Tag Archives: distractions

As soon as I stop running from distraction to distraction, the black hole returns to my chest…

After session today, I came home and dragged art stuff outside bent on making a mess. I invited one of the neighbors to join in the mess making. She didn’t end up participating, but we chatted for a while.

The mess turned out ok. I tried something I had seen a friend do a lot of lately: fluid acrylic abstract painting.

It was fun to put large amounts of paint and water to canvas and watch the components interact… I tried harder with the first painting (blue/ green/ black), and I think it looks kinda forced. The second one (magenta/ orange) was more spontaneous. I picked colors I don’t normally use, and just went to town wherever the paint landed. I really like it, except I used too much water so a lot of the color was lost as it dried…

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Yesterday & Today

The anxiety was overwhelming yesterday. I wasn’t connected to the emotional impact of it at first; it was just the physical symptoms (being “on alert”, racing heart, tense muscles, distracted by everything, inability to sit still, feeling out of breath). They were intense and lasted the whole day. I tried to breathe through it and repeat grounding phrases, but very little worked to slow any of it for more than a few moments at a time. I jumped almost every time a customer walked through the door. Every loud noise startled me, and the constant barking of the dogs kept it feeling like I needed to stay on alert (in reality, the dogs were just barking because they are away from home and stressing, not because there’s anything to be worried about). I counted all the dogs and did the walk-through at least 7 times before leaving. I felt like every customer might be angry with me or cause a confrontation (no one actually was/did). I went back several times to check the doors to make sure they were locked. I even sat in the parking lot with my dogs ready to leave but mentally going over everything again to make sure everything was done before I left…

This morning is a bit better. It took forever to fall asleep, and I definitely didn’t sleep well, but I got some sleep, so that was good. Unfortunately, my stuff has a habit of kicking in as the day wears on. I noticed the anxiety returning about an hour ago. The echos of the past are still there, though mostly emotional at this point… :/

There’s group later today, so that should help. Then L and I have to clean up and make the apartment look presentable. I hope they don’t freak out over the cats and snakes. They know about the dogs, but the rest wasn’t mentioned at the time we moved in… there’s also some financial stuff I need to get on the ball with asap…Maybe now would be a good time to motive and call for that extra assistance from local social services. If I could just get some support doing all this stuff, it might help make it easier…

The self-harm thoughts are screaming at me still… gotta keep avoiding them, though it would help my head shut up for a while… Maybe I should try the aprn at Dr C’s office and see if he can give me something for the anxiety when it gets this bad..


Running

I’m running from something, I’m just not sure what.

In the half hour it took me to drive to Dr C’s office, I went from being apathetic about therapy, to not wanting to go, to being mad at myself for not canceling in time, to wanting to cry my eyes out… after chatting about our weekends, and discussing book binding, I finally managed to tell her about not wanting to be there, and wanting to cry. We talked about my other desperate bids for distraction lately also (wanting to spend all my time on art, or working out how to accomplish going bioactive for all my snakes while also upgrading them on a tight budget)…

I dunno. I definitelyam feeling something intense, i’m just not sure what. Dr C seems to think it’s a desire to improve my own quality of life (because of the focus on the animals). She could be right ::shrugz::

I’m just so tired both physically and emotionally. It’s frustrating and it’s getting old. I want to not be so tired all the time.


Mandatory distraction can be good

Thursday’s appointment with my doctor was super triggering. Not only did it bring up the distant past, but it brought up the events of 5 years ago.

I had hoped to have individual therapy after the appointment, but Dr C had asked if I was ok moving group to the later time (since I would have missed group for the doctor’s appointment). I agreed to making that individual slot group instead. I regretted it almost immediately, but I had already agreed, so I wasn’t going to reneg…

I’m glad I at least had group. Between group and the triggering appointment, I had asked Dr C if she had additional individual time that day. She didn’t, but suggested I try to talk in group. I wasn’t at all sure I would know how to make what I needed to process group-appropriate, but Dr C managed to lead me there. It helped being able to be a bit more open, though I felt bad for being so self-absorbed during group…

Anyway, today was more distraction: a former college roommate is visiting from another part of the country. We’ve been hanging out quite a bit. It’s nice to have someone around during the day. She gets the depression piece intimately. We don’t talk too much about it, but it’s nice to have someone other than L with whom I can be honest.  She’s also an awesome motivator to get moving. We ended up walking just over 5 miles today with the dogs. I have not done anything like that since several weeks (if not months) before the move. It was good to get out, even if it reminded me exactly how out-of-shape I am…

Tomorrow will be another forced distraction: I will be working a 9-hour day. They generally wear me out. Being at work, interacting with customers all day, also forces me to be out of my head whenever they are there. Then when I finally get home, I don’t want to do much of anything other than veg on the couch… I hope that will all accumulate to be enough to keep me stable.

Speaking of stability, I’m contemplating asking Dr C what she thinks of trying to increase session frequency in an effort to jump-start progress. I’m so tired of feeling so stuck. I will figure the financial piece out somehow…

I’m tired of being so triggered by so much. I’m tired of not being fully in my relationship. I’m just tired… all week I’ve been battling increased self harm urges. I’m tired of that also. I’m tired of struggling with one coping skill or another. I just want to be fixed already.

I mentioned to my friend today that I never pictured myself living to this age. I always thought I’d die by 24. To still be kicking at 36 is almost beyond my comprehension. I need to get my shit together and get back to living a someht productive life. I’m tired of being a failure because I can’t get out of my own way long enough to succeed at something.

So tomorrow is work. Sunday is spent with the wife. And Monday we’ll work on an accelerated plan for therapy. Maybe some day that will lead to being able to being settled and stable.


I have no nifty title for this…

My brain feels like mush lately. I feel as if I’ve been running non-stop for weeks (when in actuality, it’s only been 5 days… and they were not even consecutive days). I can’t hold a conversation or pay attention to much of anything.

I have therapy in about an hour. This should be fun with mush-brain… at least I have some stuff written out that I can show her, and my first art journal…

My brother and his wife had their baby on Tuesday 😀 Went to see her that day for a short time. They are going to be awesome parents! (Though it’s a bit weird to think my little brother has a kid). I want to go back and see her again, but I know they need their time to get adjusted. L and I are hoping to head there Sunday for a bit…

Really have to take some time today and try to clean the house. We never did it this past weekend, and it shows in a big way…

Little dog is coming to therapy with me. He’s been locked up a lot this week, and I feel bad telling him he’d have to be locked up yet again… He will also be a good balance for the session. There’s some heavy stuff that’s been making waves in my brain for a while now, and I really want to address at least some of it. Having Little Dog there will give me an easy grounding object (or so I hope).

Anyway, sorry for the jumpy nature of this post. Hopefully I will be back to reading and writing with more regularity soon.


Finally showed her one of my art journals

I’ve been lugging some stuff back and forth to my appointments with Dr C since I stated seeing her again. Yesterday I was able to tell her about them. I ended up showing her one of the art journals & that icky timeline I had done for TM. She encouraged me to keep bringing in the art journals, and we made a tentative plan to show her the rest of the stuff I have been lugging around at the next session…

I was also able to voice that I’m still building trust again both with her and the group. She said it was normal and expected. Phew!

It was a good session. I’m glad to be back working with someone I know, and who knows me. While things have changed since the last time we worked together, there’s a lot less of the “getting to know you” stage and that’s a huge relief.

When I started writing this entry, I had the intention of covering more, but distractions happened and I no longer remember what I wanted to write… oh well. Next time (which may end up being another week, because life is pretty busy right now).

Hope you all are doing well. Catch ya later!

-sj