Now you are seeing the hopeless mess that I can become. I don’t like that you will remember me this way. I don’t like that we are ending on this note. I’d prefer you to think of me as someone who can figure shit out and make it in life (coz someone needs to believe that about me. I certainly don’t)…
I’ve put up walls b/c I need you to be a stranger right now. I need to be able to leave without feeling completely crushed about all the losses. It’s not just you I have walls up around. It’s the house, and the state, and mom, and the dog and cats, and art time with my friend, & everything… I’m only going to allow myself to miss the beach. That is all. Everything else is too raw and too painful.
I still want to ask if it would be ok if I called you once I’m settled again… I was going to ask if I could call you on the anniversary day, but it will end up being the day we leave. I will need to concentrate on driving and hanging with the wife… I hope she knows she will have to do the first leg of the journey, the one that gets us out of the driveway and away from this neighborhood. I’m not sure how to say goodbye to all this…
Maybe the IOP will work out? I’m not getting my hopes up, because I don’t have faith in them billing for copays, but at least I can go to the intake without having to pay anything that day. Then we can go from there. The little kid in me wants to keep seeing you as much as I can before I go, but the other part of me sees the heaviness of the depression and knows I would be better off with more support…
I really have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I will come out the other side. I always do.
Please don’t actually hate me, just maybe let me think you do for the moment.
It’s come back to me again recently that I have lost my identity with this disability determination. I used to be a youth worker, a domestic violence counselor, a substance abuse counselor, an educator… now I’m just… nothing. I know De and L and J would all argue against that, but much like L struggled with work being a huge part of her identity last year, I’m struggling with it now. I’m not even a good mom to my “kids”, I fail them regularly. It’s underscored with this impending move and all it means. I have to try to hold a job again when I move back up north. I have to be productive and live up to all those expectations, but I also have to do it within the bounds of disability. I can’t afford to screw up. I can’t afford to lose this determination and then screw up life again. Finances scare the crap out of me. Screwing up scares the crap out of me. I know I have a lot to prove during this time that L and I are apart. She has her fears about the pressures, and I have mine. I know I have been doing really well (comparatively) these last few months, but that nagging fear of screwing up is always in the back of my mind (and L’s, and everyone’s…). When you lose trust from those closest to you, it’s very difficult to build it back. When you lose trust in yourself, it’s just as hard. I know I tell L that everything will be fine (and for the most part I believe it), but there’s that little voice in my head that says I will never be a real human being. I will never get through struggles in life without major meltdowns. I will never be “safe” from myself… I know these are only doubts, but I need to give voice to them. I can’t carry them all alone right now. I saw De today, but I was too busy trying to avoid tears and fear to acknowledge any of this. Now that things have slowed (I’m just sitting watching TV with L), my head is filling with all the things I’ve been frantically pushing away (and then some).
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I’m good at. I have no way to make money or to help alleviate the pressure on L. I have no useful skills. De was trying to get me to come up with some way to structure my days, but even that instills trepidation. I don’t want to commit to volunteering because I don’t think I can keep up with the gas commitment even if I can manage to keep my emotions in check to allow me to go in every day. Everything is far here, everything requires driving, which requires money, which I don’t have. Hobbies require money. Hanging with friends requires money (and friends)… All of this I don’t have. So whatever. I have to suck it up and just deal with crap. I have to ignore it, or breathe through it, or something. Back to running through the fog trying to avoid all the road blocks.
De did most of the talking today, only it didn’t bother me. I had no words. I still have no words, just really overwhelmed… she validated some of the little I did manage to speak, and was really gentle about denying some of the things my head fills in behind what she says (that I’m a pain in the ass, drama queen, pathetic, hopeless, frustrating, useless, she never wants to see me again…).
We shredded the pictures of Duckboy I had taken in last week. It was anticlimactic…
I think I just want to crawl into bed and stay there.
Called to get info on services for a friend, and they filed a report. Hoping she can get the help she needs tho. Feeling shitty.