Tag Archives: sadness

More loss

Tuesday evening, L’s dad passed away quite suddenly. We don’t normally stop by on Tuesdays (it’s usually a day spent being at home after I return from work), but this week, L wanted to go hang with her mom. I’m so glad she chose to do that…

A short while after we left, she got a call from her mother that she thought her dad had died. I was taking the dogs out at the time L ran past me in a panic, yelling that she thought her dad died. It took me a minute to process what she said as she was running towards the car. I dragged the dogs to the car (I’m pretty sure one was pooping at the time I yanked them with me). I drove us the 5 minutes to their house. It was the longest, slowest 5 minutes I’ve felt in a long time. It seemed like every car was going 30 miles an hour too slow. 

We turned on to their street, and you could see fire trucks and police lights on both sides at the end of their drive. The truck driving in front of us had to slow down to figure out where/how to get past them. It took everything in me not to lay on the horn and fly up their driveway (their house is set back quite a way). I know he was just being safe, but I really wanted to get L there to be with her mother. 

Up the driveway, there were yet more police cars and ambulances. I’m not sure how many first responders were there, but there were easily a dozen or more emergency vehicles. L’s mother was sitting in her car watching them work on her father… 

They worked on him there at the house for a good 30 minutes to an hour, then took him to the er. I had L and her mom ride to the hospital with one of the officers. My car had been blocked in by one of L’s brothers, so I stayed till after they took her father away,  and the rest of the family went to the hospital. I ran home to drop off the dogs and pick up a few things for L. By the time I got back (maybe 40 minutes later… I kinda got lost on the way to the hospital…), he had been pronounced dead…

We were all kinda in shock. We knew he wasn’t feeling well, but he wasn’t one to let on how sick he really was, not even to his doctors. Heck, he had even been to the doctor that morning and they bs’d about country living… 

The hours and days since then have been spent with L’s family making funeral arrangements and just hanging around. It’s not totally sunk in yet. Tears and sadness comes in waves… the worst part for me had been seeing the emergency vehicles every time I turn down their street. I can’t get the image out of my head even away from there, but it’s most intense there. 

I wasn’t very close to her dad, but way closer to him than my own father. I wrestle internally with feeling like i’m intruding on their sadness. I know to a large degree that’s old family values leaking through on my part, and not much basis in reality (her family has been nothing but loving and welcoming). It’s still difficult to shake though. I’m sure I’ve driven L nuts with my constant checking and asking if they’d rather I be away… I’m trying to do most of the reality checking within myself…

I have to work tonight, so that will be weird. Hopefully I can get lost a bit there… I’m sad for L. I’m really sad for her mother, who had to find her husband. I’m sad for L’s family. We’re all going to miss her dad. He was the kinda guy that might talk a lot of shit about people, but he also wouldn’t hesitate to drop everything and go help someone out if they asked… I’m pretty positive he knew most of the town. Almost everywhere we’d go, we could find someone who knew L’s family through him (it’s not exactly a small town. I know I keep saying “town”, but it’s actually, technically a city)…

I dunno… there’s been so much loss lately. I’ve become even more paranoid about the dogs. I worry about L’s mom. I worry about my own mom. I worry about Dr C… 

These recent deaths bring up stuff from decades ago when my aunt and uncle died a few months apart. I start to worry that similar things will happen. I worry we will lose Sadie & Alex a few short months after Chow died (it happened that way with my last pair of dogs also, and even with my favorite snakes. We had to euthanize Sandy, then Gizmo got really sick less than a year later. Sugar Cane died suddenly, then Almond Joy had to be put down several months later…). I worry something may happen to L’s mom (she’s talking already like she’s going to be gone soon. I get some of that is grief. They would have been married 60 years this year, but given the patterns I’ve experienced, I worry)… I really don’t want more loss right now. 

Like Dr C said, grief is complicated…


Ashes- mixed media panel

It didn’t start out specifically as something related to the loss of Chow, but it ended up that way…

I was just messing around with art supplies in an attempt to get myself unstuck from the grief. 

There were also 2 pages in my journal I played around with, but they are not finished yet. So far, they are just backgrounds: 

I  was experimenting with a rust texture set I dug out of the clearance section last week. This tag was the first thing I used the stuff on. I think it came out ok (much better than when I tried it on the blue page)… It will go on the blue page eventually. I can’t decide where to put it though. I really like how it pops when it’s in the bottom left corner, but I also really like the detail of that spot. I’ve been trying to make it work in other spots, but it seems to get lost in the chaos of the background anywhere else I try to put it. I might have to deal with covering up what’s easily my favorite area on the page. The other option would be to alter the tag or background in a way that allows the tag to be distinguished from the background. It may take me a while to figure that out…


…oh, and the dog is sick :(

I don’t want to live in a world where it’s so acceptable to hate and oppress…

I don’t want to live in a world where we struggle so much around so much. 

I’m constantly rendered speechless and shocked at the bigotry and rhetoric that seems to flow so freely from so many (and how quick they are too assume the other is stupid or wrong for disagreeing – on either side, really)…

On top of the current climate of hate, one of the dogs is sicker than we had hoped. We don’t know what exactly is wrong with her because we don’t have the funds available to get the appropriate testing done yet (come on Thursday!). We had hoped it was merely something antibiotics would clear up, but she’s not as dramatically better (if at all) as she should be after 2 days on meds… even if we get the testing done though, I’m not sure we will be able to afford treatment since the blood tests alone are over $300. 

I hate that I can’t take care of one of my babies. I hate that I know she feels like shit, but right now there’s nothing we can do to help. The vet’s office called earlier to check up on her, and told me they would consult the vet and potentially get back to us today. I told them we don’t have any money till Thursday… I hope between the relationship we’ve built with them, and the lack of positive progress with the dog’s health, they might extend some credit to at least be able to get tests done… šŸ˜¢ I really want our puppy to be ok (by the way, when did just-under-7-years-old become “senior” for medium sized dogs? I had always thought of 8 or older falling into that category).


Letters to no one

Dear Dr C,
I don’t want to bother you, but I kinda just want to hide in your pillow fort…
Just about 90 minutes left of the work day. I’m so tired. I’m impressed I made it without crying and breaking down. No guarantees that won’t yet happen next week, but it didn’t Happen yet today.
Would it be ok if I asked for more sessions again next week? The black hole in my chest is still collapsing. My  throat hurts. I’m tired. I’m feeling impulsive… this is hard.
I don’t want to break you with my neediness.
I hope I don’t break you. I’ve broken enough therapists…
Can I bring cow with me Monday to sit in your pillow fort? I got her groomed today, so she shouldn’t shed all over the place now.


don’t know how to allow myself to feel

I was talking to L today for our usual daily chat (coz what else are you going to do when you’ve been 1500 miles apart for the past year and some weeks?), and I managed to get out (without my voice catching, and without having to go silent) that I was trying to come to terms with having to find one of the cats a new home… The words came, then the emotion hit, and that was all I could say about it without tears welling up in my eyes… even just writing it here they are threatening to burst forth, but I’m frantically blinking them away.

We also mentioned that Monday will be my last session with TM. More tears sprung to my eyes, but behaved themselves…

I don’t know how to allow myself to feel this. It’s too heavy and too scary. I still can’t think of leaving mom here by herself without the tears escaping from the confines of my eyes… So I stop the thoughts or the conversations. I switch the topic quickly and efficiently. And I still don’t release any of it. It’s safer to feel bad about losing TM because the level of emotional investment in her is not as great as it is with everything and everyone else. I care about her, she’s safe, I will miss her a lot, but it’s nowhere near the level of overwhelming hurt that comes with everything else.

It all feels like K & T dying again. It’s that huge. It hurts that much (only maybe more, because it’s them being gone, and worry over mom and the dog and cats and house and future and everything…). The safety net that was supposed to always be there is again going away. I feel like that poor bee I tried to rescue from drowning in the ocean several weeks ago. It was so windy & choppy, every time I fished him out, the wind caught him and threw him back into the water. Eventually the waves carried him away and I am assuming he perished… I feel like that little bee after I had fished him out a second time, and before the wind whipped him away again. There’s a sense of relief in knowing I’m getting out of the waves, but I also know it’s pretty windy. I’m holding my breath for the last time I get knocked in and the waves finally take me away from all hope of getting out of the water. I’m afraid it’s going to happen like that. I’m afraid something will finally knock me so far that all the means of finding safety are too far to get to.

I don’t know how to be ok feeling this emotion. Maybe if I felt support around it; maybe if there was a cushion of safety in attempting to deal with the emotion, I might be ok trying it in bits… but there’s no cushion. I will have 2 weeks after my last session with TM to keep it together and keep moving. There won’t be that neutral party to bring me back to a level-head. So I have to maintain it for myself. The only way I know how to do it and still function is to stuff it all away.

So I stuff. I fight the tears and the sadness and the fear. I fight the panic… I’m not sure how well I will manage that on the last drive out of the driveway, but at least I won’t be the one behind the wheel.

This sucks.


Again?

Woke up crying again today, but it’s not as debilitating as it was Saturday. There’s just this underlying current of sad permeating everything, but I’m more able to function. There’s stuff I know I need to do today, and want to do it, but when it comes down to actually heading out, I lose the motivation (eg: I need to purchase a new bra. I want it, but the thought of going to the mall to check pricing and confirm size is daunting. If I could simply walk into that one store, it might be easier, but the thought of having to navigate the mall (even if it were not crowded) is frustrating. It involves too much process, too many steps (both in terms of walking and in terms of what has to be done) to achieve my goal… it’s overwhelming. I’m trying to think of it as simply going to Frederick’s and looking at prices in the store (looked online, and the bra is on sale online, but would have to order two to get free shipping. Shipping for one is nearly as expensive as getting two bras, which is just too costly right now. The store doesn’t always have the same sales as online…). My problem comes when I break down the steps involved in getting to the store. First, I have to get presentable. Then I have to get in my car and drive to the mall. I have to try to remember where in the mall the store is so I can park close. Then I have to get into the mall and find my way to the store. Then I have to chat with the sales lady. Then I have to politely decline her sales pitch if its more expensive in the store. Then I have to make my way back to the car and back home. I already became exhausted at the concept of getting presentable, forget the rest…

I hate having to be “on.” I hate having to hold this mask of “I’m fine. Everything’s peachy.” It’s so exhausting… TL and I talked about it last week in terms of the upcoming trip (pretty much social interaction for 56 hours straight. Exhausting to any introvert even without the added depression). She asked what it would be like to drop the mask, to not be “on” for the whole trip. The problem with that is the expectation from others to keep pretending no matter what… no one wants to see the reality. No one wants to have to be faced with the discomfort that comes from knowing everything is not “just peachy”… so I have to pretend. :heavy sigh: it would be so much easier to just hide. šŸ˜¦

I asked mom to go with to the mall. Hopefully having company and someone else driving will make it easier… and I’m hoping the bra is on sale there too. Don’t want to expend the effort for nought…

Some days I wish there was a pill that actually worked to make this all better. I wish the struggle wasn’t so much of a struggle…