Tag Archives: tired

Clean up, aisle 4…

Group was really triggering again this week, though I think it was that way for everyone (there was a text exchange afterwards, which usually doesn’t happen. We only use the group texting to determine attendance).
Anyway, I feel like a turd because I took my triggered anxiety and unease out on my wife this afternoon. It wasn’t a horrible fight, but we were both cranky, so we both snapped at each other. We’ve talked and cleared the air since but… I feel bad.
On top of that, I’m still on edge from group. If I stop bombarding myself with stimuli, the flashbacks pick right up again.
I dunno. There’s so much going on internally, and stressors from outside keep piling on too. It’s all starting to feel overwhelming.
The teenager is wicked pissed with my therapist for challenging so much lately, and for seeming to change her contact policy without warning. The kids are scared about getting in trouble, & about having her mad at us… the adult sides are the only ones that seem to be dealing ok with her lack of responses, but they’ve also retreated into the basement so they don’t have to deal with the attitudes…
I’m having a lot of trouble finding internal balance…


run down.

I just want to cry… everything hurts again because I overdid physical activity today (oooohhhh… folding 2 loads of laundry and carrying one upstairs… SO strenuous… ::rolleyes::)

This sucks.

And I know that the neurologist won’t find anything either, coz none of the doctors have yet, so why would he be any different??

I should just save the cash, and keep hiding on the couch. Why waste money we don’t have just to be told there’s nothing wrong with me?

Dr C leaves for her vacation this weekend. The therapist she suggested to see in her absence called, but… what’s the point? Again, more money we don’t have spent trying to figure out how to talk to someone I don’t know, and will likely not see again… :/

I managed about an hour nap today, so insomnia rules dictate that I’m not going to be able to sleep much again tonight.

Have mentioned I’m tired? Emotionally, physically… I’m spent.

I should try my original pot tonight. I haven’t smoked it much since getting my card, mostly because smoking hurts my lungs for the next few days. But maybe I haven’t gotten so tolerant of it. The other formulations we have used to kick my butt to the curb. I’m lucky if they let me nap for a few minutes after taking them. Maybe the flower will let me sleep…


😴

Found this on Google. It sums up life at the moment. 


Every Little Thing – Carly Pearce

My current song obsession is “Every Little Thing” by Carly Pearce.

It’s written about a guy she wants to move on from, but the majority of lyrics can work for traumatic memories & flashbacks…

:shrugz:

I dunno.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, mostly because I haven’t really known what to write… lots has happened since I last wrote, and most is just stressful and overwhelming. I’m still not really sure what to write about any of it.

Currently in a depressive funk. Finally gave in and got med samples for a class of antidepressant I haven’t tried before (the most recent ones that they hadn’t released at the time I was last on medications 6 years ago). I got them last week. I haven’t taken them yet, still building the courage. The nurse and I are in agreement that if the impulsiveness shows up, I’m stopping the med instead of piling anything onto it… needless to say, I have very little faith in it 1) having any positive impact, and 2) not sending me into a terrible spiral… I might try them tonight, since I’ll have a few days without having to be at work or engaging in mandatory activities. The art show I’m a part of is closing Saturday, but I can probably make that 2 hour commitment unless side-effects are outrageously bad in 3 days (it’s been known to happen with me and meds, but supposedly this class of meds works better with my system. We’ll see).

This is also that time of year that is traditionally difficult. There are a handful of anniversaries that give me trouble at the beginning of summer. Hopefully it will all be over after the first week of July, and I can get back to dealing with the present stressors…

I dunno. I thought I’d be better by now. I thought I’d have my life together and I’d be back working in a field that I not only enjoy, but one in which I can make a decent wage… instead, I’m struggling to get to a part-time job 2 days a week that pays minimum wage, but should at least be fun. I’m not even sure I know what fun means anymore. L showed me a video this morning that she found hilarious. I think, if I weren’t so down, I’d probably have found it hilarious too… :/

I’m just so tired and spent. I’m sure L is even more spent… I’m ready for 2017 to be over, and for things to greatly improve.


D.E.S. results chat

Talked to Dr C about the results from the assessment, and I took it again with her. I scored a 44 this time… we looked up the scoring; doesn’t look like you can score much higher than a 50… I’m not DID though, so…? I dunno. 

I had questioned how reliable my self-report could be if my score changed so much in just a day. I questioned if maybe I was exaggerating things on the questionnaire. She said that it sounded more like I was trying to downplay my experiences (I was talking to her about a few of the questions).  I have trouble quantifying my experiences, so I’m not sure I answer the same way each time. She said that the test was statistically quite accurate and reliable. She also mentioned that one of the underpinnings of dissociation is not being able to remember the act of dissociating. So, I guess that’s another check in the “you’re really fucked up chicky-do” column… :/

She asked if I was worried about a DID diagnosis. I reflexively answered “no” because I don’t see it as that bad & because I’ve seen DDNOS on my records, so others don’t think it’s that bad. I think I’ve talked to her another time about it also, and I think I remember ruling out DID, so there’s that… but on the way home, I kinda panicked about whether her thoughts on it were evolving to lean more towards that diagnosis. I just text her asking if she was seeing DID. I’m not sure she will answer that through text or not, but as long as we address it at some point, I think I’ll feel better about it. 

I know my dissociation can be severe at times because I’ve completely lost days, weeks, and even months in the last decade. I guess I just don’t think it’s that severe all the time. I don’t see too much evidence pointing to DID other than L’s frustration around never knowing what to expect from me in terms of likes and dislikes…

We chatted more about dissociation and the functions of it. We talked about other coping skills for handling the body sensations and the flashbacks. I think she kinda came to the conclusion that even my healthier coping skills utilize dissociation to a degree. We talked about the writing and the art, and how I often don’t really remember what was created. We did differentiate the “flow” of creating vs more dissociative aspects of it. I think with both the art and the writing, part of the creative process is having no real direction and letting the piece take over its own evolution. It’s when I can’t recall writing something (like a blog entry) or creating something, that the dissociation plays a bigger role in that coping strategy… there are definitely some things I have to look at over and over again because they seem familiar, but I don’t connect to having made them.

Dr C commented that dissociation, especially such intense dissociation, takes a lot of energy. I countered that it’s actually the least draining of my coping skills, but now that I think about it, I wonder if that contributes to the constant exhaustion. I know some of it is the depression, but maybe she’s right; maybe the dissociation is exhausting as well. 


More anxiety

My chest is still tight. 

Woke up today… triggered? It’s not exactly the right word for it, because triggered implies more intensity. I was “on”, activated. I started journaling about the story playing out in my head. When I went back to it later to proof read it, it felt hollow and substance-less. I thought I had put more detail, but I guess most of it only played out in my head only. 

The story I woke into left me feeling triggered and on edge. I really wanted to cut. I was aware of the intensity of the desire for the release and balance that comes from it. I was also aware that I needed to try to avoid it… I decided to take a shower.  My usual showers last about 30 minutes on a good day, without that loop that has me feeling unable to get clean… Anyway, today’s shower took almost an hour and a half. I can’t recall any reason it would have. For some reason, I lost an hour in there. And when I was done, I no longer needed to cut. I know I didn’t (I wasn’t bleeding at all), but the desire was abated and my body was a bit sore… 

The loss in time caused me to run late for therapy…

I talked to Dr C about it a bit. She then mentioned something related to family that I had apparently told her previously. I don’t recall telling her anything like that, and I’m not sure I would have necessarily described things in that way, but I believe her when she says it’s something I’ve said to her… that got us onto the topic of dissociation and memory gaps. I expressed my frustration at being faced with more recent episodes of amnesia. I understand the function of it for traumatic events, but this random trigger that somehow connects to the trauma thus leading to dissociation frustrates me. I thought I had gotten to a point where I didn’t completely lose time anymore, but apparently I’m not. I still forget spans of time. Today it happened twice totaling over two hours. The second time happened while shopping after therapy. I thought I had been shopping for maybe an hour, but I had been there for 2.5 hours. Nothing notable happened, but it’s occurrence confuses me. Maybe it was left-over triggering from either the “memories” this morning, or my session with Dr C…

With this sudden increase in noticed loss of time, Dr C suggested I leave pen and paper around in hopes I may journal while checked out. She suggested journaling on my phone may be too complicated in a dissociated state. I dunno. It’s comfortable enough a medium for me… I’ve checked out while trying to journal in my art journal before and ended up just sitting frozen in that position while I was “out”. I’m not sure leaving a pen and paper around would do much. I think i’m more likely to journal on my phone. I know I’ve done that in the past while I was dissociated. Sadly, the app I had used at the time glitched and I lost most of that journaling. I do recall at one point before the app failed that I read several entries I had no memory of writing. Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve found a few entries I don’t recall at all, along with several I’m aware I wrote but cannot feel a connection to. I also know I’ve written quite a bit while dissociated in my private journal blog… none of it looks like anything vastly different than what I remember writing except for the entries that detail the flashbacks and memories; those I constantly have to reread in order to know what they contain. I have the general gist that they describe details, but I wouldn’t be able to recite most of it without reading it. It feels like someone else’s story…

Anyway, I think I lost my point for this post. I feel a bit better though. The anxiety isn’t as crushing after writing for a bit. I don’t necessarily feel grounded, but my chest isn’t tight and twitchy. I still want to cut, but I think I can get myself to bed without giving in. I just hope I can actually sleep tonight. I have work tomorrow. It’ll likely be a 10-hour day again. They are so exhausting, even though they “only” involve camp…

Oh, another stressor; my disability is being reviewed. I think I filled out the form correctly, but I was partially dissociated while doing it. I’m a bit worried I might lose my benefits. I felt weird getting it in the first place, though the providers I worked with seemed to think it was appropriate. I know I don’t have the energy to look for (and accomplish) full-time work. I currently don’t have the emotional head space to succeed at it even if I tried. I feel fake though. I should be able to suck it up and plow through all this. I should be able to be productive in society. I shouldn’t be so lazy and unmotivated… I feel like i’m wasting resources, but Dr C says it’s not a waste. She says having needs and taking time isn’t wasteful… I dunno. I think being so needy is wasteful and a pain in the ass, but she disagrees…

There’s that anxiety again. Guess I should sign off before I send myself into a tizzy over something which I have no control…

Sorry this post is so long-winded. I hope it makes sense and that autocorrect didn’t butcher it too badly because I have no energy to proof read just now…


Gaaaaah!

I’m so tired:

  • Of feeling like crap all the time
  • Of never getting enough sleep
  • Of getting over one hurdle to be tripped up by the next
  • Of constantly feeling like my body is not my own because of body memories
  • Of never getting anywhere in life
  • Of this unending cycle

I’m just so tired…

Why does my wife even put up with me? 


Insomnia’s kinda a bitch…

I’m so physically tired, but I can’t seem to get a decent night’s sleep (emotionally tired also, but…).

Over the weekend, I managed to gather a group of people together for art journaling. It was fun, but the clean-up before and after was exhausting, as was trying to smile and put on a happy face when I’ve wanted to cry all weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I loved doing it, I’m just tired.

Got therapy in a little bit. I’m trying to prioritize what to cover today. There’s still stuff floating around from previous weeks, but there’s also the impending anniversary, and her trip, and current stressors… I’ve got 2 hours in the next two weeks to address everything I need to before she’s gone for a month. :sigh: I dunno.

I’m really liking when my life focuses on art. It’s genuine, but that also makes it very vulnerable. As much as I want to be able to show off the works that mean a lot to me, I’m hesitant. Even the slightest rejection or displeasure around those feels like it’s a rejection of me (even if the person has no idea what the piece means). So I try to keep those hidden… :/

I guess I should head out of I want to grab something to eat on the way to session…


No sufficient distractions

Nothing occupies me sufficiently. Nothing keeps my attention. My head alternates between screaming and silence (and sometimes the silence screams).

We are watching G.o.T. to catch up. I can pay more attention to it than other things, but even that doesn’t mean much.

My usual social media distractions are frustrating me…

Went to L’s parents’ house earlier to celebrate a birthday. Part of me was excited to see the kids and have a cookout, but a bigger part of me didn’t know how to function. Even L’s mom commented on me looking sad. I brushed it off as being tired… how do you explain that your whole world is in flux? How do you admit that everything hurts so much you wish it would finally kill you? So I said nothing. I did my best to stay in the background. I sat in corners and helped man the grill…

Since getting home, I’ve wanted nothing to do with anything… I’m just so tired (so it wasn’t a total lie I told earlier).

When will that chest-crushing feeling be over?


About therapy last night (**trigger warning, talk of: abuse, self harm, past suicide attempts)

There was a moment of soul-crushing pain. It felt like my chest may cave inward. I could barely breathe through it… no. Just no. I spent the last hour (?) telling her things… they are impossible fictions. I’m not sure why I need to lie about this stuff, but I just do.
They’re not consistent stories. They’re not complete. Some I’m aware of as scripts (I didn’t actually remember them at the time, I’ve just read what I’ve written in the past enough times to be able to recite them. There’s no emotion. I just know what I should be saying)…

I can’t sleep again tonight.
I think we got home around 10:30. We didn’t come to bed till about 11:30. It’s 2 and I’ve already been awake for 20 minutes. I wish I could sleep. But I’m confused about the session last night. And the body memories are loud right now… right now, I can feel the scripts I was reading earlier. There’s a physical aspect to them. The emotional is just tired and spent (and maybe a bit scared).

I just want to sleep.

Please just let me sleep…

There was another point in session where she suggested an activity that involved tracing my body outline onto a large piece of paper. I nearly sunk into the chair and ran out of the room at the same time. In that moment, the thought of laying down on my back to be traced was utterly terrifying. Body memories flared up throughout every part of me. I could feel being held down. I could feel being touched. I could feel the panic… I wanted to curl into the tightest little ball ever. I wanted to hide. I wanted her to just stop describing the activity because no matter what words were flowing from her lips, I was sure it meant even she would hurt me.

I want to rip the skin off my entire body. I want to stab my legs. I want to open my arms up and let all the blood flow out. Part of what I felt and remembered last night must have been one of the hospitalizations. I felt tubes hooked to my arms, and a fuzzy, sleepy feeling. I didn’t want to wake up again. I really, really, really just wanted to fall asleep and not ever wake up… must have been from that time I OD’d for the first time… it would make sense for the emotions that came up on the way home once I was finally grounding… the emotions and the situation fit nicely into the OD attempt from 2007 (last night, L was out, I was supposed to meet her there after therapy. Therapy had been really unsettling and triggering. I thought about not going to meet L. The urge to self destruct in more ways than one screamed in my head. I thought it would actually work before she would be able to get home… I really just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up again). So instead I called her once I was home (I thought about calling her on the way home, but I was using really loud music to help ground. I needed to keep it loud till I got home). I got directions and managed to ask her to give me clear instructions on what I needed to do and where I needed to go. I got lost trying to get to her anyway – a place not 7 minutes from our house, but I messed up twice and ended up towards the other end of the road (near the hospital). I was still checked out at the time I arrived. I was supposed to help out, but it was getting late, and I was in no space to do anything that might require competence. I sat outside on the porch instead. I stayed there until I could finally feel the chill. I would have stayed there until it was time to go if L hadn’t come to chat and tell me to come inside even if I wasn’t going to volunteer…

I’m so exhausted, but I just can’t sleep. I feel like I need to keep talking about the things we opened up in session. Except when I go to talk or write about it, I freeze. I’m scared. It’s hugely triggering. It’s also something I shouldn’t indulge if it’s a story I’ve made up… yet there’s this really strong internal push to keep talking. I dunno…

I’m scared. I’m scared of continuing to address this, but also scared not to address it. I’m scared either will land me inpatient again. Both feel potentially hugely triggering, but one will trigger self-destruct out of fear of what’s being communicated, and the other will trigger self-destruct out of anger at ignoring things again…

Suddenly, I’m remembering Catherine. She was a case manager(?) At one of the hospitals I was at back in 2009. I only remember working with her one time, but apparently I was assigned to her more than one stay. I want to say maybe she was told more than I remember. I know she felt safe that second time (even though I thought I was meeting her for the first time)… she argued with the psychiatrist about the ect he was trying to force me into that time, and fought to get me into a trauma program out of state.

I wish the body sensations would stop. They don’t let me sleep (well, them and the chaos in my head). They are closing in on intolerable level… it’s nearly 3 am now. I can’t believe I’ve been babbling on for so long… it’s helping though. It’s helping stop the circles of thought. At least getting them down gives me a safe place to store them so maybe I can sleep at some point… Maybe I need to try to see the aprn at Dr C’s office and get something for the sleep… it’s been too many nights of poor sleep, and too many days of not being able to eat much of anything. Maybe I should try herbal tonight? Might be an improvement over the lack of sleep… I dunno. I really just want to be able to sleep.


Verge of tears (what’s with March?)

They’re right there. I can feel them threatening to erupt at any moment. But they never get past the gatekeepers of my eyes…

Talked way too much in group today. I took up too much time. They didn’t seem to outwardly mind though…and it helped the overwhelm a bit.

I wish I could cry; either salty or red, but something would be an improvement over all this stuffing… I’m so tired…

Is this a pattern? Do I always start a descent around February/March? When I was going to school, the breakdown started around this time of year. When I was down south, it was about this time of year that things would get really difficult… what’s the significance though? There are no anniversaries or major life events that I can point to. July is an easy one: K’s death, my first suicide attempt… even October/November is understandable with the start of the full holiday push. But March I don’t get. There’s nothing going on this month. Nothing happened in March. Why do I seem to struggle more during this month? I’ll have to bring it up to Dr C and ask if she has any theories.

In the mean time, gotta keep fighting through the days. Hope it doesn’t put too much strain on L & I (we’re both struggling in our own right, and it’s starting to show wear on the relationship. Nothing huge and life-changing, but enough to have us both testy and snippy with each other… resentments abound on both sides, though I’m not sure how fair either is).

I wish I could cut. Baring that, I wish I could cry. I’m so glad I have tomorrow off and to myself. Maybe I’ll be able to recharge a bit. I wasn’t feeling totally social today, but I went to my friend’s anyway hoping to just be able to sit and “be” outside of the apartment… she didn’t tell me she had company over though, so that failed… L and I are still touchy and talking it out over text (we seem to do better that way), but she’s also not feeling well. Took nyquil tonight and was out like a light before I got back…

I’m just so tired…


Exhausted

A lot of factors are playing into my mood, mostly the effects of insomnia and a packed schedule…

I’m starting to notice that any time I don’t wholeheartedly agree with Dr C, I feel like I need to apologize profusely and agree to think about what she’s saying in an effort to agree with her. I’m starting to become aware that this is a pattern in the entirety of my life. I worry that the person will be mad at me and I will get in trouble (especially if the person is perceived to have any power over me). With Dr C, I’m hearing echos of not only my dad, but also all the previous providers that have admonished me for not simply acquiescing to whatever suggestions they make. It’s not that Dr C has ever acted like that, but all the past experiences push in on me and I panic that I will get in trouble…

I’m also still really struggling with the effects of last Monday’s therapy session. This Monday, she went over some of it with me. I still couldn’t really connect to the experience. I feel like I wasn’t that present at all this past session. I can’t really remember much of it other than the medication conversation we had (where I disagreed  with her suggestion to try them again). I feel like I should go against my gut and try them again. Maybe this time there would be something that would work? Or maybe this time the impulses would finally become too overwhelming and I’d succeed in the self destruction. I’m not suicidal, but part of me is really tired of the constant struggle. If something happens, then something happens…

Depression is a bitch. It permeates every aspect of my life all the time. A lot of times it’s more quiet about it, but a lot of times it’s also overwhelming. Ideally, I would like to leave it behind and be able to enjoy my life without that constant shadow. The trauma work Dr C and I are doing is helping (so much of the depression is driven by the past). I’m just not sure it’s possible to leave it behind forever. I know people say the depression doesn’t stay horrible forever. I get that it moves in waves, but I wonder how many people can comprehend how utterly unbearable it is when it hits. It’s not simply a lull in life, it’s a loss of all hope and all ability to see any glimmer of true joy. I can smile. I can see happiness in tiny moments. It just hurts so much when it hits. It’s like living with horrific burns all over and knowing you have to live in excruciating pain indefinitely… it sucks, and that’s an immense understatement…

On the plus side, I don’t have much time to myself this week. Dr C suggested I not spend time alone. By coincidence, I work 4 days at the kennel, and we have plans all weekend. I’m also helping my niece with some work over the weekend. The most I’ll be alone all week is Friday when I get a day off from everything… I’m exhausted, but having expectations prevents the self-destruct urges from getting too overwhelming.

Dr C had suggested the triggering and overwhelm are because we are moving too fast in therapy. I’m not really sure how to slow down. The memories and flashbacks come whether or not we cover them in therapy. At least it’s safer to be triggered there than it is randomly at home or at work. At least in session we can talk about what’s coming up. Between sessions, it’s so much more overwhelming…


Feeling emotional and overwhelmed

The changing schedule combined with an inability to get to the basic chores I used to be able to do has me totally off kilter… I’m really missing Dr C. it’s going to be a long 2 weeks.

At least today I’m getting laundry done. It really helps that L did some “emergency” loads over the weekend. It left me with only 5 loads to get done today. I brought the dogs with me so they are not stuck alone in the house all day. While things are drying, we went for a walk around the block… now I’m waiting to go have to fold everything, then run the dogs home and head off to work. I need to remember to grab food when I drop them and the laundry off… it’s going to be a long day.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last week and a half. It’s not helping my ability to handle stress. I really want to be able to sleep more than 4 hours. It’ll happen again some day, I just dunno when. :/

Ok, driers are done. One chore down…


It’s weird…

For the second week in a row, I’ve only had an individual session this week. It’s kinda weird. For the last 6 months, I’ve had at least group on top of the individual session every week. Many of the weeks lately have also included a second individual session… it’s weird not having all that additional contact. I really miss going to group, and I miss the opportunity to touch base with Dr C again during the week. It’s weird having to carry what’s in my head for a full 7 days. I’m not in dier need of the extra contact, but to apply a concept TL had pointed out: why wouldn’t I miss someone/something I see/have weekly for the past several months?

I’ve been working, so I’ve been distracted, but I still look at my phone at about the time I should be leaving for group… I missed it so much today that I ended up texting Dr C during group to say I missed it :/ 

I don’t think it helps that i’m feeling really exhausted with this new schedule. All the things I normally do to balance myself or relax have been pushed to the wayside. I haven’t done any art. I haven’t gone to group. I can’t focus on television much… I haven’t even paid much attention to the critters lately. I feel like all I’m doing is “going” until it’s time to go to bed. Even at that point, I feel pressure to get to sleep so I can get enough of it before I have to wake up and start again… I don’t know how L does it with her intense schedule. I can’t even remember how I had done it in the past…

I love this temp job. It’s super-fun and interesting. I’m just not adjusted to the schedule change yet. Sadly, it’ll probably be over before I can get used to it. Maybe I can talk to the boss and have her keep me in mind if they need help again down the line?

I dunno. I should probably get to bed now. I don’t have a good closing paragraph, sorry…


Figured out I’m not actually sleeping well

For the past week or two, i’ve been extremely tired. I thought I’d been sleeping all night for the most part. I realized tonight how wrong I am. I’m constantly waking up. Either the little dog barks, or my back hurts from 4 months of nights on the couch, or louder-than-usual traffic passes us by… tonight I counted waking at least 5 times during the 7 hours I tried to sleep. I think the worst one is the dogs all barking when the neighbor’s dog barrels down the stairs to go outside between 4-5a.m. I can’t seem to fall back asleep after that one…

We are supposed to get a mattress this month. I can hardly wait. It will take some getting used to in order to be able to sleep comfortably in the bedroom, but I’m so excited to try.

Maybe tonight I can utilize some benadryl to help me get more rest.


I need a nap

Therapy today was emotionally intense. I dissociated almost immediately when talking about the past…

I’m finding I need to assert that it’s all fake before I can stomach talking about it.

Dr C mentioned the dissociation a few times, but it was safer that way. She suggested I hang out after session and work on grounding. I agreed to sit in the car and listen to music for a while. I know I wasn’t totally back at the point I left, but I was getting antsy sitting there.

Once I got home, I could barely keep my eyes open. I pictured curling up with L in bed and feeling safe. I turned on Netflix and promptly fell asleep.
When I awoke, everything inside was calm and relaxed. I was grounded and present. It’s incredible how exhausting therapy and dissociation can be…

I don’t recall all the specifics of what we talked about in session, but I know we touched on the domestic violence, my previous eating disorders, and a bit about the abuse…

I so want to be through all this. I’m tired of struggling with the memories and after-effects.


believing myself

I find myself struggling with the believability of my memories once again.

In the moment of re-experiencing them, I know they are true. They feel very real on every level when I’m actually remembering them. It’s the times between the flashbacks and body memories that have me doubting. They don’t make sense when looked at in terms of other memories. They actually feel contradictory at times.

We covered the doubts a bit in session. Dr. C isn’t so worried about the validity of them. She keeps reminding me there’s no one she would tell, so even if they are all a story in my head, then we can address that too without hurting anyone’s reputation. She asks about the concept of “doing it all for attention”, and as soon as that concept hits my awareness, there’s a panic: No! DON’T pay attention to me. Let me hide and melt away. PLEASE don’t see me or hear me or even know I exist… It’s a little-kid fear. It’s in a little kid’s voice in my head.

I’m not sure why I’m so worried about the validity of the memories all over again. I had gotten to a place with TM where we were just addressing the concept of the memories & how they impact me. I was “talking” about them & getting them out. All of a sudden, I feel like I’ve taken several steps backwards with Dr. C. I feel the need to figure out if they are real. I need to justify voicing them once again. I’m not totally sure why. Part of it may be that I have to re-tell her the stuff I had already told TM (even if it’s just the existence of the memories, not necessarily the details of them). It may also be that Dr. C is an older woman. There was that parental transference with TM and there’s definitely some going on with Dr. C also, but maybe I’m feeling that as well as what I might have with a grandparent this time… The disapproving voices in my head that are louder are from the older women in my family this time around.

Working on containment since the session. I keep visualizing the pensieve holding everything, and hiding in a pillow fort in Dr. C’s office for most of the day. Keeping the desire to bug the heck out of Dr. C and/or TM in check. I know I’m looking for a sense of safety and comfort, so I’m trying to find that around here. Music is playing, doggies are cuddling. I even had one of the snakes out for a while (really wish I could train him to do deep pressure on command).

Anyway, how’s everyone else doing?


Weird dreams

I woke again this morning from a weird dream. It wasn’t bad, just weird. It’s leaving me feeling “off”…

In the dream, I was at the doctors getting checked out for something. There was my doctor, another student, and their supervisor. They were taking candidly about what their thoughts were. Both the students said they didn’t see anything wrong, but the supervisor commented for them to check again, because “if [he] gave [them their] reviews right there, [I] would be crying…

totally not sure what the dream means, though it’s likely nothing. I know I’m waiting on my doctor to say something about a consult she sought for my recent back/side pain, but everyone seems on the same page about it so far: it’s merely muscle pain which will eventually go away (assuming I’m able to either consciously relax the muscle, or have enough days where I can take a muscle relaxer).

Anyway, the dream has me feeling weird. It did give me an idea for grounding though: engage my academic side if I start to check out… easy enough to ask my doctor next time.

The apartment is still a wreck. I started working again, and is draining all my energy. I want to just come home and be able to relax. Instead, I come home feeling guilty for not engaging more with the dogs, and for not cleaning or organizing the place. There was supposed to be time to do it today, but we agreed earlier in the week to go to the lake with family. That means the whole day is again useless… I might just send L and stay home myself to organize and do laundry. I want to see the family, but I’m also very burnt out on the apartment remaining a mess. We have been here 2 weeks and is still mostly boxes everywhere. I want it settled. I want space to be able to come home and feel relaxed (well, at least about my environment)…

Speaking of wanting to relax, I’m quite anxious about setting Dr C again. She is back from vacation. I get to ask her if my feeling about our interaction 2 weeks ago are correct, and I can ask her more about what she meant when she called my inner kid a personality… and maybe I’ll be brave enough to give her some of the stuff I wrote out for TM. I know I don’t have to tackle that right now, but the internal push is still really huge.

Anyway, hoping today shapes up as more productive than I anticipate. Either that, or maybe we can take the dogs with and I don’t have to feel so guilty leaving them alone again all day. I’ll ask L once she wakes up.


5 am, we meet again.

It’s 5 am. I’ve been awake since 3:30 after having fallen asleep around midnight… this has been a trend for about 3 weeks now, interrupted only by me remembering to take benadryl a few nights here and there (when I don’t have to function at all the following day). This insomnia is certainly not helping my depression or functioning.

If we weren’t in the process of referring out and termination, I probably would have reached out to TM about the increasing lack of sleep. Now? I dunno. I can’t get over feeling like there’s a boundary there I need to keep to. We are ending. Reaching out for anything other than scheduling feels like a big “no-no”…

I keep coming back to frustrations around a lack of support. I’m guessing the IOP will not work out due to finances. I don’t want to ask TM to extend our sessions until I leave merely for support. She’s got limited availability as is, I don’t want to keep wasting her time… that leaves me with trying to muddle through on my own.

I’ve thought about reaching out to friends and family for support, but I feel like a huge bother. There were a few times I wanted to talk about stuff with L, but she’s got so much on her end, it’s not fair to bug her with it (and I’m not totally sure how to talk about it). I had tried to process Wednesday’s appointment with TM, but she quickly switched back to talking about whatever was going on for her that day. I didn’t attempt to revisit. I know, my fault. I should be more assertive in wanting to talk, but I feel so defeated and overwhelmed, I’m not going to beg anyone to sit through my struggle to articulate things; not TM, not L, not anyone. It’s just all pointless.

Part of me wants to call insurance today to see what can be done in terms of accessing additional support, but I really don’t like asking for favors. I don’t want the hospital program to do anything out of the norm for me. I don’t want to bother TM with anything. I don’t want to ask for more. I’ve taken plenty already, I should be good with all this… only I’m not. I’m coping on the outside and crumbling on the inside. My internal resources are running dry again. Bed is looking more and more inviting 24/7/365… there’s other things that are yet more inviting, but they are not an option despite being on my mind all the time…

I just have to get through this move, then I can worry about what to do up there again. I gotta get through this move…


Fake it till you (don’t) make it

I’ve been a good little girl. I’ve been trying to keep myself distracted and balanced and breathing and everything else positive that should be helping. I’ve even done some cleaning and organizing in prep for the move… only I still feel like I’m breaking apart.

The second the distractions slow down, I’m overwhelmingly tearful and hopeless. I’m so tired of this…


As soon as the distractions slow, my head spins out of control.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired.

I don’t like the prospect of having to give up any of my kids, let alone one of the dogs. But we can’t find any place that will take all three. Not that I think they would let us in any way. My credit sucks. I can’t figure out how to reliably pull myself out of that hole… I start to get somewhere, then the depression pulls me down into the black hole and it’s all shot to hell. Kinda like the rest of my life. I start to get it going again, then depression shows up and I’m back down hard and fast.

Fuck it. It will never change…


kicking self

I ended up cancelling tomorrow’s appointment with TM, and I am kicking myself.

While it decreased the anxiety around taking more than I should, I recognize it’s pushing her away. It’s not really what I want to do, but I’m also not sure I can sit with knowing I would be taking up three time slots this week. I know they are often hard-pressed to offer services to everyone that reaches out to them. I don’t want to take so much more than my share. If I take 2 additional time slots with TM, that’s 2 people still on the waiting list…

She gave me permission to hide in bed for a bit. I’m sure she didn’t mean all week, but whatever works, right?

Curling up, hiding, and ignoring the world…

I’m guessing if I asked for that time slot, I could probably get it back, but I don’t want to keep waffling. I’ll leave her a message tonight sometime after midnight, because then it’s technically Thursday (I had said I would call for a check-in on Thursday). I know she wanted to actually talk to me, but it’s easier to talk to her voice mail. She may be a bit frustrated by that, but I’m working on walls… She’ll probably be more relived that she doesn’t have to waste time on the phone with me.


thoughts on today’s session: authenticity

I told TM today that I wasn’t sure if what I remembered happening actually happened. I wish I could remember what she had said in response. I know it was something along the lines of “you wouldn’t have the reactions you do if it wasn’t real…” Something about having the physical reactions I do meaning it’s not just my over-active imagination… but I can’t quite remember what she said.

Only I really don’t want to believe them. I’d much rather they not be true. It would be easier if I was just a really messed-up person with really messed-up fantasies. 😦

I should have remembered it before now, but then again, I don’t remember much of anything…

I managed to tell her how depressed I’ve been. We talked a bit about authenticity and congruencey in life. We came up with a social media analogy: the stuff everyone gets to see is the “Facebook” version of me – the smiles, the functioning, the “I’m fine.” The stuff that is closer to reality is the everything not in the pictures. This is true for everyone, including TM…

 

She was originally just going to check in over the phone, but I told her it was useless: I suck on the phone. So then she offered an additional session… I didn’t like that idea much better either. I know she is busy re-locating her office at the end of this week. She had also suggested that the next session be a “happy” one… I wanted to ask her if she comprehended how invalidating that was after our conversation on being authentic at least in therapy, but I didn’t say anything. I think I’m just going to cancel the additional session and ask if she’s still ok with a check-in call. It’ll just be me saying everything’s fine, but I won’t feel so guilty taking up as much of her time.

I dunno…

I think I just want to hide. If I could spend the next week totally unconscious, that would be fine. I think she was trying to give me permission to hide away for a while, but I didn’t know how to tell her I’ve already been hiding away unless I have to be out of the house for something. It’s not helping me recharge my strength, it just feels safer that way.

________________________________

I called her later and left a message canceling the in-person appointment… I really don’t want to be that bothersome.


fake it till you make it

…or not.

It’s all fake, but I can’t drop the mask. Not to anyone. I’m afraid it’s gone too far and I need to keep the mask on because that’s all that’s left holding me together.

I’m so tired. I’m out of energy to keep faking it for too much longer. :/


can’t get a grip on these emotions

I know, you’re probably sick of reading from me… Skip if you want (nothing of worth anyway, just me documenting mostly for myself).

I can’t get a handle on my emotions this week. I’m flying from being ok when I saw TM yesterday, to crashing last night and not being able to pull out of it today. Everything seems hopeless and useless and pointless…

I want to call TM and say next week will be it. I’m not seeing a point to it right now, since I hope to be moving in just over a month. What can we possibly accomplish in that time? Why did I bother to trust her or work with her in the first place. I knew it would end fast. I guess I was hoping it would be easier if I tried to just push through things. It’s not. And now it just sucks. I’m not totally sure what triggered this crash, but I’m back to another transference reaction, similar to the one around De’s leaving (only this time I’m doing the leaving). I don’t think it helps that I feel like TM “gets” me. She responds to my not-always-spoken fears, and we seem to click. I want to take her with me when I go, but I know it’s not possible…

I’m back to really just wanting to hide forever. F-this. I’m cooked right now. And I’m being stubborn and I’m not going to call her tomorrow. She’s right, I need to get back to a place of not needing her. So…

At the same time, I want to go hide in her office and get through all this emotional b.s. I want her to tell me it’s ok to be a mess, and that it’s gonna suck, but eventually it will get better. And I want her to tell me I was stupid for thinking I’d be able to get through any significant progress around all this in 4 months… I want her to agree that I should have known better. And I want her to hate me, and do something so I can be mad at her so it’s easier to just walk away.

I want to run away so badly right now. I want to erase everything and just disappear…

I’m so done with this constant roller-coaster. I wish there was some magic that worked. I wish meds didn’t make things worse… I wish I could just blink into nothingness.


Therapy, Saint Patrick’s day, and vertigo

TM was back today. I’m not sure anymore why I thought she hated me, though I left there wanting to cry (they would have been happy tears).

We talked about values I grew up with vs values I’ve instilled in myself. I’m supposed to contemplate that and put it on paper for next session.

I held true to pulling out my coloring book, though I had to borrow her crayons since the dogs ate mine last night (I think crayola flavors them or something because the dogs hunt them down and devour them). I had given her my list from last month, though I was really reluctant to pull it out. Everything I write between sessions always feels stupid and trivial by the time I get in to see her. I put huge judgements on them and never want to hand it over… She, like TL and De, says that nothing I’ve given her has been stupid. I dunno, but she says she’s being genuine, so I’m gonna go with it.

I know we talked the whole hour, but I’m not sure what else we covered. I was having a lot of trouble paying attention and retaining anything she said for longer than 30 seconds.  I’m not totally sure where I went, but it was bothersome. I couldn’t formulate responses, or even process a lot of what she had said…

She offered another session this week to help get back in the groove. I hesitated, because I didn’t want to come off as annoying or needy. She caught the pause and asked about it. I was able to tell her that I didn’t want to be annoying. She assured me she would not have offered it if she thought I was too annoying (actually, I think she said something along the lines of having had already passed me on to another clinician if she thought I was as bad as I thought I was). So we scheduled another session this week.

On the way home, I wanted to go to the beach, but I have yet to find a parking spot. I never realized how big of a deal they make out of St Patrick’s Day here, every city is having a beach/block party that is already underway… hopefully the next parking area I try will have a space (I stopped to grab a slice of pizza coz I was starving, so no worries, I’m not driving and writing). If I do land at the beach, I’ll share some pics 🙂


I didn’t end up at the beach. I forgot spring break season is upon us. There was too much traffic, so I turned around and came home. It’s a good thing too, because my vertigo started up again. I was having trouble processing my environment on the drive. Shortly after getting home, I got really incredibly tired and slept for almost 3 hours. Last time this happened, I told myself I was going to go to the doctor about it, so that’s where we are headed. My gut is telling me this is more than vertigo.


A 2.5-hour ER visit later (complete with a few vials of blood and a CT scan), and I’m back where I started. They did give me a referral to a neurologist though, so I will try to follow-up with them tomorrow. The confusion and extreme exhaustion is what has me thinking this isn’t just vertigo, though I may be wrong. Hoping this bout leaves quickly…

 


Relentless

Today’s flashbacks are not stopping. I’ve been able to keep them bearable, but that’s slowly turning to unbearable. My body is sore, as if everything has happened again today, not just memories of it. This doesn’t happen often. Normally I’m only hurting during the worst of the flashback intensity. Tonight, it’s the whole time…
I’m running out of energy to deal with this in “healthy” ways. The benadryl isn’t helping me fall asleep, nor is it numbing my brain and body to the experience of the flashbacks.
I have that Taylor Swift song, safe & sound, on continuous repeat and it’s helping the panic and neediness a bit, but it’s not touching the flashbacks…
I tried connecting to the crisis chats for over 2 hours tonight. They must have super-high volume because the line was always 16-35 people, and I was always timed-out before I got to the front of it. I guess I could call the hotline at TM’s agency, but it’s so difficult to speak on the phone, let alone to someone I don’t know…
But my body is vibrating and sore from all this today. I need it to stop already somehow… 😦


Apologies

I took a muscle relaxer least night after my back went into spasms (was trying to get up to go to the bathroom around 3 am and realized I couldn’t move without excruciating pain). I’m so glad I kept the pills from a few years ago. The first time, L was giving me a massage. When I tried to stand up after she was done, I realized I couldn’t move. Ended up needing to call an ambulance because I couldn’t even flip over to put my top back on. Poor L refuses to give me any more massages… anyway, I had some left over from that time, and it saved me from having to call paramedics last night. It did however kick my ass. I was pretty much comatose till about 1pm. I was ready to pass out again by 6. I have such a low tolerance for meds if I don’t take them often…

Today was a wash for anything productive thanks to the pain killer. I had intended to work more on a journal page I started last night, but I’m still pretty foggy. As it stands, it’s just a background. I have a plan for it, but that wasn’t going to happen today. Maybe tomorrow.

Yesterday, I had called De’s agency to find out if I could get services there again. I was there so long with De, they doubt it, but will leave it up to the clinical supervisor. I think even if she makes an exception, I will decline. I don’t like being an exception… I doubt she will anyway.

I’m still waiting on a call from someone at TL’s agency. I think they assign people in their Wednesday meetings, so maybe I’ll have someone by the end of the week. I really wish I had the insurance or the cash to get someone more experienced. I guess that will have to wait though. If this fails, I suppose I could check into the agency through which I saw D. Their sliding scale was a tad higher, but at least they are an option. I’m getting tired of having to keep starting fresh with someone every few months… oh well. Guess that’s life at the moment.


Exhausted

I had the hardest time rolling out of bed today. I’m normally up and moving by 8 or 9. This morning, I started at 7:30, but had to get back into bed after feeding the cats because I was about to fall over. I stayed in bed until almost 11. At that point I got up in a hurry because the dogs had not been attended to yet and I felt guilty. I took them out and gave them breakfast. That tired me out almost to the point of not having enough energy to make coffee. I sat for a bit between activities. Getting up to make the coffee was excruciating. I was out of breath just standing there waiting for it to brew so back to the couch I went. It took me a good 20 minutes after it was done to muster the energy to go get a cup (the couch is maybe 15 feet from the coffee maker). It took me about an hour to drink half of my first cup. Even lifting the cup to my mouth was hard.

Later, I decided to try to clean the house a bit (the little dog likes to mark his territory regardless of potty training). I managed to clean up the pee spots then needed to sit again.

I’m not quite sure what is wrong, but I spent the rest of the day in bed. I was tired, dizzy, and short of breath all day, even when laying down. The inhaler helped for a while, but it wore off in short order… then the nausea hit. I really hope I’m not getting sick, because I don’t want to miss the journal class on the first (I don’t have plans for new year’s eve, so I don’t much care if I’m functioning or not tomorrow night). I was lamenting to L that I had just managed to walk 6 miles at the beach last week but today I can’t walk from the couch to the bed.

I think as the day wore on, I associated the feeling with anxiety because my heart was pounding and flopping in my chest. I wish I still had some Ativan. I might have managed to do more today.

I’m still exhausted and don’t have the energy to stand for more than it takes to walk to the bed or the bathroom, but my heart has stopped racing and the nausea is gone. Let’s hope the dizziness, weakness, and exhaustion disappear overnight…

If I had better insurance, I might have gone to the doctor at least for some anxiety meds, but my monthly deductible is way too high. We are trying to save money, not spend it. It’s funny, the country mandates health insurance, yet it doesn’t do anything to help the people that fall between the state and federal aid guidelines. According to the state, I get too much money from disability to qualify for aid, but according to the federal government, the state should be helping me out. I can’t win.


can’t drag myself out of this…

The break from the heaviness is so fleeting. Today there was about an hour after I woke up where I wasn’t trying to battle tears or thoughts of suicide. It’s relentless. I try the positivity stuff, I try getting out of the house, I try reminding myself that all things change in life so this will have to change also (though with my depressed brain, it’s translated to the knowledge that the relief will always be replaced by the heaviness)… nothing is working and stresses are pilling up. The full mortgage payment comes due next month which is a $900/month bill I cannot meaningfully contribute towards. The house taxes will again come due in March, and we again are so far behind that there is no way to pay. If the bank doesn’t take the house, the county will. I still don’t have money to move back up north with my wife…

The body memories are coming more frequently than they have in a few months. The desire to self harm because of them is through the roof. L and I have frequent arguments about any time I drink (which admittedly is often, but better than cutting or OD’ing). I’m in that limbo between therapists still. It kinda sucks, though I wouldn’t know what a therapist could do at this point. The depression is too oppressive. I’m not sure what can change it. Medications are kinda tempting to try again, if for no other reason then to give me a way out at some point… I can’t really afford any more intensive therapy or any meaningful hospitalization, so it’s pointless.

I’m tired. I’m so tired of this struggle. I just want it done. I want the sadness to stop and I want to be able to move on with my life… not even art or music is bringing any relief at this point.