Monthly Archives: July 2016


I’m so tired:

  • Of feeling like crap all the time
  • Of never getting enough sleep
  • Of getting over one hurdle to be tripped up by the next
  • Of constantly feeling like my body is not my own because of body memories
  • Of never getting anywhere in life
  • Of this unending cycle

I’m just so tired…

Why does my wife even put up with me? 

The fill-in therapist is nice. 

Talking to Dr C’s fill-in today was helpful. I brought up my continued issue with taking responsibility for things (specifically my student loans). She gave me some tools to help ease the automatic tapes that scream at me every time I think about my inability to repay the loans… I’m not sure her suggestions helped as much as her repeating a new grounding mantra a few times (something about being an adult, away from my past, and not wanting to allow myself to continue the abuse)… her approach is different from Dr C’s a bit, but it’s helpful in the moment. Dr C is good for getting at the root of all this stuff and dealing with the past. Fill-in therapist’s approach is more cbt/reality and good for handling things in the moment (while also still accepting that I’ve lived with the abusive tapes since I was little, so it makes sense that they would have been adopted as my own)…

She’s a good fill-in therapist. I’m glad Dr C ended up finding her (she was the third choice, as choices 1 and 2 didn’t work out). I’m not sure I could work with her as a primary therapist (cbt/dbt tends to trigger failure tapes), but it was really helpful today. 

I’m still shaking from having called the student loan people, and kinda dissociated, but the tapes it usually triggers are much quieter. 

Only 2 more weeks and Dr C is back. Well, she’ll be back in the county in just under 2 weeks, and we’ll have group that week that she returns, but individual doesn’t start up again till the following week. 

I need to get in gear now and make some sample journal pages for the two things I want to demonstrate in tonight’s workshop. I think only 2 people are coming, but I still need demo pieces. 


Woke up at 1:30am after going to sleep at 10:30… I feel wide awake, but because I feel “gross”… I want to pop out of bed to take a shower. I want to scrub my skin till it feels clean, and shave my hair off because it feels dirty… I’m not quite sure why I feel this way right now. Maybe it’s the body sensations that just won’t leave… 

I can feel what was done to me, and it makes me feel dirty. It’s melding memories with dream scenarios. I’m not really doing it on purpose, but the sensations from the memories are being embellished by story lines. The narrative is changing from something really disturbing to something a bit easier to handle… I’m not sure I’m explaining that correctly. It’s like I’m laying another track over the original sensations, one that tells a different story and makes it all more acceptable (the body sensations might be from the past, but I’m “picturing” them in relation to something more acceptable, like an appropriate adult situation, and not the inappropriate situations they actually belong to). It’s not totally a conscious thing. I think it started out that way at one time, but tonight it feels more like an attempt at averting disaster while Dr C is on vacation (I don’t want to have to deal with increasing flashbacks and memories without her to help process it all). It’s a weird feeling knowing that the sensations belong to something other than the story I’m currently telling myself, and knowing that i’m able to lessen the impact of the memories this way, but not totally sure how I’m managing it. It’s in my control, but it’s not. The protective part of me is in charge of this, and I feel like I’m letting someone else control the pedals while I’m in the driver seat… also not an accurate description , but I’m not sure how to really explain it. It’s like a semi-aware dissociation?  I dunno… it’s weird. It’s new, but it’s also kinda ok. 

I’m wide fucking awake. It’s 2:34 and there’s no hint of me being sleepy. I’m bored, but don’t really want to sleep. No, that’s not accurate. I do want to sleep, but my brain is wide awake. I’m tired both emotionally and physically, but my brain just won’t shut down.  It feels like i’m running from something, like i’m craving distraction to avoid the inevitable… it’s a feeling I’m recognizing as a precursor to being terrified of going to sleep.


I know this isn’t making much sense. I’m not sure how to describe what’s going on. Maybe in the morning I’ll be better able to express myself? I dunno. I’m really fighting the urge to jump in the shower right now… though if it would help me sleep, I’m not sure why I’m fighting it. 

weirdest flashback yet (TRIGGER for talk of suicide)

ok, so I’m calling it a flashback because it came in super-intense, lasted a few seconds (though felt like forever), then completely faded leaving a hollow echo…

so yeah, had my weirdest flashback yet; I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought/urge/almost action to kill myself. Specifically, it very much echoed my first (and most serious deliberate) attempt.

I am not currently suicidal. I have not felt that way in quite a while, except for around 5:20pm tonight. It came out of nowhere, hit hard, and dissolved into nothingness. I was aware of it as something that “didn’t fit” with the rest of my current reality. I had a quick dialogue with myself in the background of the overwhelming feelings. I was aware that I was having a dialogue and that this other overwhelmingness was playing over that.

It took me a while to label it as a flashback though.

I knew it was “wrong” in intensity for my general mood lately. I knew it came on very hard and seemingly un-provoked, but I didn’t identify it as that first attempt until finally talking it through with a crisis chat (everyone else I would have contacted or tried to contact to talk it through was unavailable). In the back of my head, I’ve been wondering if today was the true anniversary of that first attempt because I saw a fb “memory” that hinted at it. The time of day would have been about right for that attempt. The line of thinking that was intruding would have also been accurate for that attempt… and it completely left as fast as it came on, so I’m gonna call it a flashback.

That was super-disturbing. I wonder what part of me was scared so much by something to throw that out at me for the first time in a long time? And I kinda wonder if all those times I was dealing with “impulsiveness” was really just a flashback that I couldn’t label as one yet. I did manage to traumatize myself pretty badly (and many others) with that attempt. I distinctly remember being terrified of doing it, but also feeling like I had no choice anymore because I had made the decision within myself, and needed to honor that decision… I kinda bullied myself into it right before; I was both the abuser and the one being abused…

Anyway, so… yeah. Weirdest flashback yet, but really glad I was able to identify it as one. Now, back to the general “meh” feeling of having my emotions jumbled due to hormonal fluctuations.

4 years of blogging

So, yeah… started this blog 4 years ago. Cool…

Anxiety hitting really high today

I work part time at a kennel. For the better part of the last 8 months, I have taken my dogs to work with me when I go (though for space reasons, they did not come with me around the 4th of July holiday this past year)… so, while they are with me at work most of the time, there have been times I’ve left them home. For the first time in my recollection, I had massive anxiety/panic around going to work alone today. I almost turned around as I pulled in to work to drive the 45 minutes home to get them, but I talked myself out of it (I would have been 2 hours late if I did that).

I’m not sure what’s going on today, but my panic was at the level it had been when I lived down south. I could barely concentrate. It abated a bit once camp ended and two of the dogs came to sit with me at the front desk, but returned once they both left for the day… L thinks is has something to do with Dr C’s vacation (not having the regular supports in place), and also linked to my judgement around the emotional disruption her vacation is triggering. She may be on to something: 1)I’m hugely upset at myself for taking her vacation so hard. She has every right to get away and enjoy herself. 2)tomorrow would be group if she were here… not only has my individual support been changed, but group is gone as well. I’ll see her colleague tomorrow morning, but I’m also anxious about that. There’s been a whole lot of regression happening lately and I can’t get all the negative mh experiences out of my head…

I’ve wanted to cry on and off since getting to work, and the urge was strong the whole way home. I wasn’t able to let myself cry, but it’s been threatening most of the day. The anxiety even carried over once I got home… it’s finally settling down again 3 hours later. I hope it will let me sleep. 

Speaking of sleep, I didn’t get much last night (or the past few weeks before last night). I’m sure that’s playing into my anxiety as well. Oh, and I’m super emotional courtesy of my period. So, yeah… today was a rough day. I’m glad I only have therapy tomorrow, then nothing again till the weekend (ugh, remind me on Saturday that I actually enjoy the paper meetings and the reptile shows)…

I think tonight calls for some herbal assistance to finish quieting the anxiety and to help me sleep…

Updateless update

Not doing much lately. The anniversary has come and gone without major incident. Dr C is off on her globe-trotting adventure. I’m working a bunch. L is settling into her new job (and we actually have time to do things together! She doesn’t come home crying either). 
Insomnia is back again. I think I slept for maybe 3 hours last night. The rest of the night was spent trying to sleep. Had a weird dream involving a former boss. We became friends again, but not really. I’m not sure. It was weird though. 

One of the neighbors is off from work this week. She mentioned getting together at some point because she’s just hanging around being bored. Unfortunately, this week I’m working a bunch again. Maybe I’ll bug her tomorrow. She likes crafting/art stuff, as well as walking, so maybe we will do one of those things (or just be lumps on a log together). I dunno. I’m so tired all the time; it gets difficult to motivate to do things. Maybe if I cleaned the house we could do some art, but it currently looks like something off an episode of hoarders…

I’m supposed to see one of Dr C’s colleagues tomorrow. I’m not even sure why I’m going. Yeah, the thought of going a month without support is daunting, but what in the world am I going to talk to this lady about? It’s not like I can work on anything with her… Dr C had mentioned seeing her weekly, but I think I may just do bi-weekly so I only see her twice. I don’t really have the cash for the copays anyway. I dunno… 

I’m just tired… the depression is at baseline (I think). The flashbacks are at baseline (mostly). Everything’s just… flat. 

Been trying to work on some art, but nothing gets past the initial mess. I start a page without any real plan. Normally, the pages resolve themselves as I work. Now, they just become layer upon layer of mess without any resolution… Actually, now that I think about it, it’s kinda mirroring therapy. I feel like I start a bunch of stuff with Dr C, but we never get anywhere with it. Time runs out for the day and then it’s almost forgotten by next session. It’s a combination of other things getting in the way, and me not having the courage to bring it up again, or not knowing where to go next with it. I keep asking her to help me structure things better, but then I keep eluding her attempts at more structure. It’s like I’m shooting myself in the foot one mile into a hike right after asking to make it 20 miles long… 

Transference and loss

I couldn’t get out of my own way yesterday to be able to address anything I had hoped to yesterday. 

My defenses are working overtime. 

I’ve “figured out” (again) that my reactions to Dr C’s vacation are mostly a reaction to the loss of my aunt almost a quarter century ago, and to the other losses that have come around this time of year since then. 

As much as I love the summer weather, it’s generally been a season filed with losses. It’s a time wracked by hugely ambivalent emotions. I love aspects of it, but hate others… 

I’m glad Dr C is going away on vacation because it means she’s taking care of herself, but I hate it because I’m losing my entire outside support system. That’s the downfall of having your individual therapist also be your group therapist…

I was going to try to see her colleague, but turns out she doesn’t take my insurance. Other options are seriously limited. So I’m just going to have to suck it up for the month. 

All this transference and displaced grief are making my chest feel tight. It’s starting to ache from the constant tension. 

After tonight’s shift at work, I’m not on the schedule for another 6 days; another break I really could do without at the moment. At least I won’t have to deal with the customers. I’ve not worked much with the dogs these last few weeks because I needed to cover the customer service end of things. Hopefully next week skeleton pot me back into camp again. I was back there over the holiday and it was much needed. There’s something to be said for cuddles with 30+ dogs who want to pile on top of you. 

Just Stop

I just want it all to stop. I want my brain to stop. I want my body to stop…

I can’t watch TV anymore without something triggering something. 

I’m so tired.