Monthly Archives: May 2013

meh…

So, I saw my T today, and I was really just not into it.  My head was just empty and numb by the time I got there.  He said he had gotten my email, and wanted to know what out of it I felt most pressing to talk about.  I told him I wasn’t sure, and that even though I had read it before coming to see him, I couldn’t really remember what I had written… He asked what had led up to the email, and what the motivation behind it was.  We talked about my lack of (quality) sleep, and how that seems to be really effecting my ability to cope with things and change where I’m at.  We went back and forth about the meds thing, and I just could not come up with a satisfactory answer as to why I was being so adamant in my refusal.  I told him I was not just being stubborn, but the med thing is just something I know about myself.  I still couldn’t explain it well, so I asked if he ever had the experience of knowing himself and his body, and knowing that something was just not right for him (relationship, career, food, whatever).  He never really answered, but he did let up a bit.  He pushed the idea of sleep meds, but that was it.  He challenged my notion of “knowing” myself as maybe just fear and suggested that I talked myself into the reactions or the fact that the meds don’t work.  I wanted to walk out right then, because he’s again one of those people that are pushing things that I have tried already and they have not worked.  I was not able to voice this, but he picked up on my frustrations.  I still wasn’t able to tell him how I really felt about that interaction, but he challenged me to try.  He promised he would never react the way men (my dad) in my past had done.  I told him that was just another thing I needed to work on, and to add it to my list.

I think he too was getting frustrated because he changed his tactic.  He pointed out that I know a whole lot of what doesn’t work, but had yet to tell him what does.  I wasn’t able to say right away that I really thought I needed a balance in my life.  I told him that being in nature helped, and that being by myself in nature and interacting with animals (my own or wild) helped balance me and re-center me.  He challenged me to get out and reconnect with things.  I told him my barriers to effectively doing that.  He suggested that he will make it homework of sorts: I have to get out several times a week by myself to just breathe.  It came about from the discussion of feeling that fear/unease of going to sleep at night, and my hypothesis that is it because the night is the only quiet time to just relax with the animals and not have to interact with others.  He told me to take the dogs for walks, go to the beach, head out to the park, hit up the Everglades and just be.  I will need to take him up on this… I know it centers me and I need that lately.

One day when I was still in school, I was having a particularly rough day.  I threw my favorite CD into my discman and headed out to the woods.  My big trans cat followed me.  S/he jumped around the leaves and would come for petting, then head out again.  It was a really windy day.  I was so lost in my music and myself that day.  I sat on a boulder a few yards into the woods.  When I looked up at one point, I was suddenly in the middle of a small herd of white-tail deer.  Two of the younger ones were about 4 feet from me, craning their necks to get a sniff.  I looked at them, and did not move.  My cat played amongst the deer and would come back to me, then go off again.  We were like that for a few precious minutes, then the wind broke a large tree nearby.  It startled the deer and they bolted, but before that, we were at ease with one another.  I think it helped that my cat was about the size and color of a raccoon and interacting with me.  I think it made the deer feel somewhat safer in approaching.  They certainly knew I was there… It was such a Zen, calming moment.  I had forgotten about it until earlier this week… I need to keep that kind of stuff up.  I need to play with my animals more, and take time to myself.  Everything seems so chaotic around here, I need a place to just be.

After my session with D, I decided to go out to the beach.  It was overcast and windy, and I was hoping the sky would open up and pour down on me while there, but that did not happen.  I walked the beach.  I looked at the treasures found along the wrack line… I think there were a few egg cases from some type of mollusk, but I am not sure what they were from.  There was also a variety of seeds.  I walked in the waves.  I had rolled up my pants, but the waves were very choppy.  I ended up getting soaked up to my upper thighs.  I didn’t really care… It was nice to be there.  I definitely need to do that more often.

and apparently:


Words Fail You – Kris Delmhorst

This could easily be a song from my wife to me… I love Kris, and have listened to her for many years, but only noticed this song tonight.  I can’t believe I hadn’t paid attention to it before.  Also, she is awesome live.  I highly recommend seeing her if you can.

We met with a couple’s therapist today… I think she will be good for us, especially for those times that the words fail me.

words fail you

I’ve been dying this whole evening just to reach out for your hand
And I’ve been trying to keep believing that I might ever understand
Now the hour is getting late, and the moon is sinking low
You find yourself in such a state with so far still to go

And I know words fail you
Words fail you
I know words fail you
And I know sometimes I do too

Now this toyota is getting crowded with all the things that no one’s saying
And if I opened up my mouth now I think I would be praying
I watch you fight your demon, don’t know when to step in
You wrestle with your angel cause you hate to let it win

And I know words fail you
Words fail you
I know words fail you
Well baby sometimes they fail me too

You hatch your little fishes, throw them straight out in the cold deep sea
You’re hatching out a hurricane, trying to keep it all from me

and I know words fail you
Words fail you
I know words fail you
And I know sometimes I do too

© 2001 kris delmhorst/big bean music/ASCAP


that void where help does not exist

I went to that psychiatrist appointment this morning in hopes that they would be able to hook me up with additional help.  That is what the hospital told me anyway (of course, they also told me I had an actual appointment and not the walk-in situation is really was. So much for them being reliable).  When I told the intake clinician that I was not interested in med management, she said that was the only thing they would be offering me.  She suggested I come back if I ever changed my mind about meds.  Well, thanks… So I wasted over an hour of my time and $3 just to be told that you can’t help me.  I should have asked for my $ back, because even though it is only $3, when you are unemployed with no prospects of getting money any time soon, every $3 is precious.   The only helpful thing was that she gave me the number to social security so I can get a worker to help me sign up for disability benefits.  Well, that is progress I guess.

I wish it was easier to access help down here.  At least up north they helped me sign up for benefits and offered support more than just medications management.  I feel like I am stuck doing all this on my own, and it is so utterly overwhelming…


I just don’t have the energy anymore.  I have no interest in the things I know deep down I love and bring me joy (or at least some measure of peace).  My urge is to push everything and everyone away.  I’m in the phase of wanting to sell most of my reptiles (a lot of the lizards) because the snakes are easier to care for, and my depression would not impact them as intensely as it would the geckos… I want people to leave and let me be.  I want to try stupid, risky things in hopes that something brings some relief.  I didn’t get any relief from the intense weight of everything until I was borderline hurting myself (though I am unsure if it was the release of anger, the almost-crying, or the physical pain of hitting the bed and smacking the boards underneath by accident).  I want to say it was the emotional release, but my history with self-harm points to the pain being the cause of the respite from the emotional turmoil.

I am so, so, so tired.  I’m losing the will to keep struggling against this crushing weight.  I’m just out of energy.

I see a psychiatrist tomorrow morning for the first time in a long time (outside of the hospital stay last week).  I am unsure what his or her reaction will be to my refusal of meds.  I don’t want to give him or her the impression that I am a danger to myself.  I don’t need to be back on a locked unit at this point… But that irrational fear of this person interpreting what I say as a suicide threat and locking me up again is looming.  The last time I saw an outpatient psych, that is what happened.  The situation is different now though.  I am not in the same emotional place I was that time, so there is no reason to lock me up, but the fear is there.

My head and heart hurt.  My body and mind are tired of this fight.  K challenged us to weave positives into our days today.  She is all about the positive affirmations, which I find ridiculous.  I need to start smaller, and not challenge those negative beliefs head-on because I tend to lose that way.  The smaller things I can handle.  The huge ones spring so many defenses.

Also, I declined the rehab job… I just can;t do that to myself right now.  I know I would give and give and give, and they would just keep taking.  I don’t have that much left.  I don;t want to risk it. Sometimes you just have to know your limits and take care of yourself despite the outside pressures to do otherwise.  This is me remembering to say yes to myself before I say yes to someone else.


buckling under myself

there are just some things that cannot be expressed to another human being because of the risk involved… and the weight of it is crushing.  I just left the hospital, and it all hits again.  there’s no use in fighting it.  the win will never come, so what’s the point?

there are definitely 2 parts (if not more) to me.  not DID, but just over-bearing attitudes that take over at various times.  i wish it would all just go away.  I’m so tired of this.


Brain mush

So,  I ended up taking some vistaril last night at like 2 am to help finally sleep.  Only it hasn’t worn off yet 10 hours later and I can’t function.  My brain is mush and my body is not moving when I will it.  This is frustrating.
My body is hyper-sensitive to medication,  so if I haven’t been on it in a while,  it will kick my ass. Case in point.

☆9:30pm☆ – brain is still mush. It feels like wet cement. I even had a nap earlier and it didn’t help. This sucks. No more full dose of Vistaril for me, just 25mg and only if absolutely necessary. :/

also, I have developed a fear of sleeping at night… not fear exactly, just anxiety around it… I think that is why I was up so late last night… I feel the same again tonight. I will have to try to explore what and why it is. This is new since the hospital. I can’t attribute the fear/anxiety to anything in particular (like nightmares or anything), but just a general unease about going to bed at night. Really not sure where it came from… I can nap easily during the day, but there’s something about going to bed at night that has me anxious. weird.


Gossip in Red (tiggering)

Shh… Pull up a chair and get comfortable.

Did you eat recently?

You might not want to stay for the tale then.

It’s quite the “edge of your seat” ear candy…

There’s something I need to tell you.
It’s quite messed-up and
somewhat
…unsavory.

It brings release.
But more than that,
It’s a high.
I start, and suddenly
I
Want
More
NOW.

One drop, and I’m hooked
The more, the better.
The darker, the redder
The higher the risk
The better it feels.

Why not skydiving?
Well, there’s no red involved.

It’s like a drug.
The faster it flows
The better it feels
The more I want it

It did not start out that way.

It started to…

Well, it started to bring me…

I wanted to finally…

How can I say this without saying it?

Release.
Relief.
Sensation…
Reality.

When your body betrays you
And you head is full of memories
And your body is full of sensations
You just need to settle them to bed.

It started as a release.
Then the reinforcer came,
And it took over.
There was nothing left to bleed out,
but the blood was what drove me.

I didn’t want to stop
but there was almost nothing left.
My body betrayed me yet again.
(This time the severed vein cinched up
to keep me alive long enough to get to safety)

I didn’t want to stop
I didn’t want to go
but…

Sometimes you do things for others
because you care about them
more than you will
EVER
care about yourself

and because I trusted her
and because she was scared
and because…

I became scared

Cuts like that don’t just
stop
and heal on their own
and that was not
in the plans (with this anyway
– there are pills for that)

So off to the Doctor who
Sends you to the ER
Where they wonder how
You are still upright
Because you left about half
Your volume in her office…

Oops.