Yesterday, we headed out to the other coast for a day trip. A friend was down for a visit, and we decided to meet up. It was a much-needed and quite awesome experience. My wife and I detoured on the way over and took a road that led into the swamp. We pulled over a few times to check out some of the wildlife. I’m so grateful that my wife indulged me like that. I was able to get some cool pics of vultures, 2 kinds of locusts, and a box turtle (<–really cool coz I have never seen them in the wild before). Then we headed out of a refuge where we saw more really cool critters. THEN WE SAW WILD DOLPHINS!!!! We were at the beach taking pics and noticed a bunch of people watching something in the water. That’s when we saw what it was: 2 adults and a baby dolphin! L and I were not dressed to go in the water, but we figured it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. We pulled our wallets and phones out of our pockets. I held everything up high in one hand and walked out taking pictures with my camera in the other (I kept forcing myself not to play out any worst-case scenarios of being knocked over by waves or tripping and losing all our electronics to the ocean water). I waded out farther than L, and got a pretty good view of them. They swam about 4 feet from a lady and her adult son. We must have watched them for a good 15 minutes before they swam off towards the gulf. Luckily L and I had remembered to bring a change of clothes with us so we were not soaked the whole rest of the day. We were definitely on a high the rest of the day though.
We got home just after 11pm, but my head was already spinning with how tired I was by the time I pulled the car into the driveway. I slept like a rock and had a lot of trouble getting up in the morning. I was able to stay awake for a few hours before that same head-spinning, “about to pass out I’m so tired” feeling hit again. I crawled back into bed to sleep for another 2 hours. I’ve been up for less than 2 hours, and that feeling is back. I thought it may be from not eating enough today, but even having dinner has not helped much. I guess I really tired myself out these last few weeks. But yesterday was totally worth it. We got to cross 2 things off our bucket list…
I had a panic attach. I searched my name on the internet and found a whole ton of information. Accurate information. Complete information. It scared the crap out of me. I had always wondered how bitch found me all those times… how can you escape a stalker if all your info is out there for the world to see? how can I erase it? oh shit. oh shit. oh shit… someone tell me how to disappear. please?
There was a quiz attached to a list of art therapy prompts I found online. I was really looking for a clarification of the prompt, but it led to the quiz. I thought it was kinda interesting, but also quite accurate. I’m impressed. I didn’t look into who came up with it, but it’s pretty neat. The following is what I got:
What kind of Warrior are you?
||Your sphere is Guardian (Person of great Love and Altruism), and your class is Defender (Peaceful, yet Potent).
You are a Warden.
To be a Warden is to be the ultimate Guardian. Whether a physical Guardian or an essential Guardian, is up to you. You may be both. To be a physical Guardian is to be a living, breathing testament to the love you carry for a person, or people, whose lives you will always defend if you possibly can. To be an essential Guardian is to be a living, breathing testament to the security that your wards seek, and will look to you for your always kind, always nurturing support.
Get HTML of this result to paste into your online journal
33385 people have taken this test so far.
55.5% of the 4804 Wardens surveyed say that they are strict about sex, keeping it only for serious relationships.
27.9% agree with you, saying that they love many people, but are intimate with few.
My stomach hurts (from an infection due to an antibiotic), my head hurts… and my heart hurts. And I can’t seem to alleviate any of it. The medicine doesn’t take away the stomach or head pain, and I don’t think there’s a medicine for the heartache (at least none that would be “healthy”). So I’m trying to drown it all out. I’m sitting here bingeing on Grey’s Anatomy hoping that their story will make me forget my own for a bit… It only works half-way.
Friday De asked me to help her help me figure stuff out. She said that she was willing to work on stuff, but I had to point her in the right direction. She wanted me to tell her what I need… Great, if only I knew. This all has eluded me for 2 decades, how the hell am I supposed to come up with insight now? I tried to express what I mean when I say I “get stupid” about things, but I don’t think I did a good job. What I mean when I say it is that I cannot apply any of my learning to myself, nor can I figure out a helpful strategy for any hypothetical client that may be going through any of what I am. I get lost and I don’t know how to help anyone else or myself. I’m at that stage now. I have no clue what else needs to happen to allow me to move on from things. The only thing I do know is that the flashbacks, unwanted memories, body memories, and nightmares don’t go away… I don’t know how to alleviate them or make them less of a problem. I just don’t know what to do next. She had said she could just ask me questions, but that it would not be helpful, more along the lines of torture. I can handle torture. I know what to do with that. I don’t know how to deal with all this though. I know how to run or numb or cut, but I don’t know how to simply move on. Apparently, neither does she. I tried to tell her that the time she sprung talking about Duckboy on me was good, but she doesn’t want to over-do that. I have no answers for her. I have no insight or ideas. I just don’t know what to do (if I did, I probably wouldn’t need as much of her help).
So what do you do? How do you move on? What makes things like this better?
I went to feed the dogs tonight… Twig’s dish was just sitting there. I can look past her absence during the day, she used to sleep all the time lately (though taking them out is weird. you wouldn’t think one dog out of 5 makes such a difference, but it does…). At night, the lack of her weight on the bed is chalked-up to her sleeping on the floor (at least in my sleep-fogged head). But when I go to feed the dogs and her dish just sits there empty and unused, it’s weird. and sad. and empty… There’s a Twiggy-shaped hole in the house (and my heart). I know it was the right choice, but it doesn’t take away the hurt of missing her. and it adds one more thing to the huge list of losses.
De keeps trying to convince me this is all normal and even expected, but my head and heart wishes it wasn’t.
Yesterday she took a turn for the worse. It was decided that she’s just suffering needlessly, and we can’t do anything to make her better at this point. Mom took her this morning… this was the first time in my life I chose not to go. The humane society doesn’t let you be with your pet when they euthanize them, so what would the point have been other than torturing myself? I cuddled her before she left, and told her I loved her… and I cried.
She was the third pet to go this week. Every 2 days… :(…