I just want to cry… everything hurts again because I overdid physical activity today (oooohhhh… folding 2 loads of laundry and carrying one upstairs… SO strenuous… ::rolleyes::)
This sucks.
And I know that the neurologist won’t find anything either, coz none of the doctors have yet, so why would he be any different??
I should just save the cash, and keep hiding on the couch. Why waste money we don’t have just to be told there’s nothing wrong with me?
Dr C leaves for her vacation this weekend. The therapist she suggested to see in her absence called, but… what’s the point? Again, more money we don’t have spent trying to figure out how to talk to someone I don’t know, and will likely not see again…
I managed about an hour nap today, so insomnia rules dictate that I’m not going to be able to sleep much again tonight.
Have mentioned I’m tired? Emotionally, physically… I’m spent.
I should try my original pot tonight. I haven’t smoked it much since getting my card, mostly because smoking hurts my lungs for the next few days. But maybe I haven’t gotten so tolerant of it. The other formulations we have used to kick my butt to the curb. I’m lucky if they let me nap for a few minutes after taking them. Maybe the flower will let me sleep…
Insomnia is back… it’s not like i sleep during the day, though I’m too tired to do much…
I’m not yet tired at the point L goes to bed, so I stay up. Then, it’s suddenly 12:30am and I’m still wide awake.
Even if I can manage to fall asleep now, I’ll be awake again soon… back to only really being able to sleep once the sun is up. It doesn’t work well with others’ schedules.
I have Dr C tomorrow, then I have to tackle cleaning the apartment and laundry. I can’t remember when L works, but hopefully we can do those chores together.
I only ended up taking pot twice today; mostly for anxiety. My legs are still cramping, and my arms are still sore, but not nearly as much as they were. I’m still as easily drained, and as physically exhausted as I have been for the past 2 months. I hope that will ease up on its own soon too. Of course, I can feel my abdominal pain again. I guess the pot was helping that as well. Maybe now I can check back with the gi doctor and figure this out. I know at one point she had mentioned endoscopy. Maybe that would be a good way to rule out other stuff…
I want to feel ok. I want to be able to function again…
Have you ever noticed how everything experienced through insomnia is amplified?
It’s not only the after effects in the following days, but also everything experienced in the middle of the night while I’m lying awake.
Tonight, the cat food smell is bothering me. It’s turning my stomach, and it’s the only thing I can smell… but do you think I’d make a move to throw it out into the kitchen trash? Nope. Because making such large movements would not only “wake me up more”, but it would also wake the animals up, who would then get restless… at least, that’s my excuse. I really just don’t feel like crawling out of bed when I have a mere 30 minutes left here anyway. It would have been 2 hours if I simply did it when it started bothering me, but it was easier to smash my face into the pillow than it was to move the trash. Now I’m regretting it…
It’s not only smell that gets amplified when I can’t sleep. It’s any sound or extra light. It’s textures and temperatures and thoughts…
I could text any number of friends who also deal with insomnia, but that would require a conversation, and I’m not sure I’m up for that just now.
It is also in the middle of the night when, before I think too much about the ramifications, I feel like I might want to talk more about the things my body remembers… before my brain kicks in and I worry about reactions and fall-out, before the shame and secrecy set it, I sometimes think it might be healing to talk about the sexual abuse stuff with someone other than just Dr C… it might be validating to have some honest and uncensored conversations about it.
Then my brain kicks in. I think about what might happen, who might react & how they might react… I think of all the invalidation and scrutiny I would get for it, and the lost relationships… and it no longer seems worth it.
I prefer anonymity. I prefer the safety-net of confidentiality… and my heart sinks a little. I feel defective. Even just thinking of talking more openly about it makes me feel like a bad person. The guilt and shame hit hard.
On the one hand, I know it wasn’t my fault; I know the guilt and shame shouldn’t be mine (but they are). I know they should belong to the person (people) who did those things… I know this, but I also can’t fully accept it.
What if I’m remembering wrong? What if I’m exaggerating? What if I’m really just doing this for attention? What if I’m just that horrible, spiteful child the voice in my head says I am? What if I’m just plain wrong?
The ramifications for the named people wouldn’t be huge, but they’d be there. The ramifications for me would likely be worse. If I mentioned someone, and they didn’t actually do anything, I’d lose friends and family (it’s not like I have proof. It’s just my word against their’s, and I have a history of mental health issues, so… gotta love stigma). I’d be branded a liar & attention-seeking by those closest to me. I’ve already gotten that label from some people, but they are not really people that matter to me; providers I’ve seen only once or twice, family or friends I choose to no longer have contact with…
It’s just easier to talk around it in anonymous circles, or to keep conversations in the safety of the therapy office. That might change some day, but right now, it’s all I can manage. The fear doesn’t exactly stop me from longing to connect more authentically with others, but it stops the actuality of it happening…
I miss the csa group Dr C ran. It was more structured, but we still had chances to connect around the experiences of having gone through what we did, and many of us having dissociation around it… it was a safe place to be vulnerable, and we seemed to share understandings around it all… I don’t really know how the group would work in the long run though. Part of the safety came from the structure and the limited time commitment… but some days I really wish I could sit again in a room of people who understood the struggle without having to search so hard to explain it; and to know it’s safe to give voice to some of the memories.
So… that new med I started is having a strange effect. I’m not sure I know how to describe it… 6 days in, and it feels like my brain is short-circuiting itself. I’m simultaneously experiencing a brain fog/wanting to sleep, and racing thoughts/insomnia/feeling hyper. It’s a very strange combination. My brain feels like it’s buzzing, but also like it’s stuck in thick mud… it doesn’t make sense though, because the two feelings shouldn’t be able to happen at once. They’re contradictory…
I’m not sure I’m explaining it right, but I don’t really have words for this experience.
L sees an improvement. I’ve moved off the couch and started doing things again, only I feel like I can’t stop. A few days ago, it was that agitated depression. Today it feels almost hypomanic (but through mud)…
My brain is running circles around itself. In one moment, I can’t shut my thoughts off as they race around with the million things I need to do; in the next, I can’t stay awake another minute, and I can’t form words or sentences that make much sense (even just in thought).
I feel like I’ve taken a massive dose of sedative and a massive dose of an upper, and they are both working full-strength at the same time. One takes over for a bit, then the other overpowers it. They go back and forth like that all day & night.
I’m toying with the idea of at least telling the APRN what’s going on, but then I wonder if I’m not just being anxious about it all… I’ve crashed so hard on meds in the past, but I can’t remember if it felt like this. Maybe this is just my body adjusting to the med, and things will calm down shortly… but what if things don’t calm down? What if they get worse, and I miss the warning signs? I definitely don’t want to end up hospitalized again. It’s such a horrid experience, and they just push more meds. That would be the last thing I need…
Other than the psych side-effects, two of the physiological side effects are sticking out as noticeable. The main one is that my heart rate is definitely up by about 30bpm on average (it’s high to begin with). The other is not really one I care to talk about, but it’s sufficiently annoying…
I dunno.
Maybe I should just text her to describe the brain buzzing/brain fog thing? Even if for no other reason than to express my frustrations about it… I might not be bothering her if Dr C were not away this week, but not having that other objective set of eyes makes me nervous… maybe just schedule the text for tomorrow so it doesn’t go to her at midnight, and hopefully feel better about at least having mentioned it to her? I dunno…
I can’t sleep, but I don’t ever actually put on my music or meditations.
I’m exhausted, but I can’t slow down. I feel like I need to keep moving till I fix everything (not that I actually can. I just can’t seem to slow down). It’s very much like that feeling of running from something, except I don’t know what i’m running from. I don’t really have that impending seems of doom, just have to keep going.
I skipped out on therapy last week (quite possibly the first time ever), then needed to cancel yesterday’s session for lack of transportation… I miss the concept of it, but I’m not aware of any really pressing issues to talk about (or I’m avoiding them).
The insomnia is getting worse again. After a brief week of “normal” sleep, I’m back to not able to remain sleeping no matter how exhausted I feel. We went camping over the weekend and I think I got 3 or 4 hours of light, intermittent sleep. I was hoping to be able to get more Sunday night, but I was up most of that might also. Tonight, we came to bed around 11 and I was awake by 2:30… I’m approaching that point where the lack of sleep becomes a huge detriment to my mental health. I need to figure out how to get more hours in a night. My usual aids are not helping or being left untried. I’ve been trying to get myself to put on my music, but there’s something uncomfortable/scary/intimidating about not being able to hear what’s going on in the rest of the apartment. It feels like I need to be aware of any potential dangers. It’s different than the times I get terrified to go to bed. I’m not terrified now, just hyper-aware and feel a pressure to remain so… I need to stay awake “in case” (but don’t ask me what, because I’m not sure)…
I hope the car thing gets figured out soon. I think talking to Dr C about this might be a good idea. I need to figure out what i’m running from and what i’m worried about happening.
I really wish I could sleep. My brain is not shutting off. It’s like a constant buzz of white noise; I’m not consciously aware of any thoughts keeping me awake, but there’s a pressure to remain aware. It’s an emotional thing more than a cognitive thing…
I’m so physically tired, but I can’t seem to get a decent night’s sleep (emotionally tired also, but…).
Over the weekend, I managed to gather a group of people together for art journaling. It was fun, but the clean-up before and after was exhausting, as was trying to smile and put on a happy face when I’ve wanted to cry all weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I loved doing it, I’m just tired.
Got therapy in a little bit. I’m trying to prioritize what to cover today. There’s still stuff floating around from previous weeks, but there’s also the impending anniversary, and her trip, and current stressors… I’ve got 2 hours in the next two weeks to address everything I need to before she’s gone for a month. :sigh: I dunno.
I’m really liking when my life focuses on art. It’s genuine, but that also makes it very vulnerable. As much as I want to be able to show off the works that mean a lot to me, I’m hesitant. Even the slightest rejection or displeasure around those feels like it’s a rejection of me (even if the person has no idea what the piece means). So I try to keep those hidden…
I guess I should head out of I want to grab something to eat on the way to session…
I think part of me is afraid to try to go back to sleep. I’m afraid to not have the phone in my hands and keep feeding myself the distraction… it’s too late at this point to try to take something to relax enough to sleep. I’m sure Dr C would be ok with me making it to a later appointment if I told her I needed to sleep, but maybe I can just sleep some during the day. That feels safer… (I know it’s safe to sleep now, but talking with her about the stuff has triggered the feeling that it’s again not safe to sleep at night).
My chest still hurts from the weight of what we talked about. It still feels like it might cave inwards…
There was a moment of soul-crushing pain. It felt like my chest may cave inward. I could barely breathe through it… no. Just no. I spent the last hour (?) telling her things… they are impossible fictions. I’m not sure why I need to lie about this stuff, but I just do.
They’re not consistent stories. They’re not complete. Some I’m aware of as scripts (I didn’t actually remember them at the time, I’ve just read what I’ve written in the past enough times to be able to recite them. There’s no emotion. I just know what I should be saying)…
I can’t sleep again tonight.
I think we got home around 10:30. We didn’t come to bed till about 11:30. It’s 2 and I’ve already been awake for 20 minutes. I wish I could sleep. But I’m confused about the session last night. And the body memories are loud right now… right now, I can feel the scripts I was reading earlier. There’s a physical aspect to them. The emotional is just tired and spent (and maybe a bit scared).
I just want to sleep.
Please just let me sleep…
There was another point in session where she suggested an activity that involved tracing my body outline onto a large piece of paper. I nearly sunk into the chair and ran out of the room at the same time. In that moment, the thought of laying down on my back to be traced was utterly terrifying. Body memories flared up throughout every part of me. I could feel being held down. I could feel being touched. I could feel the panic… I wanted to curl into the tightest little ball ever. I wanted to hide. I wanted her to just stop describing the activity because no matter what words were flowing from her lips, I was sure it meant even she would hurt me.
I want to rip the skin off my entire body. I want to stab my legs. I want to open my arms up and let all the blood flow out. Part of what I felt and remembered last night must have been one of the hospitalizations. I felt tubes hooked to my arms, and a fuzzy, sleepy feeling. I didn’t want to wake up again. I really, really, really just wanted to fall asleep and not ever wake up… must have been from that time I OD’d for the first time… it would make sense for the emotions that came up on the way home once I was finally grounding… the emotions and the situation fit nicely into the OD attempt from 2007 (last night, L was out, I was supposed to meet her there after therapy. Therapy had been really unsettling and triggering. I thought about not going to meet L. The urge to self destruct in more ways than one screamed in my head. I thought it would actually work before she would be able to get home… I really just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up again). So instead I called her once I was home (I thought about calling her on the way home, but I was using really loud music to help ground. I needed to keep it loud till I got home). I got directions and managed to ask her to give me clear instructions on what I needed to do and where I needed to go. I got lost trying to get to her anyway – a place not 7 minutes from our house, but I messed up twice and ended up towards the other end of the road (near the hospital). I was still checked out at the time I arrived. I was supposed to help out, but it was getting late, and I was in no space to do anything that might require competence. I sat outside on the porch instead. I stayed there until I could finally feel the chill. I would have stayed there until it was time to go if L hadn’t come to chat and tell me to come inside even if I wasn’t going to volunteer…
I’m so exhausted, but I just can’t sleep. I feel like I need to keep talking about the things we opened up in session. Except when I go to talk or write about it, I freeze. I’m scared. It’s hugely triggering. It’s also something I shouldn’t indulge if it’s a story I’ve made up… yet there’s this really strong internal push to keep talking. I dunno…
I’m scared. I’m scared of continuing to address this, but also scared not to address it. I’m scared either will land me inpatient again. Both feel potentially hugely triggering, but one will trigger self-destruct out of fear of what’s being communicated, and the other will trigger self-destruct out of anger at ignoring things again…
Suddenly, I’m remembering Catherine. She was a case manager(?) At one of the hospitals I was at back in 2009. I only remember working with her one time, but apparently I was assigned to her more than one stay. I want to say maybe she was told more than I remember. I know she felt safe that second time (even though I thought I was meeting her for the first time)… she argued with the psychiatrist about the ect he was trying to force me into that time, and fought to get me into a trauma program out of state.
I wish the body sensations would stop. They don’t let me sleep (well, them and the chaos in my head). They are closing in on intolerable level… it’s nearly 3 am now. I can’t believe I’ve been babbling on for so long… it’s helping though. It’s helping stop the circles of thought. At least getting them down gives me a safe place to store them so maybe I can sleep at some point… Maybe I need to try to see the aprn at Dr C’s office and get something for the sleep… it’s been too many nights of poor sleep, and too many days of not being able to eat much of anything. Maybe I should try herbal tonight? Might be an improvement over the lack of sleep… I dunno. I really just want to be able to sleep.
Early Friday morning as I was taking the little dog out in a half- asleep state, I thought I heard someone whisper “who’s coming?”. It scared the crap out of me. It took me another two hours to get back to sleep.
Now I’m wondering if it didn’t have something to do with this distanced, slightly dissociative episode that’s going on. Wonder if I was giving myself a heads-up about how intense it will be.
Feels like I’m stuck in angry, rebellious teenage mode. It’s a difficult space to be stuck in…
I wake up these last several weeks to the slightest noise, then I can’t get back to sleep. Tonight, one of the dogs barked once. I thought she had to go out, so I got up to take her. Turns out she was just trying to get the neighbor dog’s attention… that was an hour ago. I have to be up again at 6 for work. I have a feeling I’m finally going to have fallen asleep again right as my alarm goes off…
A few days ago, we stated watching Game of Thrones again (from the beginning, because we were lost about the story line for the new season, and because I never really made it past season 2 episode 4. Anyway, I didn’t realize how triggering some of the scenes would be. They had made me uncomfortable the first two times I tried to get through the series, but this time they tugged at some memories… I think the memories were there itching for a reason to jump in my face again, and this was their convenient excuse. I think the combination of poor sleep, pms, stress from work/life, and little time to unwind are also playing a role. I dunno. It’s getting loud though…
Maybe tonight when I go back to bed, I can actually sleep. And if little dog doesn’t get demanding in the a.m., I might even be able to sleep in Sunday morning.
This week was long in terms of work. I’m really grateful next week goes back to the light schedule. I’m going to make a concerted effort not to pick up shifts for people next week. My boss only has me in for the usual 2 days. I need that break to recharge a bit (I need to keep remind myself of that).
I’m still having a rough time. I still really just want to cry but can’t seem to. I’m still not sleeping all that well…
I’ve also been creatively dry lately. I participated in an art journal page supply swap, and felt like I was kicking and screaming my way through it. I did most of a page around what I received, but it still needs work.
I tried working more on a small mixed media piece that I started a while back. I had overdone the silver foil when I added it; It took over the whole painting. I tried to balance it with some steampunk-style, but now I’m feeling the focal image is completely lost. I dunno. It’s definitely something to keep working on.
Other than that, I’m creatively stalled.
Outside of art, I’m finding the repercussions of wanting to help people out are again causing more stress than happiness. Several weeks ago, I had suggested to someone I could bring something back for her from across the country because, at the time, I thought I could make that trip easier than I actually can… least week, she asked if I was still open to picking up her purchase. I said yes thinking I was doing this trip at my pace. Unfortunately, between work constraints and the preferences of others involved, the trip has been pushed up to the end of this week instead of the beginning of May. That leaves me reeling on a few levels: money is a HUGE issue for this trip. At the time I quoted the person a cost, I was expecting to have more cash at my disposal. I only quoted half the cost of the trip, but that leaves me having to pay the other half, which I don’t really think I can afford right now.
It will also be hugely emotionally draining to go back. I’m going by myself. The whole 2-day drive will be on my shoulders both ways. There’s no one to talk to, or to switch off driving with… and I’m going back to the place that had me so triggered for the last 2.5 years.
Why did I agree to this again on this time-frame?
I hate that my insane push to help out and to please people pushes me into situations I should have thought harder about. It is what I tend to do at work and in my personal life: I push myself way past my own limits until it ends up backfiring… when will I finally learn this lesson?
Oh, I had mentioned the pattern of March being difficult seemingly every year to Dr C during last session. We brainstormed a bunch of ideas, but none seemed to feel like they fit. Maybe it’s just a rough month for no real reason…
Yesterday after work, I came home and promptly fell asleep (in the middle of texting a friend!). I slept hard for 2.5 hours, and really didn’t want to wake up at the point I did. I forced myself all the way awake though, and headed out to run some quick errands. 4 hours later, I had picked L up from work, we had dinner out, and returned home. We watched a few episodes of Nurse Jackie, then both of us crawled into bed…
I awake at 4:29 to one of the cats making a lot of noise. I had expected to fall back asleep, but I guess the earlier nap has thrown me off again. It’s now 6 am and I’m still wide awake.
It’s been over a month now that I can’t sleep well. My body and brain are exhausted most of the time, but it doesn’t seem to help. At least I’m getting some sleep though. I get about 4-6 hours a night. It’s still manageable. I just wish it were more.
L took a 3 day weekend (a first since my move back up here). Our plans are simply to do whatever we want… now if only I could sleep through the night 😉
The changing schedule combined with an inability to get to the basic chores I used to be able to do has me totally off kilter… I’m really missing Dr C. it’s going to be a long 2 weeks.
At least today I’m getting laundry done. It really helps that L did some “emergency” loads over the weekend. It left me with only 5 loads to get done today. I brought the dogs with me so they are not stuck alone in the house all day. While things are drying, we went for a walk around the block… now I’m waiting to go have to fold everything, then run the dogs home and head off to work. I need to remember to grab food when I drop them and the laundry off… it’s going to be a long day.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last week and a half. It’s not helping my ability to handle stress. I really want to be able to sleep more than 4 hours. It’ll happen again some day, I just dunno when.
I should have gone to bed when L did. I wasn’t tired at the time though. I thought I could watch tv for a bit then head to bed when I was tired, only now the panic has set in.
Just gotta breathe and head to bed. It’s just L & the cats in there (and the reptiles…). I’m safe. It’s 2015. I’m an adult. The dogs are in the living room. We are the only ones who live in the apartment. It’s 2015. I’m 36. I am safe. It’s all good…
Woke up around 1 because it was too hot in here, now not able to get back to sleep. I’m stressing about our amount of stuff and where to put it all. I think a lot will head to storage. I thought we would be able to get rid of our unit, but it’s not looking like it. Even if we purge the items we have and don’t need/use, we still have a bunch of stuff.
The shipping container with our stuff from my mom’s house arrived today. I only cleared out a small portion of it but the apartment is full… help arrives later today to unpack the heavy things. Gulp! I really need to clear out the area where the snake cages will go so we can get those set up and out of the way. Then I think the rest of the big things will fall into place around it all. One of our bedroom closets smells heavily of cigarette smoke from the apartment next door. We have decided to use the living room closet instead for clothing and use that closet for tools and art supplies. We will also be putting both air purifiers into the bedroom, with the smaller one in that closet… neither of us smoke, and both find the stale smoke smell pretty gross. Hoping the air purifiers do their job.
We had an old friend over tonight. He brought his gf. It was nice to spend an extended time with friends (and without being in a muscle relaxer fog). I’m finding I am as isolated here as I was at my mom’s house, only here it’s just me during the day. L has a crazy work schedule. I’m not quite sure how she keeps up with it. I think when all is said and done, she ends up working close to 60 hours a week. Hopefully with me starting up at a former job again, she will be able to drop down to the one f/t job (which itself is almost 50 hours)…
After having met with Dr C last week, I’m questioning my self-assessment. I really need to ask her if she thinks I’m as messed up as I worry she thinks I am. I know I have a tendency to read into things based on my own perceptions, so I really need that reality check next time I meet with her. There’s so much more I’m finding I have no memory of (between anecdotes from L and from our friend, I’m finding I have gaps in time from as recent as right before I moved back to my mom’s house… though even L was saying she didn’t remember everything the friend was talking about tonight). I dunno… I know there were times at mom’s that flew by or I don’t remember, but it was easily explained. Aside of the triggered times with De, most of that time was spent lost on the internet. I think mom would have mentioned if anything noteworthy happened. Definitely need to ask Dr C about some of this stuff.
I know I was really distracted today when the landlord’s son came by with a key we had asked for. I felt bad about how inattentive I was when we talked. I’m normally more outgoing and genuine. I was just so distracted about the pod arriving, my head was in a million different places at the time. I know I felt disconnected when talking to him, and actually felt kinda dismissive and like a jerk. I didn’t mean to be.
Does anyone else get such a different perception of things? Does your reality match up with what others report? I find myself checking in with others more often than not these days. I don’t trust my perceptions anymore, and I’ve gotten into the habit of asking if what I’m feeling or thinking is accurate to the situation. It started as something I only did with therapists, but lately it’s spilling out to friends and family. Sometimes I even do it with strangers (which I assume gets me a few weird looks). I guess it’s better than over-reacting to something that’s actually innocuous.
Anyway, enough middle-of-the-night ramblings from me. Hope you all are having a good weekend. Send us good unpacking vibes, and no rain on Sunday or Monday vibes please! The pod leaves again Tuesday, so everything has to be out of it (slight cartoon freak-out moment over how soon that actually is).
I woke at 3:30 after only about 3 hours of sleep. It’s now almost 6 and I can’t shut my head off.
I have a headache, I’m exhausted, but my eyes won’t stay shut, and my head won’t stop the chatter.
:sigh:
Hoping just writing it here will trigger Murphy’s Law and I’ll finally be able to sleep some more.
Feeling very disposable tonight. Not quite sure why. I have an idea, but… I don’t know.
Trying to hold the idea of being worthy of care, and that people actually do care about me in my head. It’s proving difficult. Part of that comes from shutting everyone out right now. It seems to be the only way I can function enough to keep moving forward. It’s the only thing that keeps me from dissolving into tears again.
I hate this time of year. I hate that I so easily fall back into despair. I hate that it is so much easier here, where all the reminders of the original events are in my face 24/7/365.
There’s so much swirling around in my head at the moment. I wish I knew how to sort it out. I might need to purposefully do some containment visualizations tonight. I’m grateful for TM’s suggestion of using the pensive. I don’t have to pay attention to where I put things, or try to stuff them in so they all fit. I can simply pull it all out and put it into the bowl. I know it will be held safely there. Everything can coalesce, but I will still be able to pick out what I need when I need it; easily and one at a time. I can put the whole mess in at once, and know I’ll still be able to find what I’m looking for when I’m looking for it. The house, family, the cats & dogs, friends, experiences (positive and negative alike)… it gets pulled into the pensive so that nothing falls over the rim. I will have the tools needed for pulling them out one by one when I want or need. It will happen safely and in a controlled manner…
Just have to make it through the next several weeks. Well, first I have to pull off the move, then I can worry about the rest of the month. At least I’ll be with L again. And the triggers won’t be in the walls and the trees… most days and nights, these walls scream with the past. The new walls may well scream for someone else, but I will not be able to hear them. Hoping for some internal peace after this relocation.
I did not sleep much last night. I fell asleep around 3am, only to be awakened by cats breaking things at 5:30am. I went back to sleep around 6:30 after cleaning up all the broken glass, then was up again at 8… I was in no mood to pack boxes this a.m. I was going back and forth about leaving TM a message in hopes of expressing what I couldn’t yesterday. The thought of it made me feel too needy and clingy though.
Instead, I wrote her a letter. It’s not great, but it’s got more in it that I had wanted to express. I also made her a mini-award with one of the “endings” quotes she had printed out for me on the back… the unicorn is supposed to resemble the one in her office. It’s not quite right either, but I suddenly can’t remember what her’s looked like (except for the crazy hair).
:shrugz: I’ll send it out tomorrow after the little card is more fully dry… can’t think too much about the ending though, because my eyes will start leaking again.
It’s 5 am. I’ve been awake since 3:30 after having fallen asleep around midnight… this has been a trend for about 3 weeks now, interrupted only by me remembering to take benadryl a few nights here and there (when I don’t have to function at all the following day). This insomnia is certainly not helping my depression or functioning.
If we weren’t in the process of referring out and termination, I probably would have reached out to TM about the increasing lack of sleep. Now? I dunno. I can’t get over feeling like there’s a boundary there I need to keep to. We are ending. Reaching out for anything other than scheduling feels like a big “no-no”…
I keep coming back to frustrations around a lack of support. I’m guessing the IOP will not work out due to finances. I don’t want to ask TM to extend our sessions until I leave merely for support. She’s got limited availability as is, I don’t want to keep wasting her time… that leaves me with trying to muddle through on my own.
I’ve thought about reaching out to friends and family for support, but I feel like a huge bother. There were a few times I wanted to talk about stuff with L, but she’s got so much on her end, it’s not fair to bug her with it (and I’m not totally sure how to talk about it). I had tried to process Wednesday’s appointment with TM, but she quickly switched back to talking about whatever was going on for her that day. I didn’t attempt to revisit. I know, my fault. I should be more assertive in wanting to talk, but I feel so defeated and overwhelmed, I’m not going to beg anyone to sit through my struggle to articulate things; not TM, not L, not anyone. It’s just all pointless.
Part of me wants to call insurance today to see what can be done in terms of accessing additional support, but I really don’t like asking for favors. I don’t want the hospital program to do anything out of the norm for me. I don’t want to bother TM with anything. I don’t want to ask for more. I’ve taken plenty already, I should be good with all this… only I’m not. I’m coping on the outside and crumbling on the inside. My internal resources are running dry again. Bed is looking more and more inviting 24/7/365… there’s other things that are yet more inviting, but they are not an option despite being on my mind all the time…
I just have to get through this move, then I can worry about what to do up there again. I gotta get through this move…
Can’t sleep. Can’t shut my brain and body off. Resorted to turning on my music on the phone even though there’s meditation and sleep tracks piping through my ipod. Might turn on the TV in a few if my head doesn’t slow soon. Really just wish I could sleep…
Today is jam-packed & full. I guess it matches my brain…
I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke early, but I also couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I finally dragged my butt up, but everything was slow in happening. I ended up visiting a friend with the intention of working more on art. I did the background for the piece I want to enter into a mother’s day show, but that’s as far as I got. I was quite distracted. Then I had to jet off to therapy. TM and I talked, but I’m hazy on what it all was. I know we addressed the current huge stressor a bit. I know I asked her to keep focusing on the trauma anyway because I feel like I keep getting to a point of opening up about it, but never a point of really working on it. I can’t really remember what we talked about. I think a thread through everything we touched on was safety (she took notes this time, which she doesn’t normally do. the word “safety” was highlighted). I think we had talked about some symptoms, because she ended up calling something “hypervigilance” and it kinda clicked as such after she labeled it. I don’t exactly remember what it was, but I know I told her that I hadn’t thought to call it that because it didn’t manifest in the way I thought hypervigilance would. We talked about it a bit, and came to the conclusion that I do tend to be hypervigilant at a certain level of being triggered…
I can’t really remember most of the session though. In the past, doodling & coloring had helped me stay grounded. It’s no longer as effective. I noticed that because we had talked about grounding, and she asked if noticing and describing helped at all (if I had ever done it). I remember telling her that I had long ago gotten good about being able to interact with my environment while still being “far away”. I used the doodling as an example. I told her I knew I was putting lines and shapes on paper, but I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. I think I also mentioned to her that the doodling had been effective in the past, but no longer was. We talked more about grounding techniques, and I think it helped me come back a bit. She asked me to do something between today and the next appointment, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I called her later and she reminded me it was to try meditation twice a day. I have those short, kid meditations, and I’m supposed to try them during the day and before bed. Hopefully, it will help with my sleep issue also…
That’s right, we talked a bit about sleep as well. I guess sleep disorders are one of her areas of interest. We chatted a bit about it and she told me about a documentary she had seen on it. I guess a steady “diet” of merely 4 hours of sleep for even just a week brings about a drastic decline in coping and functioning… I totally agree.
Anyway, I was supposed to be napping in my few short hours at home this evening, but my head was racing again. I’m playing the meditations though, so it’s at least a bit relaxing. I have tickets to a play tonight (the last of the season tickets from a friend I will be using). I should find something to eat, but I’m not sure what. Maybe I will splurge on food at a restaurant between the parking garage and the theater. Or maybe I will just stop for pizza or something along the way. I dunno… I guess I should get going though, since traffic will be a bear (It took me over an hour to get home from that area around 4pm. heading back down there during peak rush hour on a Friday will likely be worse). I’m bent on enjoying the play though. Gotta take the dogs out first…
After yesterday’s conversation with TM, my fear of going to bed returned last night. I couldn’t move off the couch until 4:30am. I managed a few hours though.
A friend passed on some meditations for kids (in looking for the Relax Kids website before I knew what it was called, I also stumbled upon Magical Meditations 4 Kids), and having them on repeat allowed me to get past the anxiety enough to walk to bed. I have to find a way to make the “reality checks” around my current safety help me with this. I tried so much last night to get over it: grounding, reality checks, trying to reach out to the crisis chats (super busy and lagging last night), distraction, music, talking to friends… finally the meditations worked.
I haven’t had to deal with this fear for several months. I thought I had moved past it, but it seems to be making a re-appearance… Another thing to address with TM (time to make a list for all this stuff so I don’t forget).
This fear has been with me on and off at various intensities for many years. I finally think I know why, but it doesn’t seem to make it easier to overcome. I am better able to reality-check around it. I’ve got a semblance of a reason why the fear is there. I know the monster I’m scared of, and I know what to try to tell myself to refute the fear, but it’s old and huge. The anxiety can take a choke-hold at night. But now I have a new tool for that toolbox: the meditations. I also have a video of L reading a book to one of the kids in the family. Hearing her voice and losing myself in the story helps also…
I couldn’t sleep much from the anxiety, but I was able to drag myself to the farm. It was nice to be around the animals and it was nice to do something on a farm again. The people were friendly, but I didn’t have to interact too much except with the girl that was training me…
I was stupidly stubborn though. I worked to my normal physical exertion level despite still having nagging back pain. About half way through my duties, my back started aching and bending became much more difficult. By the time I finished, the only thing I could do comfortable was stand “at parade rest”.
Luckily, the drive home was significantly shorter than from my journal class. I managed to shower, and now am staring at my last muscle relaxer… time to put the brace back on, and learn to sleep like a horse (even laying down is really painful right now).
I wanted to go today to conquer the emotional wall. I was so focused on that, I forgot to take it easy and spare my back. Oops.
It was a good experience though. If I can stay focused on that aspect, and remember that I do enjoy it once there, maybe I can get past the anxiety of having to get myself there.
Also, I need to invest in muscle relaxers and a back brace that will help with the “heavy” lifting.
Here’s a picture of the donkey I worked with today. He was quite the stubborn one as well. We’re a good pair.
My emotions have been all over the place lately. I again woke to wanting to bawl my eyes out. I know my lack of real sleep probably has something to do with it. The insomnia is creeping back. I’ve only gotten around 5 hours a night for the past 3 or 4 nights. Even if I take something to help me sleep, I wake after about 5 hours of dreaming and poor sleep. If I take something stronger for sleep, I’m still out of it the next day, but my quality of sleep has not improved.
I’m on a crazy scribble of an emotional rollercoaster. I cycle fast with no real triggers that I can identify. It feels like I’m going through all the possible options in a program without finding one I can settle on. It’s very frustrating.
My coping skills are not working well (or I’m not in a place to be able to allow myself to benefit from them). Writing feels circular and useless. My brain feels heavy and wet and useless. I look at art I want to do, even if it’s just copying a reference picture, and my brain shrinks back; “nope, not gonna do it. no”… I want to even just scribble, but judgement, frustration, and (fear?) take over. I’m stuck.
I can’t pay attention to anything. I can’t focus for very long. Even music feels overwhelming right now (though I continue to pump it through my headphones).
Ugh. Come on brain, body… figure your shit out already.
Woke to a desire to cut and cry my eyes out. Also noticed I only had 5 hours of sleep
Hoping coffee and TV helps tame it some.
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nope… didn’t help. less than 4 hours later and I’m cooked. is it ok to just be cooked? is it ok to not have any energy for this today? coz I don’t have energy for this today…
I recently posted on a support forum about my reasons for self harm. One reason was again pointed out as “eye opening” (when I had mentioned it to De, she had admitted that she never thought of it that way, and it helped the whole thing make more sense to her), so I thought I would share it here also.
“people will help with profuse bleeding, but I am expected to handle intense and unbearable emotions on my own”
Regardless of your skill-level in dealing with physical injury, there is no expectation of figuring out how to heal the wound on your own if you are bleeding badly. People will not look at you with an incredulous stare and tell you that you should be able to stitch yourself up and get on with your day. Even doctors are expected to seek medical help with physical illness or injury.
With emotional hurt however, a person is expected to develop the skills necessary to carry them through even the darkest times alone. The emotional equivalent of evisceration or amputation is expected to he handled with grace and poise and completely on your own. Yes, you are allowed to seek help, but you are not allowed to expect hand-holding or much support outside of a quick check-in. You are expected to “take a deep breath and use your coping skills”. Would you tell me to use my coping skills until I found one that worked if I got into an accident and became trapped in my car? Would you tell me to use my coping skills to try to cure cancer? Then why tell me to use my coping skills again and again and again in response to flashbacks or depression or anxiety?
Sometimes, when you ask for help over and over again only to be met with dismissal, you find the help any way you can get it.
I’m writing this not to invalidate the usefulness of healthy coping skills, but to offer another perspective to the concept of self harm being “done for attention”… sometimes it’s the only way to start to get the level of help you need, or the only way to allow people to understand the extent of the hurt.
When the intensity of my self harm had gotten dangerous in the past, it was always directly proportionate to the level of emotional hurt. People stopped saying “go deal with that shit on your own” and finally started asking “how can I help?”
I guess I had hoped to have this post speak more to the stigma of mental illness than it is actually doing. My frustration with the way mental illness is treated comes not so much from the general public, but from the standard of functioning treatment providers set up for clients. While they often acknowledge that it is “difficult to overcome,” and “issues that have been with you your whole life should not be expected to change overnight,” they still are expected to change and improve in relatively short order with relatively little intervention.
A cancer patient has support in so many forms, but a person with depression gets ostracized for “not trying hard enough” when they can’t get out of bed, or told they are being resistant to treatment when the medication side effects prove too taxing (or they report the medication not working)… we need to keep examining the way we treat mental illness. We need to keep looking at the expectations placed on individuals who deal with this day in and day out. When you are exhausted from fighting with the world inside your head, you shouldn’t be expected to fight the world outside alone, yet we do it every day…
I know I was in bed for about 5 hours trying to sleep, but it feels like I was awake all night. My brain didn’t take a break. There was no escape in sleep last night. I think I was dreaming a lot because I remember thinking a lot about stuff. There was also definitely a lot of emotional processing (or release? Or experiencing?) all night and it feels exhausting… hoping it’s a one-night thing.
I had started this on the 25th, then re-did in color on Wednesday (30th)… Tonight was rough. I couldn’t sleep (stupid losses). I heard a song on my playlist that fit the piece, so added the lyrics to the background… the song is “Let you down” by Three Days Grace… (I’ll post a video and the lyrics from my computer later). Anyway, here’s the piece from its third working:
I managed about an hour and 40 minutes sleep tonight, so thought I’d try to add the lyrics and video link via my phone (need distractions at the moment)
“Let You Down” by Three Days Grace
Trust me/There’s no need to fear/Everyone’s here/Waiting for you to finally be one of us/Come down…/You may be full of fear/But you’ll be safe here/When you finally trust me/Finally believe in me/I will let you down/I’ll let you down, I’ll/When you finally trust me/Finally believe in me/Trust me/I’ll be there when you need me/You’ll be safe here/When you finally trust me/Finally believe in me/I will let you down/I’ll let you down, I’ll/When you finally trust me/Finally believe in me/I will let you down/I’ll let you down, I’ll/When you finally trust me/Finally believe in me/Never want to come down/Never want to come down/Never want to come down/(Down, let you down)/I will let you down/I’ll let you down, I’ll/When you finally trust me/Finally believe in me/I will let you down/I’ll let you down, I’ll/When you finally trust me/Finally believe in me
…but not so much for me. I woke about an hour ago because one of the dogs needed to pee, and I can’t get back to sleep. I’m just here listening to the ambient noise of the delta sleep tracks, but it’s not helping me sleep at all. I wonder if I play “Breathe” by Telepopmusic on my phone as well as the delta sleep tracks, maybe that would help? It can’t really hurt at this point (and if it does I can simply turn it off). Here’s hoping for more than 3 hours of sleep tonight…
both sides of the wall 