Tag Archives: stress

Dual

It’s so weird to feel so split, like two people have control of the same car at the same time.

Went to group for the first time in a while. I’m petty sure nothing triggering was talked about, but I was so spacey when I left. It felt like two people were vying for control at the same time. They were both paying attention to different things, and i felt so split. I had two trains of thought overlapping each other, two ideas of what we were doing next… like kids fighting for the best seat in the car, and pushing each other back and forth. I was tired, and wanting to close my eyes, but I was also driving and shopping, and going to a job thing and going home. My attention felt very seperate, but I recognized it as all my own. I was in the past, but also the present, and the future. It was all so jumbled, like watching two tv screens and paying equal attention to both (but neither getting full attention)…

I don’t think I was stressed, so I’m really not sure where that all came from…

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run down.

I just want to cry… everything hurts again because I overdid physical activity today (oooohhhh… folding 2 loads of laundry and carrying one upstairs… SO strenuous… ::rolleyes::)

This sucks.

And I know that the neurologist won’t find anything either, coz none of the doctors have yet, so why would he be any different??

I should just save the cash, and keep hiding on the couch. Why waste money we don’t have just to be told there’s nothing wrong with me?

Dr C leaves for her vacation this weekend. The therapist she suggested to see in her absence called, but… what’s the point? Again, more money we don’t have spent trying to figure out how to talk to someone I don’t know, and will likely not see again… :/

I managed about an hour nap today, so insomnia rules dictate that I’m not going to be able to sleep much again tonight.

Have mentioned I’m tired? Emotionally, physically… I’m spent.

I should try my original pot tonight. I haven’t smoked it much since getting my card, mostly because smoking hurts my lungs for the next few days. But maybe I haven’t gotten so tolerant of it. The other formulations we have used to kick my butt to the curb. I’m lucky if they let me nap for a few minutes after taking them. Maybe the flower will let me sleep…


Anxiety and stress in my body

I’ve had an “off” cardiac history for most of the time I can remember. I’ve seen cardiologists, worn monitors for varying times, but nothing ever gets recorded or noticed as problematic when they are actuality searching for things.

When I was hospitalized, tech’s were constantly either retaking my vitals, or sending a nurse in to check it.

My average resting heart rate runs about 95bpm (i believe the “normal” for women my age is somewhere significantly lower than that).

No one’s been able to give me a solid reason, though the more research i do into ptsd and trauma, the more i realize it’s likely that.

Anyway, this week’s average had been in the 120’s. My doctor noted it when i went in for having sent my back into spasms on Sunday, but quickly dismissed it a a result of the coffee i was finishing… i should have mentioned to her the “poprocks” in my chest several times this past week, but I’m no good at bringing up something other than what she’s focused on in the moment… it kinda feels like someone lit a sparkler or trick candle inside my chest. It lasts for a few minutes, then fades. It comes more frequently as my stress levels go up. It’s not bad though, since it normally feels like a flopping fish…

Anyway, no doctor is really sure what to do with it all. I’m finally figuring out it is highly correlated with my stress and anxiety levels. This week, not only was i pretty triggered, but i injured my back, and i was fighting off something that drained all my energy (though that energy drain seems to correlate much higher with my tachycardia, just not sure if one causes the other, or both are responses to something else)… it’s not really surprising my pulse has been really high all week (if it ever sustains at about 250bpm for more than a few minutes, I’ll take something).

Today’s therapy was highly emotionally taxing, as were the earlier flashbacks…

(I clearly had something else in mind to write, but i was interrupted, and now have long forgotten what it would be).


Every Little Thing – Carly Pearce

My current song obsession is “Every Little Thing” by Carly Pearce.

It’s written about a guy she wants to move on from, but the majority of lyrics can work for traumatic memories & flashbacks…

:shrugz:

I dunno.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, mostly because I haven’t really known what to write… lots has happened since I last wrote, and most is just stressful and overwhelming. I’m still not really sure what to write about any of it.

Currently in a depressive funk. Finally gave in and got med samples for a class of antidepressant I haven’t tried before (the most recent ones that they hadn’t released at the time I was last on medications 6 years ago). I got them last week. I haven’t taken them yet, still building the courage. The nurse and I are in agreement that if the impulsiveness shows up, I’m stopping the med instead of piling anything onto it… needless to say, I have very little faith in it 1) having any positive impact, and 2) not sending me into a terrible spiral… I might try them tonight, since I’ll have a few days without having to be at work or engaging in mandatory activities. The art show I’m a part of is closing Saturday, but I can probably make that 2 hour commitment unless side-effects are outrageously bad in 3 days (it’s been known to happen with me and meds, but supposedly this class of meds works better with my system. We’ll see).

This is also that time of year that is traditionally difficult. There are a handful of anniversaries that give me trouble at the beginning of summer. Hopefully it will all be over after the first week of July, and I can get back to dealing with the present stressors…

I dunno. I thought I’d be better by now. I thought I’d have my life together and I’d be back working in a field that I not only enjoy, but one in which I can make a decent wage… instead, I’m struggling to get to a part-time job 2 days a week that pays minimum wage, but should at least be fun. I’m not even sure I know what fun means anymore. L showed me a video this morning that she found hilarious. I think, if I weren’t so down, I’d probably have found it hilarious too… :/

I’m just so tired and spent. I’m sure L is even more spent… I’m ready for 2017 to be over, and for things to greatly improve.


More anxiety

My chest is still tight. 

Woke up today… triggered? It’s not exactly the right word for it, because triggered implies more intensity. I was “on”, activated. I started journaling about the story playing out in my head. When I went back to it later to proof read it, it felt hollow and substance-less. I thought I had put more detail, but I guess most of it only played out in my head only. 

The story I woke into left me feeling triggered and on edge. I really wanted to cut. I was aware of the intensity of the desire for the release and balance that comes from it. I was also aware that I needed to try to avoid it… I decided to take a shower.  My usual showers last about 30 minutes on a good day, without that loop that has me feeling unable to get clean… Anyway, today’s shower took almost an hour and a half. I can’t recall any reason it would have. For some reason, I lost an hour in there. And when I was done, I no longer needed to cut. I know I didn’t (I wasn’t bleeding at all), but the desire was abated and my body was a bit sore… 

The loss in time caused me to run late for therapy…

I talked to Dr C about it a bit. She then mentioned something related to family that I had apparently told her previously. I don’t recall telling her anything like that, and I’m not sure I would have necessarily described things in that way, but I believe her when she says it’s something I’ve said to her… that got us onto the topic of dissociation and memory gaps. I expressed my frustration at being faced with more recent episodes of amnesia. I understand the function of it for traumatic events, but this random trigger that somehow connects to the trauma thus leading to dissociation frustrates me. I thought I had gotten to a point where I didn’t completely lose time anymore, but apparently I’m not. I still forget spans of time. Today it happened twice totaling over two hours. The second time happened while shopping after therapy. I thought I had been shopping for maybe an hour, but I had been there for 2.5 hours. Nothing notable happened, but it’s occurrence confuses me. Maybe it was left-over triggering from either the “memories” this morning, or my session with Dr C…

With this sudden increase in noticed loss of time, Dr C suggested I leave pen and paper around in hopes I may journal while checked out. She suggested journaling on my phone may be too complicated in a dissociated state. I dunno. It’s comfortable enough a medium for me… I’ve checked out while trying to journal in my art journal before and ended up just sitting frozen in that position while I was “out”. I’m not sure leaving a pen and paper around would do much. I think i’m more likely to journal on my phone. I know I’ve done that in the past while I was dissociated. Sadly, the app I had used at the time glitched and I lost most of that journaling. I do recall at one point before the app failed that I read several entries I had no memory of writing. Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve found a few entries I don’t recall at all, along with several I’m aware I wrote but cannot feel a connection to. I also know I’ve written quite a bit while dissociated in my private journal blog… none of it looks like anything vastly different than what I remember writing except for the entries that detail the flashbacks and memories; those I constantly have to reread in order to know what they contain. I have the general gist that they describe details, but I wouldn’t be able to recite most of it without reading it. It feels like someone else’s story…

Anyway, I think I lost my point for this post. I feel a bit better though. The anxiety isn’t as crushing after writing for a bit. I don’t necessarily feel grounded, but my chest isn’t tight and twitchy. I still want to cut, but I think I can get myself to bed without giving in. I just hope I can actually sleep tonight. I have work tomorrow. It’ll likely be a 10-hour day again. They are so exhausting, even though they “only” involve camp…

Oh, another stressor; my disability is being reviewed. I think I filled out the form correctly, but I was partially dissociated while doing it. I’m a bit worried I might lose my benefits. I felt weird getting it in the first place, though the providers I worked with seemed to think it was appropriate. I know I don’t have the energy to look for (and accomplish) full-time work. I currently don’t have the emotional head space to succeed at it even if I tried. I feel fake though. I should be able to suck it up and plow through all this. I should be able to be productive in society. I shouldn’t be so lazy and unmotivated… I feel like i’m wasting resources, but Dr C says it’s not a waste. She says having needs and taking time isn’t wasteful… I dunno. I think being so needy is wasteful and a pain in the ass, but she disagrees…

There’s that anxiety again. Guess I should sign off before I send myself into a tizzy over something which I have no control…

Sorry this post is so long-winded. I hope it makes sense and that autocorrect didn’t butcher it too badly because I have no energy to proof read just now…


ugh…

I’m feeling impatient and restless.

I feel like I’m trapped with no outlet…

I’m not sure what to do with myself.

I feel stuck.

Inside my head, I’m pacing like mad.

I think I might scream (a silent, wordless scream)

It’s a lot like the feeling of running from something, only I feel like I’m running in place…

There isn’t enough distraction here (here being at home, in my head, in the moment…)

ugh.

 


Insomnia is back

I wake up these last several weeks to the slightest noise, then I can’t get back to sleep. Tonight, one of the dogs barked once. I thought she had to go out, so I got up to take her. Turns out she was just trying to get the neighbor dog’s attention… that was an hour ago.  I have to be up again at 6 for work. I have a feeling I’m finally going to have fallen asleep again right as my alarm goes off…

A few days ago, we stated watching Game of Thrones again (from the beginning, because we were lost about the story line for the new season, and because I never really made it past season 2 episode 4. Anyway, I didn’t realize how triggering some of the scenes would be. They had made me uncomfortable the first two times I tried to get through the series, but this time they tugged at some memories… I think the memories were there itching for a reason to jump in my face again, and this was their convenient excuse. I think the combination of poor sleep, pms, stress from work/life, and little time to unwind are also playing a role. I dunno. It’s getting loud though…

Maybe tonight when I go back to bed, I can actually sleep. And if little dog doesn’t get demanding in the a.m., I might even be able to sleep in Sunday morning.

This week was long in terms of work. I’m really grateful next week goes back to the light schedule. I’m going to make a concerted effort not to pick up shifts for people next week. My boss only has me in for the usual 2 days. I need that break to recharge a bit (I need to keep remind myself of that).