Learning is tough

I hate myself right now. I had the opportunity to ask for help, and I stumbled. She asked what I needed, and all I could say was to know if she had earlier time this week. I couldn’t admit to struggling. I couldn’t admit to floundering with everything. I couldn’t form the words needed to be able to ask for extra support, even if it would not be something she could provide…

I can’t do this. Daily I fight the urge to down all my pills, or slice my body to shreds. I talk myself out of careless driving, and other destructive actions. I was too scared that she would suggest the er. I was too scared that I’d wind up hospitalized… I don’t want to wind up hospitalized. I don’t need physical containment, but I know that’s what it would sound like. I need support in figuring out how to turn the overwhelming into something I can handle. Except I don’t know how to say that. I know how to say I’m falling apart; not how to say I’m totally overwhelmed and need help with emotional containment… I still have learning to do. And learning sucks.


One response to “Learning is tough

  • Olivieti

    You can make it. you could distract yourself until you have a safe place to deal with it? I make up stories in my head about the future or think about random things to distract myself. It’s not so effective at treating the cause, but it’s a distraction until I get help. Sounds like you have repressed emotions and need somewhere to go and yell / scream them out.

    I have similar impulses. try focusing on your breathing when stuff comes up and thinking about something else in the mean time.. ❤

    When you get the chance allow yourself to cry and scream and dance around angrily. Let that shit out. You have worth and you're allowed to do what you need to get better. ❤

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