Monthly Archives: August 2013
I know I should be talking about this with the appropriate people, but it is difficult, so I will write it here.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you invite him here and then get mad when I choose to leave for the duration of his visit (I shut him out of my life for a reason, and I really have no desire to let him back in). You can choose to have him come around, but don’t try to guilt me into sticking around for it. I don’t want to spend time with him. That kind of interaction is just not good for me. I know this last time wasn’t so bad, but I refuse to push my luck. I have enough trouble with all the crap in my head as it is, I don’t need help going over the edge.
I chose to stay away most of the time last visit because I wanted to limit the chances of me being really triggered. I want to be completely gone this next time, because I don’t want to deal with all that he brings up in me (and quite frankly, I don’t want to deal with your anger either. You refuse to tell me what’s bothering you. You may hint at it, but you leave me pretty much guessing. I don’t want to have to keep guessing). It’s better for all concerned if we just took off while he was slated to visit.
I get it, we are annoying and frustrating, and you want us gone asap. We are working on that. But in the mean time, I refuse to forego everything that helps keep me sane. I will choose to spend my money how I see fit. I am saving what I can, and we will be out of your hair asap because that seems like what you desperately want. Hell, if I could afford to move us out today, I would because you are clearly bothered by our presence. But that’s just not realistic unless we suddenly win the lottery.
We try to help out around the house, but nothing is ever good enough for you. It’s always too messy, or too noisy, or too chaotic, or too quiet. Sorry. I don’t know how to win with that. Like I said, we are working on getting out of here so that you can go back to your quiet and solitary existence. My bad for assuming I could move back to my own house and be welcome.
I know the dogs are bothersome. I try to work on it, but I can’t do that alone. I had asked for help with it, but it seems to be too much to ask. Coming here has thrown everyone off. It will take extra work to get them settled again (it’s also really hard to do anything with them outside of the house down here. The state and municipalities make it impossible to go anywhere with them).
I’m also sorry that trying to include you in what we do outside of the house makes you so uncomfortable. I’m sorry us leaving the house bothers you (but then again, staying home seems to do the same thing). I know I can’t handle being cooped up all the time, and I’m pretty sure it drives L nuts also. If we could take the dogs, we would, but again, too hot and too restrictive around here,
I feel like everything we do is wrong. I feel like everything we do is too little. If we don’t to the dishes, that’s a problem. If we do the dishes but don’t do them correctly, that’s a problem. If we clean up, we never do it to your standards. If we don’t, you just make passive-aggressive comments about the mess, but don’t attempt to help take care of it. I feel like we can’t win… and I feel like we can’t ever talk about it because, at this point, you are too angry and we are too defensive.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to keep running from things and trying to dodge bullets flying at me from the dark… I want to fix my shit and move on with my life. I miss my “friends” and my safe spaces. I miss being away from all this chaos and triggers. I miss having some idea of where to turn for support… I hate feeling so lost and hopeless and broken. I want to figure shit out, get off disability, and get back to working again… I want my freedom back…
Last night was another night of poor sleep. Then I had my session with De bright and early. I want to say “we” talked, but she did most of the talking. She seemed very concerned with me getting into a routine that will help me “wind down” in hopes of avoiding the anxiety that seems to come every night, I think I would have rather tried exploring where the anxiety comes from… She just said she pictured it as worries from the day, and worries about things I couldn’t do anything about at the moment. (she didn’t bother to ask if I thought she was correct). She wants me to schedule in “worry time” earlier in the day so that I can “get it out of the way” and hopefully not deal with it at night. The thing is, I don’t think the worry is much about that stuff… I wish I knew what is actually was about, but I’m not feeling connected to the idea that it’s stuff I can identify right now (boredom, finances, etc). I think it has more to do with something else (it feels deeper than that stuff), but I can’t tell you exactly what, because I just don’t know. I also told her I felt like I was running from something “brewing”, but we didn’t really get to explore that either… I know I have been trying to help my wife express her concerns about the therapy process to her own therapist, but now I have to figure out how to do that with mine. I would really appreciate being able to talk more. I don’t necessarily need to immediately solve all these problems, but I want to explore them and figure out where they are coming from. If I wanted suggestions on solving them, I could ask my mom…
Again this week I am left with a bunch of stuff I needed to talk about, but didn’t get to. I feel like I say one sentence, and De talks about it for 20 minutes without giving me a chance to interrupt or give my thoughts on it. She’s very behaviorally slanted, and it’s kinda making me nuts. I just need to be able to address that with her… and the talking… I think the only person I know who talks more than her is my dad… not a good association there, lol! I’m not getting what I need from therapy, and I need to be able to say as much. I don’t know how though. I don’t know how to tell people what I need because I am afraid they will be mad at me for disliking what the status quot is. I miss D, because at least he would let me talk. And we figured out a way to communicate finally. I don’t know how to do it with De. I’m not sure I have the courage to ask her to speak less and listen more…. Even writing things down to bring with me is difficult. I feel like I would get to the first point and then be stuck listening to her as she tries to solve it. It’s not that I don’t want to solve the problem, and it’s not that she doesn’t offer up helpful info, it’s just that I sometimes need to get there a little more myself first.
The “worry time” allotted to today seems to not have made an impact. My anxiety and moodiness are back again. I even came willingly into the bedroom to escape the chaos in the living room, but it’s creeping up on me again. Still running from something, and the pace seems to have picked-up a bit. It’s nowhere near the break-neck speed I launch into before an immanent crash, but I know I’m hurrying out of something’s way (or trying to). De had told me to tell her before I get to that immanent crash point. Maybe I should have interjected that those come hard and fast after a point. I think she is thinking it will happen over weeks… I’m trying hard not to crash, but I have a feeling once it starts, it will literally happen overnight, It has in the past. Ok, so that would have been a good thing to tell her… my bad. Maybe next week we can bring that up.
Take the third line of the last song you heard, make it your post title, and write for a maximum of 15 minutes. (POD Truly Amazing). (idea taken from hastywords)
I wish you could meet her, that little one inside. She’s shy though… She hides behind walls and blades and in the fog. It used to be a scary place, but now the fog is comforting. It’s all she’s known for so long.
I came to bed tonight at the same time my wife did. The anxiety did not come, but anger rose in me as I got closer to the room. I’m suddenly cranky and want to cry for no reason (though I did accidentally break the marble candle holder I had made a few weeks ago. I very nearly cried when that happened. I will have to put it together again with different glue). Anyway, I’m all over the place and I don’t really have a reason for it.
Something in me wants to run away crying. I’m confused by it. There is definitely a dread connected to going to bed at night. I just have no idea why it’s there. I don’t have nightmares I remember anymore. Some days I wake up with an anxious feeling, but I don’t remember much by way of dream content, so I can’t blame it on that. There has to be something that brings on this anxiety, but what?? I see De tomorrow morning, maybe we can talk about it more (likely she will do most of the talking). J asked today if there was any abuse or anything connected to going to bed. There’s nothing I remember. I know the guy at the parties was at bedtime, but I don’t remember any of that, and it was a whole different house, different country even. I can’t picture that being the reason for this feeling.
I think I may try to sleep to music tonight. I feel like crying, but I don’t want to, and music helps keep that at bay. J asked L about something in session today, and L said that when she fears I am slipping away, she gets more anxious and demanding and clingy. The one concept that sticks out in my head is L saying how frustrating it is when I tell her something’s brewing inside, but I don’t tell her what it is. I’m not sure if I said it out loud or not, but I don’t always know what it is myself, so I can’t possibly tell her… I feel like that will be another issue tonight, as I’m writing that something is bothering me, but not saying what it is (because I don’t know what it is). How can you possibly tell someone something you have no grasp on yourself. This is why it’s so hard for me to open up… I can say something is wrong, but I have no answers to the questions of “what” and “why”.
Again there is so much ground to cover with De, and we will likely only get to one tiny part. The rest will be tabled for the next session (by which time it will be over-shadowed by something else). I feel I need more sessions or more support to be able to address everything that comes up and that is important. I always have a week of needing to talk about so much, but never get to it.
Randomly during couple’s therapy today, I suddenly had the urge to cut my arms. I haven’t done that in years, so the urge is baffling. I know I had made note of its occurrence, but I can’t remember what we were talking about that might have brought the urge on. Again, more questions and concern with no answers in sight. Maybe it was the name thing; that is what was triggering with De last week… but maybe it was the talk of the anxiety before bed. I’m not sure. It’s probably all related, but I can’t figure out why just yet.
I hate the sketchy nature of all these symptoms. I hate that I only ever run into more questions when searching for the answers. When do I actually hit some answers and solutions? I’m so tired of all this.
When I first started writing this, I had simultaneous ideas in my head. One was to write a story on wishing you could meet the little girl lost inside (I thought of saying “me” or “the girl I used to be” but both of those also brought up a weird inner cringe). Another was a wish to introduce SJ. Another was to introduce the person I had been (or thought I was)… all of that fizzled though. I don’t know who to introduce with this, so I will just call it a day and end here. The person I once was seems to have never been, so you can’t be introduced….
I’m in an uncharted place emotionally. I am somewhat aware of things going on in the background, but they are not as hectic and frantic as they normally are. I am not quite sure what to do with this. I feel like I’m trying to out-run something (some break-down), but I don’t feel like I’m running too hard, more like that quick pace you get right between noticing that someone is following you in the shadows and the point you head out in a full-on sprint. It’s the quickening steps in the middle of the cones of light cast down by the street lamps as you walk the sidewalk at night. But it’s not yet the run or even jog. I’m noticing the presence in the shadows, but I’m not quite worried about it yet. I still think it’s a cat or something equally harmless. It’s not stopping me from my hell-bent distraction though. I need to keep moving. I need to keep my head and my hands busy… And I’m again anxious about sleeping (monsters seem to fill the shadows in sleep). Something about going to bed at night causes near-panic. I can nap during the day and finally sleep well just before sunrise, but the thought of going to bed and actually sleeping before 1 or 2 a.m. raise my heartbeat and hastens my breathing (and not at all in a good way). There’s something that worries me about sleeping at night. I’m not quite sure what. I could take my anxiety meds, but that would require going to the bedroom. It’s not even like the room or the bed is scary. My wife is asleep and all the dogs are in there. I’m out here alone with the cats and the uneaten crickets in the lizard tanks (anyone that says they can sleep better with the sounds of chirping crickets never had to breed/house them… It’s only about 40 crickets total right now (better than the thousands I used to house to feed my chameleons daily) and the noise is deafening. I wish the lizards would get on with the eating process).
Anyway, I like the dark and the night-time, but something is triggering an anxious response lately. I think it’s the monsters that come out to play in my dreams. Somehow they are safer to dream about in the daylight or near-daylight, thought I don’t remember the dreams.
This morning I dreamt about an old therapist. I was to meet with her after she spoke to my mom (much like therapy with kids), and she had her own kids in her office waiting for her to be done with her work day. My mom stepped out of the office and I began talking to L. After a few sentences, I realized that her daughter and her daughter’s bf were still in the office. I asked her to make them leave because she knew I had enough trouble talking about “this stuff” without having others around to hear it. She refused to ask them to go out of the room, so I stood up and angrily walked out. I sat with my mom in the waiting room while L ended up calling 911 (or her supervisor, the call was weird). She was upset that I walked out and was going to have me committed even though I had just told her that I was not cutting recently. She begged her supervisor and “everyone” to call her back. I waited in the waiting room hoping she would come out and I could convince her I wasn’t a danger to myself. Then I woke up, I wish the dream had finished, but something jolted me out of it. I know it’s a totally ridiculous scenario and would never happen. I’m wondering however, why my brain brought her back to my awareness, and why I was a kid-adult in the dream… and why was she committing me for no real reason?
I want to know how it ended. At the same time, I am not eager to return to the anxiety of the dream situation. Even this one dream doesn’t explain all the anxiety I have been having going to sleep for the last few months… This was just last night. What happened all the other nights? I can’t really remember any other dreams. I’m just filled with dread about going to sleep. I can be incredibly exhausted and still have a difficult time convincing myself to get into bed. Then the anxiety keeps me up at night, and I don’t sleep until just about sunrise. It’s very frustrating.
I wish I could step out of my head. I want away from the anxiety. I want to avoid the dread that is seeping in. I don’t know where I want to go or what I want to happen, but I just want to blink out of existence for a while until this all goes away. I feel like I have lived lifetimes in the past week. We have not done much out of the ordinary though. It just all feels like last week was forever ago… weird. Again back to the feeling of quick-stepping away from whatever is stalking me. Does it all settle out finally? I’m so tired of this back and forth and spirals and scribbles. I could use a straight emotional line in a positive or positive/neutral direction.
One of my wife’s bosses at Michael’s turned us on to Perler beads (the ones you put onto a small peg-board and then melt together with the iron to keep the design). Little did she know she would unleash monsters.
Not only did it have 3 of us sorting colors for hours (the OCD sides to us all were SO satisfied when the colors were finally separated into their own little containers), but the challenge of doing an original piece based off a photo or object has me working for the whole day. I managed to get totally enthralled by the process of figuring out the proper bead/color placement to create what I was looking for.
I started out with 2 Hello Kitty designs yesterday and this morning based on little candy tins my wife has (she has a slight obsession with tins and containers). They came out pretty good after I got the correct head:body ratio. (I changed the vampire’s whisker color to purple like her clothes… the yellow just wasn’t working for me). I am not really much of a Hello Kitty fan, but I think these came out cute (and they are Halloween-themed, which just so happens to be my favorite holiday)
Then tonight I started my first realistic Perler “painting” using this photo from the internet as reference. I have a ton of tweaking to do, and this is just the start of it all, but I think I like where it’s going. My only problem is that I can’t decide which version I prefer: the one on the left or the one on the right. I ran out of the colors for the one on the left, so I tried the one on the right. I’m not sure I like it as much as the first one because the color contrast is much higher between the shading, highlighting, and base gecko color (though I really like that blue for him). I also have to set the eyes a tad father apart, and adjust the left side of the top “V” on his head. This one will be a HUGE project if I decide to go all-out and do the whole image (more than the crop used to show the reference gecko). So far the gecko’s head is a good 4.5″ (it should be noted here that the geckos themselves are only about 3″ full-grown). The black piece below him is the start of the patterning under his jaw (not easily visible in the reference pic included in the collage). Hopefully I will keep up with it, though I will have to wait until the extra beads come in. It has definitely kept my hands and my brain occupied, which keeps me out of trouble 😉
So, I made some tweaks and added more beads. I guess it’s not so bad with all the dark blue…