Tag Archives: need help

crying

woke up crying today. it’s lasted all day. crying at the slightest thing.

the depression is harming others now too. killed one of my snakes without meaning to. didn’t check on her enough. missed signs that something was wrong. found her dead today. she’s always been a difficult feeder (refused food for the first 9 months I had her. she’d also regularly miss 3 or 4 feedings in a row) so I didn’t really think too much of it that she refused food the last 2 times… should have realized something was wrong this time. hadn’t been weighing her, so didn’t notice she was losing weight… so I put out feelers to two people about possibly taking on most of the snakes and the rest of the lizards. they deserve better. and I hope that having only 4 will be easier than the (now) 9… ūüė¶

if i still feel like this tomorrow, i will call TL and ask for another session this week (and hope I can hold it together for my trip coming up)…

supposed to get creative with the journal class teacher tomorrow. hoping I can at least fake it to get to her house and get some art time in. can fall apart again when I get home, but need to keep faking it for that. TL wants me to keep making plans and sticking to them. already let one friend down this weekend…

not sure why the depression hits so hard in the fall/winter lately. hate it. though maybe it always has and I just can’t remember… my memory is not the most reliable thing…

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Therapy today

I saw De this afternoon,¬† and it was a good session. I was able to talk about some stuff (well, acknowledge some stuff, we didn’t talk in-depth about too much). I was able to tell her that I was having trouble with writing my story as hers, and that I thought I needed to talk more about my story. She confirmed that it wasn’t the same story. She was really gentle about it, and I’m really glad she didn’t make me feel like an ass for admitting that I felt like I burnt her out. She talked about the turn-over rate at the agency, and how long she had been there. She reassured me I was not the reason she was leaving, but that the cumulative effect of working there for the last handful of years has taken its toll. We compared notes on burn-out rates for various concentrations in the field. I noticed again the weight was gone from her. I told her I thought it would be a good idea for me to find another therapist for the gap between our termination and my move. She agreed. We brainstormed a few ideas, and she asked how likely I was to be able to make some calls between today and Friday. We agreed that proactive is good, and that what I’m looking for is pretty restrictive in terms of choices (someone who either can take my useless state insurance, or someone who has a sliding scale; someone without a huge waiting list; someone who can be consistent through the time I move; someone with more availability than once a week). She brought up the idea of a php again, which I would totally be open to,¬† but I don’t qualify for either of the two that take my insurance. We even contemplated me lying about taking meds just so I could get the support I need.¬† She said she will think more about it, but that maybe we can create a “php-type” structure that involved frequent contact with a professional, but also gave me some structure. I hope we can come up with something. I know that type of stuff helps me a lot.
The session was over before I knew it. There’s still a lot weighing on me, but at least this one felt productive on more than one front. I see her again on Friday.¬† On the way home,¬† I placed the two requests for information she had asked me to make. Now it’s just a matter of hearing back from them… I would feel better knowing I’m not totally on my own when we are done.
Changes are hard.¬† Goodbyes are really hard, and loss feels like an enormous black hole in my heart…¬† I wish I knew how to work through it.¬† I guess that’ll be a topic for another therapist…


Yesterday was ok

I had a distraction. It made things a bit easier to get through. But insomnia and no distractions right now are making the morning very difficult. I had fallen asleep by 8 pm last night, which had me awake by 2 am (hey look,¬† 6 hours. That’s the most I’ve gotten recently), and I can’t fall back asleep. I tried for over an hour before I gave in and started my music back up. Damien Rice’s “9 Crimes” is on incessant repeat right now (has been for the last 2 days). I’m trying to figure out what about it is speaking to me at the moment,¬† and I think I’ve settled on the way his voice (and Lisa Hannigan’s) sounds. There’s something about the way they sing it together that hits right. The lyrics partially fit, though I hadn’t really been paying attention to them, more just the emotion in the voices and the notes they hit. It just works… Hell, it wasn’t until about 30 minutes ago that I actually listened to the first stanza enough to realize I could relate to it completely (Leave me out with the waste/This is not what I do/It’s the wrong kind of place/To be thinking of you//It’s the wrong time/For somebody new/It’s a small crime/And I got no excuse). Before that, I was lost in trying to figure out what he means by the chorus of “And is that alright? Yeah/Give my gun away when it’s loaded/That alright? Yeah/If you don’t shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?” I’m still not sure I understand it,¬† but it plays through my head…

I feel a bit like a cockroach being stepped on after being sprayed with everything under the sun, and smacked with a rolled up newspaper before that. I feel like no one (in mental health) wants anything to do with me because of their prejudices towards my symptoms. For the most part, they don’t want to see beyond the surface to talk about what’s underneath that. If there are a few brave people who don’t automatically squish me, they eventually get grossed out and want nothing to do with me in the long run. I’m too much. I grate on their nerves. I’m too stupid. I never learn. I simply keep falling back to old patterns when things get overwhelming. They get frustrated and burnt out, and I’m left figuring things out on my own again. I feel like the spider who gets killed because she’s a spider, doing spider things. They forget that I’m just doing what I know to get through the day. They want to heard me into a jar so I can’t bite them or touch them, but I never wanted to do that in the first place. I just got scared and was trying to ward off the scariness… I get overwhelmed because the emotions and the memories are overwhelming. I try my best to do “acceptable” and “healthy” things to gain balance, but when that doesn’t work, the “unhealthy” peeks through. I get super needy and stupid and helpless. I revert to little kid (admittedly, a stubborn little kid) because it’s the path of least resistance in my head.¬† Eventually I run out of energy trying to change things, so I rely on someone else to hold my hand through it. Only that’s when they want to squish me, because I’m now annoying and draining and ever-so-frustrating… so I’m moved on, and everyone sees this tantruming little kid who resides in adult body, and they say “No”. They say I’m hopeless and I’ll never amount to anything.¬† And I’m beginning to think they are right.¬† I think this change crap is too hard.¬† I think I’m out of energy for trying… I think they are right…

I’m so overwhelmed with everything right now. I have moments of being ok, but… I put on a happy face because I need to make people feel better about me.¬† I need them to not keep confirming that everything I think about myself is true. I need to try to hope that everything I believe about myself is, in fact, not true (as a few have said).¬† But then stress happens, and suddenly everything is true. Completely and shatteringly true…

I like the dark.¬† It’s comfortable. I don’t want sunrise to come, because it’s harder to hide in the daylight. The dark is soft and comfortable and home. I’m ok in the dark…


midnight ramblings

My stomach hurts (from an infection due to an antibiotic), my head hurts… and my heart hurts. ¬†And I can’t seem to alleviate any of it. ¬†The medicine doesn’t take away the stomach or head pain, and I don’t think there’s a medicine for the heartache (at least none that would be “healthy”). ¬†So I’m trying to drown it all out. ¬†I’m sitting here bingeing on Grey’s Anatomy hoping that their story will make me forget my own for a bit… It only works half-way.

Friday De asked me to help her help me figure stuff out. ¬†She said that she was willing to work on stuff, but I had to point her in the right direction. ¬†She wanted me to tell her what I need… Great, if only I knew. ¬†This all has eluded me for 2 decades, how the hell am I supposed to come up with insight now? I tried to express what I mean when I say I “get stupid” about things, but I don’t think I did a good job. ¬†What I mean when I say it is that I cannot apply any of my learning to myself, nor can I figure out a helpful strategy for any hypothetical client that may be going through any of what I am. I get lost and I don’t know how to help anyone else or myself. ¬†I’m at that stage now. ¬†I have no clue what else needs to happen to allow me to move on from things. ¬†The only thing I do know is that the flashbacks, unwanted memories, body memories, and nightmares don’t go away… I don’t know how to alleviate them or make them less of a problem. ¬†I just don’t know what to do next. ¬†She had said she could just ask me questions, but that it would not be helpful, more along the lines of torture. ¬†I can handle torture. ¬†I know what to do with that. ¬†I don’t know how to deal with all this though. ¬†I know how to run or numb or cut, but I don’t know how to simply move on. ¬†Apparently, neither does she. ¬†I tried to tell her that the time she sprung talking about Duckboy on me was good, but she doesn’t want to over-do that. ¬†I have no answers for her. ¬†I have no insight or ideas. ¬†I just don’t know what to do (if I did, I probably wouldn’t need as much of her help).

So what do you do?  How do you move on? What makes things like this better?


emotional chameleon

It’s finally rubbed off on me today, I am as angry/cranky as my mom was all day. ¬†I hate when I let her mood get to me, but some days it’s SO hard to keep her negativity at bay. ¬†This morning, it took her less than 15 minutes to start yelling at the dogs. ¬†She didn’t stop yelling at them (or something else, or nothing) except when she was out of the house briefly to do some shopping. ¬†She’s also really mean to them. ¬†I’m glad they don’t understand her words too well. ¬†She’s just cruel with some of the things she says, and I really don’t think she puts it together (how awfully mean she sounds)… Hearing it all day gets to me. ¬†It makes me feel worthless (because I’m sure she would say the same things to me if I were around to pester her), and it reinforces that even the smallest needs are a burden and huge inconvenience. ¬†She curses them when they want attention, or food, or to go outside. ¬†She ignores the puppy’s signals that he needs to go out to pee, then she blows up when he pees in the house. ¬†When I spend too much time around her like that, I absorb all her spewing negativity. ¬†I wish I knew how to turn that off…

I try hard not to be angry. ¬†I try to stifle it as best I can because I NEVER want to be my father (or my mother apparently). ¬†I never want to instill fear in people, or worthlessness, or shame, or any number of other things. ¬†When I catch myself angry, the self-deprecating tapes start. ¬†I know I should be challenging them, but I find little compassion for myself (and it’s really difficult to dig it up when I’m this moody). ¬†All I can think of is how awful I felt and feel when I am around people who seep anger. ¬†I feel bad about being one of those people, and I start to call myself stupid and worthless and hurtful and any number of other negative, hateful terms… It’s so hard to turn that off.

Have you ever noticed how some topics span different occasions? ¬†Writing about the negative tapes in my head, I was reminded that both De and J mentioned challenging those voices. ¬†J wants L & I to try to keep a tally of how many times we start being mean to ourselves. ¬†She also wants us to call each other out on it. ¬†De had said that I need to start changing what I tell myself with those voices. ¬†I know neither talked to the other, but both are on the same page. ¬†I guess it goes along with the topics we bring up in therapy. ¬†Apparently my negative self-talk (and L’s) was brought up in sessions this week (I think L even talked to her therapist about it)…

Another thing that comes up when I am angry is the urge to self-harm. ¬†It’s a release for it, and dissipates it faster than anything else. ¬†I know I can’t, but the urges are there…