Tag Archives: coffee

Depression colors everything

I woke this morning wanting to cry my eyes out. Depression sucks. It’s a gorgeous day. There was a quick shower, and a pretty rainbow, and I want to cry harder.
L reminded me there are only 12 days till my visit, and I was overwhelmed with a heaviness. How is it that such a happy experience should make me so sad? because I know the sadness at leaving will be heavy and wet and incredibly intense. I know, I shouldn’t focus on the ending before it even begins. That’s the fun part of depression though; it doesn’t give a shit…
An acquaintance made the move to initiate friendship, and that made me want to cry also. People shouldn’t be nice to me. They shouldn’t put forth the effort, they’ll just be infected by this black sludge that invisibly oozes from every pore. I admit, I do my best to hide it if you see me out and about, but it’s there. It’s sticky and heavy and traps everything in its path…
I wanted to cry when I read an account of someone’s snakes living well into their 50’s. I wanted to cry because I was both happy that mine may be with me for a much longer time, and sad that the hurt would be huge when they do finally pass… I know, you are thinking “but they’re snakes!? They’re icky and slithery and snakes!?” But they have their personalities and they are not icky at all… and I will miss them when they move out of my life, like I miss every pet I have ever shared my life with…
So yeah, depression is loud and very present this morning despite my best efforts to smile and decide to be happy. It’s coloring everything with those dark storm clouds… I can see the rainbow, but it’s very faint and fading fast, leaving only the gray clouds.

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Little Things

I want to cry, and I’m not sure why (surprise?!).  We have couple’s therapy in less than 30 minutes, and I have no idea what to talk about.  I brought my box just in case we need something to talk about.  Neither L or I really have much to say at this point.  We had an ok couple of weeks in terms of our relationship.  We are both facing our depression demons, and the holidays.  Both of us have our reasons for being sad. But we don’t really have issues with us.  We have been communicating relatively well.  We are checking in as we see appropriate.  We are doing ok.

So I’m sitting here trying to relax and center so I don’t bawl my eyes out for no reason with J.  I am at the usual coffee shop, and have found my new absolute favorite coffee ever!  Java Boys is serving a dark chocolate coconut brew that is out of this world!  I may have to buy their whole stock of the grinds… OMG!  This stuff makes me melt.  Even half-way through the cup I can still taste both the chocolate and coconut – that doesn’t happen often with coffees.  I need to ask them where they got it…