overwhelmed

sold a group of my reptiles off today.  hope they do ok.  at least the store has more national (and international) reach to sell them.  hope it wasn’t a mistake.  still have 10 snakes and almost 20 lizards… need to keep moving the lizards.  they are more labor-intensive than the snakes.  it’s just all too much… 

saw De today.  not sure what I was looking for, but I guess it was helpful.  came up with ideas of what to do this weekend to keep safe and ahead of that black fog (or at least to the edge of it).  re-homing some of the herps was part of the plan.  i feel like I failed them though (especially the boa)… i hate myself for failing.  i hate myself for bringing the puppy home.  i hate myself for so many reasons.  i just want to stay in bed.  we are supposed to hang out with a friend tomorrow, and it’s really the last think I want to do.  bed would be nicer.  i just want to sleep right now.  i almost cried on the way out of the store.  😦  

so tired of all this.  wanting to find a blade really badly right now.  the self-injury would be comforting… f*** the fact that I will be getting a massage later this coming week or next… it doesn’t really matter, I can just bandage it and tell her not to do that leg… what difference does it make anyway.  who the f*** cares what some stranger thinks.  I doubt I’d ever see her again anyway, I can’t afford massages without buying them from living social, and that always means new customers only for stuff like that.

L is struggling also, and I wish I could be more supportive.  but I’m just lost in myself.  f*** the world.  not in a good space today (this week)… none of it matters.  nothing matters.  it’s all just pointless anyway.  

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