So, I saw my T today, and I was really just not into it. My head was just empty and numb by the time I got there. He said he had gotten my email, and wanted to know what out of it I felt most pressing to talk about. I told him I wasn’t sure, and that even though I had read it before coming to see him, I couldn’t really remember what I had written… He asked what had led up to the email, and what the motivation behind it was. We talked about my lack of (quality) sleep, and how that seems to be really effecting my ability to cope with things and change where I’m at. We went back and forth about the meds thing, and I just could not come up with a satisfactory answer as to why I was being so adamant in my refusal. I told him I was not just being stubborn, but the med thing is just something I know about myself. I still couldn’t explain it well, so I asked if he ever had the experience of knowing himself and his body, and knowing that something was just not right for him (relationship, career, food, whatever). He never really answered, but he did let up a bit. He pushed the idea of sleep meds, but that was it. He challenged my notion of “knowing” myself as maybe just fear and suggested that I talked myself into the reactions or the fact that the meds don’t work. I wanted to walk out right then, because he’s again one of those people that are pushing things that I have tried already and they have not worked. I was not able to voice this, but he picked up on my frustrations. I still wasn’t able to tell him how I really felt about that interaction, but he challenged me to try. He promised he would never react the way men (my dad) in my past had done. I told him that was just another thing I needed to work on, and to add it to my list.
I think he too was getting frustrated because he changed his tactic. He pointed out that I know a whole lot of what doesn’t work, but had yet to tell him what does. I wasn’t able to say right away that I really thought I needed a balance in my life. I told him that being in nature helped, and that being by myself in nature and interacting with animals (my own or wild) helped balance me and re-center me. He challenged me to get out and reconnect with things. I told him my barriers to effectively doing that. He suggested that he will make it homework of sorts: I have to get out several times a week by myself to just breathe. It came about from the discussion of feeling that fear/unease of going to sleep at night, and my hypothesis that is it because the night is the only quiet time to just relax with the animals and not have to interact with others. He told me to take the dogs for walks, go to the beach, head out to the park, hit up the Everglades and just be. I will need to take him up on this… I know it centers me and I need that lately.
One day when I was still in school, I was having a particularly rough day. I threw my favorite CD into my discman and headed out to the woods. My big trans cat followed me. S/he jumped around the leaves and would come for petting, then head out again. It was a really windy day. I was so lost in my music and myself that day. I sat on a boulder a few yards into the woods. When I looked up at one point, I was suddenly in the middle of a small herd of white-tail deer. Two of the younger ones were about 4 feet from me, craning their necks to get a sniff. I looked at them, and did not move. My cat played amongst the deer and would come back to me, then go off again. We were like that for a few precious minutes, then the wind broke a large tree nearby. It startled the deer and they bolted, but before that, we were at ease with one another. I think it helped that my cat was about the size and color of a raccoon and interacting with me. I think it made the deer feel somewhat safer in approaching. They certainly knew I was there… It was such a Zen, calming moment. I had forgotten about it until earlier this week… I need to keep that kind of stuff up. I need to play with my animals more, and take time to myself. Everything seems so chaotic around here, I need a place to just be.
After my session with D, I decided to go out to the beach. It was overcast and windy, and I was hoping the sky would open up and pour down on me while there, but that did not happen. I walked the beach. I looked at the treasures found along the wrack line… I think there were a few egg cases from some type of mollusk, but I am not sure what they were from. There was also a variety of seeds. I walked in the waves. I had rolled up my pants, but the waves were very choppy. I ended up getting soaked up to my upper thighs. I didn’t really care… It was nice to be there. I definitely need to do that more often.