Tag Archives: stress

I don’t have words to effectively communicate what this is…

Been really out of sorts lately. Can’t totally pinpoint what the exact precipitating event was, but maybe it’s just everything from the last several weeks… There have been so many triggers and stressors (L’s mom has been really sick, and recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure; I didn’t get to visit my own mom much in the two weeks she was up because I cought a cold; stuff’s just been seeping back lately anyway; one of the ladies in the trauma group I attend is really struggling, and her struggle really hits home… It’s something I’ve been through over the years; I actually, out loud, explained to my mom why I think having a service dog would be beneficial; I’ve started to look more intensely for a suitable sd candidate…

The triggered feeling had me craving a way to express itself, or feel more pointedly whatever this feeling is, so I ended up watching Unbelievable on Netflix… Watched the whole 8 or 9 episodes last night, so I didn’t sleep well yet again (between being sick for 2 weeks with this cold, and bring concerned about L’s mom, and just scheduling, I don’t think I’ve had more than 2 hours sleep in a row for about 3 weeks now)… I really related to Marie’s character; not so much the rape and police reporting, but the experiences of the flashbacks, of saying whatever just to appease the one with the power, of trying to explain things, but getting confused and flustered, so shutting down instead of communicating, of having huge walls around myself, of being inadvertantly hurt by parental figured who mean well, but can’t see past their own shit… There’s so much of her character that hits home that I don’t even have words for…

I feel like I’m just shuffling in circles and bumping into myself today. This past week has triggered old stuff, but it’s still so far away. I feel it, but I don’t quite know what it is. It’s old, but… I dunno. It’s still walled off.

I really wish I could talk to Dr C about it… Monday feels so far away.

It’s kinda what Marie’s character felt, but it’s much older; I was much younger… Or maybe not? Maybe I was a teenager when I started putting those lessons together like that? They’re kid lessons tough; older than SJ-old lessons… How old was SJ again?

I kinda want to at least reach out to L about it, but I wouldn’t know where to start, or what to say… This is all stuff I stumble over about voicing. I don’t have words for it really. There’s not really a language for it… I kinda wish I could just pull all the clips of Marie’s character from that series, and take it in to Dr C. Maybe at least I could point to the parts that really hit home, maybe… I don’t know what…

I hate feeling so lost and floaty and trapped inside the feeling. Grounding doesn’t really help right now. As soon as I turn my attention from the act of grounding, I’m floating again.

I don’t even know what I’m floating in! It’s this fog soup of the past or something

L offered to go to Dr C with me one day so we could try to talk about this. She had mentioned just now while taking the dogs out, feeling like she wished she could help, but she didn’t know how. I admitted to her that I wished I could talk to her, only I don’t know how. I don’t know what to say, or how to explain this. I don’t know how to put words to whatever this really old thing is… I don’t think I’d know how with Dr C either… I dunno… I… I dunno. I wish I had words or expressions. I wish I could point to a feeling, or have her feel a bit of what this is just to be able to express it, but… That kind of communication doesn’t exist. Even if I had her watch Unbelievable, and I pointed to the moments I relate to, she wouldn’t know how it relates… That’s the trouble with feelings that have no words, or thoughts that only have feelings… If I can’t grasp on to it, if I can’t find a way to describe it or talk about it, then how the hell can I communicate it? I could art journal about it, but would she understand it the way I do? Even I don’t think I understand it the same way twice, so how the hell do you effectively communicate that?

I want to get lost in music and cuddle Beary… I wish I could cuddle the dogs, but they’re not huge fans of that… I miss having cuddly dogs… I really want a huge, cuddly dog to hide with right now… It feels safe… Floppy was safe like that when I was a kid. I really miss her…


Dual

It’s so weird to feel so split, like two people have control of the same car at the same time.

Went to group for the first time in a while. I’m petty sure nothing triggering was talked about, but I was so spacey when I left. It felt like two people were vying for control at the same time. They were both paying attention to different things, and i felt so split. I had two trains of thought overlapping each other, two ideas of what we were doing next… like kids fighting for the best seat in the car, and pushing each other back and forth. I was tired, and wanting to close my eyes, but I was also driving and shopping, and going to a job thing and going home. My attention felt very seperate, but I recognized it as all my own. I was in the past, but also the present, and the future. It was all so jumbled, like watching two tv screens and paying equal attention to both (but neither getting full attention)…

I don’t think I was stressed, so I’m really not sure where that all came from…


run down.

I just want to cry… everything hurts again because I overdid physical activity today (oooohhhh… folding 2 loads of laundry and carrying one upstairs… SO strenuous… ::rolleyes::)

This sucks.

And I know that the neurologist won’t find anything either, coz none of the doctors have yet, so why would he be any different??

I should just save the cash, and keep hiding on the couch. Why waste money we don’t have just to be told there’s nothing wrong with me?

Dr C leaves for her vacation this weekend. The therapist she suggested to see in her absence called, but… what’s the point? Again, more money we don’t have spent trying to figure out how to talk to someone I don’t know, and will likely not see again… :/

I managed about an hour nap today, so insomnia rules dictate that I’m not going to be able to sleep much again tonight.

Have mentioned I’m tired? Emotionally, physically… I’m spent.

I should try my original pot tonight. I haven’t smoked it much since getting my card, mostly because smoking hurts my lungs for the next few days. But maybe I haven’t gotten so tolerant of it. The other formulations we have used to kick my butt to the curb. I’m lucky if they let me nap for a few minutes after taking them. Maybe the flower will let me sleep…


Anxiety and stress in my body

I’ve had an “off” cardiac history for most of the time I can remember. I’ve seen cardiologists, worn monitors for varying times, but nothing ever gets recorded or noticed as problematic when they are actuality searching for things.

When I was hospitalized, tech’s were constantly either retaking my vitals, or sending a nurse in to check it.

My average resting heart rate runs about 95bpm (i believe the “normal” for women my age is somewhere significantly lower than that).

No one’s been able to give me a solid reason, though the more research i do into ptsd and trauma, the more i realize it’s likely that.

Anyway, this week’s average had been in the 120’s. My doctor noted it when i went in for having sent my back into spasms on Sunday, but quickly dismissed it a a result of the coffee i was finishing… i should have mentioned to her the “poprocks” in my chest several times this past week, but I’m no good at bringing up something other than what she’s focused on in the moment… it kinda feels like someone lit a sparkler or trick candle inside my chest. It lasts for a few minutes, then fades. It comes more frequently as my stress levels go up. It’s not bad though, since it normally feels like a flopping fish…

Anyway, no doctor is really sure what to do with it all. I’m finally figuring out it is highly correlated with my stress and anxiety levels. This week, not only was i pretty triggered, but i injured my back, and i was fighting off something that drained all my energy (though that energy drain seems to correlate much higher with my tachycardia, just not sure if one causes the other, or both are responses to something else)… it’s not really surprising my pulse has been really high all week (if it ever sustains at about 250bpm for more than a few minutes, I’ll take something).

Today’s therapy was highly emotionally taxing, as were the earlier flashbacks…

(I clearly had something else in mind to write, but i was interrupted, and now have long forgotten what it would be).


Every Little Thing – Carly Pearce

My current song obsession is “Every Little Thing” by Carly Pearce.

It’s written about a guy she wants to move on from, but the majority of lyrics can work for traumatic memories & flashbacks…

:shrugz:

I dunno.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, mostly because I haven’t really known what to write… lots has happened since I last wrote, and most is just stressful and overwhelming. I’m still not really sure what to write about any of it.

Currently in a depressive funk. Finally gave in and got med samples for a class of antidepressant I haven’t tried before (the most recent ones that they hadn’t released at the time I was last on medications 6 years ago). I got them last week. I haven’t taken them yet, still building the courage. The nurse and I are in agreement that if the impulsiveness shows up, I’m stopping the med instead of piling anything onto it… needless to say, I have very little faith in it 1) having any positive impact, and 2) not sending me into a terrible spiral… I might try them tonight, since I’ll have a few days without having to be at work or engaging in mandatory activities. The art show I’m a part of is closing Saturday, but I can probably make that 2 hour commitment unless side-effects are outrageously bad in 3 days (it’s been known to happen with me and meds, but supposedly this class of meds works better with my system. We’ll see).

This is also that time of year that is traditionally difficult. There are a handful of anniversaries that give me trouble at the beginning of summer. Hopefully it will all be over after the first week of July, and I can get back to dealing with the present stressors…

I dunno. I thought I’d be better by now. I thought I’d have my life together and I’d be back working in a field that I not only enjoy, but one in which I can make a decent wage… instead, I’m struggling to get to a part-time job 2 days a week that pays minimum wage, but should at least be fun. I’m not even sure I know what fun means anymore. L showed me a video this morning that she found hilarious. I think, if I weren’t so down, I’d probably have found it hilarious too… :/

I’m just so tired and spent. I’m sure L is even more spent… I’m ready for 2017 to be over, and for things to greatly improve.


More anxiety

My chest is still tight. 

Woke up today… triggered? It’s not exactly the right word for it, because triggered implies more intensity. I was “on”, activated. I started journaling about the story playing out in my head. When I went back to it later to proof read it, it felt hollow and substance-less. I thought I had put more detail, but I guess most of it only played out in my head only. 

The story I woke into left me feeling triggered and on edge. I really wanted to cut. I was aware of the intensity of the desire for the release and balance that comes from it. I was also aware that I needed to try to avoid it… I decided to take a shower.  My usual showers last about 30 minutes on a good day, without that loop that has me feeling unable to get clean… Anyway, today’s shower took almost an hour and a half. I can’t recall any reason it would have. For some reason, I lost an hour in there. And when I was done, I no longer needed to cut. I know I didn’t (I wasn’t bleeding at all), but the desire was abated and my body was a bit sore… 

The loss in time caused me to run late for therapy…

I talked to Dr C about it a bit. She then mentioned something related to family that I had apparently told her previously. I don’t recall telling her anything like that, and I’m not sure I would have necessarily described things in that way, but I believe her when she says it’s something I’ve said to her… that got us onto the topic of dissociation and memory gaps. I expressed my frustration at being faced with more recent episodes of amnesia. I understand the function of it for traumatic events, but this random trigger that somehow connects to the trauma thus leading to dissociation frustrates me. I thought I had gotten to a point where I didn’t completely lose time anymore, but apparently I’m not. I still forget spans of time. Today it happened twice totaling over two hours. The second time happened while shopping after therapy. I thought I had been shopping for maybe an hour, but I had been there for 2.5 hours. Nothing notable happened, but it’s occurrence confuses me. Maybe it was left-over triggering from either the “memories” this morning, or my session with Dr C…

With this sudden increase in noticed loss of time, Dr C suggested I leave pen and paper around in hopes I may journal while checked out. She suggested journaling on my phone may be too complicated in a dissociated state. I dunno. It’s comfortable enough a medium for me… I’ve checked out while trying to journal in my art journal before and ended up just sitting frozen in that position while I was “out”. I’m not sure leaving a pen and paper around would do much. I think i’m more likely to journal on my phone. I know I’ve done that in the past while I was dissociated. Sadly, the app I had used at the time glitched and I lost most of that journaling. I do recall at one point before the app failed that I read several entries I had no memory of writing. Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve found a few entries I don’t recall at all, along with several I’m aware I wrote but cannot feel a connection to. I also know I’ve written quite a bit while dissociated in my private journal blog… none of it looks like anything vastly different than what I remember writing except for the entries that detail the flashbacks and memories; those I constantly have to reread in order to know what they contain. I have the general gist that they describe details, but I wouldn’t be able to recite most of it without reading it. It feels like someone else’s story…

Anyway, I think I lost my point for this post. I feel a bit better though. The anxiety isn’t as crushing after writing for a bit. I don’t necessarily feel grounded, but my chest isn’t tight and twitchy. I still want to cut, but I think I can get myself to bed without giving in. I just hope I can actually sleep tonight. I have work tomorrow. It’ll likely be a 10-hour day again. They are so exhausting, even though they “only” involve camp…

Oh, another stressor; my disability is being reviewed. I think I filled out the form correctly, but I was partially dissociated while doing it. I’m a bit worried I might lose my benefits. I felt weird getting it in the first place, though the providers I worked with seemed to think it was appropriate. I know I don’t have the energy to look for (and accomplish) full-time work. I currently don’t have the emotional head space to succeed at it even if I tried. I feel fake though. I should be able to suck it up and plow through all this. I should be able to be productive in society. I shouldn’t be so lazy and unmotivated… I feel like i’m wasting resources, but Dr C says it’s not a waste. She says having needs and taking time isn’t wasteful… I dunno. I think being so needy is wasteful and a pain in the ass, but she disagrees…

There’s that anxiety again. Guess I should sign off before I send myself into a tizzy over something which I have no control…

Sorry this post is so long-winded. I hope it makes sense and that autocorrect didn’t butcher it too badly because I have no energy to proof read just now…


ugh…

I’m feeling impatient and restless.

I feel like I’m trapped with no outlet…

I’m not sure what to do with myself.

I feel stuck.

Inside my head, I’m pacing like mad.

I think I might scream (a silent, wordless scream)

It’s a lot like the feeling of running from something, only I feel like I’m running in place…

There isn’t enough distraction here (here being at home, in my head, in the moment…)

ugh.

 


Insomnia is back

I wake up these last several weeks to the slightest noise, then I can’t get back to sleep. Tonight, one of the dogs barked once. I thought she had to go out, so I got up to take her. Turns out she was just trying to get the neighbor dog’s attention… that was an hour ago.  I have to be up again at 6 for work. I have a feeling I’m finally going to have fallen asleep again right as my alarm goes off…

A few days ago, we stated watching Game of Thrones again (from the beginning, because we were lost about the story line for the new season, and because I never really made it past season 2 episode 4. Anyway, I didn’t realize how triggering some of the scenes would be. They had made me uncomfortable the first two times I tried to get through the series, but this time they tugged at some memories… I think the memories were there itching for a reason to jump in my face again, and this was their convenient excuse. I think the combination of poor sleep, pms, stress from work/life, and little time to unwind are also playing a role. I dunno. It’s getting loud though…

Maybe tonight when I go back to bed, I can actually sleep. And if little dog doesn’t get demanding in the a.m., I might even be able to sleep in Sunday morning.

This week was long in terms of work. I’m really grateful next week goes back to the light schedule. I’m going to make a concerted effort not to pick up shifts for people next week. My boss only has me in for the usual 2 days. I need that break to recharge a bit (I need to keep remind myself of that).


Blergh… (ok, honestly, I dunno an adequate word for this feeling/sound… also **POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING – SH, SUI**

I had another session today. I have been feeling so crappy lately, I asked for some extra time after group yesterday…

It was productive (and long). We talked about what’s causing so much anxiety, and what I get stuck on. At one point, I mentioned some of the financial obligations causing stress. She asked if I wanted to take care of the most stressful one there, and she offered to take over the phone if it became too much for me to keep talking. My responsible side kept bugging me to say yes, but my scared little kid side couldn’t move. We talked a bit about that, then she talked me through the phone thing (literally starting with telling me to take my phone out and find the number). Before actually placing the call, I mentioned the correlation with making an arrangement with this company in particular, and a subsequent hospitalization (so far, it’s happened after every time, and I wasn’t sure if I only had the courage to call them in an effort to lessen anything L might have to take care of in my absence, or if calling them triggered a hard and fast spiral)… she said we’d make a plan after the call to get me through the weekend.

The call was uneventful as usual. The lady I spoke with on the phone was professional. An arrangement was made, and I hung up. Almost instantly, the berating voices started screaming in my head “I’m worthless. I’m a piece of shit. I should have my shit together. I’m a failure. Why can’t I amount to anything? What a waste of space!…” and many more unkind things. Tears started spilling from my eyes, and I managed to choke out that this is what always happens after calling them. About 30 different self-destruct plans flashed through my head. In an instant, I assessed each for viability. More tears flowing unchecked from my eyes. I don’t really remember what else was said, but I was able to communicate the self-hatred and hopelessness.

I guess I started demolishing my soda can because she asked if the pieces I was playing with were sharp enough to hurt myself with. I was a bit taken aback. I’d never consciously self-harm in front of anyone, let alone in her office (it’s a safe space… though I must admit she’s pointed it out to me in the past when I didn’t realize I was clawing my arms during session).  Anyway, we talked a bit more, and she started saying something about me not being bad, and being allowed to make mistakes and ask for leniency. I can’t remember exactly what the words were, but they triggered a flashback… I just cried on the couch and tried to become as small as possible. Part of me kept silently apologizing and begging her not to hate me or be mad at me. Another part of me tried to remind myself that she would not do what I was remembering at the moment, that she was not the person in my memory, and that she was safe. The two inner voices warred to drown each other out.

None of it was voiced till after she stopped taking and I had continued to silently cry for several seconds. I think I actually interrupted her to try to explain what had been going on in my head… I found safe-enough words with which to speak about it; saying how frustrating it was when seemingly innocuous/nice (and common) responses to emotional upheaval and intense self-hatred were such instant triggers… I’m not sure if she was angry or sad that things like that had become so twisted in my head (not angry or sad at me, but for having gone through situations that caused the perversion of those basic concepts), but at one point I think I saw her hands move to cover her face…

We wrapped up that conversation and moved on to a plan for the weekend. I rated my intent to “harm myself” upon leaving. I said a low number, and she was incredulous (that sounds more distrustful that she actually was… more like pleasantly shocked?). I clarified that I wasn’t going to off myself after leaving. She clarified by asking if I’d self-harm. That number was higher. We talked about that a bit, then she again said we’d make a plan for the weekend. I was expecting to have to come up with the standard “what are you doing when you go home today? How about tonight? Tomorrow? Sunday?”. Instead, she asked me to hold on while she checked on her weekend plans… :gulp!: I panicked for a half-second and asked if she truly was just calling her husband (she’s never hospitalized me without talking to me about it, but others have). She showed me her phone dialing out to her hubby. I tried telling her I’d be fine over the weekend; that I didn’t want to interrupt her time with him. She promised she wouldn’t schedule anything if it interrupted their time together. She also said that she had promised to be there for me if I was having a rough time, and this was her way of being there this weekend… a few phone calls later, and we are going to meet again tomorrow either at her office or at her home office (tbd)… I’m still trying to be ok with wasting so much of her time, but she insists it’s not wasting it…

The ride home was “interesting”… I had trouble paying attention to the drive. There were points of the drive where I struggled with myself to keep the car at a safe speed and away from stationary structures. The whole time I worried that if I did crash, even accidentally, she’d think I had lied to her when I rated my safety. I try to be as honest as possible with her about things like that; it’s what built and keeps the trust. I’m more likely to say nothing at all rather than lie about that… I’ve remained silent in response to the safety question before, and we arranged for me to go inpatient like that in the past. I need the trust to be there. I get so low sometimes, I need us both to know that I’ll be honest about my safety even at the lowest times so I’m not again in a revolving hospitalization cycle…

:/

Sorry, that was probably tmi…

I think I need a nap now… catch you on the flip side.


Yesterday & Today

The anxiety was overwhelming yesterday. I wasn’t connected to the emotional impact of it at first; it was just the physical symptoms (being “on alert”, racing heart, tense muscles, distracted by everything, inability to sit still, feeling out of breath). They were intense and lasted the whole day. I tried to breathe through it and repeat grounding phrases, but very little worked to slow any of it for more than a few moments at a time. I jumped almost every time a customer walked through the door. Every loud noise startled me, and the constant barking of the dogs kept it feeling like I needed to stay on alert (in reality, the dogs were just barking because they are away from home and stressing, not because there’s anything to be worried about). I counted all the dogs and did the walk-through at least 7 times before leaving. I felt like every customer might be angry with me or cause a confrontation (no one actually was/did). I went back several times to check the doors to make sure they were locked. I even sat in the parking lot with my dogs ready to leave but mentally going over everything again to make sure everything was done before I left…

This morning is a bit better. It took forever to fall asleep, and I definitely didn’t sleep well, but I got some sleep, so that was good. Unfortunately, my stuff has a habit of kicking in as the day wears on. I noticed the anxiety returning about an hour ago. The echos of the past are still there, though mostly emotional at this point… :/

There’s group later today, so that should help. Then L and I have to clean up and make the apartment look presentable. I hope they don’t freak out over the cats and snakes. They know about the dogs, but the rest wasn’t mentioned at the time we moved in… there’s also some financial stuff I need to get on the ball with asap…Maybe now would be a good time to motive and call for that extra assistance from local social services. If I could just get some support doing all this stuff, it might help make it easier…

The self-harm thoughts are screaming at me still… gotta keep avoiding them, though it would help my head shut up for a while… Maybe I should try the aprn at Dr C’s office and see if he can give me something for the anxiety when it gets this bad..


Art instead of other things

As much as I didn’t want to be in therapy on Monday, I was really looking forward to group on Thursday… only group got cancelled ūüė¶

So, in an effort to keep on the right track with my coping skills, I did art all day…

I’m not sure if I posted about my experiment making my own canvas journal, but I worked on that and some ATC’s that will be going out on a swap (if I can ever decide which ones to actually send. I like them all for various reasons. Some have deeper meanings than they may appear to just by looking at them).

Anyway, here are pics of it all. Some are WIP pics, others of completed pages/cards… I used Inka Gold on the canvas. It doesn’t work well. The paint is cracking and chipping already. I need to come up with something as a hard cover for the journal to help protect it better. It works fine on solid objects, but it’s not meant to be pliable once dried.

I’m glad I had the distraction today. Between pms, the passing of one of L’s family members (and what it’s bringing up for me), increased body sensations, stress around one of the dogs having eaten a spoon a week ago and still not passed it, and the thought of a crazy day at work tomorrow, my thoughts have been hovering over the more negative coping skills. Similar to what I mentioned to Dr C on Monday, I just wanted to be drunk, high, and bleeding. Instead I played art and listened to the Ellie Goulding station on Pandora… yay for picking the more socially acceptable coping skills.


Feeling emotional and overwhelmed

The changing schedule combined with an inability to get to the basic chores I used to be able to do has me totally off kilter… I’m really missing Dr C. it’s going to be a long 2 weeks.

At least today I’m getting laundry done. It really helps that L did some “emergency” loads over the weekend. It left me with only 5 loads to get done today. I brought the dogs with me so they are not stuck alone in the house all day. While things are drying, we went for a walk around the block… now I’m waiting to go have to fold everything, then run the dogs home and head off to work. I need to remember to grab food when I drop them and the laundry off… it’s going to be a long day.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last week and a half. It’s not helping my ability to handle stress. I really want to be able to sleep more than 4 hours. It’ll happen again some day, I just dunno when. :/

Ok, driers are done. One chore down…


Confused by my reaction

I talked briefly with Dr C on Wednesday about my anxiety over her vacation… we talked a bit more about it as a group on Thursday…

I’m still taken aback by my reaction. I’m not falling apart. I don’t feel this desperate need to talk to her (it’s happened in the past, with several of my therapists when they took vacation that happened to fall during a vulnerable time for me). I don’t know why it’s suddenly worrisome that she will be away for two weeks. I thought I was in a better place. I was fine when she left for vacation over the summer (though it might have only been a week)… I keep reminding myself I’m doing well. I remind myself that she has every right to a vacation. I remind myself I did fine the last time she was away… yet the little voice in the back of my head echos with whimpering and tears. I dunno…

Sure, I’m a bit stressed with my recent change in schedule, but it’s a positive stress. The paychecks (as minimal as they are) bring so much relief. It gives me something to do that also has me feeling successful and competent. It’s a really good thing, yet it’s still throwing me off-balance ever so slightly. I guess it’s easier to muddle through that when I can touch base with Dr C during the week.

This next two weeks, I will try to find connection through working on my art journal. She had shown me some “mini squares” she has been doing lately. I think I want to try that. I kept meaning to draw the grid into my journal, but I couldn’t find a ruler (not that I looked very hard). I know I’ll get around to it, I just have to find the energy. They are fairly easy she says, since there isn’t the commitment of a large spread in one technique or style. She does hers without much thought to cohesive order or meaning. I hope I can pull off something similar… I just have to find that damn ruler.


Rough day

Yesterday was stressful. Today’s filled with anxiety and restlessness and neediness. It doesn’t help that I got my period, which always manages to mess with my emotions. It’s also heavily triggering flashbacks and body memories…

I filled out job paperwork yesterday and ended up dissociative. I also went to visit my sister in law. The visit was at once grounding and triggering. She’s pregnant. I’m both super excited about having another niece (first on my side of the family) and also freaking out about it… hanging out with her was grounding, but the concept of another baby in the family (and certain people having access to her) is scary. At least both my brother and sister in law are super paranoid first time parents; they won’t let the kid too far out of their sight.

I hate the sensations in my body. They are uncomfortable. They are taking forever getting to the cognitive memory stage of the flashback (probably because the sensations have a physical reason behind them, and are not purely body memories). It’s all really triggering. Dr C is on vacation till Monday… come on Monday…

In the mean time, I start back at work tomorrow. She wants to get me re-trained by the time she’s on vacation in 2 weeks. Gulp! I hope once I get started and into the groove there again, it will no longer be as triggering. I really like the people I work with, I just dislike the entitled customers (which isn’t all of them, so that’s good) and the secret shops. The extra cash will be really good. We desperately need the money. I just need to be able to hold it together. I don’t want to screw up the job and mess up my reputation with them. I need an unbiased outside source acknowledging I have competency in at least something. I feel so fake and lost these last few years…

Think Monday I will take some stuff I had given to TM in with me when I see Dr C. I’m hoping it will help get communication going again. I’m again feeling that internal pressure to talk about the memories, to dump it all out on someone who can help with it.


moving + shitty anniversary + stress + pms = crying every other second

yeah. that.

I hate crying, yet I can’t seem to stop.

I really wish I still had TM’s support this week.


rawr! depression and pms are a fun combination

:/

you know when you put something out into the universe, and it’s supposed to come to you? why the heck can’t that ever happen with the really awesome stuff? why is it always the stuff I really don’t actually want, or stuff I fear?

last night I journaled to myself about my hesitation to meet with TM today b/c I want to maintain my emotional distance… I recognized that I really didn’t¬†want¬†to not meet with TM today, but that I was just uninterested in losing my distance (there’s something about her office that allows me to drop my walls after I spend all week carefully crafting them… grr!).

anyway, she called today about 40 minutes before I was to leave the house to say she was going home sick.

why can’t I win the lottery when I put that out there? or why can’t we find an apartment that allows all our dogs? I would prefer that to stuff like missing an appointment or someone getting sick.

there were other “stupid” reasons I was disappointed about the cancellation: I was going to get pizza from one of the only good pizza places in this state; I was going to drop an art piece off for a local art show the weekend after next; I was going to get my favorite coffee from my favorite coffee shop… :sigh: sure, I could have gone out of the house regardless of my appointment with TM, but that area of town is about 30 minutes away. If I was going to go anywhere, it would have been to some shops to look around (reptile stores and fish stores are particularly relaxing)… but again, I just didn’t have the energy to make the effort. mom went to run some errands, and the thought of having to drive “all over” (3 stores all within 3 miles of the house) was too much effort.

sigh.

I also made the mistake of posting an “unpopular” opinion on my fb page. I couldn’t think of any eloquent ways to rebuke their stances, so I just closed out the page and left them to rant at me without bothering to read on. maybe tomorrow (or next week, or next month)… I napped instead.

now I’m watching tv re-runs with mom because I need some sort of background noise. trying to find my zen, happy place, but it feels out of reach. hoping TM feels better soon, and I can actually meet with her this week. aside of dragging me to that part of town, there’s comfort in seeing her. stupid feelings of connection. rawr! walls back up please.


o_O

This move is so anxiety-inducing… and then the decision around whether or not the anxiety and depression warrant a check-in call to TM today is anxiety-inducing. I think I will ask that it’s either scheduled, or that there isn’t a call expected, but that it be decided before I leave session either way. I’m leaning towards “I’ll call and leave you a message if I need to” but not set a day and time for a check-in call that may or may not happen. Having to make that decision (even though she said either choice would be ok) is worse than having to make a decision to simply leave her a message. I keep landing on the side of “this isn’t important enough to warrant a check-in”. It feels like a check-in would only be ok if it was something hugely impossible to get through (kinda like last week). This week is difficult, but not as bad as last week…

The depression is still really bad, but it’s manageable at the moment. Going out for a bit yesterday helped (so did that nap). The flashbacks are once again just “background noise” in my body. Though I would love to get them to stop completely, as well as this newer pain that comes with them, I don’t think it’s enough to bug her today… I can still change my mind for the next 2.5 hours, but at this point, I’m settling on “not gonna be annoying and needy”.

On another note, I don’t know why I thought that the happy memories timeline would be emotionally easier than the aversive memories one. There’s no real emotion attached to the happy memories, but they trigger more aversive memories that are connected to them in one way or another. Those negative memories definitely come with some serious emotions. :/

I keep telling myself I need to handle all this differently. I need to not be so triggered by it. I need to be able to deal with it without contacting TM. And then I cycle around to wondering what use trying to deal with all this is with only a few sessions left. I want to hide and put up walls and push TM away (or, push myself away). I don’t want to feel a need to talk to her about anything. I don’t want to find myself looking to her for support. I don’t want to feel like she is a safe person. I don’t want to trust her. I want to be able to walk away without looking back. I’m trying to prepare for this loss that will be huge when it shouldn’t be… Attachment and trust and safety are sticky and messy things for me. I’m not sure how to navigate them as easily as I should. It plants a lump squarely in my throat, and a huge weight into my chest.

The other day I had a lightbulb moment around why I cling so desperately to anyone I care about right before an immanent ending. I’m not really sure why didn’t realize this sooner. I was journaling when it suddenly jumped out of the screen at me: I pulled away from my aunt before she died. I didn’t spend much time with her in that last year she was sick. It was hard. She was cranky and mean from the chemo. I didn’t want to be around that, so I stopped going to see her. I stopped spending time with her. She was one of my favorite people, and I abandoned her because I couldn’t handle her being sick. Then one day, my parents tell me I should go see her because “she doesn’t have much time left”… I think I might have seen her 2 or 3 more times before she lost consciousness in her final week. Then the hospice nurse told us she was likely going to pass that night. Her body was giving up, it was out of fight. She was out of fight. So we spent several hours with her. We would talk to her, and hold her hand. And then it got late, so my mom, brother, and I left. She died later that night…

I felt cheated. And I was angry at myself for not having been there for her. I was mad that I had let my fear and anxiety win to push me away from “my other mother”… I think because of that regret, my reflex is to cling desperately to any relationship right before it’s over. Be it romantic or therapeutic, if I know it’s ending, I become annoying and needy and ever-present… I’m trying not to do that with TM. The only alternate though seems to be building huge walls and lots of distance. It’s another thing I can’t find a middle-ground with. I don’t know how to take an impending loss and not feel giant emotions around it. It was easy to recognize in the termination timing with De, but it’s been harder to put together when it wasn’t so obviously entangled. With De, termination came 6 days before the anniversary of K’s death. I would trip up and use K’s name with her. It was painfully obvious much of the gravity of emotion came from the first loss (and from the coinciding anniversary of my first suicide attempt, thought that came 13 years after K’s death)… Other losses have felt as huge, but never were that easy to put together. I’m not sure what prompted me connecting the dots with the impending loss of TM, but it finally clicked. I am well aware that most of the emotions going on right now are transference. Yes, I will miss TM. It was a good fit for the most part. I know though, that most of my issues with loss go further back… I know losing people I trust and feel safe with just picks at an old wound that never truly healed. ūüė¶


when therapy doesn’t follow your script

Had session today. it was difficult again at the end, but in a good way I guess. only TM seems to want to aim for covering “the interpersonal stuff” more so than the trauma details… She was under the impression that I had covered it in therapy before. Nope. I told her I hadn’t actually touched on any of it but the DuckBoy stuff, and that had only happened for the first,¬†real time with De (I had mentioned the concept in passing to other T’s, but hadn’t looked at it until I started seeing De in 2013)… Unfortunately, this was at the end of the session that had already run long, and I was shutting down because of what we did talk about.

We still didn’t cover the narrative. We did talk about some of the fears around it, and some of the emotional content, but didn’t really talk about *it*. Fuck. Because I had kinda really needed to talk about it… Again, while the stuff we covered was important, I’m still carrying the anxiety of the narrative around for at least another week. She also kinda gave me the impression that we may not ever go over it. ūüė¶ So much for asking her to help keep me on track with that stuff.

We were supposed to go back to the Tuesday thing next week, but she will be out of town. Thursday it is.

I don’t think it helps that I have been physically feeling like ass lately. I think it’s mostly stress and anxiety, but I went to the doctor anyway because my inhaler hasn’t been working. She said she couldn’t hear anything in my lungs, no wheezing or rasping. Good I guess, but it doesn’t explain the chest tightness and inability to breathe properly. It also doesn’t explain why I’m winded simply from walking around the house. She said to keep an eye on it and go back if it gets worse. It may be a flu thing brewing. I really don’t want to be sick right now, so I hope it’s just the cold snap we are having these past few days…

Anyway, I’m trying not to be too disappointed by therapy. I’m glad I talked to her about the stuff I did, but it qualifies as “getting distracted”. I’m not sure I know how to keep pushing for the trauma work. Part of me still really wants to cover it, but another part knows that to do so I would need more time and support. I guess I just need to be fine with whatever this turns out to be. And maybe I need to be ok with never actually disclosing details or talking about them (even if it would help the flashbacks subside)… I couldn’t ever communicate them when they started, why should that change now?


“Disgustingly happy art” was approved (and thoughts on today)

disgustingly happy artMet with TM again today and showed her the finished Unicorn Pegasus picture. She really liked it. We talked about how difficult it was to do, and how it didn’t really meet my standards, but that it was growing on me. I had intended to explain that trying to do the happier piece in my art journal was very triggering, but I forgot to bring it up. I wanted to explain that the art journal needed to be where I could be genuine with the expression, but we ended up talking about how taking the art journal classes was helping me be less critical of my work.

I also mentioned that the Unicorn Pegasus piece may or may not find a way to go up in flames after session, so she asked if she could keep it. :shrugs: All good. I had to think I was making it for her to keep anyway in order to be able to finish it, so I was ok with her actually keeping it. At first she had said she wouldn’t hang it up because she knew how uncomfortable having my other piece up had made me. I came to the conclusion that the piece in the hallway was too vulnerable, which made me feel exposed. We kinda talked about that a bit. While I know a lot of my art expresses stuff, the more vulnerable and “dark” a piece is, the harder it is to have it seen by random people. It’s kinda like having my journal hanging up in the hallway for anyone to read; just too personal. The Unicorn Pegasus was a piece done “on commission” so it doesn’t make me feel as exposed.

I showed her my art journal that I had started in May. I told her how it was an easier way to express things than in writing, and it was safer in many respects. I have had my written journals read by too many uninvited people to have that feel like a safe way to get things out of me. At least with the art journal, a lot is left up to interpretation. Unless I tell you exactly what I was trying to express, you either interpret it correctly or you don’t. And if you happen to guess it but I don’t want you to know that, I can explain it as something else…

She used the title of “counselor” today and I was able to correct her in real-time about it. I told her how and why it made me uncomfortable. I joked with her that I “get stupid” as soon as I walk through the door to the building anyway, so even if I had gotten my degree, I doubt I could come up with anything intelligent. She kinda laughed at that, then agreed to change her wording to “former intern”. On the heels of that discussion going well, I took a breath and asked for a reality check around whether or not she had believed me the last session when I told her I cut my finger by accident. She admitted that she didn’t know me well yet, but was going on the assumption that I was being honest. I told her that I do my best to be as honest as possible in therapy. If there’s something I don’t want to answer, I will stay quiet rather than lie about it. I was relieved that she didn’t think I was lying, and told her so. We talked a bit more about working in therapy and trying to get out of the rut I seem to be in. I think she may have been generalizing a bit about noticing that I am trying (because really, she’s seen me 3 times. Yes I put forth effort, but I don’t think it’s as obvious as she made it sound… though maybe it is and I just don’t notice it). I may have to bring that up with her, because I don’t believe people when they say nice things about me, especially if I don’t think they would have the knowledge to make a particular statement. It feels fake and forced and like something G would do (either right before or right after harshly criticizing someone else), so it makes me wonder. I know she is not G. I am pretty sure she would not act like he did, however positive stuff towards me always makes me cringe (I know I felt this same way towards TL, and it brough up a lot of transference. I hope TM will be able to tackle it a bit more if it comes up with her also)…

This week’s homework is a bit different: I’m supposed to “practice” doing a trauma narrative. I’m supposed to pick a stressful memory and write about it more formally (beginning, middle, end). I could also do art around it if it’s easier. I may end up doing both… We talked about my desire to be pushed on the trauma work. She mentioned that she normally would not move this quickly, but I seem to have coping skills at my disposal. She is trusting that I will manage myself safely. We reviewed how I have been trying to cope when triggered. She wanted to add to it calling the office hotline. I told her how uncomfortable I was speaking on the phone, and how I often trip over my words or minimize things if I actually get to the point of speaking to a human being (normally I hang up before that can happen). ¬†I told her I will sometimes contact the crisis chats and she seemed ok with that compromise. I guess if it ever gets to her really wanting me to speak with someone at the office, then I can ask her to warn them that I have a difficult time on the phone and it may take more effort on their end to get me to talk… Anyway, this homework is only practice because we are trying to keep triggering to a minimum. She doesn’t even want me to pick a trauma memory, just something more stressful. I’m supposed to describe the event in detail¬†and add as much of both the emotions and thoughts surrounding it as I can recall. I’m also supposed to stop if I get too triggered or stressed. I tried to explain that I am triggered regardless, but she still wants me to take it slower. I’m still trying to figure out what to go with. One thought is the whole incident around Dr. Ass-Wipe wanting to force me into ECT. It’s something I have yet to really process, and I actually remember most of it. It’s also something that reinforces my desire to stay away from psych hospitalizations. Even if I am triggered and freaking out, it will be a very loud reminder to stay safe at all costs.

Can someone remind me to talk to her next week about the difficulty of doing a trauma narrative around something that comes splotchy and fragmented? I don’t really know how to do a “beginning, middle, end” when all I can remember is flashes of various “middles”…


Just breathe

I had tried to leave a message for TL, but I don’t think she received it. She’s normally pretty good about at least calling back even if she doesn’t have time. I really was hoping to have a session this week, and having it be the last one. It’s a crazy rollercoaster with what this arrangement triggers in me. I want it over with.

I was also hoping to figure out what happens next for me at the agency. Something tells me that they want me elsewhere. I’m not quite sure where I’m reading that, but I think it’s a combination of briefly speaking with the clinical director, some of TL’s word choices, their 12 week “reassessment” policy, and TL’s responses to my questions around it (she seemed evasive)… there’s a chance I’m reading into all of it, but there are times my “gut suspicions” are accurate…

I’m emotionally wiped. I’m really excited about this weekend, but I’m also apprehensive. We have so much planned, but I fear we will just both be depressed lumps. I’m still on the verge of tears every other minute… as L said though, at least we’d be depressed together instead of 1500 miles apart.

I think mother nature is trying to get me ready for the drop in temp up north. We are having January weather here in early December. I boxed up the more mobile tropical plants and took them into the garage. It’s already in the low 40’s out there, and it’s supposed to get close to freezing overnight. I have to catch the two outdoor cats and bring them inside. They are used to 50’s, not freezing…

Anyway. I guess I won’t see TL before my trip. That means more time sitting with this triggered anxiety. Whatever. Maybe it’s time I learn to deal with it without therapeutic supports. I used to cope without additional support. Time I learned again.


Saturday’s session rescheduled to Tuesday

my phone sucks sometimes and I missed both of TL’s calls on Saturday morning. She was out sick, and wanted to reschedule. I didn’t get the messages till I was almost there. I drove around for quite a bit, totally aimlessly, but knowing I didn’t want to go back home quite yet. When I first listened to her second message, I thought I heard extreme annoyance and anger in her voice. I thought she was pissed that I was being annoying by not responding to her first message from 30 minutes earlier. I left her a message apologizing for missing her call, and acknowledging the reschedule for later in the week. I then spent the next 45 minutes feeling like shit “for pissing TL off”… I ended up going for coffee at Panera, and tried to doodle and relax a bit. When I got back into the car again, I decided to listen to her message again (I know I tend to read anger into situations where there is none). It was weird hearing the message out of that panicked state. This time around (nearly 90 minutes later), I heard absolutely no annoyance in her voice. If anything, she expressed feeling bad for cancelling last-minute… I breathed a bit easier, and made a mental note to try to talk to her about that on Tuesday. I want to figure out how to be able to do some “reality checks” around when I think someone is angry with me for “fucking up”…

Anyway, I wound up at the beach eventually. It was a gorgeous day and it helped me forget the horrid week for a while. Sadly, as soon as I started home again, the flashbacks started again… I tried to get the same relief from the beach again today, but I couldn’t settle my head long enough to get any benefit from it. Today is day 6 of the body memories that just won’t give up. I’m getting really tired of the struggle. I may ask TL about seeing the ARNP, as the only things that get rid of the body memories at this point are PRN meds that knock me out, or cutting… Clearly I need to go with the PRN’s… :/ The stress of the memories coupled with not having the appointment yesterday, and health worries for L today has me wanting to cry. I can’t actually cry, but the feeling of needing to is there… I really hope TL feels better by Tuesday, and I hope she has a magic wand handy.


What’s more pressing today?

I have an appointment with De later today. We were supposed to tackle some Duckboy stuff, but I’m not sure if I need to process what’s been plaguing me all weekend first, or if I should take about the Duckboy stuff.¬† I think, if I want to get some relief from my head, I need to start with all of this mess.¬† I can worry about the Duckboy stuff Friday or next week.¬† I don’t think I’d at all be useful in tackling that stuff right now with everything else in my head… this termination brought up so much other stuff on top of the normal loss that comes up for me.


Vivid dreams

I hate those dreams so real that when I wake it takes me several minutes to realize they were only dreams. One of the dogs woke me to go out. It took me coming back to bed to realize that what I was thinking was part of the dream. I’m glad I woke from it, because it was becoming very anxiety provoking. Now I’m afraid to go back to sleep in case it is also one of those dreams that picks up where it left off when we were “so rudely interrupted”. Please don’t be one of those dreams…


getting over myself

I need to learn to get over myself. ¬†I need to learn to rely on myself. I need to be ok with the boundaries placed around certain relationships, and the amount of support I can receive from them…

I’ve been struggling in therapy lately. ¬†I feel like I go in, she talks to me, she validates what I say, but it doesn’t feel like enough. ¬†I feel like she’s not listening, not letting me talk. ¬†But when she gives me the chance, I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing. Then I get mad at her because I feel lacking. ¬†The truth is, it’s all my fault. ¬†I don’t say what I need to. ¬†I am not clear in what I’m asking for, even when I think I am (but I’m not). ¬†I don’t know what to say I need because I’m afraid. ¬†I’m afraid to get rejected. ¬†I’m afraid that I’m as much of a mess as I think I am (as I have been told I was). So I need to get over myself. ¬†Because none of this is helping anything at all.


bits of progress

Today started out slow enough, but then L convinced me that we needed to start packing. ¬†We got through a bunch of the stuff in the bedroom. ¬†It doesn’t really look like a dent was made, but we did a lot of work. ¬†There’s still a lot to be done though. ¬†Tomorrow will be spent cleaning the house because a friend is coming for a few days. ¬†Then we resume packing.

We were invited ¬†over to one of Lisa’s co-worker’s house for dinner. ¬†We introduced her family to the game “Apples to Apples” and a fun night was had by all. ¬†I think as we were leaving they mentioned having to go buy it for themselves. ¬†It’s a fun way to get to know people and still not have to talk too much (works amazing for those of us who get anxious talking to new people). ¬†Then, if you already know your competitors, you can have a blast trying to convince them to pick your card. ¬†(They also have a kids version. There is a second game with similar rules, but a bit more crude if you are into that. ¬†I was shocked the first time I played it, but it really can be quite amusing if you remember to keep the humor).

Anyway, I’m off to try to sleep now. ¬†Hope you all have a good night.

 


a need to be occupied

I find when things start to get hairy, I feel the need to be occupied by something or other 24/7. ¬†Earlier today we had gone out with friends to a local museum/gardens. Then L was asked to come in to work 2 hours early (making it an over-night shift), so she had to go to bed by about 5pm. ¬†I find myself bored and in need of something to occupy my thoughts. ¬†The house is SO quiet right now (except for the dogs occasionally barking). ¬† M’s not big on conversation, so the human contact is at a minimum. ¬†I really want to watch tv or something, but she dislikes the noise. ¬†I’m not really sure what to do with myself. ¬†I know if I head to the art room, the dogs will get antsy and make more noise than they already are. ¬†Yet I feel like I need to engage in something. ¬†Everything at my disposal easily leads to boredom. ¬†I could take the kids for a walk, but all 5 dogs by myself is kinda killer (when “the puppy” walks with us, competition to get ahead ensues. ¬†everyone else has since figured out that I lead the pack and they need to walk with me, but he fights me for that status when the others are around. ¬†the walk then turns to me being dragged behind 5 dogs running in slightly different directions. ¬†I don’t think my arms and shoulders can stand that at the moment).

I put music on in the background, but I’m plugged into the computer… Figures this would be the moment the puppy decides he needs to pee… Well, at least I was able to get all the dogs out to potty before the frogs came out for the night (saves my arm, much like not walking them all at once does). ¬†That took care of about 10 minutes. ¬†Now what?

I’ve noticed that there are times I need to be entertained; to keep my head occupied so the less-desirable obsessions don’t float to the surface. ¬†I’ve really been struggling with self-harm thoughts and urges these last few weeks. ¬†I’ve been doing ok keeping them at bay, but they are stubborn. ¬†I’m trying to be more stubborn. ¬†It’s difficult though. ¬†Really difficult. ¬†I keep finding nothing soothes them for very long, and that I need to keep occupied at all times so they don’t overwhelm me. ¬†The Wreck This Journal had helped for about a week but I find I’m losing steam in it. ¬†The paper cranes helped yesterday, but I can’t bring myself to do more today. ¬†Being out at Morikami helped today, but it’s over now. ¬†I want to watch more Grey’s Anatomy. ¬†Maybe that would help keep me distracted for a while. ¬†But I have to wait till M goes to bed. ¬†It would stress her out way too much (and she hates most tv programs).

I’m not quite sure what else to do with myself. ¬†I may draw or try collaging later if Grey’s doesn’t catch my attention for long. ¬†I need to stay with the dogs to head off most of their barking (so L can sleep some before work). Maybe the music will make the web surfing bearable…


Ugh.

Mood is not in a great place today and when I text J to see if we were still meeting today, she cancelled last-minute. That just makes me want to stay in bed.¬† The day is not off to a good start. Money issues, crappy mood, no therapy… I see De tomorrow, but it feels like forever away. We were supposed to save money, and we spent it all. We suck at this. I suck at this. And I have no motivation to try to find ways to make more right now.¬† L’s hours have been cut so much that her check was less than half of what it had been lately. That really screwed up our ability to meet our monthly needs, forget about saving. Ugh. Can I hide in bed all day (week, month, year)?

image


Grief

No bombs were dropped by De in session today, though I did have a few panicked seconds when she started out a sentence with “my supervisor is all over me about…” (heart stalled and breath caught mid-exhale) “…asking you if we can keep your piece for further use” (resume breathing and pumping blood). I didn’t know what to say. I guess they really liked it. I asked if I could get back to her about it. De said that it will be displayed for the month of April, but that they would like to keep it to put up in the building. I’m not opposed to that, but I’m also really attached to the piece. I think if I leave it there, I will ask that my real name be used. Might as well get credit for it.¬† I also told De that I had been toying with asking for it back so I could tweak it because I had a million other ideas since I handed it in. She laughed and reminded me that was why I had given it to her when I did, so I wouldn’t mess with it and end up getting frustrated when it didn’t turn out how I pictured. She’s right, because I would over-work it and feel that I need to start all over again.¬† I don’t think I would have a fourth rendition in me before the beginning of April. It’s good I don’t have my hands on it anymore.
We spent the rest of the session talking about the pending move and how I will need to grieve the loss of the house and such, but that the overall result will be positive (the house does hold many negatives, as does this state. But it also was a “home base” for so long, a safety net if I need it. Hope I can get some sort of other safety net from it. I’m not going to hold my breath for that though).
I’m still adamant about not crying in front of others. She was trying to convince me that it would be ok, but all the judgements and fears around crying screamed in my head. I did tear up a few times with her today but refused to cry. I really don’t think I would have been able to stop if I had actually started. So I moved the conversation along (much like I keep my head moving all day and night so I don’t crack with tears). I had wanted to ask her to focus our work on the assaults and history with DuckBoy. I just didn’t find an appropriate way to slip it in to the flow. I needed more time to explain the rest of the week. I don’t think I expressed my distaste for loss in any meaningful way. I don’t think she gets how hard that is for me. I tend to stuff it all down, so it’s easy for people to miss the little hints. I just don’t do well with loss. A whole lot of loss is coming up real soon. It’s panicking me a bit, but I’m sure it will all be ok in the end (isn’t it always?). There’s always loss. There’s always change. Just gotta learn to go with it… don’t open your heart too much to prevent excessive pain with the withdrawal of whatever it was that you let worm its way inside.
The session flew by before I knew it. On the way out I asked if they had a shredder so I could get rid of the last pictures I found of DuckBoy yesterday. She suggested “making a moment of it” and that we could do it next week. I gave her the pictures to hold on to till then (I certainly don’t want them)…
(Strangely appropriate song just came on my playlist: Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt… covers the feel of all this. ¬†It works for the house, the history, and everything else).
Is it weird that I miss my best friend from high school so much lately? I found some pics of her and of us the same time I found the DuckBoy pictures… one relationship I’d rather forget, and one I wish was still going. But I guess loss and grief are the themes of the moment (sadly there’s only the loss of DuckBoy for which I’m relieved, the other losses just hurt). I wish I had the gumption to track her down and show up at her door. I wish I had been a better friend. I wish I had fought harder when she ran away. But what do you do when a friend ceases wanting to be your friend? …I still have the mug she gave me for Christmas one year. It’s my favorite one. I really miss her.
The loss of this house means the loss of that last connection to a bunch of positive stuff. There will no longer be a safety net here… it sucks…


A tad bit stressed

I’ve done it again; ignored something until it’s too late… now there really isn’t much of a choice. J’s fire that she’s been looking for is firmly lit. We will be moving back up north sooner than expected and under a lot more pressure. This sucks… I’m kicking myself for putting off the asking for help for this long. Now we just have to suck it up and move on. It looks like we will have to re-home two of our pups (one of mom’s and one of our’s), which is totally breaking my heart. I knew we wore out our welcome, but now it’s also our grace period. The house needs to be sold and we will be left with nothing to show for it but more debt. I just want to hide from everything right now (lot of good it’s done so far). Trying not to panic, but not sure how to make things happen. We either find roommates that can cover half the mortgage and stand living here, or we throw in the towel and lose what we have. Pretty shitty choices since I don’t think anyone would want to live here (too many critters, too much stress, too little space)… :/