Hard NO on gabapentin ever again. **Trigger warning – self-harm thoughts**

I really need to remember (and underscore) that psych meds and I really don’t play well together.

I’ve noticed, and been able to label, psychotic thoughts getting stronger with each dose… The biggest “aha” moment came tonight after my evening dose (#3 in total) when I scratched an itch on my scalp, and thought “I should just rip it off”, and I pictured myself ripping off a large chunk of my scalp to relieve the itch. That is not a normal thought!

I may be experiencing psychotic thoughts, but I’m aware enough to recognize them as such.

After figuring that out, I did a quick Google search; apparently, psychotic agitation is a “rare” paradoxical effect of gabapentin…

References on this phenomenon:

• A “letter to the editor“
• From the NIH
• From the Canadian Psychiatric Association
• Another case study

There’s more out there, but I’m having trouble concentrating… My tongue is very present at the moment, and it’s flashing up a thought to “just chew it off to stop it from feeling that way”… Seriously not fun right now…

I feel like I might cry and laugh maniacally at the same time… My emotions are all over the place, mostly hypomanic & psychotic. I know I need to turn over and try to sleep, I just need to stop being scared of the thoughts. They are just thought. I don’t need to act on them. They will pass. I just need to let myself sleep…

Re: dissociation

You know how sometimes the universe just smacks you upside the head when it really wants to drive something home? Well, that’s been happening a lot these last few days.

I spent a fair amount of time yesterday and the day before going back over old posts. I do that sometimes simply because I can’t remember much from day to day. Everything is compartmentalized between emotional states…

Anyway, in my fb feed today, there were several posts about trauma and dissociation. The latest one I read was a fairly in-depth article on DID, OSDD, and dissociation. It covers symptoms and diagnostic criteria, as well as links to assessment tools (though none are meant to diagnose alone, but rather in conjunction with assessments by a trained professional).

Anyway, I know I have an OSDD diagnosis. I remember that even when I’m not directly confronted by it. The part I seem to forget is that there has been conversation around changing that to DID… so imagine my reaction when reading the article and finding I petty much fit the diagnosis to a T… I was taken aback by it for a while, then I started to vaguely remember conversations with Dr C about me being on the DID end of the spectrum.

As the realization hit (apparently “again”), I started to panic a little. I decided to try the self assessments they mentioned. Yup. Wouldn’t you know, they peg me as correlating highly with others having a DID diagnosis. Great. So now I’m remembering a bit more about my conversations around it all with Dr C. I want to say I remember at least 4 different times when I was shocked by her mention of it, and then settling on calling it something more benign, like “severe dissociation” or “fractured ego states”…

It frustrates me that I seem to forget these conversations so completely until something pointing to it shoves itself into my awareness… how many more times will I “forget” about our conversations around the intensity of my dissociation? I guess I’m improving on it though, as it seems to take less time to “remember” we’ve talked about it before. The first two times or so, I didn’t realize it till she asked later if I remembered having that conversation before. At least now I don’t need her prompting before the memory sparks.

Anyway… I’m not really sure where I was going with this other than to link the page on DID.

Maybe I’ll post screenshots of my results from the 2 questionnaires. (and maybe next time I’m faced with this info, I’ll remember that I’ve heard it before)

New stress toys

Also, a “kaleidoscope” bulb (I wish I could upload the video of it, but a pic will have to do); it reminds me of being underwater 😍

Dissociative experiences scale

Dr C had mentioned the dissociative experiences scale a few sessions back, but she couldn’t find a copy in her files at the time. I forgot to mention it again in session. I thought I’d look it up online. I found one at CounsellingResource.com and took it…

While not quite at the DID end of the scale, I did apparently score closer to it than to “normal”;

I also took some of the other screenings they had. I scored really high on depression and anxiety… fun.

Trauma-Informed Creative Arts Therapy Articles

This came across my feed and I wanted to share/save it. I really like this page, they have a lot of good info and resources. It’s mostly geared towards professionals, but there’s other resources there also.

Trauma-Informed Creative Arts Therapy Articles

One of the first articles listed is about art journaling as self-help.

holy links batman!

Ok, so in a (seemingly futile) effort to find an article on parenting to the emotional needs of your child that my brother wanted to read, I keep stumbling across a bunch of other stuff I want to read. I have no time at the moment to devote to the tons of articles I’m finding, however I do want to save them for later. If I simply bookmark them, I’ll never look at them again…

So, in case anyone else is also interested, here’s a dump of some of the stuff I came across today. I have not read any of them yet, so I dunno how useful or interesting they are, but either the topic or title piqued my interest:

• http://lemonlimeadventures.com/sensory-break-ideas-for-kids/
• http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/24/this-is-the-lasting-impact-of-sexual-assault-and-domestic-violence_n_7655684.html?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women
• http://lifehacker.com/the-misconceptions-about-mental-illness-we-need-to-unle-1711647132?utm_content=buffer54558&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer
• http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=725
• http://trauma.blog.yorku.ca/2015/05/teaching-children-about-trauma-the-river-speaks-series/
• http://www.amazon.ca/dp/1615190287/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_dp_kcMzvb10ETFC4
• https://drkathleenyoung.wordpress.com/2011/06/09/talking-vs-processing-in-trauma-therapy/
• http://www.sidran.org/resources/for-survivors-and-loved-ones/how-to-choose-a-therapist-for-post-traumatic-stress-and-dissociative-conditions/
• http://trauma-recovery.ca/recovery/phases-of-trauma-recovery/

now that I have those written down, time to hurry my butt up and get to work – doggie play day!!!! 😀 I love when my boss puts me into camp.

Oh, also, if anyone finds any articles on parenting to the emotional needs of your kids, could you link me to them? a week later and I still can’t find the article I’m looking for. The wealth of info available on the internet is amazing, but quite overwhelming at times!

Six kids books that use psych techniques to help kids (link)

Got this through my feed and want to save it somewhere for later reference.

Six books that use psychological techniques to help kids (from smithsonian.com)

Also, I picked up some cool finds while tag-saleing this weekend, one of which is an antique (from the 70’s?) book that explains death/grief to kids. I will take some pics when I remember to bring it in from the car.

two “new” resources I’d like to point you to.

The first is the blog WorthIt2BMe – Healing from Complex Trauma & PTSD. It has a really comprehensive overview of trauma theory, it’s effects, and useful links. It also has a great “outside” library of reputable trauma information sources.

The second is the APA’s overview of changes to PTSD diagnostic criteria in the DSM-V. It’s a .pdf, and written in relatively “plain english” to highlight the differences in diagnosing PTSD as of the release of the new DSM. While they have a lot of progress to make around understanding the effects fo trauma, this is a decent start.