Tag Archives: frustrated

can’t get a grip on these emotions

I know, you’re probably sick of reading from me… Skip if you want (nothing of worth anyway, just me documenting mostly for myself).

I can’t get a handle on my emotions this week. I’m flying from being ok when I saw TM yesterday, to crashing last night and not being able to pull out of it today. Everything seems hopeless and useless and pointless…

I want to call TM and say next week will be it. I’m not seeing a point to it right now, since I hope to be moving in just over a month. What can we possibly accomplish in that time? Why did I bother to trust her or work with her in the first place. I knew it would end fast. I guess I was hoping it would be easier if I tried to just push through things. It’s not. And now it just sucks. I’m not totally sure what triggered this crash, but I’m back to another transference reaction, similar to the one around De’s leaving (only this time I’m doing the leaving). I don’t think it helps that I feel like TM “gets” me. She responds to my not-always-spoken fears, and we seem to click. I want to take her with me when I go, but I know it’s not possible…

I’m back to really just wanting to hide forever. F-this. I’m cooked right now. And I’m being stubborn and I’m not going to call her tomorrow. She’s right, I need to get back to a place of not needing her. So…

At the same time, I want to go hide in her office and get through all this emotional b.s. I want her to tell me it’s ok to be a mess, and that it’s gonna suck, but eventually it will get better. And I want her to tell me I was stupid for thinking I’d be able to get through any significant progress around all this in 4 months… I want her to agree that I should have known better. And I want her to hate me, and do something so I can be mad at her so it’s easier to just walk away.

I want to run away so badly right now. I want to erase everything and just disappear…

I’m so done with this constant roller-coaster. I wish there was some magic that worked. I wish meds didn’t make things worse… I wish I could just blink into nothingness.

Advertisements

Waking up on edge

I woke this morning wanting to scream and cry and break things… I have no idea why. I don’t remember any nightmares or scary dreams. I can’t think of any good reason I should be this cranky and upset, yet I want to destroy myself. :/

I hate when days start out like this. What prompted it? Why are the tiniest things setting off a huge emotional reaction in my head?

I’m back to thinking if I could just smash my body, I wouldn’t have to feel this anymore… only, I’m not consciously feeling anything. That’s normally a though that goes along with overt and intense flashbacks. I can’t recognize any today.

This is very frustrating. Apologies in advance if I can’t keep this in check when interacting with anyone online and in real life… I don’t mean to be an ass. Sorry…
______________________________

Took a nap, and realized I’m having flashbacks in my sleep. I remembered it and felt it the first few seconds after waking up, now it’s just the aftereffects of them without too clear an idea of what was going on in it… :/ at least I know why I was reacting as if I’d been dealing with them.

Are they worse in dreams for anyone else?


That sucked

Therapy today sucked. I barely held it together these past two weeks, and… well. It sucked. I didn’t know how to really communicate. As soon as I started to let a bit of my guard down, all the walls started to crumble… I thought I communicated how bad things were, but I guess not. She asked what changed between the time I was able to walk in to talk to her and the time I sat down. I didn’t know how to tell her it felt safe enough to crumble, and that’s why it started to happen…
We are still just doing every other week. I tried to tell her I wasn’t ok with that, and that I doubted I would call to schedule an appointment next week, but again, I guess I wasn’t effective…
I did ask her right at the beginning if she was mad at me from the previous week (because I had called asking to take her up on the appointment). She reminded me that she had told me to call if I needed to, and she apologized for not realizing they were closed Friday as part of the holiday. She tried to get me to reason out why I would think she was mad, and that if she had been, would it have been more her issue or something I had done (I think she had mentioned not being mad, but actually glad I was able to ask for something I needed). She again reminded me that she had asked me to call if I needed it… I know most of that was from emotional flashbacks, but I wasn’t in a space to be able to reason out of it. We agreed that most of what I was feeling was past stuff.
I got stuck on communicating several times. She changed gears and we did some “permission slips” for a while (similar to the coupons I made several weeks ago).  I know I got stuck on that part. She wanted me to write stuff, but I ended up only being able to draw. Then I got stuck on the drawing, and she managed to get me to write some words. In the end, I crumpled up the paper. I had meant to take it with me but forgot it on the little table. I’m wondering if she grabbed it and read the words. I crumpled it because I didn’t want to show her at the time, though it would have probably been good for her to see it…
At the very end of session, I was able to half ask her to clarify why we were tapering. I don’t totally remember what she said, but I got the impression that it was something about phasing me out of therapy there… I could have misunderstood her though, because my head was a swamped mess.
I wasn’t exactly in a head space to leave, but she needed to go. I ended up sitting in the car listening to music and crying for a while (more accurately, trying not to cry. I had to help a friend pack at the time and I didn’t want to show up to his house with puffy raccoon eyes).

image

I also had the art journal class tonight. Glad I went despite feeling shitty. It was a good class. It helped me distract once I could drag my head in behind me… the rest of the class did the stylized heart (and actually I started out doing that, but changed my mind and did a more anatomical one before I glued it in). I really like how their’s came out, but this felt more right tonight. :shrugs: it worked out for what I needed. I did keep some of the depression out of the piece though. I was going to put “dreams lie” or “dreams fail”, but left out the second word. I figured they didn’t need to know all that about me tonight. I wouldn’t want to explain it while I was still feeling raw (we all wander looking at everyone else’s work before we take off. Nothing formal, but just curiosity… didn’t want to have to explain that). It might get added now that I’m home. Also, I want to add some Ellie Goulding lyrics as soon as I look them up…


Another first

For the first time I can remember, I’m resentful of therapy. I don’t want to go today. I don’t want to open up. I don’t want to trust her. I don’t want to do this… but then again, I don’t want to do anything right now, and I’m in a helluva bad mood this morning (no benadryl for the first time in a while, which meant no sleep, lots of anxiety, and a whole heap of resentment). Ugh.  Someone shoot me?


Grumble grumble grumble

TL called out sick today and rescheduled for Saturday.  It was so difficult getting to today. Now I have to get to Saturday.  Ugh. Going to try working on some art. Need some sort of release…

In the mean time, I’m tired but can’t sleep, so going the benadryl route again.  No ativan left because was using that to tame the body memories (didn’t have all that much left, barely 8 doses).  Now just going to utilize the benadryl. Hope it works…


just lost

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lost. I don’t know how to ask for what I need, or even what I need… I thought I asked for more help, but apparently that came out as “it’s ok to go more than a week between sessions…”

Of course, there are no real options for additional help here. I’m limited. I know what I don’t need, but I don’t necessarily know what I do need. There’s this vague idea in my head that more intensive therapy would help, but there’s no way to access it, or any place nearby that I could afford… It’s so frustrating.

I feel totally alone right now (I know I’m not, but I don’t know how to reach out, or what to ask for, or even why I should be asking anything at all). I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I’m so tired. Nothing ever gets better for long. The things that are the most popular suggestions don’t work for me, everything else is nearly impossible to access.

I’ve had flashbacks that don’t go away for the past week… I don’t know anymore how to make them go away. I do the grounding, I do the coping skills off that stupid list, I try to breathe, I try to remind myself it’s just a memory… but nothing works.

I reach out, but apparently I’m reaching out to all the wrong people. none of this is worth it anymore. I’m so tired of struggling and getting nowhere. I’m tired of crashing. I’m just so tired of all of this. But there’s nothing to do. Nothing makes any meaningful changes… I’m just… done. I want it all done.


fog

yesterday’s appointment with TL was much better than the first.  There was a ton of anxiety leading up to it, but I sat it through and met with her (albeit about 30 minutes late because there was a miscommunication amongst office staff).  I was able to give her the stuff I had meant to read her that first time around, and then we talked about some more history (specifically, the brief, cliff-notes version of the stories behind the flashbacks).  She was able to make me feel a bit more comfortable in sitting with her.  I can see her being a bit intense at times, but hopefully we will fall into a balance there.  She was quick to tell me that we didn’t have to talk about what it was that was bothering me, but I found my voice enough to ask for a few more minutes to build up to talking. She seemed to take it in stride.

The hour went by too quickly again, but I let her keep the list.  I hope it helps some. We also switched up the schedule some.  I was going to ask if she had anything earlier in the day (because waiting all day builds too much anxiety), and she was hoping for something earlier also, and on a different day.  We settled on middle-of-the-day Thursday, though that will mean a week and a half between session at a time I should be asking for shorter times between session… Oh well.

I left there emotionally raw and super tired.  I came home with enough energy to fix the bed (had started washing the sheets earlier in the day) and collapse into it.  I took something to help me calm down and sleep, and I am still feeling the effects at 1:30 the next afternoon… I guess this is ok for now.  I guess being drugged-up and only partially feeling the flashbacks is better than the alternative of full-on flashbacks all day… I really need things to change though.  I really need something helpful to get me through all this because it’s exhausting in so many ways…