Trying to distract

I’ve really been struggling with flashbacks the last 3 or so days. Yesterday was really bad. Today I’m exhausted but they are still dancing at the periphery of my awareness. I feel like, if I let my guard down for a moment, they will burst through.

image

In hopes of giving my brain other stuff to focus on, I thought I’d try drawing again. I have not done much realistic sketching for quite a while, and I’ve done even less with portraits. I feel like that part of my brain has been sleeping, and now it’s pissed I’m making it work: I have a headache from forcing the gears to turn…

image

Anyway, I’ve been drawing and erasing for about 2 hours on this. The expression is wrong, and it’s frustrating. He doesn’t look as harsh in the reference pic but I can’t seem to get the eyes and mouth correct for the softer, lighter look.

I’m putting it down for now to avoid ripping it to shreds. It doesn’t help that I still want to cry hysterically over the stupid flashbacks. Part of me wants to reach out to TL, but her voice mail is full. I also have no idea what I would say to her. I could tell her about the flashbacks and how overwhelming they are, but that would only lead her to ask if I need to go to the ER. She misses that middle-ground of sometimes just needing to feel supported in this. The stuff we talked about the last two weeks is relatively new to me. The contents of the flashbacks are that new stuff, and I’m not sure how to handle them. It’s also not something I’m comfortable talking to anyone else about. I’m not sure they are accurate as memories. They are very disturbing, and they would be met with extreme prejudice… I wish TL had more availability… 😦

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