Monthly Archives: February 2013

I guess I have a few choices…

I awoke with a bit more clarity this morning (I’m back on the analytical side of the wall). I have a few options to get through this crap: 1) I could keep reaching out and trying to say what it is I need until I get it right and I actually get it;  2) I could give in and fall apart with a slight measure of control so I don’t do it totally out of control,  or 3) I could suck it up and force the pieces back together in whatever way I can so I stay “together” as long as possible in hopes that Medicaid (Medicare?) comes through before I completely lose it…  

Maybe this is all so I’m forced to build up a support network down here…? A way to get through things without relying on professionals as much as I do.  The thing is,  I’ve relied on myself so much growing up,  it took years to learn to trust anyone else to help keep me safe… now to have to learn to do it all myself again seems like a step backwards. 
I am learning to rely on my wife more though.  I’m learning to let her in little by little,  but I don’t want her to be the main support. She has a lot on her plate also, and she needs to be able to take care of that too.  I help as best I can,  but I feel so wrapped up in myself most of the time that I know I’m not a very good resource. 

I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when D acknowledged that the self injury was my only coping method for so long,  it is hard to learn to replace… it was nice to hear someone say that childhood/early learning is more difficult to change – its more deeply written in our psyches than later learning.  I know Dr C seemed to understand it,  but never really said it. I’m glad D did. 

So back on the topic of my choices; I’m not sure what to follow through on.   Even if I do a “controlled burn” so to speak, I can’t until after Saturday (huge volunteer commitment I would feel utterly guilty for missing,  even if it means my mental health may suffer. Tho it may just help me make it through this period). The waves of feeling terrible come and go,  but mostly it feels like a stagnant pool of hopelessness. It really sucks… but maybe if I can make it through the weekend,  I am then that much closer to next Wednesday,  where I have hope of making that session better… of getting farther with it… is it worth it?

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let-downs

I’m not 100% sure what I was hoping would happen today in therapy, but whatever it was did not happen.  I left feeling just as lost and frantic as when I had entered… I keep trying to tell myself that similar feelings popped up with Dr. C when I first started seeing her, but it’s of little comfort… ugh…

I need something but I have no real idea what.  I know what I want, but not what I need. How do you reconcile that with yourself?  How do you get both satisfied, if you don’t really know what part of it is?


collaging

followed through on what I had wanted to try yesterday: art. I collaged a lot while listening to music… Now I just have to be able to explain them to D when I see him… not sure I want him to see them all, but will try to show at least one. I showed my wife a “safe” one that, while still hitting very close to how I feel right now, was on stuff that’s easier to talk about…
If I remember, I may post one here… though I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you…


“Erasing Death”

The Today Show had a piece just now on death,  the afterlife,  and a doctor who feels that we are on the cusp of figuring out how to reverse death.  My mom commented that those people who have supposedly had a near-death experience seem to not fear death.  Though I have never had one, I do not fear death.  I also would not want to be brought back from death… while I do not believe in the catholic version of the heaven,  I do believe that we must transcend this life to get to the next (more closely aligned with the Hindu idea of reincarnation,  but not quite that either). I believe that we live non-linear in time outside of this life.  Our souls (for lack of a better term) drift along the lines and select a life to live out.  we gain experiences, then move on to the next one.  We remember snippets of this learning in this life,  but overall I think it is mostly reserved for our understanding outside of corporeal existence.  so if I’m moving back to that state,  please leave me to do it… don’t bring me back from death.  I’m done here…
This has no real bearing on the suicide issue other than if I’m dead, leave me be. Whatever the reason or path to death, once it is achieved,  don’t try to “save” me.  My beliefs mean that death is another step in evolution… please respect that.


Questions

How do you make something safe that is inherently dark and dangerous? And how do you bring it up?  How do you make that even a topic of discussion?

My darkness is creeping in again. Samantha Jane is peering at me around a corner. I think I realized she is my protector, as weird as that sounds. She is that scared little girl who only comes out of hiding when she is worried… definitely need to talk to either D or Dr C about this :/ Wednesday is not coming soon enough…


frozen in myself

I’m lost.  I don’t know what to do.  My normal avenues of release (positive and negative) are blocked.  I can’t figure out what it is that I need to do to release this in a healthy way.  I want to draw or collage, but it feels like a monumental task just to gather everything… and then there will be questions to explain it, but I don’t know if I have the energy to do all that… and the doubts that it will actually work swim through my thoughts, kicking at the images I want to capture.  Doubt and perfectionism is a wonderful de-motivator…


I wish I knew

I wish I knew what to say (and how) to get whatever it is that I need… I reach out in all the wrong ways.  Even after a lifetime of this struggle, I still don’t know how to articulate what I need to in an effective manner…  It feels like my learning stopped the day I first felt hurt like that… the words don’t come. Not even pictures of what would help form in my mind (at least nothing healthy).  How do you learn to speak what is unspeakable?  How do you breach that gap in cognition and emotion?  How do you figure out what it is you need to say that gets you the help you need?  What if there is nothing like what you are searching for?  What if the vague idea coalescing in your head has no corporeal existence, so no one knows what you mean when you actually do say it?  What do you do when the only words you’ve learned to ask with portray the wrong picture?  They do no justice to what it is you truly need… so you say you don’t know what you need, because there are no words to convey it effectively… and sometimes you really don’t know. They are just ideas and instincts you go on, because you have learned to follow your instincts of late… but no one believes you know what you need.  You have said you don’ know so many times… Only maybe you know what you don’t need this time around…

It would be easier if I had a traditional addictions problem.  I could go to meetings and find sponsors and have support from those who have experienced similar beasts… but my only outside option like that is to go to a 12-step meeting where they focus on God (any God really, but the word and the concept are huge triggers for me)… oh, and there’s DBT, which is also a huge trigger for me.  But when I tell them this as they recommend it for the millionth time, they simply stare (listen) puzzled, after all, how can DBT or AA not work for someone?!

D, If I reach out to the resources you gave me, will they know how to respond? You told me to try again until I found someone who understood… Do you know how hard it is for me to talk to anyone about any of this, let alone multiple people?? I told you I called and hung up 4 times before I found the courage to acknowledge the greeting? Did you understand that I was trying to tell you how incredibly hard and painful and scary it was to reach out so strangers like that, just to get someone who did not hear a thing I said after the first 5 words?  Sometimes I feel like you get lost too after my first few words, just like the woman on the phone.  You don’t really know what to do, so you focus on that tiny shred of information, because the rest is too scary to see… I’m sorry scare you.

I wish there was a video tutorial on how to communicate when you have no clue what to do…