Monthly Archives: January 2015

New art journal in progress (with periodic updates)

I don’t have a working title or anything, but this is layer one. Not quite sure how to proceed. There will be some level of cover up, but not sure what. There’s an idea I want to combine this with, but again, not sure how to execute it… the face was inspired by the journal pic I found online. Her’s is better I think. My pen face sketches and color need lots of work.

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2/1/15 – The next layer isn’t as bad as I had feared. It still needs more, but it’s coming along. It’s a combination of the above reference pic, another journal pic from online (which I can only find in the google search, it no longer seems to exist on deviantart.com), and the Sandman character from s1e3 from the series Sleepy Hollow.

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There’s still a lot fo work to do on it, but I am waiting for the image transfer to dry on the opposite page so I can start connecting the two halves of the image… I’m glad I was finally able to get past the initial block of staring at the blank page without knowing where to start. Sometimes a blank page is your best friend, other times your worst enemy.

 

 


quote

I don’t know who said this, as the person quoting it did not cite it, but I think it’s something to think about:

“Give up all hope of having a better past.”

Nothing in the world you can do (short of time travel, which we have not figured out) can change the past. We can only hope to make the present and future better…


stalled

been trying to do some art, any art really, but can’t get past staring at the blank page. I have spurts of half-formed ideas but as soon as I sit down to try them, I lose motivation.

I have nothing to write; I have nothing creative…

I feel totally emotionally drained. I’m not sure why. The narrative I did for TM wasn’t that triggering (at least I didn’t think it was). Though I did forget the whole emotional upheaval around the bitch situation. That was an emotional rollercoaster. I went from elated to relieved to angry to sad in the matter of a few short hours. I slept a lot, but it was full of nightmares. I’m not quite sure why I had forgotten all of that till this moment. Ok, so that explains the emotional draining…

I guess it’s time to just breath through the weekend. This week has felt incredibly long. I hope the weekend goes by quickly.


Tiny Buddha article on growing self acceptance

I found this a few days ago and wanted to share it, but I also wanted to write something about it… Unfortunately, I’m not in the head-space to pay attention to it. I still want to share it though, because it’s pretty good. Check it out if you are interested.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-vital-lessons-people-feel-like-theyre-not-good-enough/

If you have time, it’s a good site to float around on also. Lots of good articles. I first found it when De gave me an article on grief from there. I didn’t like all the points of the article, but a bunch were good.

Anyway, yeah. Good site. Good article.


There’s finally hope for a sense of safety in the world

I’m not sure how to explain this without sounding like a scary psychopath, so please bear with me.

Earlier this morning, my dad (whom I no longer have contact with and who lives in another country) was Skyping with my mom. The topic of his oldest sister came up. He described some of the things she has been saying and doing lately that have caused even him to sever ties with her (she would probably qualify for a dx of psychopath. she was always horribly abusive to everyone in the family, but my dad was wrapped around her little finger for a lot of years)… Anyway, he was concerned about her behavior and current level of delusions. I chimed in that he should probably call social services on her and ask them to check up on her because what she was saying leads the family to believe she will seriously harm someone… He actually agreed (something he has never done before, but I guess even he is scared of her now).

The part that has me feeling shitty is my reaction to the thought of someone coming in, forcibly taking her away and forcibly medicating her: I’m elated. This is more than just happy, I’m ready to jump for joy and throw a party… I would love to be a fly on the wall if they actually do take her away, and I would be smiling from ear to ear as she screams that they are just trying to kill her (I think she’s got some dementia going on at this point, because she’s quite delusional). This reaction is so far from who I see myself as, that it really bothers me. But, she is the only person on the planet that elicits this kind of reaction. Literally anyone else I will argue that their background has brought them to where they are today, and I will feel bad for them. Pick any horrific serial killer or psychopath on the planet, and I will feel compassion for them (not saying they shouldn’t pay for their crimes or abuses, but that I can see how what they went through in life brought them to the point they are at and I feel bad for them). I can understand the same with bitch, but I don’t feel bad for her and I still really want her to suffer. I don’t care about her circumstances growing up, I don’t care about her trauma history, I don’t care about her mental illnesses. She fucked with too many people I do care about for me to even remotely feel any compassion for her at all. She was horribly abusive to everyone… I want to see her suffer for it.

While I would never act on some of the fantasies I hold about what I would like to see done to her, the level of pleasure I get from thinking about them scares me. I don’t like this aspect of myself (it makes me too much like her)… The more I think about what may happen to her if social services steps in and gets her out of society, the more relief I feel. I really want this to happen. I really want her not to be able to hurt anyone else any more. I would love to find out that they took her and have her on high levels of antipsychotics and sedatives. Finally, the world would feel kinda safe…

Does being so utterly happy about the thought of her locked up and heavily medicated make me as bad as her?

_______________________________________

Someone on a support forum helped me re-frame his pretty well. She pointed out that it sounded like I was looking for validation around the abuse. She hit the nail on the head. My whole life, the only 2 people who ever agreed that bitch was a horrid person were my mom and my aunt (the middle sister on my dad’s side). Everyone else bought into her charm and her “woe is me. they hate little, innocent me for no reason!”. She was really good at charming the pants off everyone while she beat you down behind their backs. Seeing her finally have to face some sort of consequences for her behavior would finally be external validation that we are not the crazy, abusive ones…


When therapists throw a wrench in your plans.

So, I did the trauma narrative last night.  It had me feeling “off” ever since finishing. I agonized over leaving a message for TM all night and most of today. I finally settled on taking the risk of sounding overly needy and leaving her a voice mail. I remembered her saying Wednesdays are her late days, so calling at 11 am should have given me the safety of being able to leave a message vs having to speak to her. I thought about what I wanted to say, and rehearsed it in my head over and over again. I took a deep breath and dialed.

:ring:
:ring:
(OK, come on vm, pick up so I can talk to you before I forget what I want to say)
:ri..:”Hello, this is TM”
(Panic. Shit! She wasn’t supposed to be there yet! Cue being totally tactless and stupid) “Doh! You weren’t supposed to pick up… I…”
“Is this Samantha?”
“Yes… sorry. I had something to say, but you threw me off by answering…”

I appreciate she answers her phone when she has availability, but… ugh! It was such an awkward phone call and I didn’t manage to say what I needed to. Luckily she laughs at my dry humor, and I totally appreciate that she tried to get me to articulate what I had intended to say… sometimes I miss that calls to TL went straight to voice mail.


“Disgustingly happy art” was approved (and thoughts on today)

disgustingly happy artMet with TM again today and showed her the finished Unicorn Pegasus picture. She really liked it. We talked about how difficult it was to do, and how it didn’t really meet my standards, but that it was growing on me. I had intended to explain that trying to do the happier piece in my art journal was very triggering, but I forgot to bring it up. I wanted to explain that the art journal needed to be where I could be genuine with the expression, but we ended up talking about how taking the art journal classes was helping me be less critical of my work.

I also mentioned that the Unicorn Pegasus piece may or may not find a way to go up in flames after session, so she asked if she could keep it. :shrugs: All good. I had to think I was making it for her to keep anyway in order to be able to finish it, so I was ok with her actually keeping it. At first she had said she wouldn’t hang it up because she knew how uncomfortable having my other piece up had made me. I came to the conclusion that the piece in the hallway was too vulnerable, which made me feel exposed. We kinda talked about that a bit. While I know a lot of my art expresses stuff, the more vulnerable and “dark” a piece is, the harder it is to have it seen by random people. It’s kinda like having my journal hanging up in the hallway for anyone to read; just too personal. The Unicorn Pegasus was a piece done “on commission” so it doesn’t make me feel as exposed.

I showed her my art journal that I had started in May. I told her how it was an easier way to express things than in writing, and it was safer in many respects. I have had my written journals read by too many uninvited people to have that feel like a safe way to get things out of me. At least with the art journal, a lot is left up to interpretation. Unless I tell you exactly what I was trying to express, you either interpret it correctly or you don’t. And if you happen to guess it but I don’t want you to know that, I can explain it as something else…

She used the title of “counselor” today and I was able to correct her in real-time about it. I told her how and why it made me uncomfortable. I joked with her that I “get stupid” as soon as I walk through the door to the building anyway, so even if I had gotten my degree, I doubt I could come up with anything intelligent. She kinda laughed at that, then agreed to change her wording to “former intern”. On the heels of that discussion going well, I took a breath and asked for a reality check around whether or not she had believed me the last session when I told her I cut my finger by accident. She admitted that she didn’t know me well yet, but was going on the assumption that I was being honest. I told her that I do my best to be as honest as possible in therapy. If there’s something I don’t want to answer, I will stay quiet rather than lie about it. I was relieved that she didn’t think I was lying, and told her so. We talked a bit more about working in therapy and trying to get out of the rut I seem to be in. I think she may have been generalizing a bit about noticing that I am trying (because really, she’s seen me 3 times. Yes I put forth effort, but I don’t think it’s as obvious as she made it sound… though maybe it is and I just don’t notice it). I may have to bring that up with her, because I don’t believe people when they say nice things about me, especially if I don’t think they would have the knowledge to make a particular statement. It feels fake and forced and like something G would do (either right before or right after harshly criticizing someone else), so it makes me wonder. I know she is not G. I am pretty sure she would not act like he did, however positive stuff towards me always makes me cringe (I know I felt this same way towards TL, and it brough up a lot of transference. I hope TM will be able to tackle it a bit more if it comes up with her also)…

This week’s homework is a bit different: I’m supposed to “practice” doing a trauma narrative. I’m supposed to pick a stressful memory and write about it more formally (beginning, middle, end). I could also do art around it if it’s easier. I may end up doing both… We talked about my desire to be pushed on the trauma work. She mentioned that she normally would not move this quickly, but I seem to have coping skills at my disposal. She is trusting that I will manage myself safely. We reviewed how I have been trying to cope when triggered. She wanted to add to it calling the office hotline. I told her how uncomfortable I was speaking on the phone, and how I often trip over my words or minimize things if I actually get to the point of speaking to a human being (normally I hang up before that can happen).  I told her I will sometimes contact the crisis chats and she seemed ok with that compromise. I guess if it ever gets to her really wanting me to speak with someone at the office, then I can ask her to warn them that I have a difficult time on the phone and it may take more effort on their end to get me to talk… Anyway, this homework is only practice because we are trying to keep triggering to a minimum. She doesn’t even want me to pick a trauma memory, just something more stressful. I’m supposed to describe the event in detail and add as much of both the emotions and thoughts surrounding it as I can recall. I’m also supposed to stop if I get too triggered or stressed. I tried to explain that I am triggered regardless, but she still wants me to take it slower. I’m still trying to figure out what to go with. One thought is the whole incident around Dr. Ass-Wipe wanting to force me into ECT. It’s something I have yet to really process, and I actually remember most of it. It’s also something that reinforces my desire to stay away from psych hospitalizations. Even if I am triggered and freaking out, it will be a very loud reminder to stay safe at all costs.

Can someone remind me to talk to her next week about the difficulty of doing a trauma narrative around something that comes splotchy and fragmented? I don’t really know how to do a “beginning, middle, end” when all I can remember is flashes of various “middles”…