My current song obsession is “Every Little Thing” by Carly Pearce.
It’s written about a guy she wants to move on from, but the majority of lyrics can work for traumatic memories & flashbacks…
:shrugz:
I dunno.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted, mostly because I haven’t really known what to write… lots has happened since I last wrote, and most is just stressful and overwhelming. I’m still not really sure what to write about any of it.
Currently in a depressive funk. Finally gave in and got med samples for a class of antidepressant I haven’t tried before (the most recent ones that they hadn’t released at the time I was last on medications 6 years ago). I got them last week. I haven’t taken them yet, still building the courage. The nurse and I are in agreement that if the impulsiveness shows up, I’m stopping the med instead of piling anything onto it… needless to say, I have very little faith in it 1) having any positive impact, and 2) not sending me into a terrible spiral… I might try them tonight, since I’ll have a few days without having to be at work or engaging in mandatory activities. The art show I’m a part of is closing Saturday, but I can probably make that 2 hour commitment unless side-effects are outrageously bad in 3 days (it’s been known to happen with me and meds, but supposedly this class of meds works better with my system. We’ll see).
This is also that time of year that is traditionally difficult. There are a handful of anniversaries that give me trouble at the beginning of summer. Hopefully it will all be over after the first week of July, and I can get back to dealing with the present stressors…
I dunno. I thought I’d be better by now. I thought I’d have my life together and I’d be back working in a field that I not only enjoy, but one in which I can make a decent wage… instead, I’m struggling to get to a part-time job 2 days a week that pays minimum wage, but should at least be fun. I’m not even sure I know what fun means anymore. L showed me a video this morning that she found hilarious. I think, if I weren’t so down, I’d probably have found it hilarious too…
I’m just so tired and spent. I’m sure L is even more spent… I’m ready for 2017 to be over, and for things to greatly improve.
This whole “reorganization” of how I handle stress; the shift from instant dissociation of emotions in order to deal with the situation at hand, to an overwhelm of emotions and feel incompetent, has my little world in a sort of chaos…
Flipping through some junk mail, I found the perfect image: a long-exposure picture of a barn and night sky. The long exposure made the stars look like circular steaks in the sky, and the angle of the image gave the barn a “funhouse mirror” effect of stretching and angling it to look ominous and looming.
I did an image transfer onto a page in a journal that already had some paint and ink on it (one of those “hey, let’s not waste this extra stuff” pages with stencil “stamping” and other random effects). The stuff that was already there can be seen through the image transfer. It gives some added depth, but also goes with the feeling in trying to convey (they were Halloween-themed stencils I had been testing out)… the transfer came out grungy; again, it fits the feel of the page. Sadly, much of the detail of the streaking stars was lost. It just looked like a glowing barn next to a large black area. I accented the streaks with my white pen. Sometimes I’m glad that my supplies don’t work “perfectly” because the intermittent lines made by the pen mimicked the steaks in the original image. It was frustrating when I tried to use the same pen to write lyrics from a Tori Amos song on the page, but it worked perfectly for the stars…
The page has a few different sets of lyrics on it. I don’t normally mix lyrics on pages, but the the two tori songs are connected in my head… and the telepop music inspired words are a reminder to balance the chaos (“just breathe. just be”… I was limited to the words printed on the washi tape, so not totally accurate to the song).
The lyrics in white at the top of the page are from Upside Down, by Tori Amos;
“god, I love to turn my little blue world upside down…inside my head the noise chatter chatter chatter chatter chatters… you see I’m afraid I’ll always be upside down… but my head it says I’ve been shatter shatter shatter shatter shattered… you see I love to turn my little blue world upside down”
The black lyrics in the barn are from Silent all These Years (also by Tori Amos);
“Years go by/ will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand/ years go by if I’m stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head… years go by will I choke on my tears till finally there is nothing left/ one more casualty you know we’re too easy easy easy… let’s hear what you think of me now but baby don’t look up/ the sky is falling/but what if I’m a mermaid in these jeans of his with her name still on it/ hey but I don’t care cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice/ and it’s been here/ silent all these years”
There’s more to be done on this page, but I’m not quite sure what. Going to let it lead me wherever it wants to go…
Feel it race
Going numb
Got me beating like a drum
What I say
When I spill
Maybe I should never talk
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay
Stories end
People change
But I’m ripping like a page
I don’t dream
I’m afraid
Seeing nightmares in the day
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay
[Pre-Chorus:]
Say goodnight
I’m still lying awake by your side
& even though I know I shouldn’t I’m
Feeding the monsters I’m afraid to fight
[Chorus:]
Leave every bottle
As empty
As my promises
Just like the last time
I swore I’d
Get sober for this
Told you I fought ‘em
They tempt me
I’m begging to live
Hands on your shoulder
I told ya
I’d get sober for this
Wanna drink
Wanna smoke
Wanna feel it in my throat
Then I sink
Then I choke
And I realize that I don’t
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay
Unafraid
Feel it rise
Baby you can bet I’m high
Then the pain
Let it ride
I been aching the whole time
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay
Ever since I was a child
I’ve turned it over in my mind
I sang by the piano
Tore my yellow dress and
Cried and cried and cried
And I don’t want to see what I’ve seen
To undo what has been done
Turn off all the lights
Let the morning come, come
Now there’s green light in my eyes
And my lover on my mind
And I sing from the piano
Tear my yellow dress and
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you
On this champagne-drunken home
Against the current of gold
Everybody see I love him
‘Cause it’s the feeling that you get
When the afternoon is set
On the bridge into the city
I don’t want to see what I’ve seen
To undo what has been done
Turn off all the lights
Let the morning come
There’s green light in my eyes
And my lover on my mind
And I sing from the piano
Tear my yellow dress and
Cry and cry and cry
‘Cause your’re a hard soul to save
With an ocean in the way
But I’ll get around it
‘Cause your’re a hard soul to save
With an ocean in the way
But I’ll get around it
Now there’s green light in my eyes
And my lover on my mind
And I sing from the piano
Tear my yellow dress and
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you
(I can see the green light
I can see it in your eyes)
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you
I can see the green light
I can see it in your eyes
I think part of me is afraid to try to go back to sleep. I’m afraid to not have the phone in my hands and keep feeding myself the distraction… it’s too late at this point to try to take something to relax enough to sleep. I’m sure Dr C would be ok with me making it to a later appointment if I told her I needed to sleep, but maybe I can just sleep some during the day. That feels safer… (I know it’s safe to sleep now, but talking with her about the stuff has triggered the feeling that it’s again not safe to sleep at night).
My chest still hurts from the weight of what we talked about. It still feels like it might cave inwards…
Oh, misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers’ souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin’s sons
If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night
Calling out father oh
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
And if we should die tonight
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time
Calling out father oh
Prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky
Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
And I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me
Oh, should my people fall
Then surely I’ll do the same
Confined in mountain halls
We got too close to the flame
Calling out father oh
Hold fast and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky
Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me
And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns
Then my brothers will die
And as the sky is falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out
Now I see fire
Inside the mountains
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
I see fire (oh you know I saw a city burning out) (fire)
And I see fire (feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)
And I see fire (uh-uh-uh-uh) (fire)
And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side
I might redo the face tomorrow (have another idea for it), though I might not. I suppose I should keep the drawings as they are, and watch the progression/change as I get practice under my belt.
This one is definitely reflective of the mood of the day: distance, disconnect, attempts at grounding…
I finished this page up the other day. It didn’t really have an original direction, but it went through a bunch of layers before I settled on an ending.
It started as lyrics to a Flyleaf song (So I Thought), then was covered by some vintage papers… I colored over those in gelatos thinking they would be more translucent, but I ultimately liked the way the colors spread, so I kept them. I still wanted some of the paper peeking through, so I used stencils and wiped away some of the gelato through the stencil…
I wasn’t sure what to do next, though I thought I would try maybe some zentangle-style things. I quickly remembered I kinda suck at the zentangle style though, so I went digging for other things. I found a print-out of the lyrics to Ani Difranco’s Studying Stones. I did an image transfer of that onto the b/g… then I went searching for reference photos of balancing stones (I had a specific picture in mind, but could not find it). Along the way, I stumbled upon a pic of stones that looked kinda like a little stone person, so I used that as a reference instead. More gelatos. I also added the phrase “you are magical” as I had seen it on one of my social media feeds and thought it would work for this piece (I know it was meant as an inspirational phrase, to mean that the reader is magical, but I also liked the concept of the little stone person believing the stones are magical in their own right: being unaffected by life, and simply being stones – as the lyrics to the Ani song describe).
Anyway, here’s the final result (and a few more “progress” shots)
I would still like to do something with or of my interpretation of the flyleaf lyrics at some point. There are some lines in that song which I can really relate to…
I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak
I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep…
And I guess it doesn’t matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after isn’t enough
And I swear I’m gonna cry
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough
And my blood won’t stick
To the confines of my veins
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away
And I wish to feel smaller under your hands
Though you seem satisfied
As you slip mine down your pants
And I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
As you lift up my shirt after asking politely
And I guess it doesn’t matter what I am or pretend to be
‘Cause it’s her you’ll always love and it’s her I’ll always envy
I want to end this now so dreams of you won’t keep me up
But I swear I’m gonna cry
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough
And my blood won’t stick
To the confines of my veins
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away
And it’s hard to find
What I want
When it’s buried beneath the biggest rock
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I’m not sure you’d cooperate
Not sure you’d come clean
And I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak
And I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep…
And I guess it doesn’t matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn’t enough
And I swear I’m gonna cry
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough
Yeah, I swear I’m gonna cry
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough
And my blood won’t stick
To the confines of my veins
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away
[Chorus: Ellie Goulding (x4)]
Part time love is the life round here
We’re never done
Everything feels like touchdown on a rainy day
[Verse 1: Ellie Goulding]
Now we’re at square one
And we wait too long
Til’ we’re at square one
[Chorus: Ellie Goulding (x2)]
[Verse 2: Angel Haze]
I wonder how you’d feel if you were lost in my mind
Since you barely understand my thoughts sometimes
Little bit of depth and a little bit of God
Cause I swear that I be livin’ in the dark sometimes
And it sets in here, nobody gets let in
‘Til I let my emotions out on every single page and instrumental I’m left with
Shit, I wonder, will I ever really feel shit?
And if it all takes time and I ask why, will time eventually reveal this?
Cause… the remedy, I’m searchin’ for the remedy
Cause I’m fucked up and my heart’s just another ghost of my memory
Knock real hard on real real wood
Things still feel bad when they real real good
And my brain just a vessel and the knowledge suppose to heal
But the more you fuckin’ know, less things feel real
Less things feel real, and the time shifts
And my mind shifts and ain’t really anyone or anything I can really vibe with
Cause… I’m searchin’, but I’m terrified
And by the time I find what I’m lookin’ for, I’ll be dead inside
[Outro: Angel Haze (Ellie Goulding)]
Cause part time love is the life round here
We’re never done
(We’re never done)
Wow that was triggering. Not only did the staff not have it together (no one knew why I was there or where to send me), but it’s on the second floor of a locked psych hospital. I needed to be buzzed in the front door, leave my belongings, buzzed in through another set of doors, buzzed up the stairs… it was worse on the way out. There were 5 locked doors to get through that way.
Over the phone I was told it would be a 2-hour appointment: first filling out intake paperwork, then a meeting with the program director. When I got there, I learned they expected me to stay the whole first day. I mentioned that I needed to go after 2 hours because that was all I had alloted per the phone conversation last week. It was also all the time I paid for at the parking lot…
There was a ton of miscommunication and misunderstanding before I even set foot in the door. The groups were rowdy and loud (a huge trigger when I’m already anxious), and everyone spoke over everyone else. Oh, and the only bathroom was a single occupancy room with entries from both group rooms. I hate going to the bathroom anyplace but home. It makes me very anxious. Having people know and hear me pee? Even worse…
I was so glad to be able to get out. There is no way in hell I’m returning there. I left 2 hours ago and still am trying to center & calm myself. I keep looking around the house to remind myself I’m home.
I left TM a quite panicked message upon leaving, begging her to tell me I never had to go back…
I think I need to call them. I will tell them I changed my mind, and ask them to shred my paperwork… the move should be enough of a distraction at this point (I hope). And I won’t bug TM after tomorrow either. She shouldn’t have to put up with me just because this IOP was more triggering than therapeutic…
I have this song on my iPod. The part about taking all you can take drew me in when it played the other day. I hadn’t really paid attention to the rest of the lyrics so I looked them up… “Don’t believe in anyone” is another one that resonates though it shouldn’t.
Your heart is carved in stone
And apathy flows in your veins
When flesh falls from the bone
You’ve taken all you can take
You can take
All you can take
You can take
Don’t believe in anyone
‘Cause they’ll feel you so much more
Deep inside the venom is burning
Love her
When stink fades into smell
The liquor has washed you away
When face cracks into smile
You’ve taken all you can take
You can take
All you can take
You can take
Don’t believe in anyone
‘Cause they’ll feel you so much more
Deep inside the venom is burning
Love her
You can’t take
I’ll give in
You can’t break
What’s broken
Your mistake
I’ll rest my body in the ground
Don’t believe in anyone
‘Cause they’ll feel you so much more
Deep inside the venom is burning
Love her
Don’t believe in anyone
‘Cause the day that you were born
Can’t deny the enemy’s taken over
I was all about avoiding stuff yesterday. To that end, I played a bunch with my art journal. It doesn’t look like much progress, but lots of time was spent organizing my supplies because, well, avoidance.
I finally got around to making use of the little buckle findings from the Tim Holtz line (had gotten an “as is” pack several months ago and meant to make a closure for my first art journal, but that didn’t materialize). Anyway while catching up on Arrow and a Sleepy Hollow, I did the buckles:
I also worked on the tiger wing page more. The writing is excerpts from lyrics to Faith Hill’s “if you’re gonna fly away“. I changed two lines where she spoke of prayer to more accurately reflect me. “Has the sun gone down on you?/Have you given up on truth, oh?/I wish I could say all the right things/To make your pain go away/I wish you knew how beautiful/You are in every way/…So you’ll take a thousand pills/Hoping to be numb/Lie awake in bed/Counting all that’s wrong//No one understands/No one ever will/Trust me when I tell you/I know just how you feel…”
And finally, I added lyrics to the rose page from the other night. There’s a Tori Amos song called Blood Roses that fit the page pretty well… “Back on the street now/Can’t forget the things you never said/On days like these starts me thinking/…Now you’ve cut out the flute/From the throat of the loon/At least when you cry now/He can’t even hear you…”
Like I said, it doesn’t look like much progress, but it took me all day (probably because I couldn’t concentrate to stay on task for the life of me).
The depression is definitely still here. I was going to try to go to the beach today, but it took all my energy just to shower (which was a first in 5 days). I could have left the house, but I’m finding it harder and harder to do. The overwhelm of what it would take to get out of the house, coupled with the huge lack of reward, is making it seem nearly impossible. What’s the point trying?
I also find myself once again doubting these recent memories. If they really are accurate, how come I didn’t remember them before? Sure, they explain my intense anxiety around going to bed, and some other behavioral or cognitive things, but… memory can be unreliable. It could all just be something I’m fabricating in order to make sense of those symptoms that make no sense. The visceral reactions to certain triggers may just be a learned response. If they are false, no restructuring needs to happen around my understanding of life. If they are false, then it was all just for attention… If they are true, the world changes. I’m not sure which I prefer: am I narcissistic and unable to survive without a sob story, or did yet more really crappy stuff happen in my life that will change my understanding of childhood? Can I pick neither?
I started this page a while ago (note the Jan 2015 date), but it was only a bg for a long time. A week or two ago I added the lyrics, but it still wasn’t finished. It needed something else. Finally, today I added the flowers. I’m not totally happy with it, but I’m ok with it…
Anyway, Here’s the page. The lyrics are from Kat Dahlia’s “Mirror” – I wear my heart on my sleeve/Don’t act like that’s a disease/Need y’all to bear with me please/I just say what I see/We all just chasing a dream/In the land of the free/While we paying a fee/To stay on this concrete/Well, I don’t know the price of your roof/But the first of the month we all pay our dues/When the rain falls it don’t rain on a few/When the sun shine it don’t shine just on you//I don’t know the monsters you knew/But I’m trying to forget the ones I met too/Baby, you could help me/Baby, I could help you//You look at me and you see what I see/Because you’re looking in the mirror/When you’re with me there’s no use in hiding/Because you’re looking in the mirror/Baby, baby, baby, don’t look away/Because you’re looking in the mirror/’Cause maybe, maybe, maybe we’re just the same/Because you’re looking in the mirror//We’re all crossing paths/For a reason I know that/Hoping just to share some laughs/Avoid the broken glass/Have I met you in the past/In a life that I lived last/You know they go too fast/God knows they go too fast//Well, I don’t know the monsters you knew/But I’m trying to forget the ones I met too/Baby you could help me/Baby I’m a help you//You look at me and you see what I see/Because you’re looking in the mirror/When you’re with me there’s no use in hiding/Because you’re looking in the mirror/Baby, baby, baby, don’t look away/Because you’re looking in the mirror/’Cause maybe, maybe, maybe we’re just the same/Because you’re looking in the mirror//Baby, baby/Baby, baby/It’s the same pain/And when I wake/I hear the same wave/Of sirens coming down my way/And I’ll never try to leave you/Baby, you’re the one I cling to/Baby, don’t look away/Baby, don’t look away/I am you.
I finally looked up the lyrics to this song. I had first heard it several months ago, and really liked some of the words. Last night in the car, it came on my ipod, and I listened harder this time. Pretty much the whole song spoke to me…
Crash by Esthero
Crash down on the floor, hold your breath and fall apart.
You made a simple mistake and now you’re paying for it with your heart.
Some of us make our own beds, we can’t afford to lay in them.
Remember I always have said you should leave me alone.
‘cause I don’t wanna crash, now I’m afraid
That I’m going nowhere way too fast.
And I can’t hear what you say, I’m in a conversation with my past.
And maybe it wasn’t the brave so much as brazen but it got me through.
And somehow the path that I’ve paved just keeps leading me to you.
But I don’t wanna crash now,
Don’t wanna crash now.
I should have never been afraid to lay you down,
I just wanna hold you in my arms again.
If only for a moment I could have you here.
Lady, I would never let you go.
‘cause I don’t wanna crash now,
I don’t wanna crash now.
Come on in the sun,
When you’re scared, you can face it down.
‘cause here I am, you are not alone.
Keep facing the sun, you’ll reach it one day,
Blame it on the back ‘till you can watch with me
And you mean to be free.
And when the sun goes down, there’s still tomorrow,
Don’t you be afraid to let your sorrow breathe.
Your strength is all you need.
Did you ever know you were the one?
‘cause I can hardly even tell.
saw this posted elsewhere tonight… don’t think I’ve heard it before, but the lyrics are good… (definitely like the lyrics better than the song)…
Could you let down your hair
Be transparent for a while, just a little while
To see if you’re human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
We’ve got it all figured out
Well let me be the first to say that I don’t have a clue
I don’t have all the answers
Ain’t gonna to pretend like I do
Just trying
To find my way
Trying
To find my way the best I know how
Well I haven’t memorized all of the cute things to say
But I’m working on it
Maybe I’ll master this art form someday
If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Would you believe
That I fully understand all these things I’ve read
I’m just trying
To find my way
Trying
To find my way
Trying
To find my way the best that I know how
Well I haven’t got it all figured out quite yet but
Even if it takes my whole life to get to where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I’ll be one step back to you, and
This song had me laughing! I know it’s not supposed to be funny, but … well, guess I’m a little crazy 😉
Also check out the blog “Dearest Someone”, just found it tonight and I like it a lot.
Music is a big thing for me – it influences me a lot, down to the point where it affects the way I think, and I can listen to music when I’m in any type of mood. When I was first diagnosed with PTSD I started using Spotify to create playlists – notably one called ‘Lightbulb’ in which I added songs that pretty much summed up how I felt, or helped make me view things from a different perspective.
Nowadays I still listen to Spotify on a daily basis – but I’ve started listening to the playlists made by others. Listening to one of the playlists that includes all the latest hits I stumbled across this song:
(It does include a lot of swearing so be cautious.)
Bebe Rexha – I’m Gunna Show You Crazy
The thing is I know there’s a lot of swearing etc. but the lyrics really…
I realized earlier today I forgot to post the journal class project… didn’t end up doing what I had intended, but it’s OK. The art has a life of its own. It’s not totally finished, but this is as far as I got (and I’m not sure what else it needs)…
I was originally going to do “my 5 strengths” but I ended up putting the guy in the corner. It felt appropriate to flick him off the page. Then I accidentally smudged it, and it looked like he was being rained on from the umbrella… I guess he represents the things I need to get rid of this year (or try to: depression, hopelessness, fear, ptsd, self harm, suicidal ideation, flashbacks)… still unsure what else to put in this piece, but it’s got meaning (and again the darkest subject matter in class). Whatever, right?
Two nights ago, I finished this piece. The background was done one night, the words two nights later… more lyrics that mean something (words fail you by Kris Delmhorst)… words often fail me, but images can be more reliable.
It also did not turn out exactly how I had intended, but close enough. I may add to it at some point, but I’m not sure I want to. The original layer is torn pages from APA’S journal of psychotherapy. Fitting that words and neat categories are covered by the darkness. Sometimes there are highlights, but the tiles holding the words are falling… because words fail sometimes.
Heard Kat Dahlia‘s “gangsta” again on a show tonight. I know I had noted liking her music when I heard it somewhere else, but I had lost the Shazam tag before I could find the song. Got it again tonight and proceeded to download the song. I guess her album is not available in the us till Tuesday… I like what I’ve heard so far. I’ll probably get the album when it comes out. She kinda reminds me of a cross between Angel Haze and Kat Von Dee… and she used a rainstorm in this song… worth checking out.
So, the skull turned into a journal… actually finished it that night, but never got around to posting it… I’m just frustrated that the white on the skull turned gray after applying fixative. Oh well.
Cruel and Clumsy by Chris Pureka
You’ve been low,
you’ve been thinking about the last time,
but I know
there’s still a window that leads outside…
Sweet air through the summer screen,
tall grass and warm stones,
where are you today?
’cause you’re missing it all…
You were twisting the lens,
but it never stayed in focus,
so you laid on your bed,
and just lost track of the seasons…
And now you know the feel of cold steel to temple
and you know the feel of razor to wrist
and you’re lost in a room
that rocks back and forth like a ship deck…
Sweet air through the summer screen,
tall grass and warm stones,
where are you today?
’cause you’re missing it all…
But we never explain
why we treasure our secrets,
how we’re in love with our sadness sometimes…
But you wanted something you saw in the sunset,
so don’t you leave her ’til you know what it is
and let’s turn to the west
and let’s turn up the music
and let’s hope it’s always as good as this…
Life is cruel and it’s clumsy
(but we never explain)
I wish I could say that it’s better than that
(why we treasure our secrets)
but this is our time
(how we’re in love with our sadness sometimes)
this is all that we have ’til we turn out the lights…
Life is cruel and it’s clumsy save its very best moments
(but we never explain)
I wish I could say that it’s better than that
(why we treasure our secrets)
but this our time
(how we’re in love with our sadness sometimes)
this is all that we have ’til we turn out the lights…
I’ll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I’ll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won’t judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I’ll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you’ll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I’ll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I’ll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
I bet you’re wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you’re wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced your way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I’ll lose you and I’ll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I’ll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I’ll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I’ll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
so, I cringe at religion, but these stupid-ass christian songs tend to have great messages of love… grr. (you have no idea how much this bothers me. it’s at once triggering and comforting: the lyrics are comforting, the belief behind the song is triggering). but I know I’ve heard this song before and liked it before I knew it was some stupid christian rock stuff (I have the same inner conflict with Plumb, Lifehouse, Creed… it’s all really relatable while being triggering)…
anyway, the song is good, so I wanted to share it…
Recently got my hands on 2 Ellie Goulding albums and I must say I am in love with Halcyon Days!!! I think there are about 7 or so tracks that I absolutely can’t stop listening to. At the moment, I’m loving on Explosions. “on the day you wake up/Needing somebody and you’ve learned/It’s okay to be afraid/But it will never be the same/It will never be the same//You left my soul bleeding in the dark/…/And I’ve lost my faith in everything”… the tone of it matches my mood today (though I am interpreting it to be about her leaving due to domestic violence now that I read the lyrics. eh, whatever. the way she sings it still very much fits my mood right now)…
I’m also really loving Dead in the Water (apparently from the Divergent soundtrack)
and How Long Will I Love You
I see TL tomorrow. Still thinking I want it to be our last session… I’m finding I’m obsessing way too much about it/her so best to just walk away. I do that when I’m about to lose someone out of my life, I need a stranglehold on them before they slip away, and it’s never been a healthy thing. So I’ll take the painting (which today I am concluding it stupid and I hate it, though I may feel different tomorrow about it) and give it to her and tell her it needs to be the last session, and can we talk about whether or not I will be seeing someone at the agency (and hopefully not have to switch again) after her. I know she had said that was the plan, but it doesn’t feel like it right now. And I’m not sure I want to go through this again (I know, I say this every time). It just sucks to learn to trust someone only to know that you have to figure it out again with someone else down the line. Also, I had visited with Dr. C for a bit while up north. She will be retiring in the coming year, so unless I get back up there soon, I will be looking for yet another new therapist. It’s an exhausting process. I just don’t want to keep doing it… (though at the same time, know the neediness is worse when I don’t have that support)… I don’t know. I wonder what the point of it all is sometimes. Why bother trying to trust someone with the heaviness if I never do get around to talking about the really heavy stuff before I have to switch again and start it all over again. I’m tired. I’m spent on building trust and trying to figure things out every few months. I’m tired of finally getting to a comfort point of being able to bring up the ickier stuff only to find out that the person is leaving and all that vulnerability was for nothing…
Explosions
You trembled like you’d seen a ghost/And I gave in/I lacked the things you need the most,/You said where have you been?//You wasted all that sweetness to run and hide/I wonder why/I remind you of the days you poured your heart into/But you never tried//I’ve fallen from grace/Took a blow to my face/I’ve loved and I’ve lost/I’ve loved and I’ve lost//Explosions…on the day you wake up/Needing somebody and you’ve learned/It’s okay to be afraid/But it will never be the same/It will never be the same//You left my soul bleeding in the dark/So you could be king/The rules you set are still untold to me/And I’ve lost my faith in everything//The nights you could cope,/Your intentions were gold/But the mountains will shake/I need to know I can still make//Explosions…on the day you wake up/Needing somebody and you’ve learned/It’s okay to be afraid/But it will never be the same//And as the floods move in/And your body starts to sink/I was the last thing on your mind/I know you better than you think/’Cause it’s simple darling, I gave you warning/Now everything you own is falling from the sky in pieces/So watch them fall with you, in slow motion/I pray that you’ll find peace of mind/And I’ll find you another time/I’ll love you, another time//Explosions…on the day you wake up/Needing somebody and you’ve learned/It’s okay to be afraid/But it will never be the same.
Heard this on Criminal Minds and the lyrics grabbed my attention… (still can’t pay total attention to an episode, but if I multitask enough, I can get the gist of the episode… this song is from the same episode as the quote – s7e24 “run”)…
As It Seems – Lily Kershaw
Well I knew
What I didn’t want to know
And I saw
Where I didn’t want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I’ll let my stories be whispered
When I’m gone…
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin’
You’ll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems…
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin’ at all
But the release that comes when you’re
In mid fall…
In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall
Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin’
You’ll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems…
both sides of the wall 