Tag Archives: insomnia

run down.

I just want to cry… everything hurts again because I overdid physical activity today (oooohhhh… folding 2 loads of laundry and carrying one upstairs… SO strenuous… ::rolleyes::)

This sucks.

And I know that the neurologist won’t find anything either, coz none of the doctors have yet, so why would he be any different??

I should just save the cash, and keep hiding on the couch. Why waste money we don’t have just to be told there’s nothing wrong with me?

Dr C leaves for her vacation this weekend. The therapist she suggested to see in her absence called, but… what’s the point? Again, more money we don’t have spent trying to figure out how to talk to someone I don’t know, and will likely not see again… :/

I managed about an hour nap today, so insomnia rules dictate that I’m not going to be able to sleep much again tonight.

Have mentioned I’m tired? Emotionally, physically… I’m spent.

I should try my original pot tonight. I haven’t smoked it much since getting my card, mostly because smoking hurts my lungs for the next few days. But maybe I haven’t gotten so tolerant of it. The other formulations we have used to kick my butt to the curb. I’m lucky if they let me nap for a few minutes after taking them. Maybe the flower will let me sleep…

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Insomnia and a bit of rambling

Insomnia is back… it’s not like i sleep during the day, though I’m too tired to do much…

I’m not yet tired at the point L goes to bed, so I stay up. Then, it’s suddenly 12:30am and I’m still wide awake.

Even if I can manage to fall asleep now, I’ll be awake again soon… back to only really being able to sleep once the sun is up. It doesn’t work well with others’ schedules.

I have Dr C tomorrow, then I have to tackle cleaning the apartment and laundry. I can’t remember when L works, but hopefully we can do those chores together.

I only ended up taking pot twice today; mostly for anxiety. My legs are still cramping, and my arms are still sore, but not nearly as much as they were. I’m still as easily drained, and as physically exhausted as I have been for the past 2 months. I hope that will ease up on its own soon too. Of course, I can feel my abdominal pain again. I guess the pot was helping that as well. Maybe now I can check back with the gi doctor and figure this out. I know at one point she had mentioned endoscopy. Maybe that would be a good way to rule out other stuff… :/

I want to feel ok. I want to be able to function again…


The insomnia amplifier (and safe spaces).

Have you ever noticed how everything experienced through insomnia is amplified?

It’s not only the after effects in the following days, but also everything experienced in the middle of the night while I’m lying awake.

Tonight, the cat food smell is bothering me. It’s turning my stomach, and it’s the only thing I can smell… but do you think I’d make a move to throw it out into the kitchen trash? Nope. Because making such large movements would not only “wake me up more”, but it would also wake the animals up, who would then get restless… at least, that’s my excuse. I really just don’t feel like crawling out of bed when I have a mere 30 minutes left here anyway. It would have been 2 hours if I simply did it when it started bothering me, but it was easier to smash my face into the pillow than it was to move the trash. Now I’m regretting it…

It’s not only smell that gets amplified when I can’t sleep. It’s any sound or extra light. It’s textures and temperatures and thoughts…

I could text any number of friends who also deal with insomnia, but that would require a conversation, and I’m not sure I’m up for that just now.

It is also in the middle of the night when, before I think too much about the ramifications, I feel like I might want to talk more about the things my body remembers… before my brain kicks in and I worry about reactions and fall-out, before the shame and secrecy set it, I sometimes think it might be healing to talk about the sexual abuse stuff with someone other than just Dr C… it might be validating to have some honest and uncensored conversations about it.

Then my brain kicks in. I think about what might happen, who might react & how they might react… I think of all the invalidation and scrutiny I would get for it, and the lost relationships… and it no longer seems worth it.

I prefer anonymity. I prefer the safety-net of confidentiality… and my heart sinks a little. I feel defective. Even just thinking of talking more openly about it makes me feel like a bad person. The guilt and shame hit hard.

On the one hand, I know it wasn’t my fault; I know the guilt and shame shouldn’t be mine (but they are). I know they should belong to the person (people) who did those things… I know this, but I also can’t fully accept it.

What if I’m remembering wrong? What if I’m exaggerating? What if I’m really just doing this for attention? What if I’m just that horrible, spiteful child the voice in my head says I am? What if I’m just plain wrong?

The ramifications for the named people wouldn’t be huge, but they’d be there. The ramifications for me would likely be worse. If I mentioned someone, and they didn’t actually do anything, I’d lose friends and family (it’s not like I have proof. It’s just my word against their’s, and I have a history of mental health issues, so… gotta love stigma). I’d be branded a liar & attention-seeking by those closest to me. I’ve already gotten that label from some people, but they are not really people that matter to me; providers I’ve seen only once or twice, family or friends I choose to no longer have contact with…

It’s just easier to talk around it in anonymous circles, or to keep conversations in the safety of the therapy office. That might change some day, but right now, it’s all I can manage. The fear doesn’t exactly stop me from longing to connect more authentically with others, but it stops the actuality of it happening…

I miss the csa group Dr C ran. It was more structured, but we still had chances to connect around the experiences of having gone through what we did, and many of us having dissociation around it… it was a safe place to be vulnerable, and we seemed to share understandings around it all… I don’t really know how the group would work in the long run though. Part of the safety came from the structure and the limited time commitment… but some days I really wish I could sit again in a room of people who understood the struggle without having to search so hard to explain it; and to know it’s safe to give voice to some of the memories.


 Fun with meds (<–sarcasm) 

So… that new med I started is having a strange effect. I’m not sure I know how to describe it… 6 days in, and it feels like my brain is short-circuiting itself. I’m simultaneously experiencing a brain fog/wanting to sleep, and racing thoughts/insomnia/feeling hyper. It’s a very strange combination. My brain feels like it’s buzzing, but also like it’s stuck in thick mud… it doesn’t make sense though, because the two feelings shouldn’t be able to happen at once. They’re contradictory… 

I’m not sure I’m explaining it right, but I don’t really have words for this experience. 

L sees an improvement. I’ve moved off the couch and started doing things again, only I feel like I can’t stop. A few days ago, it was that agitated depression. Today it feels almost hypomanic (but through mud)… 

My brain is running circles around itself. In one moment, I can’t shut my thoughts off as they race around with the million things I need to do; in the next, I can’t stay awake another minute, and I can’t form words or sentences that make much sense (even just in thought). 

I feel like I’ve taken a massive dose of sedative and a massive dose of an upper, and they are both working full-strength at the same time. One takes over for a bit, then the other overpowers it. They go back and forth like that all day & night. 

I’m toying with the idea of at least telling the APRN what’s going on, but then I wonder if I’m not just being anxious about it all… I’ve crashed so hard on meds in the past, but I can’t remember if it felt like this. Maybe this is just my body adjusting to the med, and things will calm down shortly… but what if things don’t calm down? What if they get worse, and I miss the warning signs? I definitely don’t want to end up hospitalized again. It’s such a horrid experience, and they just push more meds. That would be the last thing I need…

Other than the psych side-effects, two of the physiological side effects are sticking out as noticeable. The main one is that my heart rate is definitely up by about 30bpm on average (it’s high to begin with). The other is not really one I care to talk about, but it’s sufficiently annoying…

I dunno. 

Maybe I should just text her to describe the brain buzzing/brain fog thing? Even if for no other reason than to express my frustrations about it… I might not be bothering her if Dr C were not away this week, but not having that other objective set of eyes makes me nervous… maybe just schedule the text for tomorrow so it doesn’t go to her at midnight, and hopefully feel better about at least having mentioned it to her? I dunno…


It feels weird 

I’m not sure what’s going on with me. 

I can’t sleep, but I don’t ever actually put on my music or meditations. 

I’m exhausted, but I can’t slow down. I feel like I need to keep moving till I fix everything (not that I actually can. I just can’t seem to slow down). It’s very much like that feeling of running from something, except I don’t know what i’m running from. I don’t really have that impending seems of doom, just have to keep going. 

I skipped out on therapy last week (quite possibly the first time ever), then needed to cancel yesterday’s session for lack of transportation… I miss the concept of it, but I’m not aware of any really pressing issues to talk about (or I’m avoiding them).

The insomnia is getting worse again. After a brief week of “normal” sleep, I’m back to not able to remain sleeping no matter how exhausted I feel. We went camping over the weekend and I think I got 3 or 4 hours of light, intermittent sleep. I was hoping to be able to get more Sunday night, but I was up most of that might also. Tonight, we came to bed around 11 and I was awake by 2:30… :/ I’m approaching that point where the lack of sleep becomes a huge detriment to my mental health. I need to figure out how to get more hours in a night. My usual aids are not helping or being left untried. I’ve been trying to get myself to put on my music, but there’s something uncomfortable/scary/intimidating about not being able to hear what’s going on in the rest of the apartment. It feels like I need to be aware of any potential dangers. It’s different than the times I get terrified to go to bed. I’m not terrified now, just hyper-aware and feel a pressure to remain so… I need to stay awake “in case” (but don’t ask me what, because I’m not sure)…

I hope the car thing gets figured out soon. I think talking to Dr C about this might be a good idea. I need to figure out what i’m running from and what i’m worried about happening. 

I really wish I could sleep. My brain is not shutting off. It’s like a constant buzz of white noise; I’m not consciously aware of any thoughts keeping me awake, but there’s a pressure to remain aware. It’s an emotional thing more than a cognitive thing…


Gaaaaah!

I’m so tired:

  • Of feeling like crap all the time
  • Of never getting enough sleep
  • Of getting over one hurdle to be tripped up by the next
  • Of constantly feeling like my body is not my own because of body memories
  • Of never getting anywhere in life
  • Of this unending cycle

I’m just so tired…

Why does my wife even put up with me? 


Insomnia’s kinda a bitch…

I’m so physically tired, but I can’t seem to get a decent night’s sleep (emotionally tired also, but…).

Over the weekend, I managed to gather a group of people together for art journaling. It was fun, but the clean-up before and after was exhausting, as was trying to smile and put on a happy face when I’ve wanted to cry all weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I loved doing it, I’m just tired.

Got therapy in a little bit. I’m trying to prioritize what to cover today. There’s still stuff floating around from previous weeks, but there’s also the impending anniversary, and her trip, and current stressors… I’ve got 2 hours in the next two weeks to address everything I need to before she’s gone for a month. :sigh: I dunno.

I’m really liking when my life focuses on art. It’s genuine, but that also makes it very vulnerable. As much as I want to be able to show off the works that mean a lot to me, I’m hesitant. Even the slightest rejection or displeasure around those feels like it’s a rejection of me (even if the person has no idea what the piece means). So I try to keep those hidden… :/

I guess I should head out of I want to grab something to eat on the way to session…