills, I would pay off mortgages and rent for people. I’m sure i would spend so much that i would be out of money in a short time, so i would make sure to invest a chunk to be able to keep giving. I would pay teachers more.  I would pay people in helping positions more. I would donate meals to the hungry and hotel rooms to the homeless.  And i would start a mental health movement that tailored treatment to the individual and not the insurance company…

A girl can dream can’t she?

Emotional Abuse

for later reading as I’m getting tired… but what i have read is quite interesting…

Some patients are better off without antipsychotic drugs – psychiatrist

I’m thinking this may need to be printed out and shown to everyone that insists I should be on meds to be in treatment… I think pharmaceutical companies have WAY TOO much power (as evidenced by the increasing use of Clozaril to “help quiet suicidal thinking” in people who are not otherwise considered psychotic. When I worked with that drug, it was instilled in us how dangerous the drug can be, and that it should only be used as a last resort medication… It causes so many physical problems, yet they prescribe it to so many people…
But I digress, yeah. I really like this article. Take a read and see what you think.

recovery network: Toronto

An excellent and most welcome piece in Washington Post Dec 9 by Psychiatrist Dr Sandra Steingard reflecting on her own struggle, wanting  to do the best for patients who struggle but also her own struggle with knowing what best to do.

She tells the story of the introduction of powerful tranquilizers that became rebranded “anti-psychotics”, bombarded by powerful messaging about powerful drugs that can have powerful beneficial effects but also create powerful long term problems bigger than the ones they treat – for many people who take the drugs the consequences are deadly serious.

Then along came new generations of drugs sold as more effective, without ill effects turning out to be just as problematic, oversold and perhaps under tested in the heat of one of the biggest marketing wars ion history.

Eventually, her own dissatisfaction and inquiry took her beyond the messaging and advertising and acceptable community of practice…

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deviantArt’s Holiday Card Project

An art forum I belong to is having a holiday card drive.  I wanted to share it with folks here in case anyone is interested.  You can either use store-bought cards or make your own.  More info can be found here.

Both L and I are making at least one card and will be sending them out this week.

One design idea I had tried was a papercut of a sea turtle with lights… I didn’t like the way the card came out, so I will not be sending that one anywhere.  I really liked the little sea turtle though, so I wanted to share him here.   I had not done any papercutting since my shadow puppetry class in college, so this was my experiment.  I think he came out ok (definitely better than the card itself).  I made a few other “copies” of him, and I may turn him into an ornament.  I just have to buy some tissue paper (I want the lights to be multi-colored).  I was a bit frustrated by my drawing ability, and I wasn’t sure about my papercutting ability, so I did not put too much detail into him.  I wanted to do a Hawksbill (hence the beak), but couldn’t get the shell to look right when I tried to draw in the scutes.  Hawksbills are the ones that were almost hunted to extinction because of their pretty shells.  I just could not do them justice, so I left them out.  I hope you can still tell what he is…  It’s a bit easier with a colored background, but this is just the outline.

Anyway, join in the project and send some cards to people in hospitals.  You never know, you could totally make someone’s holiday 😉

The sound of lifting heavy baggage

I really like this! I have a lot of issues with the stigma around bpd, and the diagnosis itself. I wish it was taken out of the DSM. Like the highlighted quote, BPD places the problem on the person who experienced the abuse while paying no attention to the reasons behind the issues that person faces… I have yet to meet an individual with a BPD dx that does not have a history of abuse or neglect as a child…

Mirrorgirl

  

Reblogged from a psychologist who writes about Borderline Personality Disorder in a non-judgmental way. This is so important, and I thank the author for this nuanced view of the psychological challenges people with BDP face.

 

 

 

Friday, 20 September 2013

Borderline personality disorder: Abandon the label, find the Person

 

Steven Coles

 

In 1980 the mental health industry invented a new diagnostic label, one of many, for the 3^rd edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM III). The American Psychiatric Association (APA) presented DSM III to the world as a scientific revolution in psychiatric understanding. If people suffering emotional distress had accepted the APA’s statements about the new manual, they would have rejoiced that such a wealthy and powerful organisation had put its energies into making sense of psychological suffering. The vast majority of people receiving one of these new labels had experienced great…

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Follow – up to “Sometimes telling is worse”

The telling may suck, but damn does it feel good to not be carrying that all by myself!
I had that extra session with De this afternoon. She had read my post to her before I got there (at least the first part where I told her I wanted to read it out loud to her and asked her not to let me chicken out on it). I tried my best to stall for time so I didn’t have to read it, but she kept encouraging me to.  After a few false starts, I was able to find my voice.  I started off quickly stumbling over the words, but I was able to get through it.  There were parts where my voice got quiet and cracked a few times, but I read it all to her.  As she pointed out, I did not throw up all over myself, I did not die, I didn’t have a panic attack or pass out… I was still there and she was still there. She did not change her opinion of me.  She told me that i did good.  She said it took a lot of courage to finally say (I had prefaced the whole thing by saying that I had never spoken much of that out loud, and no one knew those details).  As difficult as it was to actually give voice to what i had written and as vulnerable & small as I felt after I said it, a few hours later i feel really good.  A huge weight had lifted. I still think I want to cry at moments, but it’s more tears of relief than fear or sadness.

She was able to normalize some of what I talked about. That helped a lot also… we covered emotional safety, and she validated some of the realizations I had about stuff that gets triggered when the past comes up. In the end, we didn’t cover everything she wanted to cover, but I was able to get out what I needed to say. After all these years of therapy, I was finally able to speak some of my secrets, and it felt really good in the end. I think feeling safe with De being an assault specialist helped that happen, but I also think I had to get to a place where I could actually speak about it. It’s been long enough that I have carried the details of the events by myself.  It was nice to be able to share the burden, and I feel really lucky that De allowed me look to her for that support.

One thing I wanted to write about here that De also thought was pretty cool: one time I was with Duckboy, I was screaming at him in my head to stop, and my mom called right then asking if I was ok. I lied to her and said yes. De asked me how that made me feel (to have a connection like that with my mom), and i wasn’t sure how to answer.  It was really cool.  And I feel like I have put up too many walls to have that still… it’s cool tho.

We also talked about negative self – talk, and how some of that may change with the processing of things… there was other stuff that I wanted to note, but I have suddenly forgotten it.  Oh, she reassured me that I wasn’t crossing boundaries. I had been doing good with trying other coping skills before reaching out, and I was reaching out appropriately… I showed her some of my recent art, and she reiterated that she wants me to do something for sexual assault awareness month in April… I’m totally flattered, but also kinda skeptical about producing something that random people will see (I don’t have that much faith in my skills). I guess I should just take her approval as all the justification needed and do something.  I dunno.  We’ll see…
There was more, but it’s gone again.  Oh well.

10:40pm – I remembered that I also told her about the flashbacks that cause so much confusion (where I get lost in them and can’t tell if I’m in the present having a flashback or in the past wishing I was out of the situations I was in)… I was having trouble explaining it to her, because she kept on the idea of pulling in grounding techniques.  I wasn’t sure how to explain that those “confusions” come suddenly and completely.  I often don’t suspect it until it’s overwhelming and I don’t think to ground from it (too lost in the confusion).  I know I could ask L for help (we have discussed me asking her who she is and other reality checks, but I have yet to make use of that… mostly it’s because I get so confused as to time and place, I don’t want to seem really dissociated if it is in fact the past… it reminds me a lot of the movie The Matrix for some reason).  I used to dissociate a lot growing up, and some of it involved imagining a future away from the current situation.  When these flashbacks come now, I have trouble knowing if I’m just imagining a better future, or I’m having a flashback.  It’s very weird and disconcerting. That’s how I should have explained it to De, but I could not quite wrap my brain around that concept in her office today.

Sometimes telling is worse

De has been trying to build trust and comfort in taking about my trauma. One phrase she has told me a few times has been “You’ve already been through the worst part, the act.”

My gut reaction to that phrase the first time I heard it was a loud “no!” echoing in my head, but I wasn’t sure why. It hit me the other night tho. The act wasn’t that bad because I was able to dissociate from it. I didn’t really have to “pay attention” to what was going on. When i have flashbacks or I have to talk about it, there’s a level of attention to it that I had not had when it first happened. It’s worse because I can’t (or shouldn’t) dissociate from it. The emotions come with accessing the memories. The fear sets in, the anger, everything… It’s worse because I feel and see and hear everything without being able to turn the attention off (at least if I want to be able to get anywhere with processing it). So I have to disagree with her when she says the worst part is over (at least for me. It may be different for a one – time trauma or ones without dissociation)… 

emotional chameleon

It’s finally rubbed off on me today, I am as angry/cranky as my mom was all day.  I hate when I let her mood get to me, but some days it’s SO hard to keep her negativity at bay.  This morning, it took her less than 15 minutes to start yelling at the dogs.  She didn’t stop yelling at them (or something else, or nothing) except when she was out of the house briefly to do some shopping.  She’s also really mean to them.  I’m glad they don’t understand her words too well.  She’s just cruel with some of the things she says, and I really don’t think she puts it together (how awfully mean she sounds)… Hearing it all day gets to me.  It makes me feel worthless (because I’m sure she would say the same things to me if I were around to pester her), and it reinforces that even the smallest needs are a burden and huge inconvenience.  She curses them when they want attention, or food, or to go outside.  She ignores the puppy’s signals that he needs to go out to pee, then she blows up when he pees in the house.  When I spend too much time around her like that, I absorb all her spewing negativity.  I wish I knew how to turn that off…

I try hard not to be angry.  I try to stifle it as best I can because I NEVER want to be my father (or my mother apparently).  I never want to instill fear in people, or worthlessness, or shame, or any number of other things.  When I catch myself angry, the self-deprecating tapes start.  I know I should be challenging them, but I find little compassion for myself (and it’s really difficult to dig it up when I’m this moody).  All I can think of is how awful I felt and feel when I am around people who seep anger.  I feel bad about being one of those people, and I start to call myself stupid and worthless and hurtful and any number of other negative, hateful terms… It’s so hard to turn that off.

Have you ever noticed how some topics span different occasions?  Writing about the negative tapes in my head, I was reminded that both De and J mentioned challenging those voices.  J wants L & I to try to keep a tally of how many times we start being mean to ourselves.  She also wants us to call each other out on it.  De had said that I need to start changing what I tell myself with those voices.  I know neither talked to the other, but both are on the same page.  I guess it goes along with the topics we bring up in therapy.  Apparently my negative self-talk (and L’s) was brought up in sessions this week (I think L even talked to her therapist about it)…

Another thing that comes up when I am angry is the urge to self-harm.  It’s a release for it, and dissipates it faster than anything else.  I know I can’t, but the urges are there…

Unable to read others’ blogs today, and some blathering

I’m not sure what is up with my WordPress reader today, but when I click on a blog to read it, the application stalls and I’m forced to back out completely.  I apologize for not being able to keep up with everyone tonight Hopefully it’s just a one-night bug that is only happening on my phone… sorry all!

Today was an ok day.  De called and we scheduled something for Tuesday. I hope I still am connected to the stuff that came up yesterday. She did not sound mad or frustrated that I asked for extra time.  I hope I can keep reminding myself of that when the fear of pissing her off comes up.  I obsess over boundaries not only because I fear rejection/anger, but also because sometimes I have trouble reigning myself in. I wind up relying too much on someone and it works to push them away.  I’m trying to find a happy middle ground (it’s harder than it looks). Most of the time when I was growing up, getting emotional needs met was nearly impossible in the chaos of all the domestic violence. Asking for support was often responded to with anger, frustration, or simply ignored (mostly anger tho).  I have trouble stepping back and knowing that I am allowed to ask for things, and that the response will not being a hugely disproportionate display of anger. The old hyper-vigilance to anger is made stronger when I feel more vulnerable.  I know I drive L nuts when I constantly check in to see if she’s mad at me.  I know I’ve driven others nuts with it also.  I’m sure De is getting frustrated with my constant checking and fear, but she has not said anything yet. It’s just difficult to step out of when so much is the same as my childhood once again (physical environment, and displays of anger or frustration all the time from those around me). I have trouble remembering that I am an adult who does not have to fear anger all the time from my dad or other adults. Once again I find myself stuck as both a small child and an adult.  I have more autonomy now, but I’m still very much a little kid emotionally… it’s quite frustrating (especially when the flashbacks or really strong memories hit. There’s not much I have found that lets me ground into the present because I get confused about what the present actually is. The people around me begin to look like those I grew up with, so I struggle to notice that I am no longer a kid.  Once again, my dog is mistaken for my dog growing up.  My wife is mistaken for my best friend in high school. It gets very confusing). It hits harder when other memories start to surface.  It feels like a domino effect of memories that come spilling at me. I can look at L, know she is L, then something gets triggered and she suddenly looks like C. I’ve noticed it more today and yesterday since the memories of DuckBoy bubbled up again.  When we are out of the house it’s not so difficult to recognize it as the past rather than the present. But when we are home, I forget and get lost quite easily. It doesn’t help that the energy in the house is still very much the same as it had been growing up. There’s anger and frustration busting at the seams. I hate it…

Anyway, yeah.  Asking De for some more support next week.  I’m hoping I can find something to get me through the two weeks she will be out between Christmas and New Year’s.  This program hasn’t called me back, and I don’t want to be left floundering for that long.  I know we meant to hold off on trauma processing until after the new year, but my brain has its own ideas. I’m partly worried about losing trust completely with her, so I think my head has kicked remembering into high gear (that, and holidays are always hard for me. Triggers get more frequent and varied while my ability to cope with them gets severely tested).

I seem to have an inability to leave an art project solely for work with De, even when I consciously choose to leave the piece at her office.  I have started drawing (and re-drawing) the image started with her on Friday. It’s in its third incarnation since yesterday morning.  I’m hoping I will be happy enough with one finally.  There’s still a few days till Tuesday when I go back to work on the one she is holding.  I’m hoping I will be able to get it right by then… one day, I will leave the work purely for there, but I have trouble reigning in the creative perfectionism to just one hour a week. If I end up happy with one of the versions, I will post it here.

Defenses and how they can be a real pain in the butt sometimes

So, I had therapy today.  It started out Ok.  I took my box project in and we talked about it.  It was a perfect segway for her topic, so it worked out.  Only part way through, my mind went blank. I couldn’t remember what the elements of the box meant.  I could not give her any specifics or tell her even the ball-park of what they represented.  We then moved on to her topic: tell her what some of that stuff is that I never manage to talk about.  My brain panicked further and I suddenly couldn’t think about anything at all. We were in the art room, and she asked if I could draw it out. I sat staring at the paper.  She nailed my emotion when she called it “freaking out.” So we changed the assignment to what it felt like in the moment, and what would be needed to feel safe enough to talk about that stuff. That was also difficult, but we talked through it. I managed to start drawing stuff. Part-way through the drawing, I paused.  She took that time to wrap up.  I felt lost and totally vulnerable, as we had not talked about the rest of the stuff that came up.  I didn’t have the courage to bring up what came popping into my head, and time was up.  I left feeling really vulnerable and small.  I sat in the parking lot journaling for an hour… I toyed with going back in, or calling her for support (or at least have help putting some of the vulnerability away). I ended up going home without asking for more support, but agonized over all of it the whole  rest of the day.  I wrote some stuff to De, and more came out than I intended.  It actually made things a bit easier, as I think that was the stuff struggling to surface in session today. I left her a message tonight telling her of it, and asking if she had extra time to talk about it, or at least help me box it back up till next Friday. She won’t get it till tomorrow, but that’s ok.  I really didn’t want to speak with her because I knew I would lose what it was I intended to say (she had answered the last few times I had called when I only wanted to leave a message). I’m kinda hoping she at least has time to talk a bit over the phone tomorrow so I don’t completely lose my connection to what came up today. I dunno.  We will see.