Woke up crying again today, but it’s not as debilitating as it was Saturday. There’s just this underlying current of sad permeating everything, but I’m more able to function. There’s stuff I know I need to do today, and want to do it, but when it comes down to actually heading out, I lose the motivation (eg: I need to purchase a new bra. I want it, but the thought of going to the mall to check pricing and confirm size is daunting. If I could simply walk into that one store, it might be easier, but the thought of having to navigate the mall (even if it were not crowded) is frustrating. It involves too much process, too many steps (both in terms of walking and in terms of what has to be done) to achieve my goal… it’s overwhelming. I’m trying to think of it as simply going to Frederick’s and looking at prices in the store (looked online, and the bra is on sale online, but would have to order two to get free shipping. Shipping for one is nearly as expensive as getting two bras, which is just too costly right now. The store doesn’t always have the same sales as online…). My problem comes when I break down the steps involved in getting to the store. First, I have to get presentable. Then I have to get in my car and drive to the mall. I have to try to remember where in the mall the store is so I can park close. Then I have to get into the mall and find my way to the store. Then I have to chat with the sales lady. Then I have to politely decline her sales pitch if its more expensive in the store. Then I have to make my way back to the car and back home. I already became exhausted at the concept of getting presentable, forget the rest…

I hate having to be “on.” I hate having to hold this mask of “I’m fine. Everything’s peachy.” It’s so exhausting… TL and I talked about it last week in terms of the upcoming trip (pretty much social interaction for 56 hours straight. Exhausting to any introvert even without the added depression). She asked what it would be like to drop the mask, to not be “on” for the whole trip. The problem with that is the expectation from others to keep pretending no matter what… no one wants to see the reality. No one wants to have to be faced with the discomfort that comes from knowing everything is not “just peachy”… so I have to pretend. :heavy sigh: it would be so much easier to just hide. 😦

I asked mom to go with to the mall. Hopefully having company and someone else driving will make it easier… and I’m hoping the bra is on sale there too. Don’t want to expend the effort for nought…

Some days I wish there was a pill that actually worked to make this all better. I wish the struggle wasn’t so much of a struggle…


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