Tag Archives: music

Every Little Thing – Carly Pearce

My current song obsession is “Every Little Thing” by Carly Pearce.

It’s written about a guy she wants to move on from, but the majority of lyrics can work for traumatic memories & flashbacks…

:shrugz:

I dunno.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, mostly because I haven’t really known what to write… lots has happened since I last wrote, and most is just stressful and overwhelming. I’m still not really sure what to write about any of it.

Currently in a depressive funk. Finally gave in and got med samples for a class of antidepressant I haven’t tried before (the most recent ones that they hadn’t released at the time I was last on medications 6 years ago). I got them last week. I haven’t taken them yet, still building the courage. The nurse and I are in agreement that if the impulsiveness shows up, I’m stopping the med instead of piling anything onto it… needless to say, I have very little faith in it 1) having any positive impact, and 2) not sending me into a terrible spiral… I might try them tonight, since I’ll have a few days without having to be at work or engaging in mandatory activities. The art show I’m a part of is closing Saturday, but I can probably make that 2 hour commitment unless side-effects are outrageously bad in 3 days (it’s been known to happen with me and meds, but supposedly this class of meds works better with my system. We’ll see).

This is also that time of year that is traditionally difficult. There are a handful of anniversaries that give me trouble at the beginning of summer. Hopefully it will all be over after the first week of July, and I can get back to dealing with the present stressors…

I dunno. I thought I’d be better by now. I thought I’d have my life together and I’d be back working in a field that I not only enjoy, but one in which I can make a decent wage… instead, I’m struggling to get to a part-time job 2 days a week that pays minimum wage, but should at least be fun. I’m not even sure I know what fun means anymore. L showed me a video this morning that she found hilarious. I think, if I weren’t so down, I’d probably have found it hilarious too… :/

I’m just so tired and spent. I’m sure L is even more spent… I’m ready for 2017 to be over, and for things to greatly improve.

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I don’t have a good working title for this piece

This whole “reorganization” of how I handle stress; the shift from instant dissociation of emotions in order to deal with the situation at hand, to an overwhelm of emotions and feel incompetent, has my little world in a sort of chaos…

Flipping through some junk mail, I found the perfect image: a long-exposure picture of a barn and night sky. The long exposure made the stars look like circular steaks in the sky, and the angle of the image gave the barn a “funhouse mirror” effect of stretching and angling it to look ominous and looming.

I did an image transfer onto a page in a journal that already had some paint and ink on it (one of those “hey, let’s not waste this extra stuff” pages with stencil “stamping” and other random effects). The stuff that was already there can be seen through the image transfer. It gives some added depth, but also goes with the feeling in trying to convey (they were Halloween-themed stencils I had been testing out)… the transfer came out grungy; again, it fits the feel of the page. Sadly, much of the detail of the streaking stars was lost. It just looked like a glowing barn next to a large black area. I accented the streaks with my white pen. Sometimes I’m glad that my supplies don’t work “perfectly” because the intermittent lines made by the pen mimicked the steaks in the original image. It was frustrating when I tried to use the same pen to write lyrics from a Tori Amos song on the page, but it worked perfectly for the stars…

The page has a few different sets of lyrics on it. I don’t normally mix lyrics on pages, but the the two tori songs are connected in my head… and the telepop music inspired words are a reminder to balance the chaos (“just breathe. just be”… I was limited to the words printed on the washi tape, so not totally accurate to the song).

The lyrics in white at the top of the page are from Upside Down, by Tori Amos;

“god, I love to turn my little blue world upside down…inside my head the noise chatter chatter chatter chatter chatters… you see I’m afraid I’ll always be upside down… but my head it says I’ve been shatter shatter shatter shatter shattered… you see I love to turn my little blue world upside down”

The black lyrics in the barn are from Silent all These Years (also by Tori Amos);

“Years go by/ will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand/ years go by if I’m stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head… years go by will I choke on my tears till finally there is nothing left/ one more casualty you know we’re too easy easy easy… let’s hear what you think of me now but baby don’t look up/ the sky is falling/but what if I’m a mermaid in these jeans of his with her name still on it/ hey but I don’t care cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice/ and it’s been here/ silent all these years”

There’s more to be done on this page, but I’m not quite sure what. Going to let it lead me wherever it wants to go…

image


Sober by Niykee Heaton

Another one I’m liking at the moment…

NIYKEE HEATON
“Sober”

Feel it race
Going numb
Got me beating like a drum
What I say
When I spill
Maybe I should never talk
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay
Stories end
People change
But I’m ripping like a page
I don’t dream
I’m afraid
Seeing nightmares in the day
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay

[Pre-Chorus:]
Say goodnight
I’m still lying awake by your side
& even though I know I shouldn’t I’m
Feeding the monsters I’m afraid to fight

[Chorus:]
Leave every bottle
As empty
As my promises
Just like the last time
I swore I’d
Get sober for this
Told you I fought ‘em
They tempt me
I’m begging to live
Hands on your shoulder
I told ya
I’d get sober for this

Wanna drink
Wanna smoke
Wanna feel it in my throat
Then I sink
Then I choke
And I realize that I don’t
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay
Unafraid
Feel it rise
Baby you can bet I’m high
Then the pain
Let it ride
I been aching the whole time
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay


Over the Love by Florence + the Machine

Loving this song also…

https://youtu.be/B0AjBuCGFjY

Over The Love (Of You)
Florence + The Machine

Ever since I was a child
I’ve turned it over in my mind
I sang by the piano
Tore my yellow dress and
Cried and cried and cried

And I don’t want to see what I’ve seen
To undo what has been done
Turn off all the lights
Let the morning come, come

Now there’s green light in my eyes
And my lover on my mind
And I sing from the piano
Tear my yellow dress and
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you

On this champagne-drunken home
Against the current of gold
Everybody see I love him
‘Cause it’s the feeling that you get
When the afternoon is set
On the bridge into the city

I don’t want to see what I’ve seen
To undo what has been done
Turn off all the lights
Let the morning come

There’s green light in my eyes
And my lover on my mind
And I sing from the piano
Tear my yellow dress and
Cry and cry and cry

‘Cause your’re a hard soul to save
With an ocean in the way
But I’ll get around it
‘Cause your’re a hard soul to save
With an ocean in the way
But I’ll get around it

Now there’s green light in my eyes
And my lover on my mind
And I sing from the piano
Tear my yellow dress and
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you

Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you
(I can see the green light
I can see it in your eyes)
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you

I can see the green light
I can see it in your eyes


Fear of going back to sleep

I think part of me is afraid to try to go back to sleep. I’m afraid to not have the phone in my hands and keep feeding myself the distraction… it’s too late at this point to try to take something to relax enough to sleep. I’m sure Dr C would be ok with me making it to a later appointment if I told her I needed to sleep, but maybe I can just sleep some during the day. That feels safer… (I know it’s safe to sleep now, but talking with her about the stuff has triggered the feeling that it’s again not safe to sleep at night).

My chest still hurts from the weight of what we talked about. It still feels like it might cave inwards…

Might need to change up the music flowing into my head from Burning House by Cam, back to the old standby of Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift.


I See Fire by Jasmine Thompson (cover of Ed Sheeran’s song)

Currently obsessed with the Jasmine Thompson cover of “I See Fire” by Ed Sheeran…

image

I See Fire by Ed Sheeran

Oh, misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers’ souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin’s sons

If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night

Calling out father oh
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side

And if we should die tonight
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time

Calling out father oh
Prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
And I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

Oh, should my people fall
Then surely I’ll do the same
Confined in mountain halls
We got too close to the flame

Calling out father oh
Hold fast and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns
Then my brothers will die
And as the sky is falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out

Now I see fire
Inside the mountains
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze

I see fire (oh you know I saw a city burning out) (fire)
And I see fire (feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)
And I see fire (uh-uh-uh-uh) (fire)
And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side


Dollhouse by Melanie Martinez (link to lyrics)

http://genius.com/Melanie-martinez-dollhouse-lyrics