Tag Archives: happy

Exhausted

I used to be able to spend entire days in the company of other humans and still function when I got home. Today I spent a few hours with a friend after my therapy appointment and I can barely function now. I’ve always been an introvert who needed her time to recharge, but it feels particularly brutal today.

Overall it was a good day, I’m just really, really tired now…

In therapy we talked about the concept of putting on masks both as a child to keep up the facade of a happy family, and more recently to keep the facade of a functioning adult. There aren’t as many masks today, but they are still very practiced and easy to slip on. Dr C reminded me that I can be my genuine self with her (she wants me to be)… It’s so easy to be fake that it’s now second nature. I actually have to think about doing it to be able to drop it… go figure. It’s exhausting to fake appearances, but it’s actually more exhausting to drop the mask…


Dear TM…

Dear TM,

Everything inside is collapsing, but I’m pushing through. I keep remembering you telling me to just power through these next few days and everything will settle more after the move. I wish I had recorded that conversation, because I could really use actually hearing it again right now.

not my image…

 

I want to cry and scream and break things. And I want to jump for joy. And I want to hide in your office and find comfort in your presence. And I want to go to the beach & take it in again before leaving. And I want to destroy myself. I want all these very opposite things all at once. I hate that I feel things so strongly, with very little idea of how to moderate them. I wish the feelings were not so intense. I swear I never grew out of that little kid stage where every negative emotion feels like it will kill me. It’s all so intense right now. If I’m not walling it off and numbing it out, it’s eating me alive.

I’m doing it though. I’m powering through without totally self-destructing. I’m keeping the sh in check. I’m reaching out to friends and family… Just have to make it through this weekend and the move.

I go back to see Dr. C on the 13th. I have to figure out how to catch her up on everything that’s happened in the last 2.5 years. I almost want to ask her for a longer session so I can get it all out at once (because I don’t think I’ll be able to see her again till August due to finances). I’m really hoping she will be around for a while. I think she is planning on retiring this year. I’m not looking forward to that. I don’t want to have to keep saying goodbye… :/ At least I know her and trust her. That will be good to go back to. I’m sure there will be an adjustment period, and I’ll have to refresh her memory on stuff, but it won’t be as bad as totally starting fresh.

Trying to remember to breathe…

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to maintain contact so badly when I’m leaving (but not being able to). I have not wanted to be friends with an ex-t in SO long… well, not friends, but I want you to still be in my life. Only I know even if I were staying we would have ended b/c I was crashing. This sucks. If I win the lottery ever, I will donate some to you guys with the suggestion that you work with clients for longer once again, and be able to provide more supportive services. Trust is SO hard. To have to build it time and time again in short order just keeps replaying all those childhood hurts. But you said you understood that, so I don’t really need to tell you so much as I need to tell the county… 😦

Anyway, I’ll shut up now. It’s not like you will ever see this. I hope you have a good weekend, and enjoy margaritas on your patio (did we ever talk about my margarita obsession? because when you mentioned it I did a double-take… fresh Lime in the Coconut margaritas are my favorites… another thing I will miss about here). L comes down Sunday, and we have already slated in margarita nights before leaving… I wish you could have met her (and she you)…

Anyway, yeah… I miss you a lot, but that call the other day helped a ton. Gonna keep reminding myself of all you said. Thank you for being so nice…

pieces,
sj


Right side of history

I did a little happy dance as I read that marriage equality is now legal in all 50 states! Finally ❤


venting

I can’t seem to stop crying. This move is what my wife and I have been working towards for three years, but it still hurts. And it’s all right at the same time as a really crappy anniversary. It just sucks. I’m not sure where to turn for real-life support around any of it. I’m not even sure what I would want or need as support. No one seems to be able to understand that it sucks as much as it does (I’m not sure even I totally get why it hurts so much). Everyone thinks I should just be happy that I’m back with my wife (which I totally am!), but there’s also this anniversary of my aunt’s death (she was the safe place to go when my dad got out of control), and losing her house, and having to re-home one of my cats as well as say goodbye to my mom & her critters, and leaving my friends, and having to have said goodbye to TM… and I’m pms’ing, which ALWAYS makes everything a million times harder.

It’s weird, because my ptsd got so much worse when I moved here, but the thought of leaving the week after next is also really triggering. I feel like I’m leaving my mom to an abusive situation again (did that at 17 when I couldn’t stay at my home any longer b/c of my dad), though this time she lives alone – there isn’t any current abuse, but it still *feels* the same, and I don’t know how to shake that feeling. I was never good at protecting her or taking care of her as a kid, and I’m no better at it as an adult. I feel like a little kid again. Writing it out here though, I’m realizing it’s probably mostly the old stuff, and it’s kinda helping to recognize that.

Yesterday I gave in and went out with friends for our usual Wednesday night trivia at a local restaurant. I should not have gone out and spent money, but I want to get all the time in with them that I can. It took me 10 minutes to walk into the place though. I couldn’t stop crying in the car. On the way home, I tore out of the parking lot and cried again when I got back into my driveway. I know I won’t lose touch with my friend b/c we’ve been friends since middle school. We just keep finding each other and catching up, but it’s another loss at a time when so many are already very prominent.

I haven’t cried this much since ending with De this same time last year. I hate it. I don’t know how not to be overwhelmed by this. I have to keep it together though. I have to sort through all my crap and pack it up and wrap up loose ends. All I want to do is either hide in bed and cry, or go to the beach and ignore the move (still trying to figure out how to get more beach time in before I leave).

I’m really hating that I don’t have a therapist to talk to right now. I could call Dr. C, but I need to ask her if I can skip a payment on my old bill next month. I don’t want to have to simultaneously ask for extra help from her when I know I can’t pay for it in the moment… I’m kinda mad the stupid IOP was so triggering. It would have been nice to be able to process some of this stuff. It’s easier to be rambling and directionless in my whining in a setting like that where it’s somewhat expected. And it would be ok to whine and ask for support. I don’t know how to do that with people in my life. I’m supposed to know what I’m asking for, and how to ask for it, and how to do it on my own before even asking. That’s just what society expects. That way you are not really asking for anything, just acknowledging that you are stuck. People don’t have to be made uncomfortable by not knowing what to do (even if all you need is for them to listen and care so you can just get the jumbled mess out of your head)…

I’m really glad to be back with my wife soon, but I wish the change wasn’t happening on the stupid anniversary. A month earlier or later would have been a bit easier (later, I’m guessing, would have been easiest b/c things always get easier once the anniversary passes… and I might have had TM’s support through that day). July 7th has not been easy at all since being down here. At least up north, some years I wouldn’t even know it was coming up. Down here though, the distress over it hits hard more than a month before, and it just keeps getting worse as the day nears. For the past 2 years, it’s also been the time I have to say goodbye to my therapist, so there’s no reliable support around getting through it. 😦

I’m so tired of all this. It needs to get better again up north. I don’t have the energy to keep going through this all the time.

Sorry. I don’t know how not to be so needy right now.


new art challenge: “disgustingly happy art”

Therapy was better today. While I didn’t talk about everything I had wanted to, I was able to give TM part of a journal entry to read. She had asked about the flashbacks, but I couldn’t speak it, so I just handed her the pages. I warned her it was kinda detailed, and she could skim if she wanted… After reading the paragraph about the flashbacks, she back-tracked to read the beginning part of the page. I’m kinda glad she did. There was stuff there I had wanted to ask her, but couldn’t bring myself to say. To her credit, I couldn’t pick up on any outward reaction from her. I’m glad. I think I would have interpreted anything at all as judgement…

I also showed her the “monsters in the closet” art journal. We talked about all of it a bit. I ended up describing some recent history from the last batch of hospitalizations. I was trying to explain why I think L is justified in her panic responses sometimes (even though I dislike it and I wish she didn’t worry so much, I understand why she does). I’m not sure if it was the lighting and shadows in the room or what, but I thought I saw TM tear-up. I really hope my eyes were playing tricks on me. If not, I worry about breaking her too. The point that I thought I saw her eyes get wet was not a point in the story that was particularly emotional to anyone that does not know me. That would mean that she was reacting to something on her end. I don’t want to bring stuff up for people. I don’t want to break them just in being me… I did that already with one therapist. I really don’t want to break another. If there’s any credibility to the threat of me possibly contributing to her being broken, I’m out. No way. No more. I’ve broken the dogs, I broke N, I broke L, I broke De… no more breaking people…

10940461_10153013715089892_3865196304632814884_nAnyway, TM tasked me with focusing on the positives this coming week (probably to contrast all the crap from last week). I am to create a piece of “disgustingly happy art” with unicorns and Pegasus and rainbows. “The happier the better” even if it’s totally fake. And I’m supposed to journal about the process. I’m also supposed to journal/track when I feel “ok”. It all feels hugely, frustratingly fake. I’ve already started the painting, but I also already want to tear it up. The proportions and shading is all wrong. I can’t figure out how to do the wings correctly… It was supposed to be a white horse on a celestial bg, but because I screwed up the shading, it’s now a black and brown horse. That means I need to come up with a different bg scheme now. And I need to add other annoyingly, disgustingly cute and happy things, but I’m not sure what. Probably butterflies and flowers and [ew!!] pink things! If I don’t shred it, I may throw up all over it… The only way I got this far was telling myself I was making it to give to TM (or L, who actually wants it. though darkness would seep in to L’s so I have to keep thinking it’s for TM right now)… Another friend also wants it, but she is third in line. I joked and told her I would have to make prints so everyone could get a copy.

 

So yeah… that’s that. I think I need to try to sleep now before my cranky mood returns.


Depression colors everything

I woke this morning wanting to cry my eyes out. Depression sucks. It’s a gorgeous day. There was a quick shower, and a pretty rainbow, and I want to cry harder.
L reminded me there are only 12 days till my visit, and I was overwhelmed with a heaviness. How is it that such a happy experience should make me so sad? because I know the sadness at leaving will be heavy and wet and incredibly intense. I know, I shouldn’t focus on the ending before it even begins. That’s the fun part of depression though; it doesn’t give a shit…
An acquaintance made the move to initiate friendship, and that made me want to cry also. People shouldn’t be nice to me. They shouldn’t put forth the effort, they’ll just be infected by this black sludge that invisibly oozes from every pore. I admit, I do my best to hide it if you see me out and about, but it’s there. It’s sticky and heavy and traps everything in its path…
I wanted to cry when I read an account of someone’s snakes living well into their 50’s. I wanted to cry because I was both happy that mine may be with me for a much longer time, and sad that the hurt would be huge when they do finally pass… I know, you are thinking “but they’re snakes!? They’re icky and slithery and snakes!?” But they have their personalities and they are not icky at all… and I will miss them when they move out of my life, like I miss every pet I have ever shared my life with…
So yeah, depression is loud and very present this morning despite my best efforts to smile and decide to be happy. It’s coloring everything with those dark storm clouds… I can see the rainbow, but it’s very faint and fading fast, leaving only the gray clouds.

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Distractions

The weekend was nice. It was the first time in a long time that I was out and about all weekend without too much thinking… it was pleasant even if anxiety did come a few times. TL would say this is huge. I’m content on saying it was nice.

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Yesterday and Sunday was spent doing art all day, both days. I was waiting for various things to dry, so I started other things. I actually did complete one piece last night. I kept the layers to paint and ink so I didn’t really have to wait for gel medium to dry. It is the second large piece I’ve attempted recently, but the first to be finished. It was done in the style of my art journal. I have ideas about how it should be mounted, but that looks to be way too expensive to make happen. I want to float-mount it inside a shadow box frame. To get a prefabricated frame big enough to fit the painting, I’d be spending upwards of $150. I simply can’t afford that right now, so I’m not sure how to even display the painting for proper pictures. Maybe if I could find some older frames that fit my needs, I could tweak them to work, but even that is difficult. Shadow box frames have only relatively recently come into fad. They are pretty difficult to find in thrift stores and flea markets. :/ maybe tomorrow I can head back to the flea market and see what I can find…

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I’ve also been working on a piece that I had intended for TL, but I’m not liking the way it’s turning out. The gel transfer at the top doesn’t look clean enough. I may just suck it up and paint in the mountains. It might also work better for the figure I will be painting in there.

On an unrelated note, the cats are being jerks. One of them is peeing on or around the couch and I can’t find it to clean it up. It stinks. Really badly. I know it’s my fault (I’m slacking on litter box cleaning and there are still lots of fleas in that room despite the blanket of diatomaceous earth)… I need to dig up that black light I have to be able find this stuff. It smells worse than a neglected kennel in here. :/