Tag Archives: cry

finished that art journal page…

I started it about 2 weeks ago…

I ended up using the map pieces that were triggering. I kinda covered them a bit with semi-translucent tissue paper. It’s far from where that side of the page was supposed to go, but it’s miles above where it started.

 

 

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Um…?!

I’m minding my own business, working away in this piece for TM, and out of nowhere really intense body memories hit with a flood of emotion. Wtf?!

I suddenly want to scream and cry and rip up the piece. I want to break every brush and pencil and art supply in sight… I want to smash everything to pieces, including my body.

What the hell? Where did this come from? Why was there no warning? There’s usually a build-up and hints that this is coming…


More art journaling

Kinda drowning, so hey, why not do more art?

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The writing is lyrics to Fall From Grace by Sarah McLachlan (b-side to Full of Grace)…

It started as a journal entry, but I didn’t want the writing in this book, so I covered it with a drawing of eyes. Then I added background with my water-soluble crayons and washed everything over with water. I tried to draw a skull, but failed miserably, so I painted over it. I thought the black blob looked like half a heart, so I added the other half. I thought it needed more, so I painted the heart over with bronze, which re-wet the black. I added the ink drops, but it still needed more. I added more watercolor crayon. Still plain. Dug around Sarah songs till I found the one with the right emotion behind it. I’m frustrated that I can’t find the actual song in my library, because I know I had it at one point (along with I Will Not Forget You, which I love but also cannot find)… Anyway. Lyrics were added. I tried to highlight the lyrics that conveyed today’s emotions, but that didn’t work out so well. Wiped off the watercolors and sealed one last time with matte medium. :shrugs: I know you don’t care about the process, but I didn’t want to explain all the emotion in the piece, so you got process instead.

I’m spent. And so tired. And TL’s voice mail is still full. And it’s only Wednesday (aka: Saturday is still far away)… the flashbacks and their implications have taken a huge toll on me. I’m trying to keep my head above water, but it’s hard… wasted money we don’t have on something that made me feel better, but now I just feel guilty about it (and yet I want more because it was an incredible high, not simply the release I get from other stuff… no, not substances).

I feel like crying, but the tears would somehow mean that I’m accepting the flashbacks as true and accurate. I’m not sure I’m ready to do that just yet. I really wish I could talk to TL. I feel so small over this; so vulnerable and shaken… and I’m so tired…

Fall From Grace by Sarah McLachlan

the winter here’s cold, and bitter
it’s chilled us to the bone
i haven’t seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home
i feel just like i’m sinking
and I claw for solid ground
i’m pulled down by the undertow
i never thought I can feel so low
but oh darkness I feel like letting go

but all of the strength all of the courage
couldn’t lift me from this place
i know I can love you much better than this
i fall from grace
fall from grace

it’s better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more

its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
i’m pulled down by the undertow
i never thought I can feel so low
but oh darkness I feel like letting go

but all of the strength
all of the courage
couldn’t lift me from this place
together we crumble and stumble and fall
i fall from grace
fall from grace

i know I can love you much better than this
so it’s better this way


RIP Twiggy…

Yesterday she took a turn for the worse.  It was decided that she’s just suffering needlessly, and we can’t do anything to make her better at this point. Mom took her this morning… this was the first time in my life I chose not to go. The humane society doesn’t let you be with your pet when they euthanize them, so what would the point have been other than torturing myself? I cuddled her before she left, and told her I loved her… and I cried.

She was the third pet to go this week. Every 2 days… :(…

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Holding my breath

Today will be our last session with J. I’m not looking forward to it (neither is L). The week has been emotional hell. One of the dogs is pretty sick. Yesterday she fell from the bed and popped some joints out of place. The vet was moving them around and they seemed to go back into place because she was able to walk much better after the exam. It was really scary for a few hours though, because she kept falling over and walking in circles. She is doing much better today. I hope it keeps up.

The whole J thing… Ugh. I just don’t know. I had wanted to write her a thank you letter or something, but the words are not coming. The walls are up, so the feelings have been quarantined. I know I’ll regret it if I don’t say a proper goodbye though (I always do). Inside I’m heartbroken for so many reasons. I’ve locked it away. I don’t know exactly how to access it anymore to make this goodbye meaningful. It sucks. Can I crawl back into bed for the rest of the week (…month, year, life…)?


Sadness

So, De was right. There’s a ton of grief over this whole thing. After the tag sale today (and my short nap following it) I woke up feeling lost. I had spent the last 3 days frantically occupying myself with the logistics of the garage sale. I woke from my nap without purpose or distraction. There was an overwhelming urge to cry uncontrollably, hysterically, and wholeheartedly. I didn’t let myself though. The last time I felt this urgent a need to cry, I was hysterical for over eight hours. I ended up calling a crisis line then being involuntarily committed to a psych unit. I’m in no mood to go through that again, especially in this state with such poor mental health care.
We tried to find someone to go out with as a distraction (L is the only person I consider safe enough to cry in front of, so I would end up crying wherever we went out). None of our friends were available today (or this weekend)… we ended up just going to buy food and drink. Eventually, the hunt for my preferred beverage managed to distract me from the pending tears.  They didn’t come today, but I’m sure they will soon enough… I hate crying. I hate that tears this loaded don’t seem to end. It doesn’t help that I have my monthly mood swing.


going. going. going.

just keep going.  if I don’t stop, I don’t think about the chaos that will likely happen in a few weeks.  Setting up a garage sale, sorting through 20+ years of household junk… just keep going and forget the impossibility of the coming move across country with zero money, the lack of living space to land at, the need to re-home so many animals… just keep going and don’t fall apart into a blubbering mess.  yeah… just go.  and maybe medicate for sleep.  but not too much because I have to be at the shop for the tint guy to remove the films from the 4 doors on the car so it will be legal in the new state.  Going to take some cash so I can at least tip the guy for the free work he will be doing…

then there’s couple’s therapy tomorrow.  I’m pretty sure I will cry then because there is no choice about sitting down to talk there… and I may be a tad pissed at her because she is safe to be pissed at right now.  if I were to get pissed at myself for my lack of planning, well, I don’t have the best emergency coping skills on the planet (or anywhere)…