I’m in that space where it’s difficult to find words. It’s a quiet shutting down. Everything just feels too heavy… pulling away. Isolating in the only way I can at the moment: going into myself and erecting huge walls (to keep things in, and to keep others out) because it’s all an overload.
I wish I could just stay home, but there’s work, and appointments, and plans with family & friends.
I was ok being social a bit at work for about 5 hours, then I was drained.
I’m so tired.
Worked on this page again today. Still trying to figure out what to do in the top left corner…
An artist friend suggested a nose, though at first I was thinking the lack of one is symbolic of how depression makes you feel like you can’t breathe. I dunno. It still needs something. The right side definitely needs work too, but that’s looking like a total overhaul. This side just needs *something*…
I have to admit though, I worked my butt off on those stupid strings sewing her mouth shut. I must have redone them at least 5 times. They look a bit better in the photograph than in real life, but I’m still pretty proud of them. I had originally planned to glue actual thread on there, but wanted a more 3-d look to her lips, so I painted them in… I’m sure they look amature to more experienced artists, but they’re the best I’ve done so far. I’m happy with how they turned out.
…why is it that we are shamed not only by those perpetrating the abuse, but also those that don’t want to bear witness to it? “Surviving” is so well-written in its brutal honesty… what happens to those of us who survive whatever degree of abuse we endure? We are labeled “impossible” and “worthless” by the system and by society that has made a choice to ignore the conditions of survival.
I really struggle with not being able to speak about what I endured. There is so much to the foundations of my shame. One phrase that always echos in my head is one my dad said often: “what happens in the family stays in the family” It screamed in my head as I was telling De about some things yesterday. His voice thundered in my memory as I was suddenly hiding under the bed again, terrified that he was coming into my room… The memory drowned out De’s voice. The memories to follow sent shudders through me, and yet I couldn’t tell De how loud my head was in the moment. I couldn’t give voice to the full-on virtual reality playing behind my eyes. I couldn’t even tell her I was lost in the memory. I noticed my mouth moving and speaking to her, but I was hiding under my bed again. G had just had a huge blow-out with mom, and I had run to hide. I tried to take the dog with me, but she stayed with mom… I don;t know how long I was hiding, but I do remember my brother coming into my room looking for me because the house was so quiet. I screamed and jumped when I saw his feet from under the bed, I thought he was G… I scared my poor brother. He had been at a friend’s house while hell broke out that night. He was spared. Mom got most of it… and the dog, she got a lot of it… G would kick her just because he could, because he was mad and needed to hurt the thing that everyone loved more than they loved him… and she just took it… :(…
Why is it that society underscores what our abusers tell us?
(With the way some of this stuff slams me, I do not know how my mom survived… I just watched my dad, but she was on the receiving end of so much more… I don’t know how it hasn’t crushed her. She has some incredible strength…)
So, De has been asking me if I have been thinking more about creating something for Sexual Assault Awareness Month coming up in April. It’s been tough trying to find something I want to show off (even though my name will not be anywhere on the piece). I’ve been throwing a few ideas around in my head, and none really “worked” until this one. The execution of it is a bit off though, so I will be re-doing the piece. It’s just the “practice” version of the image I will give to her to put up in their little display:
11) Shattered (preliminary)
I had wanted to do the background in a red chalk, but the one I used was not covering correctly. I tried to draw over it with the watercolor pencil, but it did not cover correctly over the chalk… There’s also some issues with the faces on both characters, so it’s just going to be a complete re-do. I really need to work on my coloring technique too. I wish I could figure it out better on my own, but I suck at it. I think my drawing skills are coming back with practice though. Overall, I’m happy with this piece, it’s just little things that are not working correctly. I think I will also stick to dry media for the coloring this time. Any time I use water or something wet, it really warps the drawing. If I had the correct paper for the watercolors things would look better.
I managed to sit for 5 minutes today (at L’s insistence and with the help of a timer). I could not stop my mind from racing and jumping and just generally running amuck to escape trying to be still. This lack of “stillness” is causing huge walls to barricade me from any progress in therapy. When I try to sit and just “rest” without thinking of a million and one things, my head resists, and I don’t end up with much effort put forth in changing that. I think I have grown lazy. I just don’t put much effort into anything anymore. I do what I want, when I want, and without much regard to anyone else. It’s messing with me & L, and I’m sure it’s messing with me & mom. I need to take a step back. I need to re-evaluate what I’m doing with my life. I need to step up and return to volunteering (at least it forced me to do something). I need to stop being so selfish and self-absorbed. And I need to stop running from myself. The world will not come tumbling down if I stop running from whatever it is I’m afraid of facing. I have supports, and I have resources (albeit not the best ones) for extra support if needed. I just need to stop and breathe. I need to not only remind myself of this, but also put it into practice. I think I have inadvertently given myself permission to slack off way too much. Time to kick things into gear again and start working. I not only have a ton of work to do in therapy, I have a ton of other things to do as well (art, animal care, cleaning…). Just because I don’t currently hold a paying job does not mean I can allow myself to continue to be this dead-beat wife. Get off your fat, lazy ass and do something already. Take the dogs for walks, clean the house, find the missing cat, work on training, work on art, try to find a part-time job. Get over yourself and DO something! (just don’t crumble, coz then you are truly worthless).
L and I went to the movies today. It ended up being a bit of a bumble. First, we went to the wrong theater, then got to the right one too late – our original movie was sold out. We also wanted to see the Hunger Games sequel, Catching Fire, so she got tickets for that. It started an hour later, and lasted an hour longer, but it was REALLY good! I was a bit on edge most of the movie, but it was an “ok” on-edge feeling. The first several scenes involve her going through various PTSD symptoms, and I picked up on the others throughout the movie too. Either this movie did better presenting the symptoms, or I read a whole bunch more into it than I did the first one. I could feel her fear, anger, hyper-vigilance… I know it all too well. But anyway, it was good. And it leaves you hanging. Fuckers.
Most of the way through the movie, I remembered that mom had expected us home around 4pm… oops! It was now 5:30 and the movie still had 30 minutes. I knew she wouldn’t check her texts, but I shot her one anyway. I called her as soon as we got outside, and apologized for not showing on time. Normally, this isn’t a big deal, but being Christmas and all, she was a bit miffed. We got home in time to watch her down more wine and finish the last bites of her chicken. We will have to atone for this with a gift of more alcohol sometime in the near future. We really didn’t mean to get to off-track, but we rarely do. After apologizing and chatting for a while, the tension eased and we enjoyed our dinner. L even tried to translate some words into Hungarian through the internet, and we found the weirdest translation for cheesecake yet: “pictures of naked women’s legs to look at”… we laughed at that for a good 20 minutes. I think either slang has gotten really wacky, or someone is trying to screw up poor, unsuspecting English speakers when they try to translate stuff to a language they don’t know…
Anyway, I’m again renewed in my desire to read The Hunger Games books, but I have to find them in hard-copy ( there’s just something “not right” about reading books on a tablet… I guess I’m old-fashioned that way. I really like the feel and smell of a book, and they never run out of charge just as you get to the good part). I wish we had paid better attention to the books my landlord had left us before we donated them. I know we had the whole trilogy, but I managed to keep only the second book… then that was donated when we moved out of the place. oops! I should have known better, I liked most of the books C had left behind…