Monthly Archives: June 2018

I guess whatever was stirred up last week, and later in session, is picking at other things outside of my awareness. I’ve been really cranky and short lately.

I had mentioned to Dr C that I could fill days talking about the stuff that comes up when we start to tackle the past. There’s no real feasible way to do that in person though (even in intensive settings, both the clinician and the client need time away from the heaviness). She suggested writing… I’m not a huge fan of physical books, as they are easy for anyone to pick up and read. We tossed around some ideas, and eventually settled on a mutually accessible file.

I voiced some reservations around it, mostly stemming from my experiences with both D and De around written communication. She was able to both hear my concerns, and address them in a way that made trying this again something I’m willing to do.

Anyway, I’ve not written much of anything yet, but the concept is ruffeling my internal feathers. Between my fears of it going sideways again, and worries about what might come up, I’m on edge. There’s still a lot of resistance to the concept, but there’s also a hope of moving forward too.

I dunno. We’ll see where it takes us.

In the mean time, I’m working on balancing myself and being aware of my reactions…

Advertisements

weird moment

A friend I don’t see often came over yesterday. We chatted and hung out. She was over for a few hours. We ate, caught up, then she left.

As L and I were picking up afterwards, I had the weirdest experience. It suddenly felt like I was rushing back from somewhere. The thought “oh! I missed her…” echoed in my head; not missing her like I wish we did it more often (though I do), but getting there too late to have had a chance to sit with her… I knew she had been there, but I wasn’t present for it, except that I had been there… it was like part of me that really wanted to see her didn’t get home in time.

Dissociation and compartmentalization is such a weird experience.


I feel like I’m watching the start of last year happen all over again, but this time to my cousin… her dog died quite suddenly earlier this year; her dad has been in the hospital for the better part of two months now, and he’s just been getting worse… I’m really hoping he pulls through…

I feel weird having so much emotion over this. We didn’t really have contact with them growing up (mostly because of my dad’s behavior and attitude and controlling ways). Add to that my dissociation, and I struggle to find much reason for connection… but it’s there. I feel more connected to my uncle (whom I’ve met maybe a handful of times) than to my dad…

I’m worried about him & my aunt & my cousins, and my mom. I want him to pull through, but it doesn’t sound good right now…

Can you send some positive healing vibes out into the universe for him? He could really use it…