Monthly Archives: July 2013

faced some anxiety today…

… and the world did not come to an end.  I did not die a horrible, excruciating death.  no one hates me… It felt like the world was about to end and I was going to die immediately before the phone call I was supposed to make, but neither happened.  D was right.  Also, the car place does not hate me, and in fact are happy I got in touch with them…

Weird thing is, even thinking back to having called them, my anxiety sky-rockets again.

I have not yet heard back about disability.  I really want to know either way.  I really need to know.  I want to be able to plan my next steps in treatment, and I feel like I am at a stand-still until I find out.  This is beyond frustrating and maddening.  I hate waiting.  I hate not knowing where things will go next.  I finally have some hope back, and I can’t do anything with it because I’m stuck listening to elevator muzak while waiting for the letter… I was supposed to call my worker and ask her how the decision process was going, but I could only handle one anxiety-provoking call in a day.

Also, random rant, what’s with rice prices lately?!  I used to be able to go to the Indian market and buy a 2-pack of 5lb sacks of really good Basmathi rice for $15… now I have to shell out $25 for a single bag.  I like rice.  A lot.  It sucks to have to buy the crappy American white rice because it’s all I can afford.  I want to make the Persian rice my ex-mother-in-law taught me how to make… It’s just not the same with this crappy rice.  I asked my ex if she could bring zereshk with her when she comes – it’s another thing I can’t find here. Ooh… and the kabob seasoning… man, now I’m really craving zeresk-polow with fake chicken kabob (the chicken in that recipe is not the same as the one I am used to, but that’s how you make the rice & berries).  I haven’t had that in quite a while.  I think I need to go find a market that carries everything I need.  I miss Persian cuisine.

Sensitivity is set to “high” today

I’ve noticed my startle reflex is super-sensitive today, and loud noises make my heart skip several beats. My mom’s been loud already this morning, and it’s sent shivers down my spine. I want to go hide.  I’m not sure why everything is suddenly on over-drive today. I can’t pinpoint the trigger that set me off. I know my whole body has been physically sensitive for the last few days (My boobs hurt, like really ache just sitting here. My skin is crawling with a million imaginary fire ants setting it ablaze with their tiny feet. It feels like a burning steak is being driven through my temples. My muscles are as sore as if I had done a total-body workout for the better part of yesterday).  The depression has been worse lately, but this heightened awareness seems to have blossomed again overnight… I want to cry and hide all day today. I want to be alone. Maybe I will take some of the animals outside with me and do a photo-shoot or something. It should be a mental and physical challenge to wrangle multiple reptiles into one picture.  I wish AJ was over her mites already, I could do a Carpet Python glamor shoot with all of them. I’ll just have to be ok with only 3 snakes in the pic for now.

Does anyone else have days where everything is so much more intense? Are you able to figure out why it happens? I feel like sometimes this stuff just comes out of nowhere… I’m guessing I don’t yet realize all my triggers.

The only other thing different I can think of today is having taken my Trazodone to help me sleep last night.  I have only taken it once since I got the new prescription… I can’t remember how I felt afterwards though.  Maybe the Vistaril can cancel out the extra anxiety today. I will keep that in mind.  I really hate taking all these meds though.  They end up messing my system up, and I am left in a worse space than before I took them.


He put how I feel about dbt into one concise sentence: sometimes the consequences replay the past (but he put it better than that)…

It’s a great thread of posts about the clinician’s experience of suicide… but be warned: you may cry if you read them all.

What he said reminded me of Dr C in how she explained the impact of a client’s suicide on her and her work… we forget sometimes that clinician are human too.  Even though we pay them to listen, a measure of caring develops especially if you see someone for a while… important to keep in mind.


Do I even care anymore?  I’m not sure…

I had a wonderful day with my wife yesterday.  You think the depression would lift?  Nope.

Screw this.


I think I may be getting disability. I can hardly wait.  I really need ssi…
I’m not sure what to do with the next steps in treatment. Hopefully talking to D tomorrow will help.  The program I think will be helpful does not take state or federal insurance. I need to look elsewhere.  I was so happy that it would have been local – I could have also done the iop part… right now it looks like either a program in New England, DC, or New Orleans well be my best bets.  Maybe D can help me figure it out.

I realized today (when our couple’s therapist asked about it) That I did not really expect money from disability, I was just hoping for insurance… the cash will be a huge added bonus. And I’m trying to not feel so hopeless about the future. Disability will just be a stepping stone to health. I need to keep that in the forefront if my mind. I need to not fall apart over that.

I want ice cream again… I’m not hungry, but I want to stuff all this emotion with something. Since I’m not allowed to cut or take too many pills, I need to do something. Ice cream isn’t as destructive as the other 2 coping skills.

I need to find someone to help my wife with the reptiles in case I do go inpatient someplace. Maybe I will reach out to the local herp society.  I’m a member, just never go to meetings because they are over an hour away.  Hopefully someone will be willing to help tho…

I’m lost again…

… but not in the same way I was last week.  Last week’s “lost” translated to hopeless despair.  This week’s “lost” translates to being unsure of my path and my purpose.  I feel the hopelessness, but not the despair.

I saw the SA therapist yesterday.  I have made the decision not to continue seeing her.  She took what little hope I had left for finding helpful treatment and crushed it to the ground.  She made me feel like my goals for treatment and my ideas of what will work are impossible and non-existent.  She spent 20 minutes out of our 30 minute session (I chose to leave early) harping on being involuntarily committed.  She said that she is not above calling the cops to go to someone’s house to pick them up after they leave a session.  My initial question to her was how a voluntary hospitalization would affect our work together.  She insisted that there was no voluntary hospitalization, and that if I even told her I felt the need to be inpatient, she would commit me.    She insisted that, even if I went there on my own, I would lose all input to my treatment (which seems accurate for this state at least at the general hospital level.  I’m not sure about specialized psych hospitals).   She insisted that I would be discharged for not doing exactly as the “professionals” suggested even if I disagreed with the treatment.  I told her I did not respond well to most meds.  She then asked why I would want to go inpatient.  I tried to explain that I was looking for a treatment program, not crisis stabilization.  I told her I wanted to be able to tackle some of the trauma stuff in a safe environment.  She seemed unable to grasp that concept.  She continued on judging me and calling me willful.  She said I will never find treatment to meet my needs because I was not open to medications.  I tried to tell her how all my treaters were amazed at how much better I did off meds, but she said it was just the cyclical nature of my depression…  In the same breath that she told me I would not benefit from therapy with her, she also told me she wanted me to come in twice a week. It was at that point that I gave up, thanked her for her time, and left.  I told her I will get back in contact with the center if I ever needed their help, but I was not interested in it at this time.

What is it about the way I say things that has people so disbelieving and misinterpreting what I say.  Is it that I am a person who struggles with all this, so I can’t possibly know myself enough to know what works and what does not?  Is my education and understanding of treatment invalid because I carry a number of diagnoses? Has my experience in the field been over-shadowed by my struggles?

Hoping to regain some hope, I called a local trauma treatment center (WIIT) for info.  They do not take my potential insurance, so I asked if they knew of any places with a similar treatment model.  The lady on the phone gave me the name to a place in New Orleans, River Oaks Hospital.  They seem promising, and take my potential insurance.  I will probably try to call them soon.  There  is one aspect to their treatment that I cringe at:

Spiritual Integration Group

meets weekly to address issues of spirituality. This group identifies spiritual interfering beliefs and behaviors with a focus on healthy challenges and choices.

I am not religious.  I do not want to find Allah or God or Jehova or Jesus.  I have my beliefs, and I am satisfied with them.  I am also very triggered by talk of turning to organized religion or spirituality.  I can accept Buddhism a little easier, but even that makes my skin crawl.  I can handle the concept of a universal energy.  I can sometimes accept that we are here for a reason, so our souls can learn whatever it is they singed up for when taking on this life, but I certainly cannot handle talk of a god.  I am ok with a heavily scientific bend to my life… So I will call this place and see if I can learn more about this group.  I specifically stay away from any 12-step style programs because it is so triggering to me.  I hate that so many places place such emphasis on that model.  It’s another example of something pervasive in treatment circles, yet does not work for everyone.  When I mention how triggering spirituality and religion are to me, people inevitably label it as resistance to treatment.  They have trouble understanding that I do not believe in it, nor do I wish to convert my belief structure…

Anyway, stepping off my soapbox, I’m lost.  I have trouble seeing much past the immediate circumstance.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I have little motivation and fewer resources.  This just sucks…


One of my huge stressors from Friday had been that one of my lizards in an outdoor enclosure escaped.  Well, today I found her on the wall about 4 feet from where the cage used to be (it’s now inside in case of any more escapes). I am SO relieved to have found her! Most geckos have a pretty small range, and will often sick close to a favorite tree or cave.  I’m glad she did not venture far, since the patio is open. I was sure she would have been lost forever if she wandered out into the trees.  So happy she’s *home*


She did not share in my elation.  She dropped half her tail trying to escape. She also latched on to my hand and did not let go for over 7 minutes.  I finally remembered she hates being misted, and that made her let go. Tokays are larger geckos (she was 12″ with full tail) and can bite quite hard if they choose to. They are also nervous and will often bite when handled until they get used to being picked up.  I never worked with the girls to get them hand tame.  Maybe I need to think about it now 😉